Merry Christmas to all and happy hoildays!

It is Christmas morning at 6:45 am and I am down here typing anxiously waiting for the little guy to wake up for the moment I have waited 4 and a half years for. I am so excited. I got the video camera all charge and the camera and while I was laying in bed I kept thinking I heard him but it wasn;t so I figured while I am so excited for this moment that I would share it with all of you. I just can't believe this day is here. Yeah we don't know till January 13 if we get to keep him but that I get to share this day with an amazing little boy. This was all I asked for and hoped for and it is finally here. O my god I am tearing up typing this. Probably because I am remember being so down and sad on Christmas between my dad and family not being here and not having my own family (a child) to get me excited for them. I am so happy I am here right now and I never thought this day would ever come. But it is finally here and it feels fantastic. For those who are still waiting for there moment I am thinking of you and praying that next Christmas you can too enjoy this feeling because it is great and emotional all at the same time. I can't express how happy I feel and how whole I am. I think I will feel complete when I hear those word that rights were terminated. Till then I am just enjoying the moment I am having with him especially the one I will be having a few minutes when he gets up. heeheee I feel like a little kid waiting for Santa and I am waiting for him to have that same feeling I felt on Christmas morning. Can't wait.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I have to post to say congradulations!

One of my first blogging friends and one of the nicest people have just found out they are finally chosen to adopting a baby! http://countlesstomorrows.blogspot.com/
Congratulations to Savannah and Josh. I couldn't be more happier. They are just excellent people and have been waiting so long and have been through so many ups and down that when I found out I almost fell out of my seat with excitement. I was so compelled to post a congratulations. We have talked so much before about our infertility and need for adoption and she has been so helpful to me and supportive from the very begining that I am just so happy this is happening for them. I always wanted to thank her so much for getting me through so many days that I was just down and need some support from someone who knew what I was going through and she was there and there more then most of my friends and I appreciated that greatly. They are going to be the best parents and I couldn't be more happier for this wonderful couple. :) :) :)

Please let me vent

Okay I first like to say thank you so much for the love and support from everyone and all the nice things that have been said. I appreciate them all.
I do have to vent or write to feel better. So my friend that I talked about in the past that has been trying to get pregnant for less then a year and who has cried to me that she knows how I feel and all of that is pregnant. I don't know why but it has been botheringme since she told me yesterday. I have to see her today for a Christmas party and I don't know how to not be fake. I am digging deep to feel happy for her and I guess you have to know her is why it is so hard to feel happy for her. She is a nervous nelly and everything is a big deal and she can find a negative in the most positive things. Last year I blogged about when my friend Tricia got pregnant that My friends Sabrina was upset and leaning on me saying how she wants a baby so bad and it was just because everyone else had it. Well talking to her yesterday after she told me and I asked if she was happy and she just kept saying really nervous and scared and making a big deal out of the little stuff like she got that test to see if the baby has any down syndrome and she is waiting for the results and all of that. I told her this is what you wanted you should be happy.She says I know but I am just nervous about it all. I remember back when Tricia got pregnant that she said Tricia always said negative things and she should just be happy that she can have what we can't and what does she do. Like I said I don't know why this is bothering me so much and I wish it didn't. I truly truly don't want an infant at all but I guess the idea of never being able to experience it or to know that , that part of my life is taken away just bothers me. I guess knowing I can't have it like every other women makes me feel almost like a failure as a women. I know I am not but it is just like can I get ahead ever. Everyone around you sometimes makes you feel like they get what they want when they want it and I feel like my husband and I have just fought to get everything and we are still fighting to get everything. Like you all know this little boy the rights have not been termed yet and it scares me to death. So since I was so down on myself last night I said to time if this falls through with this little boy we are leaving the state to get a fresh start where people don't know you and you don't have to be fake with your emotions in front of people because they don't know your background. I wish I didn't feel this way but I am being very open and honest right now. I think I need to be to get this all out to feel better. I just don't like feeling this way and I found out about our other friend Tricia at this time too and it is like again. I truly want to feel happy and not selfish but I am just I guess mourning the loss of infertility. I just want to go tonight and give her a hug and congratulate her and it be honest feelings not just masked. So yeah it is hard and I wish I can just brush it off since I have my big exam tomorrow and I need to focus. Thanks for listening and letting me get it all out.

Thankful!

Sorry but everything has been so busy. Between going to school in which I take my big 5 and 1/2 hour exam on Dec 5 (please wish me luck), and the holidays, shopping, work and all the places I have to take this little boy because DHS has things they request from you I haven't has time for anything. I try to get on but not long enough and then I hear him calling "Susie when are you going to play with me" and you know I have waited to so long for that moment that I can't pass it up and I run to have that time with him. He is doing well. Yesterday we hit a little bump in the road not such a good day. He had 3 time outs. I feel bad because I know it is because the holiday we have all our family and friends over and he did good all the other days but I think his parents were really on his brain yesterday. I felt bad putting him in time out but I know I have to stay on top of him or he will learn he can get away with stuff. I can't have him talking back and throwing things. My mother in law and father in law were over for the worst temper tantrum and they looked so uncomfortable they looked like they can run out of the room. He was thrashing and I had to hold his legs and arms and head and wait until he calmed down to start his 5 minute time out. Tim's mom didn't agree she thought I should start it right when I put him in time out but I explained to her that then he gets what he wants. He wants attention so if I am holding him down and calming him down he has my undivided attention and where is the punishment in that I start the time when I let him go and he was listening. I don't care if he is crying in time out just not trying to run away or have a temper he needs to calm down and think about why he is there. She said she doesn't believe in time out and she never did that but I think the child should know you are upset with them for there actions that hurts them more then hitting them. The hitting goes away the feeling that your parents are upset with you doesn't. At least that is what I explained to her. I try to explain that we pick our battles. She wanted to put him in time out for not listening to her when she told him to put on his socks. I told her that he takes off his socks all the time and he always runs warm and if he feels cold he can put on his socks. I personally didn't think that was something for her to fight with him with. If he is at her house that is fine but we were at my house. Some times gets frustrating when in laws want to tell you how to parent. If I asked her for advice that would be one thing but I didn't. It gets hard because we all need to be on the same page as not to confuse him.
I do what to say Thanksgiving was great and I am very thankful for this little boy. He is so special to us and I can't imagine our lives without him in it. We find out Jan 13 and I pray to god that God is on our side and that this boy doesn't go back because the judge happen to be in a bad mood that day. DHS says if it was up to them he would be ours and rights would be terminated. They say though it is up to the judge and judges are like gods and that you never know what they are going to do. I find it sad that judges never have to go to all the classes we had to, to be foster parents because then they would understand the system better and what is best for the child so they don't keep the child in the system for years and years and then the child is older and nobody wants the older child. It is sad. But I can't say enough how grateful I am to have him and share this time with him. He is just so great. I can't wait till he is ours and I can share that with all of you and show pics. He is so cute. :)

sorry it has been so long

I have been really busy so I am writing to you from work at lunch. We are doing well but it is hard to know what I can and can't discuss with everyone. I will not know if parents rights are termed until January so it is hard. We have defiantly been through our ups and downs. But to tell you the truth we love him and I couldn't imagine my life without him. He is a great kid. I can't wait to share all with you. He has his days especially when his mom sent gifts for b-day. That was hard and acted out for at least a week. We felt horrible but we had to discipline so we told him every time he didn't listen or did something bad or acted out in school we will take away a car or something he likes. I think he did get that because he is acting great this week and said I am good today can I have a car back and we say wait till the end of the day and if you are good with no time out of warning then we will give you the care back. So we are doing good just anxious to find out if both parents term so we can go on vacation in Feb to Disney like we have discussed. They say it sounds as it will happen but they don't want our hope up as the decision is up to the judge but that DHS has a case. I of course can't go into detail but I think I gave you the just. I just don't know what I can share and not so it gets hard to go on this thing and share what I would love to share with all of you. I am just enjoying my time with him and excited about Christmas. Please everyone pray that this goes through and he becomes ours. I will defiantly let you know what happens when it gets closer. These last few weeks have been hectic with his schedule for school and DHS schedule for them and doc appt and dental and all that then he was sick with flu and then I had it and now I am just almost over it while I am going to school on Saturday 8 hours and Tuesday night for 3 hours. It is hard and I am sorry I didn't share but as you can imagine my life has turned upside down for the better and I just can't wait to say he is ours and then get to share photos and stories. :)

having a great time in cloud 9

I am so shocked how well we all fit together. He is perfect in our family as if he has been there for years. He makes me so proud. On October 22 the court day is for some preliminary hearing to start the process of termination. He social worker is coming to visit him on the 26 so hopefully I will find out more then. Please pray for me that this little guy gets to stay with us. We love him so much and he has also told us that he loves us as well. I truly think the rights will be termed on the parents just off what I hear from him but I am worried about a family member coming out of the wood work some where. I pray this all goes well but I know I have a long process ahead. He is awesome and excellent and everyone he meets they all say he touches there heart. He is just so sweet and out going and cares so much about everyone which I think at his young age is very rare. We really got lucky with him. My friend Kim (who also adopted 3 years ago) said you will know he if he is right for your family when you meet him. She was right the first day I knew he was family. Thank you all so much for the support. Sorry it has been hard to be on here these days so busy running around and in a little I have to leave to pick the little one up from school. :)
So so so so HAPPY!!!!

loving this

Sorry I don't have much time but my mother in law is watching him right now. She asked for me to bring him over to play with another family member child that is about his age. I am having such a great time. I just got back from grocery shopping and have to go to pick him up in 10 minutes we are bring pizza to our family's house were we will meet back with him. Here are some picks that I can show you that don't show his face or anything that can tie him to any child. I also have a pic of his adorable Halloween costume he picked out. I also wanted to thank everyone for the support and words of wisdom. This is my first time and it isn't like we had him from birth and molded him. So it is sometimes hard to know how to answer there questions. I used your advise and he is doing well. Of course he has his moments as to be expected but for the most part he is taking everything and stride and unfortunately a bit spoiled now. whoops.

Need Help

Okay his is 4 years old and cut as can be. Let's name him a fake name and name him Austin for a fake name. His is a sweet child and really friendly. He is not legally adoptable yet but they are going to get right termed. The social worker said he has been in the system to many times that they don't see why the judge wouldn't terminate rights which sounds promising. I asked what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said a bat. Well that is going to be an interesting costume but I am sure I will find one. I do need help though. He obviously doesn't understand what is going on and he misses his mom dearly. Had to have asked about her at least 15-20 times which is understandable but what do I say back to him. How do I transition him into our home. I just told him for now when he asks when he is seeing mom, I told him that we are his mother's friends so that he doesn't see us as the bad people who took him away from his parents and I tell him that his mom asked us to watch him for a little while. Then the next question is when am I going to see her. I tell him not tonight because you are sleeping at our house but that we are going to have a bunch of fun. When he broke down the first time we ran to the store and we bought him a bunch of clothes and some toys to brighten his smile and lift his spirits. I feel so bad for this little guy he just doesn't understand. He misses his mom so much and I just don't know what else to say or how much longer I can keep saying the same thing before he thinks we are lying since he will probably never see his mom. I just need advice what to say and how long or how to transition him into this home. We are truly trying our hardest to make him feel as comfortable as possible. I was thinking maybe next weekend when he gets more comfortable we can tell him this is your room lets go decorate it with toys chest and a bunch of stuff so that he starts to feel like this is his home. I know I got a lot in front of me. I am going to enroll him in school tomorrow as DHS has told me he needs to be in school within 5 school days. I need to get him a physical with in 30 days per DHS which should be fun (sarcastic). Well I got to go off to bed . I am sure he will be waking up early and just wanted to ask for some advice on what you think or how to go about this. Thanks everyone for the support.

Craziness, happiness

Well very funny story today. After I posted that blog below today about being positive and moving in a better direction I had got a call about a possibly adoption of a 4y/o boy, healthy. That is all I can say because I can say specifics but that I asked when we would need to start fostering and they said today. She practically wanted an answer right on the spot. I told her I had to call my husband first. We said yes and he should be here between 2-4. The social worker will be bringing him here. We were also told that we would probably need to go to the store to buy clothes as she may not be able to get much. So like I said I can't get into specifics since it is a law not to reveal the identity of the child but I don't think I have given anything away about who he is or the parents. I am new at this of course so I of course and scared to brake any rule or law as not to loose my fostering license. I am so excited and nervous of course since we never meet him but so excited to meet him. My in laws are having us over tonight, I mean it was planned in advance but now that they know they are supper excited as well. I am sorry but I obviously can't post any pic's until he would hopefully become legally ours but I will share anything I can even if the picture doesn't reveal his face I will try to share as i am appreciative for everyone's support and getting me through all this craziness and wild roller coaster of emotions and things. He will be here in just an hour or two and I have so many butterflies and I am just so excited right now I don't know how to explain it. I can't believe that in 20-30 minutes after that post I got a call. It is eire to think that I posted about being positive it can all happen the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know don't get my hopes up but I have to open my heart to this child, especially that he has been through that I can't hold back. I feel I either have to be all the way in or not at all. Well I decided to be all the way in so all I can think is this is going to be positive and it will be a happy situation, I can't think of the bad or the bad can happen. Wish me luck and thank you all for the support, I will keep you posted.

Sorry about last post

Just want to say sorry for last posting. I was upset and frustrated. I started venting. I feel like this emotional roller coaster is really getting to me. This week end I had class went out with friends and tried not to think about the hectic and crazy stuff that has gone on around me. Thank you for letting me vent. I do TRULY feel better. I feel more positive today. I am trying to keep my life back on coarse. When you go through those emotions of happiness, to loss, to frustration, to no communication, it starts to really ware on you and your body. I told Tim this weekend that I sometimes don't even recognize myself anymore. I just want a family so bad that it is consuming my life and I can't let it. That is why today is a new day and I have to keep smiling and just praying that those children I had in my home are fine and happy as well and as long as they are safe and happy I am to. This is my only way I know how to change stuff around. I think with the holiday's coming and all the pressure and sense of depression started to leak into my life. Like when I wrote that post, I just got done crying to Tim that we won't be able to go trick or treating this year with some kids, and how thanksgiving is going to be boring without kids and Christmas is going to be sad. Instead I need to keep on track and say no, there is still a chance that it can still happen ad if it doesn't this year then defiantly next year. I am trying to turn it all around. I want to be happy and feel good for me, my family and my health. Thank you all again for understanding. :)

Still chugging along

Well I am still chugging along, or at least I am trying too. This facility doesn't make it any easier. So we have been trying to keep positive with positive notes and wish full thinking to our selves. I have notes in the house to say that we will have a child or children by Thanksgiving. I know what you are thinking high expectations but you need something to try to look forward to. Not only that but in August I had put that by labor day we would have a child and that next day we had an e-mail about those possible 2 boys that then the foster mom decided to keep them but we had a chance or and opportunity at least. Then as that fell through those 2 kids landed in our lap. Even though it was only 48 hours of watching them, it gave me a taste of motherhood. Even though I was tired, and doing all this stuff to make sure they were happy. Even though I wore sweat pant and sweat shirt because because I was getting dirty between running after them and spit up and was pee ed on it was all worth it to be a mom. Now I crave for it even more then before. I figure if I set a goal and I believe it in my mind and feel it in my heart that will come true. What else does anyone have to go on but faith and hope, because at the end of the day that is all we ever have. That is kind of where I am at, at this time.
Well getting to the frustrating week, I e-mailed my social worker at DHS because I had got a letter from her last weekend about my Pride training classes that need to be done. Well I have a license because Catholic Social services gave me there training but it wasn't PRIDE so DHS said they will take my licences and that they would keep it open but that I had to have these classes. Well the classes are in November on Saturday's and I have classes on those days to get my certification and license to be a AAPC coder. Which in fancy terms mean I am certified and if certified you make more money and in some instances can work from home with the right job which would be great when we adopt so I am trying to look at the big picture. Anyway I can't do those classes in November and they said I need them completed by January now (didn't tell me that before) or I will not have a license for foster care to get to adoption with them, which means they can drop me. So now in my stricken panic I have called all these DHS agencies in all the county's in 60 mile radius and pretty much no luck. With holiday's coming and all they have told me that limits my chances and that my agency said they only do training once every 3 months so 4 times a year and only on set dates if you can't make it, it is pretty much oh well. Well I start classes tomorrow and I have all this landing on me. The best part is I called the agency director and told him that I could not attend the classes that month and he told me that the wait would just be longer for me because in order to have a child placed or fostered that I had to have this training and that is the reason no social worker would call me back. I explained to him that all already had another home study done and it was done by them and he was shocked and said that is not the way it worked. I also told him I did respite care for 2 children for 2 days and he said that was impossible. He told me that "you just have to do the training and soon or you are just not going to have any chance here. Like I explained to him that I want to do it and I would love to if they gave more opportunities to. So of course after talking to him while I was at work today I went home crying to Tim that this is never going to happen. I know This is where the notes of positivity came in. I also had an e-mail back from my social worker at DHS that said they have a possibility for a bi-racial child that was born very small and born early and wanted to know if we were interest. We had called her back that was on Monday and it is now Friday and have yet to hear back (frustrating). I don't get this mess at all with DHS and starting to question if going there was the right thing to do. I am also wondering if we should have just done international adoption and then it wouldn't be as difficult. Of course that wouldn't be the easiest thing but I bet we would have a child by now. I just feel defeated with no support from that agency at all. All this was never explained to us and we never get any contact with them. When we had the home study in August to do over again with a new agency they never explained anything and I asked repeatedly if they could send me info and let me know about this training as soon as possible and now look were I stand. My other social worker at CSM which is Catholic Services said there are no birth moms at this time and have only done 1 adoption this year. That is it and now the list is up to 19 couples so my chances there are limited. I thought by opening up our search it would help us find a child. I will be honest with all of you this is what we have put in our profile for what we wanted for a child. I know this is uncharted territory and nobody wants to hurt feelings or alienate people but this is what we can handle and it gives you an idea of our profile. We said we would take up to 2 children at a time and any gender that doesn't matter either way and age ranging from 0-6 years old and anything from 6-10 would have to depend on the situation. We said we would take Caucasian, bi-racial, Asian, Hispanic, Muslim, native American (if able to be adopted), and a couple of different ethnicity's that I can't think of off the top of my head but they were options on the paper we filled out. We said we would take children with mild special need. This is not to hurt any feelings or that I have anything against special need and I think people who adopt and take care of special needs children are really special people, but I work full time and have to with no choice because I carry the insurance. I feel kids in general need 24 hour care but a special needs child needs much more care that I will not always be around for. Therefore, we said mild spacial needs like learning disability's, cleft palate, club foot, speech problems, a bunch of little things that classify to DHS or any agency that this is a special needs child. We said it would be hard for us if child was medically fragile, or was wheelchair bound, or had spinal bifida, things that are sever special needs I don't think is for us or is something that we can handle on our own. I am sorry if this offends anyone but that was not my intention. I just wanted to show home open we tried to be. When we were with our first agency we said only any gender, but has to be an infant and only Caucasian and healthy. We were very close minded about other opportunities and this is not to say that if anyone wants those things that it is wrong but what I have come to learn is not child is perfect. Even if I was able to give birth to my own child they would not be perfect but at the same time I also want to keep some sort of boundaries and realistic goals that I know my husband and I can handle. It is very hard to say to an opportunity to have a child that is not what we know we can handle just to have a child. I know we have to be realistic and we have to meet in the middle. Tim and I don't always agree with what we want but we tried to meet in the middle. I am from NY ordinally for 19 year so having a child that is African American is not a problem for me I will love them what ever color they are but my husband on the other hand is very old fashion. He gets his old fashion ways from his family that lived in Kentucky for a while and that where we live we live were there is no African Americana's in our area or at the school, which my husband has a point that they will already know they are adopted and then if they go to a school that is all Caucasian that they will feel out of place or alienated. Which I think I can see that point. If we lived in a more rural place it shouldn't matter but we don't which is unfortunate because there are so many African American kids that do need to be adopted :(. So my husband and I agreed to meet in the middle on our decisions. If he makes a valid point then I will agree with it. Although I have in my favorites a blog that is called "dreams really do come true" that if you are interested check her blog out her baby is the cutest little thing I have ever saw and his smile is even cuter :). Well this gives you all an idea of what we are about and a little bit of ourselves. Man, I am getting really personal and letting you all right into my front door and right into our bedroom. I just let my whole heart and honesty on the line. I am sometimes scared to do that as it can bit you in the butt. I hope none are offended and understand my choices and decisions and hope that you will still continue to follow my journey through this crazy thing they call adoption and the roller coaster of emotions it takes you on. I swear sometimes I don't even know myself anymore now that we have been going through this adoption for over a year. Well I keep hope and faith in my heart and pray that my dreams will come true and that I will have a child. Also I was just thinking, my husband and I about brainstorming on adoption agencies that people have gone through or heard about that are the best. That get back to you and wants to answer your questions and that maybe you don't have to feel like you are waiting forever. Thank you all again for letting me let everything in my mind and body out. This feels almost like a diary only sometimes people blog back to you so you get answers or suggestions which is kind of better then a diary :) .

Want to be in a good place

I want to be in a good place but I don't know how to get there right now. You know if you have adopted or are in the adoption waiting like myself it is a roller coaster. Well right now I am riding down the roller coaster when I want to be riding up. I am just hurting right now. I think about those kids all the time. Angry that the grandparents didn't take them back if they are supose to going back to birth mom on Monday unless they know that this may fall through again. I guess I am feeling bad about not taking them back. I feel bad that now they had to be put in 4 different home in the matter of a month. It is sad. I guess I am also angry with the system. I know I am not a social worker and I don't know how it is and I am not blaming it on them because a big part of it is the law and our system they are told to follow. I guess what make me sad is that there are people who get pregnant and kill the babies, or are on drugs and don't get help and have 5,6 or 7 kids, or they abuse the kids and take them for granted and they are not questioned or interrogated half as much and people like Tim and I who are good citizens who make a respectable living, who have never done anything bad, who are clean as a whistle besides these thoughts I am pouring out probable from heart ache and pain and we try to do good things for people and donate our time that we don't expect anything in return because we did these things for people out the kindness of our hearts and we get questioned and finger printed and pay crazy amounts of money to adopt a child but the people who actually had kids don't get questioned at all except if someone calls up on them for neglect, abuse or what ever else and how many other kids are going through it but no one stood up and was a voice for these kids and the mom and dad should have every opportunity to get there kids back if they try to clean up there act but what about these people that get chance after chance. I think back now and said I would pro able do things differently. I would have adopted over seas. I always use to say why adopt in other countries when we have kids here to adopt but now being through all this I understand why they adopt in other countries, It is so much easier then here. You go through touchier here. I know there are some good stories like the blog heart cries and some others that are on my favorites, here as well but I have heard a lot more bad then good with domestic adoption vs international. I am just sad and down today please don't take offence anyone. I hope I am not bringing anyone down with me because that is not my intent but as I said in my last blog I use this and a place to vent since I don't want to share this with everyone in my life and bring them down, I put on a happy face and that is not like me at all because I hate being 2 faced but I just don't want to be the downer or bring people down with me in my life. It just hurts and I am just hurting right now and I feel like I am just licking my wounds right now and trying to stand back up for the strong fight I have to put on to get through some more days of this long wait ahead. Thanks for letting me vent.

Share some pictures

We went up north this weekend with friends and I captured some of the most beautiful pictures.

In the morning it was freezing. It was in 30 in the morning but by afternoon was 70's and gorgeous. I just thought you would all enjoy these pictures.We actually got a call this today. Those 2 kids I watched they said grandparents didn't want to take of them and they need a place to be watched for 2 weeks until going back to mom. Luckily they called Tim and not myself. Tim told them that we spoke to them and said unless they are able to be adopted that we didn't want to get attached. It broke my heart. I know Tim did the right thing because he used his mind instead of his heart. I would have answered with emotions and said yes when it wouldn't have been best for us or the kids. I just feel so bad because the kids have been moved from one grandparents house, to our house to another grandparents house and now are going some where else which is way to many homes. Tim did ask why it was the grandparents couldn't watch them for another 2 weeks and they said because they can't keep an eye on both of them. Tim thinks the 3 year old boy was acting up. He is just on the wilder side. He likes to move. He loves being outside and playing and I loved to play with him so I guess I am young enough to keep up with him. I just think he is understood. If he keeps moving how can he have respect for any adults when he is not in a stable environment. It is just said and breaks my heart and makes me feel like foster care is defiantly not for us unless we could adopt. This was hard and I still think of the all the time. I also work though so it is hard to be there for just 2 weeks. If I was adopting these kids or fostering them to adopt them I would defiantly take the time off to be with them for a few weeks but not if they are not going to be ours. Well I struggled with sharing any pic's of the kids. I did find a picture with out there faces so I figures I can post it. Sorry for those who don't know but I can give up personal info that can link who these children are. I have heard I can post a picture of them as long as you can't see there picture so here are the 2 cutes. I wish I could so you a better one but it would be with there face. A friend at work knew a neighbor that adopted through another fost adopt agency and said there were a ton of infants that rights were terminated and so they gave me the info and I figured I would call and see what it was all about. I will give more info when I know.

Hard times

So I have been thinking about these kids all week. I have cried about them all weekend and sad now. I can't stop thinking about them and how they are doing and how it will be when they go back to birth mom. Well I thought about it all weekend and Tim ended up called there social worker after they sent us an e-mail on Monday saying the children may not be able to stay at grandparents would we be willing to take them back. I asked Tim to call to find out what the situation was from there social worker because we have never talked to her and she would know the most about the children and we wanted to see if there were any chance for these kids to be adopted before we said yes to watching them again. WELLLLLL this story that we heard from the other social workers when they asked us to first get them is so different from the story there social worker told me. The children's grandparents said these children have been living with them a year and the social worker that called me that day said the same, there social worker said they only had the kids for 8 weeks. Then the other social worker told me that we would be watching them 2 week, 6-8 weeks or permanent if this continues. There social worker said their kids are suppose to go back to the mother in 3 1/2 weeks if all goes as planned which she said she anticipated. The other social worker said these kids could possible be adopted and the grandparents wanted a break and see how the 2 weeks go and if all went well they may not want them back it sounded like to them. There social worker said no way not unless something drastic changes. I don't mean to be blunt but what the hell. That place I feel like needed a place to put the children and since there social worker was not there that day they just wanted the kids off there plate so they said this couple wants to adopt and if we tell them they have a chance maybe they will take the kids. They always say it is miscommunication. This happened with the 2 boys they told me was a possibility. She said to me the foster mom wants to adopt only one of the kids and not the other and they said no and then she sends me an e-mail back the same day as these kids come in the picture to say sorry there was a miscommunication between the social workers and the foster mom wanted both boys the whole time. Come on. Don't they understand what they are doing to people like me who are dying to have a family and a child. I am sorry I am just very upset with the system. Everyone keeps telling us to do foster that is the only way to adopt and I don't think it is nor do I think I am the type of person to Indore that. I want to love the kids and treat them as my own. Maybe when I have a family some day I would love to foster a child because I have my end result a family and then I feel like I can help kids and be attached but understand they are not my kids they are someone else's and I have my own. But right now all I can dream about is a family. I only had those kids for 48 hours and look how attached I got. I can't see how people can't get attached after all the stuff you do for them you are like there mom. I am really starting to loose my way I have to admit. I didn't even admit this to my husband. I was always a girl with a good head on my shoulder and had goals, ambition and always wanted to treat everyday as if it my last. Somewhere along the way I have lost that person and don't know how I will ever find her or if I will ever find her. I always like to be organized and in control. Not in control like I have to have power but in control like if I ever drink anything even when I was younger I never got drunk, I always knew my limits and didn't want to do anything stupid and would never think of drinking in front of my friends because I would want them to respect me and not think or see me in a different light. I never cried in front of people wither except my husband. I always tried to stay strong especially when my dad had the cancer I was always told by him that I was the strong one in the family and I had to keep things together and if he saw me cry I would need to leave the room. So my mom has only seen me cry I don't know I could probably count on one hand (not often). I am a go getter and always wanted to do bigger and better. Just an example I worked for a Chiropractic office like5 years ago and was never fired from a job until that job. I was only fired because we were getting audited by bcbs for the codes. He was scared he would have fraudulent charges and I didn't know billing at all to help him so he fired me and told me I can use him as a reference and tell the job anything I wanted. Well I was upset and begged him to give me a chance to figure out billing and he refused and I told him he will regret his decision. Well I went to school to be a biller to show him. I got the job at St. John billing and sent him a letter after telling him thank you for firing me it was the best decision for bother of us and thanks for a reference I wouldn't be where I was if her didn't fire me. I am now going to some classes for 2 months in October to get my license for coding so I can make more money. I am that type of person never settle for second best. So now that you have an idea who I am you can see why I feel like my world is flying out of control and I can't get a hold on it. My dad passed which was devastating and still is, my issue with infertility between gaining weight from invetro and it not working, to my mom and how she is and how are relationship is (some times I feel like I am talking to a teenager with her) and this being jerked around with the adoption the last 5 years I have not been my self. Every year I feel like I have lost a piece of me. Right now I feel like the bottom of the barrel and it seems every time I get knocked down I get up again and then back on down. I need to get out of this hole I have been in and I just don't know anymore. Now for those of you that jump to conclusions fast please don't I am nit saying I am at the bottom and going to do something stupid because if you read before I am not that type of person but at the bottom because I just can't get a hold on my life at all. I am starting (and I am sorry if this offends anyone) to question god and if there is one. I can't see how for 5 year crap just keeps being dumped on me while I watch others skate by. Now I promise you I don't want a pity party. I am just trying to express my frustration and why I feel like I can't get any control. I can't see how god can take me dad. Everything happens for a reason as I am told and have tried to hold onto but I still after 2 1/2 years can't find the reason. I know my mom can she wants to get married and is a different person. I can understand how this happened for a reason for her but I needed him and still do and can't figure out why the reason was for me or for the whole picture. I can't tell you enough how unique he was and how I promise you, you would never meet a person like him. He was real and honest, he was so loving, loved kids and animals. Always helped the homeless, would help neighbor or someone broken down on the road. He even was driving his car somewhere not far from the house and seen an old man shoveling and got out and helped him. He took the snow blower out and did 6 neighbors houses. He was just a great dad,great guy, great friend. He was someone to look up to. He would give you his para shoot to save a life. He was also a very hip dad. He was not old by any means. He had long hair when I was young and was in a band and even wore makeup for that band since it was in, in those days. He listened to classical music, jazz, to rock and roll. He was a jack of all trades. He was just an all around guy and I miss him and wish he was here for guidance. I moved to Michigan from NY and I have no family or friends here. Everyone I have is Tim's family who are great and Tim's friend and there wife's. My mom lives an Florida and you know our relationship. So this is usually my only place to vent and be honest without hurting people's feelings. I just have my head spinning now with this adoption. I can see why people do international adoption. I used to always say why would stars want to do international adoptions when there is all these kids here that need to be adopted. I now know why. Because adoption here is so much harder and a lot more heartbreaking stories. Thank you for letting me vent. It just makes me mad and upset when people just keep jerking me around with stories and putting stuff in your head. I do have to say I appreciate all the support everyone has shown me through this sensitive time. Thank you all so much. :)

Crazy week

I am so sorry it has been so long. I will update you on our crazy roller coaster of emotions week. So this past Tuesday I had got a call at work around lunch time from a social worker at DHS. She asked me if I would be interested in doing respite care for 2 kids, one is a 3 y/o boy and the other a 1 y/o girl. Well yes you are probably thinking what I was thinking. I asked "well is that going to affect the possible adoption with these other 2 little boys I have been waiting to hear on". She said "oh Rita said she e-mailed you a little while ago and that fell through". Oh yeah way to tell me I am thinking and I didn't check my e-mail because I have been at work since 6 in the morning and it was 12 noon and I was going to check. Well I asked if there were any special needs she said no and I asked if they were healthy she said yes then I asked when did I need to get them and she said if you can today. I was dumbfounded. I was like "I am at work till 6 pm today but can I call my husband first to find out. I called my husband with the butterflies in my stomach and excitement is taking over. I asked him what he thought he said to ask about the situation. I was so excited I forgot to ask. I told him when I call to ask about the situation should I say yes or no, he said to ask if there is a possible adoption that can come out of this. I called her back all excited and anxous and asked what the situation was. She said she was not the social worker for the kids and that she was out but she would try to share as much info as she knew with me. She said that grandparents had children for a year and they didn't think they could do this and they needed a brake. I am trying not to give personal info away though because I can't say names to specifics since they are not my children, so I will tell what I can. But I asked any chance for adoptions and first I heard I would be watching them for 2 weeks then they said for 6-8 weeks or permanent. I was excited this can be a possibility but I heard mom is a hot head. I told them we would do it and picked them up on Tuesday night. I have to admit the first night I looked at Tim and said do you think we can do this. Meaning have kids. We had 2 of them 3 and 1. It was a bit overwhelming. They were adorable though. We got no sleep the first night because all we did was listen for them. We didn't know there temperament or anything so we keep checking on them. The next day was tough but I started to fall into a rhythm and started to fall in love with them and fast. Then on Thursday I was hooked. After laying down with them for naps and reading them stories and kissing there booboo's, and hugging ad kissing them it was hard not to be hooked I felt like a mom. Everything just started to fall into place and then we get the devastating call. The mom is freaking out that the kids are not with there grandparents and she wants them with family. She called I guess all of the family she knew. She got one of the children's grandparents that they only meet the kids once in there lives. I was heart broken. We had to given them back that night and I was just beside myself with emotion. I cried the whole way home and I just have to say I definitely didn't approve of the home we dropped them off to. If DHS was open I would have called them and said you have to be kidding me. I called the next day and they said they had to talk with them and see the home and they deemed it okay for the kids to go to which floors me. Just to see that 3 year old face looking up at me like what did I do wrong, crushed me. I told Tim it was not our choose and I feel so guilty and I just wanted to take them. I have had a rough last couple of days and today I am still trying to fight back tears as I write this. I just hate the system. These kids were living with grandma and grandpa for a year out of the mothers care. How long can you give a mother to get her act together. There is two of them come on. The grandparents seemed nice the one's we picked them up from but they must not work with him which is so sad. He didn't even know his name or age. I am just hurting right now. We did get an e-mail asking if it falls through with these grandparents would we be willing to foster them. I told them no not unless there is a possibility to adopt. I am not sure if that is the right decision but I just don't want to hurt like this again or hurt there children going from home to home. I told Tim to call there social worker to find out the back story and see if there is a chance to adoption. I don't know it seems like we are back to childless again. After getting a taste of motherhood it makes me sad and makes me want it even more. I miss them so much and I just want a family more then anything in the world. I just can't wait to finally be picked. I feel like we have been waiting forever. I keep seeing more and more of my blogging friends be match and I am happy as can be for them but I think when is it finally my turn to be happy and feel that excitement. I am just hurting right now and just want this time to go by fast and can stop when we are choose to be parents. Thanks for letting me share it has been long but with 2 kids it was hard to get on the computer and then I was sad and it was hard to think about or even write about without getting upset. I am trying though. :)

Need some advice

Hi to all my blogging friends. I had a great vacation for our 5 year anniversary. We went to Traverse City which is beautiful and had a lot of fun. I will try to post these pictures the end of this week if not the beginning of next week.
I would also like to thank Savannah from "Countless Tomorrows" blog who is my blogging buddy for telling me about this blog " http://anothersmalladventure.blogspot.com/ . It is a great blog. Every Monday for those who are thinking of adoption or planning to adopt, she puts children who are looking to be adopted on there. They are of all ages. It is funny because a lot of these children I have seen on the state website but I didn't know how to pursue it at the time. I think this is a great blog that I felt I must share with all of you.
I feel like some times anyone I talk to in the outside world that I talk with every day truly don't understand what I am going through and when I come on here and blog I feel like people can relate and give great advice and this is one of the situations I ask all you blogging friends to help me with. So these 2 little boys I have been waiting to hear back on. Well I didn't update you on this because I didn't even have an answer before we left on our trip. She said 2 weeks ago at DHS she would call me and know more the end of next week which was last week. Well I e-mailed her on Thursday of last week to see if she had heard anything since I didn't hear from her yet. Well I checked my e-mail 2 times on our vacation and I know bad me. No e-mail from her. Then I waited until Tuesday to call her. I don't think I can go into to much detail but I will try to explain the situation. Well I called and got a hold of her and asked her what the status was. She proceeds to tell me that the foster mother wants to adopt one brother and not the other and that DHS won't separate the boys. This is the way it should be I am thinking. She said that this women does a lot of fostering for them. Which makes me think that are being careful to upset her for some reason. I don't know the foster care world very well so I don't know. Then DHS said will I be willing to do respite care. She said it really isn't that but they call it that when the foster parent can't take care of the kids for what ever reason (going on vacation, needs a break, passing in the family, ect.) that we would watch the kids for her for like a day or two. I was a little hesitant then she explains that she is only asking so #1 we would get to know the kids and #2 that the foster parent would meet us and may feel more at ease when she meets us. So we said sure. But, I still don't understand so if someone knows please let me know, if the parents rights are terminated, I know that they make sure all relatives are not going after the child, then they offer the children to be adopted by the foster mother and if they decline that they get put up for adoption. Well if DHS tells the foster mom no that she would have to adopt both or none of the kids why wouldn't DHS let them go up for adoption since they offered and the foster mom is not agreeing on the offer. And it also doesn't make sense because it feels like they are trying to stay on this foster mom's good side so she will continue to take in more kids but why would you want someone who would want sibling split up to foster more children. I guess I don't get it. It makes no sense to me. My reason I really need advice is that when I talked to her on Tuesday she said that she didn't call me back because she got a call from foster mom on Monday on her voice mail and she needed to call her back to find out the status. She told me once she calls her she will e-mail or call me back later that day or early today. Well surprise, surprise no call back or e-mail from her. How long do I wait to contact her back? What would you do if you were me? I heard that people have said to stay on top of a social worker but I don't want to make her mad or annoyed with me but I want her to know I am here. I feel like she keeps telling me she is going to do something and never follows through. It is like why tell me something if you are not going to follow through. This is my life on the line and my world on hold and I feel like that is not important to her nor do I feel like she understands. I need some advice please of what to do or what is the process or issue. I am just frustrated. Every time there is good news it feels like another road block. I just want her to tell me if there is good potential of them being ours or if not so that I am not stopping what I am doing, and dreaming of what it will be like to have a family, and thinking about all the stuff I would need to buy before they come, and how I will surprise our families with meeting them for the first time. Yeah they don't know what is going on with the adoption. They know we are on a list but I we have gotten our hopes up before and I don't want then to get there hope up with us, or to ask everyday if we heard something. Not only that but when you get pregnant you get the exciting ways you can thing of to tell your family. I always planned that if I got pregnant that I would let them know by writing a card to them from the baby and say something like "I can't wait to meet you (grandma, grandpa, aunt or uncle) mom and dad have told me so much about you and I can't wait to finally be spoiled by your love" and then attach a picture of the sonogram. Something like that. I always thought that would be cute but with adoption they are just waiting and if I tell them about a potential child that may join our family and it falls through it is like a miscarriage or they feel funny asking you anything as to not upset you and then if we get them were is the big surprise of us telling them. I was hoping to get the boys and I imagined calling them and asking them over for dinner and them meeting the boys. I thought about if it was this labor day (which I highly doubt would happen now but a few weeks ago it sounded possible) I would bring the boys up north for the trip we take every labor day together and meet everyone. Tim's Brother is coming for labor day from Chicago and we don't see him and his wife much and I thought that would be neat for the whole family to meet them. I don't know these are just my hopes and dream but as we all know they don't always come true which is the hard part. Thank you all for listening and I appreciate it if you do know anything about the process of the foster care world or what you think of the situation or what you would do.

No news yet

So you know I said that e-mail I got last Wednesday said my social worker would know more and get back to me by the end of next week. Well it is the end of next week. Well technically it is not Friday yet but it is 4:08 on a Thursday. So I decided to e-mail her. Of course I am anxiously waiting to hear. You know what my husband told me that didn't make me feel better. He said "well babe, you can't get your hopes up and if she hasn't e-mailed or called us yet it must not be legit". How is that suppose to make me feel better. I watched the video "The Secret", where they tell you if you are positive and you know what you want it will come to you. If you think about the good things, then good things will happen and if you think of bad thing, bad things will continue to happen. I can agree with this to an extent. But some days it is extremely hard to look on the bright side of things, especially lately. Well in the video it said you should practice and it will come more easily to you to think positive. Then it stated to help you can write a list of the things you are grateful for which I have and write what you want a bunch of times to keep the positive momentum going in your head. So instead of that I took a piece of paper and wrote on in in big letters " We will have those 2 little boys from DHS by Labor day!". Oh yeah they said to set a goal that is obtainable to have your wish come true. Well I took this paper and I put it in front of my computer at work so I can remember and today when I was working at home I put it in front of my computer as a reminder. Well I have been doing this since Monday when I started to feel like this might not happen and I wanted to get into it. Well it has been working but then today it started not working. I started to get some doubts, which in turn is when I e-mailed the social worker. I know I am jumping to conclusions but do you know in this week of waiting feel like 3 months of waiting. It feels horrible. Every day checking my phone and e-mail, even calling Tim to see if any news and stupid me he says don't you think I would have called you. I know I feel neurotic. I just want that happy ending in the end. To be a mother as I have always dreamed. I know I still have some time, but I know tomorrow is Tim and I's 5 year wedding anniversary and we are leaving for Trevor City for our 5 years. I wish I knew before I left. Hopefully she will e-mail tomorrow because today it probably to late. Cross your fingers and pray for me PLEASE! Pretty Please (hahahaha). Talk to you all soon.

good birthday!

Tim is so cute. He is such a good husband. How sweet. Tim took me to the zoo for my birthday. I have wanted to go to the Detroit Zoo and Tim always told me when we have kids we can. Well he said surprised me and took me. He bought me a jogging suit and a pair of jogging shoes.
Then Tim's parents had a cake for me up North this weekend. Which was nice of them.

Then on my birthday Tim gave me some more cake for my birthday. Now I don't need all this cake. Lucky he was there to share it with me.

Then we went to the zoo. The Kangaroo's were my favorite. They were playing and rolling around it was so cute. :)
Then we went to Cheeseburger in Paradise. It tasted good. We had a great day.
No I didn't hear anything about the kids yet but I know she said she would let me know by the end of this week. I will keep you all posted as I know more. I just wanted to say I did have a great birthday because I have the best husband ever. :)

Happy 28th Birthday Susie

Dear Susie the love of my life,
I have never been on this thing but I hope this comes out right. This is Tim, Susie's Husband. I would first like to say everyday I see you, you put a smile on my face, and I know I am the luckiest man alive. We have heartbreaks and bad luck but hopefully we will have our dream soon, so when you make your wish it will soon come true. I love you so much and I know you will be the best mom ever. Happy Birthday sweetheart!
Love always and forever,
Your Timmy xoxoxo

When opportunity knocks

Well have 2 things I am excited to share with all of you. I have made a new blogging friend names Angela. She e-mailed me personally this information and I asked if I can share it with all of you for inspiration and to help with advertising. She said that it would be great. I will leave out her last name just in case for privacy but I would like you all to read this e-mail I was sent then hear my exciting news after.
Angela writes:
Hey, sorry to contact you personally and not comment on your blog, but I was just reading it and it brought back many memories! We have adopted 2 wonderful children, you can see their pictures on my blog at www.monsterquilt.com. I am adding new videos of our 2 year old sometime today. Anyhow, I had a few suggestions for you, we did not go through fostering, so I don't know if you can do any of this. But we ran marketing campaigns for our adoption. We used adoption.com, which cost us about $100.00 per month, but we got our first baby in about 2 months. The second, my husband just started a company that runs landing page campaigns and it is www.Ad2action.com. Hopefully these can help, but the agency told us, we are not marketing, we are just your legal team, if you want a baby, put yourself out there. It was crazy, I felt like I was running singles ads, but it was worth it. We put in our Christmas letter that we had adopted and we wanted to adopt more, and what do you know, that is how we got our newest one. She is 5 months old and we are about to finalize on her on September 9. It has been the best experience of my life. We went through 7 years of infertility treatments, surgeries, heartbreaks, and now that I see those little babies and they reach out for me and call me mommy, it makes it all worth it. I know that God had a plan for me and it was to not be able to have my own children. And it has been amazing working with the birth mothers, they both say the same thing. God had a plan for them and it was not to keep those children but to be a vessel to bring them to our family. I know now, you will have heartache, but one day it will work out the way it is supposed to. If you need anything, let me know. I love hearing stories of people adopting. So many people are set on IVF or other treatments, I have heard many comments, I don't think I could love them as much. HAHAHAH! I think they are loved more! Our children are so special and it was amazing when and how we adopted them. They are special children and they deserve the best of homes! Anyway, sorry for rambling, I just read your blog through a common friend of ours and wanted to wish you LUCK on your journey. It is a roller coaster, but it is a fast and scary ride!Thanks,Angela
I thought this was some great inspiration and good information to share with those that are interested in the sites. I just have to say thank you so much Angela for sharing that with me and allowing me to share this information and your story with others. I think it really help and I know it helped me and thank you.
For my new news. I have been my social worker or the lady who came over to do my home study and who is currently my social worker because I had not heard back from her. I also e-mailed her because on that website from Angela (adoption.com) I went on the website and saw to really cute kids that were 6 year old girl Lexis and 2 year old brother Jayden and they were from Maine and cute as a button and I wanted to know if my social worker could look into it. I e-mailed her last Friday she finally e-mailed me back yesterday stating that she was wondering if we would be interested in two boys. She said they may be looking for an adoptive home for them but she won't know more until the end of next week. She said there ages are 2 years and 3 month and 1 year and 2 months. She said for us to let her know if we are interested. Well of course I e-mailed here right away then she actually e-mailed me back to give me any information she knows. She said one child was born 11/22/06 and the other 12/17/07 both are brothers, she didn't give a name, she said they are caucasian and the oldest has been in foster care since 7/13/07 then tried to reunite and it was unsuccessful and the younger child has been in foster care since 2/11/09. She stated there current foster parent is not certain she can care for three small children long term because she is fostering another child who is 1 years old in her care and so they said they may be looking for a permanent family for these children. She said when they hear more she will let me know. yeah! There is no guarantee that this is even going to happen but it is an opportunity and I am not getting my hopes up as to not get hurt but I am excited. My birthday is on August 23 and I will be 28 and my husband says maybe this is our month like I said that things will start to look up for us. We just paid our money down on Tuesday for the hotel for our anniversary vacation on the 28th-30. We will see what happens oh well this is what I always wanted is what I told Tim. We already spent how much money to be at this place to adopt what's some money that we loose on the hotel as long as I get my dream of becoming a parent. I am happy as can be. Yeah I am excited and happy. Please everyone pray for me that these are my babies. I hope it happens and I truly do appreciate everyone's support that they have shown. Thank you again! :)

Another day with my thoughts

Sunday the 23 will be my 28 birthday. I was thinking back to when Tim and I first talked about kids. We always said that kids were really important to both of us. At the time we meet I was 18 and Tim was 21. We always said we wanted children at a young age and we wanted to be young parents. I said I wanted to be into 1 years of marriage before we had our first child and how I wanted my second child by the time I was 27 or 28. If things went the way we always planned I would have two kids right now. It is weird how things work. Also when we got married Tim and I even talked about after our 1 year anniversary we would start trying and I was 23 when we got married. I also knew when we got married my dad was sick and I had hoped that my dad would at least see my first child. I think to my self, I guess this is a lesson that you can't plan everything. I don't want to feel bad for myself but I catch my self saying "where did I go wrong". I pray everyday that will be the day we get the call. I had really hoped it was this month and maybe this month was good luck for us since it was my birthday and then our 5 year anniversary on the 28th. I am still not giving up hope just wishing my life would have unfolded differently. My life just is not complete with out children. I even told Tim last night I don't know if I can handle another Christmas with out children. We have no children in the family and although I love Tim's family (who we spend Christmas with) it is kind of boring. I want to wake up Christmas morning and have Christmas music playing and the kids be excited about Santa and read the night before Christmas to then on Christmas eve as my dad did for my brother and I. These are all things I look forward to and at Christmas I tend to get more depressed that we don't have children and I guess it is a combination and my dad. Tim said , now I don't know if he said it out of anger of not having a child after all these years but that if we didn't have a child by Christmas that we are not decorating our house and his mom decorates and that we go over there anyway since we don't have children. So I can see his frustration. I know some of you are like what is she talking about Christmas for, but it is only 4 months away which I think is coming quick. Sorry but this week just was not working for me. As much as I tried to stay positive I found my self still sad. I will get better my birthday is coming and my anniversary and I know Tim will make me smile. Thanks for listening. :)

About the rest of my pics on vacation and home study

Sorry it took so long to get back but Tim just fixed the computer on Friday then we were busy. About the rest of vacation and pictures. We had a great time. This was Tim and I on the boat.

These next few pictures were of Tim playing cards with the kids and the card picture that little girl is Alli and she was one of the twins that were the flower girls at that wedding I posted the pictures for and her sister is in another picture posing with Tim. Aren't they so cute. I love to watch Tim playing with kids you can tell he really enjoys it.
This picture Tim was going over football plays with the girls to go against the boys and of course he was there quarter back. I took a billion of these pictures but I loved this one most the way he gets down to there level and talks to them like they are adults and not children. So cute
This is a picture of Tim and I's campfire we made so we could make dinner. Which were hot dogs and then later we all sat by it and talked and had a great time with smores and that. I was very happy with my skill to help build fire. Haaaha
This little cutie below is Kayla and her parents and this is her first vacation up there. This is a cool picture because Kayla's mom is Jenny who is Tim's age and a family friend. Tim and Jenny and in the above picture while Tim was playing card was Jenny's brother Jim. They use to all come up to Houghton Lake were we vacationed every year since they were 8 years old. There parents and Tim's parents all got along and went on vacation this time every year and they have been going up there for a long time and this picture just shows the kids that use to come up as kids having kids. Which I think is pretty cool, because when can you say you have vacationed with the same people for 23 years and then see those kids way back when now having kids and they get to enjoy it like they all did when they were young. Little Kayla is 10 months.

Then I just added a picture of Tim and I just fishing and having a great time. All in all I think you all can see what a great and fun time we all had. Fun times.
Okay about the HOME STUDY. So I was nervous like I told you all on Monday. She came over and was very nice. She was at the house for like 2 hours. I liked her but what bothered me was that she told me that she wouldn't be our social worker. She will give me the name of the social worker once she knew who it was and she was not sure why my call came through t her is why she was following up. Well she liked us and we liked her and now we are going to have another social worker who has never meet us, never saw our house, doesn't know our personalities and what we want and don't want. It was kind of disheartening. Like Tim said if that Lady Rita was our social worker he said he feels we would be chosen in months. But now with someone who has no idea who we are we don't know were we stand. I know at least we are in the process but why didn't they give my call to the correct person who would have been our social worker and that person might have not been as busy as she was and had to wait as long as Rita said someone quit and she was doing the job of 2 people is why it took so long to get out here. I just want to say keep your stuff straight. I understand it is frustrating to them but it is frustrating for us as well. I am sorry now I am going down negative vill. At least we have switched they have our paper work now I just need to wait for the call of who is our social worker and hope to talk to them to get to know them and they can get to know us. I asked how long can it take to get chosen on average and like everyone they were wishy washy about the answer then Tim kept saying a round about. She said a month to a year. I think that is good news we will see what is to come. There were some hard questions though. DHS asked what age group were we interested in which was hard but we said 0-7 years old and depending on the issue and circumstance. Then they asked some sensitive questions, that are always hard to answer and I will not share and answer them as not to hurt any one's feeling or beliefs on such a sensitive questions but if you have been through the adoption process you know those questions that they ask about what type of child you would except. When you have to answer them you start to sweat and say in your head I have to give an honest answer. It is hard to answer and who's not to say that my answer could be dead wrong if I meet the child. It is hard thing and I think that is the worst part but she was nice and just said you have to do what is right for you and the child. She said it was good to think about both the child and ourselves because some families can be so desperate to have a child they take any children even one's that they can't handle just because they wanted a family so bad. I am sure. I know I am almost to that point and Tim keeps telling me this is the rest of our lives. We can only take what we can handle. I completely agree. Everyone is build differently. Everyone handles thongs differently. From here we will see what happens. One question she asked because I told her I was only willing to foster a child to adopt. Then I told her if there is a situation that one child is adoptable and the other sibling isn't that we would foster the other sibling even if the family comes back to take the one we will always have contact regardless with the other sibling so they can see each other. Then she asked me if I would be willing to foster a child short term and she used the example if a foster parent is going on vacation or an emergency death in the family or something if we would be able to foster the child for a short amount of time. At first I was like I don't know I would be babysitting a stranger but then like she said it is a good way to network with foster parents who are only interested in fostering. She said that foster parents have chosen an adopted families before when they saw what a good job they did with the child when they babysat the child. I figured sure why not. You never know what can happen. I think my big deal with fostering is I want to do it but I don't want to get hurt. I want to show a child the love they need to grow but then I think I would put up a wall with a child as to not get hurt when that child goes back to there parents and I know that is not good for a child is why I said no to fostering just to foster any child. I want to ultimately foster to adopt. We will see what happens and what is to come but that is were I stand right now.

Friday night we went to a baseball game to see the Detroit tigers play. We had a great time.

I'm Back

Vacation was great. I have a lot of great pictures for all of you. When I was on vacation with all our friends and there kids, it made me just want a family even more. To hear the kids laugh and play and just have so much fun. I can't wait to expience that with my own child. Tim and I did so much with the kids. I swam with them, we played cards with them, took them out for ice cream, also mini golf. We just had so much fun. Tim and I kept saying we can't wait until it is our turn and how these friends of ours are so lucky to have a family. I am really excited about this Thursday. It is the day of our homestudy with DHS. I know we have already done a homestudy but I am kind of nervous. I know there is nothing to be nervous about but when they ask you all these questions you want them to know you are good parents and you want to make sure you show them how child proof the house is which is hard when you don't have children yet. I had to look through my old stuff when I first started to remember everything they look for. I think the one thing I forgot all about was the water being at a certain degree. I like hot water and the degree they want it at is cool so I forget that. I know it will be fine I am nervous for nothing I have done this before. We will get through it. Nobody ever tells you how many hoops and emotions you will go through in this process until you are there. I have my 28th birthday coming on August 23 and our 5 year anniversary of us married on August 28 and August 2 was 10 years since we meet. I hope we have a great month. I hope my dreams of becoming a mother come true. I love kids and being up north with all them reminded me how much I want them and love them. Just the simple things like the giggles, playing tag, running with them and seeing the excitment and joy on there faces are well worth it.

Well anyway here are some pictures of water and sunsets the last few days on vacations. Hope you like them.


Now this next picture is a once in a lifetime picture. I say that because Tim is 6' 3" tall so he is a tall and big guy and when he came up to me and said "do you want to go paddel boating with me" I was in shock. So I asked my father in law to take this picture as proof and evidence.hahaahh.

I want to share more photos and I will in my next blogg but I am having trouble with my connections and I have to ask Tim to fix it. Sorry. I keep trying to upload picture and it keep wanting to connect to our old internet source where since we have used a new company for over a year and it is giving me trouble. Let me ask Tim and I promise I will show you some more great pictures I would love to share. I missed talking on this thing but it was a nice and great vacation. Maybe I wil try to blogg again if this network thing gets better on Thursday so I can tell you all how our homestudy went because she comes over Thursday morning around 9. So hopefully I can catch you all up then. Till then talk to you all real soon.

Sorry for the short posting

Sorry everyone if this ends up short then usual. I am going on vacation starting tomorrow (Friday) after work for a week up north. I can't wait to go on vacation and I just had to drop this line before I left because I didn't want people to think I had dropped off the face of the earth but I was extremely busy getting packed today and cleaning my house since when I get back it will only be a couple of days till my second home study. Yeah 2 more week. I remember reporting that and it was 4 weeks and that felt like forever away. Half way there now. I am very excited to leave I need a vacation the stress of life and work is really starting to hit me hard lately where I get crabby sometimes just because. I think it is I just need a vacation to get away and not think of the stressful life at home. Leave up north and shut off my cell phone, computer and any contact with the stress of the outside world. It feels like I am running away from home. Hahaha. But in a good way. I promise when I come back I will post pictures of our time up north and sunsets and the cute little girl that I posted in that wedding blog they are going up north along with all of our other friends that go up every year on this week. One more thing I was meaning to mention I was coming home today and I saw a rainbow and of course you all know what I wished and I wished the picture came up better but it was beautiful. My Birthday is coming on August 23 and I will be 28. I hope that my birthday finally comes through on my wish to be a mother. Also on August 28 we will be celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary. Yeah

Hope August brings some other good things but until then I will talk to you next week when I come back and hope you all have a good weekend and nice week. :)

Watching 16 and Pregnant

My blogging friend Savannah had 16 and pregnant on her blog about this weeks episode about a couple who gave there child up for adoption. It was so sad yet so heart warming. You just have to see that episode. That episode was actually taped like 20 minutes from our house. I use to be in the nursing program and did my nursing there at Port Huron hospital and that nurse that was wheeling her out I actually did some rotations with her. It was just weird. It was a very good episode though.
I also wanted to share with my new blogging friends since I put this on my old Blog that there is a free adverting on parentgallery.com . You can post your profile there for free. I just wanted to share that with all of you. Still waiting for my appointment for my second home study on Aug 6. Trying to wait patiently.
I also am still having problems hitting on my interests and seeing others blog. I heard from Savannah and she was having problems and I am still having these problem and was wondering if anyone else is still or ever had problem and if you know how I am suppose to correct this issue. Thanks :)

At work on a quick lunch break and had a question

When I am going into my interests I am not able to pull anything up. It is spelled right and in the past I was always able too but I realized on Monday and then I checked again today that I still couldn't pull up any blogs off my interests. I was wondering if anyone had a similar problem or who may be able to tell me who to fix it if there is a problem. Sorry I know computers just not well and I am some what new to blogging so I was not sure. Well have to go back to work but looking forward to hearing from you. Thanks! :)

Fun Weekend passing the time

So this weekend we went up North to the cottages to check some people in on Friday. It was a beautiful sunset.

Then we left on Saturday to go to a wedding and have some fun

And we were having fun playing with our friends kids who were the flower girls. Although I am not in any of these pictures because I am usually the picture taker and when I see a moment like the ones below I run for my camera.

And yes these are two twins as the flower girls. They are going to be 6 in August.

We had a great time. Trying to pass the time to make August 6th come a bit quicker so I got some stuff going on . We are going on our vacation up north on July 25th to August 2 for a week like we do every year. We have Tim's family and friends even the 2 flower girls above are going. There older sister Melissa actually stood up in our wedding when she was 4 which this is pretty cute to see. So I am looking forward to vacation and then when we get back I am going to have to re clean my house now that we will get home and have laundry and such and have it ready and baby proof for this new social worker to come over so we can do a second home study since we switched our agencies. I know I had people as about this but we switched because DHS did more adoptions a year then our other agency. They say they do about 50 adoptions a year verses our other agency that does 3 to 5 a year. Not only that but DHS will let us adopt from any state and the age is any age versus our agency that is 0-2 years old. Like they said they only do infants but are licenced to do 0-2 years old. We are pretty open to even older. Maybe 4 or 5. We are pretty open minded and I felt with DHS they were pretty open too and didn't have many stipulations.

I forgot to mention at the wedding I had people come up to us when we were playing with the flower girls asking when we were having kids. I explained to them our situation and how we would love to adopt. Then I heard two people say to me what if you adopt and then get pregnant. I was kind of taken back that someone would ask that but I thought that would be obvious. We would have 2 kids and all would be wonderful. We always wanted two kids and we would be complete. Then after I thought I answered honestly and from my heart and they got it YES they asked well how would you treat them both. I couldn't believe it but I kept my composure and put a smile on my face and said I wouldn't love one more then the other. I explained that when we finally adopt a baby that baby is going to mean the world to me. We have been waiting this child for such a long time they would be so special to us. We feel this child in our heart. I explained the baby doesn't have to come from me, we love children and any child is a blessing and should be treated like one with all the love in the world. They said wow I guess I never knew someone who adopted before. I then explained to keep us in mind if any scenario came up but I guess if they don't know anyone who adopted I am not sure how far I will get with that but then I started hearing some people say that you write a letter and send it to all your friends and family about your journey to adopt in case a scenario came up. I thought we told everyone but I guess it wouldn't hurt to send a letter. I never heard of that but I was wondering how do write one. I don't want it to sound weird or desperate. I want to get our point across without someone asking why we are sending it. I was wondering if anyone sent one to there family and friends and what do you write or even how do you start a letter like that. It is kind of intimidating. If you have followed my previous blog you know I don't quite. I will do everything I can to have my dream to be a mom and a family. I have sent fliers in the colleges and I have put fliers in the hospitals and put info in the news paper. I am even blogging which I would never guess I would do because I am not computer savvy but I am getting better at this I am just now finally posting pictures. But I am trying everything I can to make my dream come true. I can not wait for that special day when I get that call. But until then the wait will Begin. The whole thing of waiting until we have our home study done again I feel like I am starting at the beginning. I read that blog Heart Cries and it puts a smile on my face and gives me inspiration that my day will come to be a mom. I always try to think that there is a baby out there or being formed right now for me but you never know. I keep my heart on my sleeve sometimes and I think that is how I get hurt. I know now that adoption is a roller coaster of emotions as invetro was but I hope god hears my cries. I try not to preach on this website to much about faith because I know everyone has there own beliefs and I don't want to preach to anyone but I do pray every night that the baby for Tim and I is out there and that we will get that life changing call but until then please hang in there with me. :)