Saturday, July 17, 2010

I am done with the hitting

The past week Justin has started the hitting thing. I would tell him he hurt my feelings by what he did or say or I would tell him he can't have something or the other day I actually said to him can I rewind this because I missed what hap pend and he thought I said change the program and he just comes flying up and me and swing and pinching with this really mean and angry face. This happened when he first came here and it continue till about February but I think once we earned his respect and I would say that was in March when he started calling us mom and dad that hitting went away. We still had the outbursts like the crying or throwing but the physical violence was gone. We have gone over this a number of times that we DO NOT allow any physical abuse (hitting, kicking pinching, biting, anything causing serious harm to another) in this house he knows the rules and if those rules are broken he goes up in his room for time out and we take stuff away like his golf stuff he loves to play with or something.

The usual punishment (like talking back, throwing something, not listening, saying something he knows he should not be saying or doing) he gets a time out on the couch and losses a star. We have a star system when he is good and helpful and just has a good day we give him a star and 5 stars he gets a prize on top of the fridge. If he is bad he gets them taken away and if he continues to be bad in punishment he continues to get more time added in 5 minute increments to his already time sometimes depending on how severe another star gets taken away.

Today he started hitting me and I didn't say a word like I usually do an get all upset I just grabbed his hand and walked him up the stairs and he was vishous. Grabbing the spindles of the stairs while screaming and kicking and pinching and biting. The started being disrespectful to me in a really mean way calling me stupid and I don't think and telling me he hates me and I don't know anything after I fought with all my might to keep him in my arms I threw him on the bed and as I went to walk away to close the door he jumped and lunged at me he had a handful of hair and was trying to punch my butt/lower back. I got so enraged I had to stop myself before I lost myself. I think I just got to enraged between the pain because I know he is 5 but my back hurt and my head he took a clump out and then I think the fear of him startled me so much I felt like he needed to know who was boss. What happens when he gets bigger and is stronger then me this needs to stop now.

After 10 minutes in his room and I called Tim because I needed him to calm me down because I was shacking and tearing up I finally went back up to face him and he was acting like an angel. He does this. It is like 2 different people. He was a monster then I go in there it is like it never happened. Believe me I didn't let him get away with it but we had a long talk. This has to stop. I don't know what brought it on this week but when he is good he is very very good and when he is bad he is horrible. Tim and I just talked and decided he can get his golf clubs back that I took away 2 days earlier for hitting but NO TV for a week. We told him that he must be learning this from violent shows and that he can't watch TV now. Don't get the wrong idea he doesn't watch TV a lot and we know what he is watching and some I don't approve of but he watched it in the past and it is on the N*CK channel. The Sponge B*b and I C*^ly and watches Max and R**y and Sc**by D**. These are the programs I am talking about nothing violent I just wanted you to get the idea of what I am doing and working with. We watched the R*ad R*nner when we were young and I know I wasn't violent. I just have had enough and Tim is worst then me right now he is so mad. He wants to take more away and he says I am sick of this. It gets hard I just need to vent and feel better. I am trying to be my best as a first time mother and have a 5 year old that came from another family and I have to correct or reverse stuff. It is very hard. Keep smiling I tell myself. :)

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Any Idea's, Advice please help!

I am sorry but I am getting very impatient about this long wait with this appeal. I feel they made the decision to terminate right with in 2 weeks of the trial and now birth dad does an appeal 2 weeks later and we are still waiting. Terminated 1/13/10 and appealed 2/8/10. We are now in July and school is coming in September. We were first told by Justin's social work a few weeks then 2-3 months then if might take is little longer but we should hear something in July. I received the permanency planning hearing information from his social worker from 6/1/10. I states parents terminated 1/13/10 but then states word for word

" the primary barrier to adoption is hat birth father on 2/8/10, filed an appeal again termination of parental right decision. The appeal process is still pending which will delay the adoption until a decision is made. The anticipated adoption date is July 2010."

Then I got an e-mail yesterday from our adoption worker stating that she had good new and not so good news. Good news was that we were approved for the adoption through the state and we have consent (what ever that means) as of 7/7/10. She says on there end they are all ready to go ahead once they hear the appeal is finalized we can get a court date. The not so good news she put was that she talked to the attorney general (I don't know who this is) but she said that it may be a few more months because of later paper work on behalf of birth dad's lawyer.

I don't understand this because I don't know how this process work. I don't understand they said if things come in late they don't take them. The extension came in late and they threw that out and wouldn't take it. I just don't want him to freak when we go to kindergarten with a different name and he has been asking "mom when am I going to be your last name and when am I going to have my adoption party". This is tuff because it is tuff for me to wait anymore but for him it is agonizing. We worked so hard to get him to this point of comfortablility and the system is failing again. It is crazy how it takes 2 weeks to make a decision to terminate but an appeal we are going on 5 1/2 months. How much longer to wait.

I told you that I would do absolutely anything for him and I did send a letter to the judge but unfortunately I got it sent back to me with a letter stating:

"The court must return your letter addressed to Judge ----- for the reason that it would be improper for the judge to read anything not presented as evidence in court. While we appreciate the fact you tried to let him know about a concern you had, the judge will not be able to consider your letter.

Please understand the limitations imposed on judge by law. The rules are meant to preserve the equality of justice, which is so important to our system of laws."

In the letter to the judge I wasn't trying to make him terminated there right just explained my concern with school and if he could look over the paper work so he can move on with his life and close this chapter.

What else can I do. Any one go through this? Anyone know how long on average appeals take? What more can I do? Can I go up higher to get this resolved or to bring attention or awareness not just for Justin but for other kids going through the same thing? Who do you go to? I want to make a difference and no child should have to feel and comfortable as he is with me that he might not stay here forever and doesn't have solid ground to stand on the longer they make a child wait. I just need some advice or ideas or what else I can do? I have sat on my hand this whole time and I feel like I have been waiting forever. I just wish this could be final already. I can't tell you how many times people ask me when is it final. It makes me mad to say I have no idea because I am sick of saying by the end of the summer. I have really tried hard to be positive which I was doing until yesterday's e-mail from the adoption worker. I even put up a sign on my fridge that appeal will be finalized with us as parent by July 31. I was trying to really believe it would come true I even opened a fortune cookies yesterday that states "everything will now come your way" I truly believed that when I opened it yesterday I was thinking see this positive thing is working then I got the e-mail and I was just so mad. I am sorry but I needed to vent and see if I can get any help of advise. Thanks

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Finding myself

I am sorry it has been a while but I was trying to take time for myself to find who I am again. I feel like I have lost myself about 4-5 years ago. After my family moved in my house and my dad was sick about 4-5 years ago my life turned upside down. I had to be the rock for the family and not get upset and stay strong for my mom and brother who are weaker and my dad asked me to stay strong so as hard as it was I couldn't break down in front of him or anything so giving hugs was very hard not to break down as I never knew if it was my last. After my dad past part of my heart honestly left with him and I have never got it back. I struggled to find why I felt out of sorts and not myself for so long and everyone told me it was normal at first when you dad passes but then the infertility and 2 lost in vetro's. It was hard. They give you those pictures of the embryo's and the ultrasound of them inside of you after they put them in that you are hopeful that you will see them some day. Well when it didn't happen it was devastating it was like I lost those babies after seeing them on the ultrasound and under the microscope it feels like they are already yours and losing them 2 times took such a hard toll on me. I was hard on myself and I just never felt like anyone enjoyed my company like they use to because I didn't enjoy myself.

I am just starting to realize this now. I had my girlfriend who came over on Saturday and her mom died a year and a week after my dad so she was going through that loss this weekend with us and was drinking which I swear I don't have a drinking problem it is just when we are around friends or it is around that time and either the issue of my dad, infertility or someone pregnant again! it makes it hard for me to feel happy for that person or to be myself or to be as friendly without that guard up as to not get hurt so I have a drink to relax me and loosen up so people will won't to be by me. No one wants to be the "Debbi downer" and that is what I felt like. I didn't laugh as much or enjoy others company. I just wanted to be with my husband and even when Justin came into our lives I just wanted to be with Justin and Tim and no one else. It was like my safe haven. So it seemed that I would get around others and drink as to numb that pain that I was feeling.

So I started to do some sole searching these past 2 weeks. The test was my girlfriend came over and was drinking and morning the loss of her mom and I just got over the week before morning my dad's loss and it made it easier to want to drink with her BUT I didn't. I took it in and helped her through while talking about my dad. I let myself feel it. I do that with Tim when it is just the two of us but never anyone else. Well I allowed myself to do it. I told Tim I felt like I made a big step today and I explained that I think my problem it that I have never been at peace with my dad being gone. I always felt why him and why now and I need him and I think I truly made it about me.

Well you won't believe it and it is still new to me but I think I am finally at peace with my dad and my infertility. I think the feelings can be there but I think I am at peace with it and understand it. My dad came to me in my dreams on Saturday night after my girlfriend went home and I explained to Tim that I never had peace about my dad leaving. My dad actually came to me. This is very personal and is making me tear up about it now. But anytime I have ever had a dream about him in the last 3 years he has been gone it has been of him sick never well the way he always was a fit and healthy guy. He was the way I remembered him. He said he came down because he knew I wanted so badly to see him one last time and he didn't want me to keep that sick image of him in my head forever and to remember him the way he always was. I remember hugging him and he was only around for a few minutes maybe 3 or 4 but I was able to hug and touch him and smile at him and then he said he had to go and I begged him selfishly to please not leave me and he explained that he had to go and that he could only have this short visit and I was sad but I understood and was grateful to see him again. oh my goodness I can't stop crying. ahahahh. I remember him leaving but I still kept a smile on my face just happy that I had the opportunity to see him again.

I told my husband the next day as I was tearing up trying to tell him and he just hugged me as I explained that I think I am at peace with him being gone. I will never be over it but I am at peace with it. I felt good going into 4th of July which was one of my dad and I's favorite holiday's because we use to have a 4th of July party every year he had a bunch of people over and he did fireworks and so this 4th of July I couldn't help but look at those firework in the sky with a little tear in my eye and a smile on my face thinking of my dad. It felt good for a change. I didn't want to blog about it right away because I didn't know if it was just how I was feeling for that little while or if my sole was truly at peace so I waited a few days and I still feel the same way.

I know there are going to be sceptics about my dreams and what ever and that is fine but I always try not to put my religious beliefs or anything to change any one's beliefs but I know that my dad came to me in my dreams because it was the right time. I was searching how to feel better about it and searching for answers when everyone always says things happen for a reason I didn't understand the reason and that upset me. I don't need to know the reason it might unfold for me later in life an answer that question. Who knows I just have to be blessed with everything I do have and not what I don't.

I had to post this am I am sorry but on a sadder note they think my aunt and uncle on my mom's side have cancer. They are both going through with some more testing but my uncle has 2 masses in his lungs and my aunt has 2 masses in her throat that doctors are afraid it is cancer. They both smoke heavily and have 1 kid together who is 11 and my god son and my aunt had her daughter who is 21. I am praying that everything goes well am it is not cancer. It has been on my mind all week. I did tell my mom since her sister (my aunt) she was worried about the kids and all that I would take them in if anything were to happen. I was totally not trying to think the worse but to ease her mind that they will be taking good care of. Her concern also was if it did happen I live in Michigan and she lives in Jersey and it would be a big change. Please just keep them in your prayers. Thanks