Friday, April 30, 2010

Thank you!

Thank you everyone for your comments and help. They were all very helpful. Just to answer some questions that were asked and that I can tell you with out giving his personal life away is he is very attached to us. His counselor is not an attachment counselor but she says in his play she tells me we are doing a great job and in the short time we have had him she is amazed with how comfortable and affectionate he is to us. So I don't know necessarily if it is an issue with attachment but maybe in some way. He doesn't know about the appeal his dad made that we are waiting for the judge to still finalize so he thinks we are just waiting for the worker to get the paper work through but the adoption worker is finished that quick because she said since we where with catholic social services to adopt a baby we had all adoption and foster info already worked out so she just had to do an addendum to the previous report that was already done. So once the judge gives up the go ahead we will be able to get court scheduled right away since it is already done with paper work. He doesn't know that because we don't need another thing hanging over his head. He is already practicing in school are last name because it is a catholic pre school and we pay out of our pocket for it the teacher is very personable and told us she will have him practice our last name even though it is not official yet. But I would like it to be official before he starts Kindergarten in public school because then his last name will be the old one and he doesn't like when I make doctor appointments with his old name he says I am not that I am your last name. So he seems to feel secure. He gets a lot of love. Not only are we always showing him lots of love but grandma and grandpa can't get enough of him. After his eye appointment today my mother in law was so nice she kept offering to take Justin for a little while till the ball game tonight and I kept telling her no but she insisted I had a little me time because she said she can tell that I need a little break to refuel. So I made an appointment to get my hair cut in a little bit and to get some stuff done around the house and I am bringing in my car for oil change and stuff like that. I needed this just to refuel so he doesn't feel my aggravation. I try not to show it but my mother in law sees it which means he has to see it so I thought her taking him for a little was best. I was a little stressed this morning because he failed his eye exam at school in one eye and I was praying that we would have best case scenario and he would just need some glasses but no unfortunately it had to be worst case scenario. He has a cataract in his right eye so he needs surgery which we scheduled for after vacation and the soonest was August 2 which I am of course nervous as can be for him because he was scared just going to the eye doctor to look in his eye my mother in law went with me for support and boy was I happy she did because as I was scheduling for surgery she took him into the waiting room and then I started to cry. I couldn't help it. It just bothered me. I think it was just everything. He has to wear a patch for 3-4 hours a day to build strength in the eye with the cataract because it is becoming lazy which is going to be a challenge a big challenge for us and him and going into surgery you never want to see your baby scared and hurting and having to go through surgery I even am scared and fearful of surgery for me so I can only imagine what his little brain was thinking. He was so scared when the drops were in his eyes to help dilate them he kept saying he couldn't see his hand and he wants to be better I hope he is better before the game tonight. Grandma is also taking him to get his haircut which I really so have the best in laws ever that is why I call them mums and papa. They are like my parents even though I don't have really a mom at least I have them. They help tremendously and relieve the pressure. This is the first time I have had me time in I don't know how long. I am usually dropping him off at school coming back home working from home picking him up to come home and work some more from home or I go to work and go pick him up. This is so different to me not having by me or in this quiet house. hahah. I am really trying but I just want to be a better mother and that is why I asked for your help. I just needed to know what you would do if in this situation. We give him everything toys, his own room and a toy room. love experiences, fun, family. We try our best and sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. I love him to death, Tim does grandma and grandpa, 2 aunts and 3 uncles all love him more than anything and he knows it and is so spoiled by all even our friends. He seems to really fit in and to be really happy but it just seems even my mother in law said after talking about it today that he snaps. He almost has bipolar. You can never see when the out burst is going to happen then he acts like what happened I didn't do it but then later can tell you why or what happened. It is really weird and I have told the counselor but she said he is to young to be checked for any bipolar but to keep an eye on it and that it just my be his experience or we don't know what he was exposed to at birth that can set off his mind to be like a different person. I mean when he got made an lunged at me and pulled my hair and tried to punch me I was so shocked that I think that is why I screamed at him so loud almost like I was a little scared of him but needed him to wake up and be his normal self. I can't explain it but that action is not like him. I do really appreciate the help and this will be an upward battle for a while and I understand but it scares me when he acts like that or when I feel like I am losing control of him and losing control of my actions is why he stayed up in his room for the rest of the night. I didn't know what else to do or who to ask and Tim wasn't home my in laws were up north and I needed help and appreciate you all so much. I don't care if you are a mom to some kids or a dog, or a bird it doesn't matter to me if you never parented a child I just needed any ones ideas or input to help me figure out what to do because you have to remember this is my first time being a parent too. I didn't get him from birth and can feel him out and adjust to knowing his past or what he is accustomed so I am new at this too getting a 5 year old and not knowing what is normal for a boy that age and what is not but I know the carpet is just a thing and that didn't bother me as much as him telling me he just felt like it and giggling at me as he is telling me and then attacks me by pulling my hair and trying to kick and punch me. So I do appreciate every one's in put and help. Thank you all so much for being there for me in the time of weakness. Even though I have never met you in person I do feel you are all my friends because you did more for me then any of my friends I see all the time have done for me so thanks so much from the bottom of my heart. :)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Need Help!!!!!

So I wanted to strangle Justin today. I don't mean it literally but he was just pushing me over the edge and I feel bad saying that because I have waited all this time but I need to ask for some help or what you think. So Yesterday I picked Justin up from school he was in a great mood and all was good. I just finished kidding around and dancing to the theme music fro one of his shows on Nick and he was laughing and loves to dance and play funny when that music comes on and after it was over he was watching it and coloring with his crayons. I told him I would be right back I just had to do a little work since I worked from home yesterday to be with him more he came running in like 5 maybe 10 minutes later all happy and jumping around and jumping on my lap and that is when I noticed the marker all over his hands. I mean all over his hand. I said Justin where did you get marker from because you know you are not allowed to play with marker in this house especially on our carpet. I told him there better not be any marker on the carpet. He went running then I knew something was wrong. I went in and he was sitting on it and acted like he didn't know what happened then gave me 50 million ways of how it could have happened but all by mistake and none matched up with what he was saying. So after he was in time out for and hour because he after I told him I was throwing away the markers because he is not to play with them in the house and I told him no TV for the rest of the day he refused to get on the couch for a time out so the time keep increasing even though it started at 5 minutes. After his hour time out I made him dinner and told him to eat and spend the rest of the night up in his room. He had that tacked on to no PlayStation and now his punishment was not TV yesterday and today and no PlayStation for the same days and he had to play in his room for the rest of last night. He said he was sorry last night then he told my husband he did it because he was thinking of his old parents and what they did (can't get into specifics of what he said) because that made him be taken from them and he didn't want to be taken. I asked him if her was unhappy here and he said no but he missed his old mom and dad. Now we have an open door policy that he can ask us or talk to us about anything and we are very open with him we also have a counselor to help to ease these issues without the big blow ups we use to have for the first 3 months but those blow ups are now starting to come back. So he did tell us sorry and that he should be without all those things for a week and I told him 2 days is good. So I was being nice I read him a story still before he went to bed and said our prayers and today I picked him up from school bought him McD's like he likes, I let him have a piece of one of the Easter candy things he likes,and I watched a program that is for me but he likes it too and is fine for his age even thought he is not to watch TV I said he just can't watch what I am watching. I was on the phone with work since it is end of the month and they had questions and I get off the phone come in the room and he took a colored pencil and colored on my carpet in the same spot. I was so mad. I asked him calmly why he did it. The first thing he said was that he was not mad at anyone. I asked why did he do it. I made up some story again. So tomorrow he is suppose to go with Tim and I to a Tigers game his first baseball game he is really excited about and I told Justin to tell me the truth or he doesn't go he just keeps going around it so I took away the rest of his candy and he lunged at me really aggressively and was trying to fight me to get the candy and he looked really mean. I told him that is not going to happen I ripped it out of his hand picked him up and carried him up the stairs and as we were going he was kicking and kicked a spindle but I didn't baby him I just kept on going and put him in his room now he is in there for the rest of the night again. I don't know what is wrong with him all of a sudden. He told me just now after an hour in his room I asked him why he did it because at the time it happened I can't tell you how my heart was pounding out of my chest and heat in my head after he tried hurting me and called me dumb which he has never ever did. I know he could have learned that from his old family but he never has ever said that he he has been really mad and blown up before and I have never heard him say that. But he told me he colored on the carpet just because he wanted to. I felt like taking one of his toys and breaking it and saying how does it feel to have something of your ruined but I didn't want to sick to a child's level. But this is the first time he is ruining our stuff. He usually always ruins his own stuff and we tell him we won't buy him anything anymore is he is not going to care about what we get him. I am so mad at him he lost TV and PlayStation again for tomorrow maybe longer depending on what Tim says because he is going to hit the roof once he finds out. My husband was questioning me last night if I think it is all the immunizations we had to give him. I know that is controversial but he had none given and now that rights are termed even though we are still waiting on birth dad's appeal and they say it should be a done deal they told me to catch him up on the the immunization he should have had so since February he has had a lot and a lot of them mixed and usually kids don't get that much at one time they get it through out life it is also a concern because of the Mercury in them and he would have had a much higher level then other kids since he has had so much in the past 3 month he has had at least 11 immunization in that time. It is questionable. I just don't know. I asked if it had anything to do with his old parents he said not this time and I asked again then why he said he just felt like it and kind of giggled. I don't know what else to do. I know we look like a little perfect family but I don't want to talk about all the bad and negative when I have been waiting for this all this time and I finally get it when other friends in the blog world are still waiting for there chance to have a family. I know when I was waiting I used to say I wished people would appreciate what they have rather then not and I felt how fair is that they get to have a baby when they complain and I am over here waiting and so it makes me feel bad to say all this but truly I love and appreciate him but I need some help or input or something. Guidance even. He is driving me crazy and I don't know how to stop this behavior that is just springing back into action. I haven't seen him like this since maybe January and now he is back to this and it is bad. It is so bad that screamed at him when I was putting him in his room because he grabbed on to my hair and pulled that my throat hurts and I feel bad for that but he was just a monster and I don't understand it. When a kid ruins your stuff has nothing to say for it but they feel like it and giggle when they can tell your mad, and they lunge at you and call you dumb and pull your hair I just felt like I was going to loose it. I need some input to help me figure this out or to be a better mom. I don't know and now I am asking for help. HELP!!!!

What if you got pregnant as planned

I was thinking about this yesterday when I was trying to figure out why the infertility bothered me so much. I decided to dig deep and figure out my true feelings. Well I thought if everything went as planned and I got pregnant would I have 2 kids or 3. Tim always wanted 2 and I always wanted 3. I wondered how big or small our babies would be, what my stomach would look like pregnant? Would my children have been healthy? Who would they look like Tim or me? Would they be a girl and a boy or 2 boys or 2 girls? Would the girl or girls be daddy's little girl like I was would the boys be mommas boys? What would they look like? What would there personality be like? I know this kind of sounds silly to think about someone or something that never happened but it is a fantasy. It is something you think about before you decided to try to get pregnant out of curiosity and now that you learn you won't be pregnant those thoughts start to become real since it hits you that won't happen that fantasy you had. That is very real. I know you shouldn't dwell on the past but I figured if it bothered me this much I needed to figure out why and to understand my feelings about it because just like when my dad past and the infertility happened both were a big loss for me and I just closed up my feelings and said you have to just learn to deal with it. Then I think I am okay just like at the shower and all of a sudden those emotions came out of know where. I didn't think I would be effected like that. This happened to me the other day. I was in the store getting Birthday cards and mothers day card. May is a very busy month as mother's day card for both my mom and Tim's and my brother's birthday, Tim's birthday, my dad's was in May and my mom's boyfriend or soon to be husband is also in May and as I was being nice looking for a card for his birthday I couldn't help getting teared up in the store looking for his birthday card because all I can think is I am looking for a card for my mom's soon to be husband when I should be looking for a card for my dad even though he is not here any more it still sparked at me all of a sudden in the store and that lingered with me all day. That is when I decide to look deeper and figure out why I get that way and why I can't just express my emotions normally without feeling I am wrong in some way. I am not one to go to a psychiatrist. Not that I don't believe in them as I know a bunch of people who get help but I would rather vent and talk about it with friends and family that knew what I went through rather then tell someone who I know is going to tell me what I already know as I am not dealing with the issue which I am trying to do now. Thanks for letting me express and get this out so I can leave this here and not let it tag along with me all day in my mind. These are just some of my thoughts I was thinking about yesterday and it followed me to today and I figured when I type it out I get it out and feel better for the rest of the day. Thanks :)

Monday, April 26, 2010

infertility doesn't get any easier

I really thought that once Justin came I wouldn't have that feeling because I got what I always wanted which is family. I have a family now and it makes me so happy and blessed that I have it but pieces of me keep surprising me when I get emotional thinking about my infertility. So last year if you were reading my blog I told you about my girlfriend who latched on to me because she couldn't get pregnant but of course she thought it would happen first try so she tried for 8 months and couldn't get pregnant. Now for all of us we say 8 months is nothing she didn't even have to go to a specialist or any fertility treatment what so even not even clomid. But she would cry on MY SHOULDER someone who has been trying for in May 5 years now compared to here 8 month. She would cry and cry and criticize our other friend who was pregnant because she would say she couldn't even look at her because it would get her upset and she couldn't even go to a baby shower all this drama and only tried 8 months. She hated when our friend would rub her belly all the time she thought it was throwing it in our faces now I didn't say much in front of her because I was actually being smart and thinking what if she gets pregnant. Well guess what she did in her 9 months try. After she knew and didn't tell us for three months, when she found out she was pregnant was the day after I got Justin. I didn't see her for the whole 3 months not even to see Justin. So once she announced it she tried coming around all the time. Well anyway I am rambling I will get to it she had her baby shower yesterday. I honestly didn't have a bother in the world that I was going I just felt I have done this so many times I am fine and not feeling sad or emotional at all just saying in my head ok how long is this going to be because as you know like hers was like 4 hours and you get bored after a while or after watching gift after gift for over and hour. You get a little bit tired and like come on already I don't like going to these as it is that is why my bridal shower was in my mother in laws backyard and anyone and everyone could go and it was like a picnic style thing with volleyball, horse shoes, and a bunch of other things to do so people could get up and be casual and not feel contained to a room full of women for 4 hours. Sorry rambling again I have to get that under control. Any way her baby shower was yesterday and I was fine she was doing all the things of course that she hated when my friend was doing when she was pregnant that made me chuckle. Then before she opened her gifts she made a little speech just saying how she used to be jealous of pregnant women and now she is one and how Happy she is and now she finally feels like she fits in and all is right in her life and I don't remember what she said after because the first two sentences was all I can handle but now I fit in in and she gave our girlfriend who had the baby a little gift bag for the baby and all when before she would never even hold the baby because that would be helping our friend out and she didn't think she deserved help. I think that is just ridiculous and now she holds this little baby at the shower and gives her gifts and all and oh she did mention how her our our girlfriend are now going to be closer and bonded now that there babies can play. It started to hit me after as I started gazing and wondering off in my head as she was opening the presents. It was like my husband had a six sense. My phone vibrated and he was texting me at the shower and this is word for word our text to each other Tim: "how long until you will be home we miss you" Mine"I miss you too so much too why is Justin driving you crazy or something" Tim: "no were playing baseball and were thinking of you and wanted you home". Mine Well that sounds like fun I wish I was there instead of here this doesn't get any easier to go to these baby showers" Tim" Well we both love you and we have the best family anyone could want. I just have to say how cute. Then tears started to stream down my face and I had to excuse myself. I couldn't help it I just all of a sudden found I was an emotional mess at this shower and was afraid for anyone to see me like that. It was so hard I just wanted to go home to my family. I felt like no one knew how I felt. I felt alone and trapped. I am watching my 2 friends that had there kids there one who had a young baby that I was talking about earlier and my other some what of a friend who was pregnant and rubbing her tummy like crazy and I honestly didn't feel like I fit in. All these women got to experience being pregnant and having pictures of there big belly's and having a shower and everyone being excited for you and excited to see this baby, and they all get to experience and talk about the first time they held and looked at there child and they will get to share memories of the child as a baby and get to go through the whole experience and probably do it again for another child. I just feel so happy to have Justin but I can't say I even have a picture of him any younger then when he first came to us. There was no pictures and I don't know his background. I can't tell him his nationalities and don't know what his religion was before but we are choosing one for him since we don't know, I can't tell him any family history. DHS doesn't have any of this stuff so it is hard. I can't say when he was born he weighed ---- and
he was this long ----- and he was born at ------ time. I don't know where all his scares came from I know some but not all that has happened to him in his life and all these women have no idea of what that feels like because they are all going to experience it and they all think I am fine because I have Justin when I guess I am obviously not. So no infertility never gets easier and I had learned that yesterday. It still carries into today and I don't know how to stop this and move on. It is the same thing with my dad passing I know I will never get over it but when can I just learn to deal with it. It is so hard and I don't want Justin or Tim to ever feel that from me. I have to be showing it in some way if it is bothering me this much. I don't want that to happen they mean to much to me. I just am trying to look forward. But why can't I deal with it. I will never get pregnant we did all we could do exhausted ever option and now are adopting to make our dream for a family come true but the infertility still creeps in my head and starts being this negative force. I feels like a magnet it sucks the life out of you. I make me so emotional and upset. I hate that because I know I was always stronger then that. After my dad and the infertility it is like I have become weak. Just like I said like it sucked the life out of me. Thanks for all listening this is the only place I can go and really explain myself and feel like people understand me and not judge me. I can't talk this openly with anyone because they truly don't understand these feelings at all and I felt some of you may have felt this as well. I just don't want to hear another person is pregnant or inviting me to any baby showers for a while.Thank you all again.

Friday, April 9, 2010


This is so sad and breaks my heart. This poor child and I can't believe this woman can possible do this. You make your own opion. This upset me.

Baby clothes

Ever since I got that call in February for that infant from DHS I have thought about what if they call me today I will be ready. I don't think I want to do that. Before that call I was obsessed with the fact we were parents to Justin who is our dream come true. We were happy with just him for the rest of our lives until that call came in and all of a sudden my heart opened up to the idea of a baby. I don't like that I feel that way because I don't want to be greedy and I don't know if it is just the feeling because of loss that all my friends are pregnant or just had a baby that I feel lose that I can't have one or I didn't get to experience it but I know I am truly happy with Justin 100% but I have these thoughts and more so when a baby shower or a baby is born or even when I go in the extra share bedroom I think about it because I have all the baby stuff in there. I have clothes for both boy and girl clothes, burp rags, bottles, a little bear lamp and piggy bank, blankets, bibs, baby toys and even a play pen. I am honestly thinking about giving it to my mother in law and if I need a baby outfit for a friend I can just go over to her house. Everyone thinks I am crazy when I say that and I am wondering from fellow infertile blogging friends if you ever feel this way. When I say everyone says I should just store it out of site that is my family and friends even my mother in law said she will store it but she doesn't understand why I wouldn't just store it. I feel out of site out of mind and I feel like it is some kind of closer. I feel I might need that last closer. You know what everyone said after that RIGHT. You will probably get pregnant or get a call on an infant. I say out of sight out of mind and if it happens then the worst thing that can happen is I go over there and get it all back but do I truly think I will really get it all back. NO. Do I think I will ever get pregnant? NO Do I think I will ever get a call on an infant? NO. Could it happen possibly but the probability is no. I think we will adopt one more child and they will be older then an infant. I check websites for kids that are under 7 that need a home all the time but it just seems harder to adopt a child out of state. But anyway instead of changing subjects that is just how I feel and was thinking about packing it up this weekend and wanted to know what everyone thought. Am I being ridiculous? have others thought of this? what was you experience. I am thinking about packing it all up this weekend not sure yet see how much time I have. I just think this may be enough closer so I can just focus on my little boy. :)

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Family Easter photo

I always tell my husband Tim that we don't have a lot of family photo's all together and it was Easter and we already left my in laws house and had no one to take our pic and Tim found that we had a timer on my camera who knew. Well here are a few of our family photos to capture this memory that will last forever and there are a few takes because we have never had a timed pic before.


We colored Easter eggs yesterday and he loved it he had a lot of fun. It was everything I can dream of. I have been dreaming and imagining doing this with a child of our own for many years and finally my time has come and I can't put in to words how great that felt.
Today Happy Easter! The picture below he just woke up and he saw a gift from us. No it is not a picnic table but a table for sand on one side and water on the other for boat and cars and stuff with an umbrella so he doesn't burn while he pl ayes. He was very excited amongst all the other things we bought him for Easter. I know we spoiled him everyone keeps telling me but I feel like we have missed almost 5 years of his life and I feel like just want him to enjoy it as much as we do. When he would go wow look at this I am a lucky boy, I couldn't help but get a little teary eyed because he doesn't have any idea how lucky I am to have him. We tell him every day but I don't think he truly gets it. I get butterflies and teary when he gets so excited and I see that excitement because that is everything I couldn't wait to experience and these are moments I will never get back and I want to cherish them.
After eggs and gifts inside we went and took showers and dressed up for church and we let him find the rest of his eggs outside with his nice clothes on I now what was I thinking but it was the only way to get him excited about going to church and bringing some of the candy to church. Sorry some of these are side ways but I have not been feeling good today. It started yesterday and I think it is sinus. My head is killing me and my eyes are waterier, throat sore, nose running and ears pop when swallowing. Hope you all have a good Easter.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Sorry it has been so long

Sorry it has been so long but not much to report on until now. No we haven't heard back from the judge that the petition was denied from the birth dad but we hope it is soon. We will have had Justin 6 months April 5. He came to us October 5 and I will never forget that day as long as I live as that was the day this little boy changed our lives forever. The adoption worker thinks she can finalize the adoption by May but without a finalization on the petition from the court we are kind of waiting while the agency is finalizing and tying up the loose ends so we can adopt him as soon as the petition denies. It is so wonderful listening to Justin call us mom and dad. I truly thought it would never happen because he talked so much about his birth parents but he choose to call us mom and dad. I write a journal for him of what is going on and that he started calling us mom and dad since March 1. It just is a huge step but now he is going through this thing where he has night mares about his birth parents taking him away. He keeps asking when he is ours and I tell him he is. He keeps saying I know but when is it official that my last name changes and I told him hopefully soon but every time the social worker or the adoption lady come over it just reminds him that this is not done yet. I hate that because he is trying to move forward and we are pushing him forward and telling him not to worry about anything because he is ours and will always be but he is a smart kid and tells that he understands but I know that it is in the back of his mind and I can't wait for that day in court to make it official. I know it is just a paper and to me we don't need a paper he is ours but to him it would mean the world and I think close that chapter of his life. I wish the system can see what it does to kids and how waiting all this time just gives them anxiety they shouldn't have to have. It just sometimes seems like they play a game see how much you can take. It is to me if I had him the 6 months and you recommend and tell us we are great parents for him and we have a tone of paper work and back round checks and all why can't you pick up the process for these children.
Well anyway since last Friday until now all Justin talks about is wanting a brother or sister. I think he is hearing the kids at school because every child in his class has a sibling and most of the kids in his class are the youngest. He I think hears the good stuff about how much fun they have and that and it makes him want to have a sibling. So on Monday when I went to pick him up at school one of the moms I always talk to (she also adopted and our sons are good friends) she brought he niece with her to pick up her son and he niece was probably 2 but Justin comes out of class in front of all the moms and says "where did you get that baby did you go to the hospital and pick he out and mom (to me) why can't we have a baby and think you and dad need to have a baby". My face was 5 shades of red. I know he is just a kid but I was just so embarrassed all I can do was laugh. The things that kid comes up with. He tells me on the way home from school can we go to the hospital and pick out a baby. I told him that is not the way it works. He said did those people (DHS) call you about a baby needing a home. I told him not yet. He then said well when are they going to call already. hahahah. He cracks me up and also asked me why can't I have babies. I feel bad I can't give him that. I know he wants a brother or sister so bad. He talks about how he will show the child right from wrong and tell them there alphabet, reading, and even teach them some Spanish words he learned in school. How cute. I hope they do call us. Ever since that call in February I always keep my phone now next to me so we are ready for the next child now that Justin wants a sibling it is hard. Well like everyone says everything happens for a reason. Well see where life takes me. I did have a person at work that thought there may be a potential to adopt a child but that fell through. The baby was due May 1 they decided to keep it and have mom help. We found out about in February after the first call about a baby but then we found out last we before meeting us they backed out. We were suppose to meet this Saturday but found out Tuesday they backed out. I really didn't hold my breath on that one because the girl seemed very unsure which left me with an unsure feeling. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I just try to keep the faith that one of these days I will be called and this child will be a big impact on our lives and family. I will keep you posted until then. :)