Sad story that I needed to share

This story comes from my county unfortunately where we are fostering our little guy from. This is sad but unfortunately the system failed this child and she is dead. It is sad story and hopefully children won't be in the system as long as they have in and out for year of there young lives like my little guy. It is sad because that is how I think of my little guy. I know about his bad past and I would be devastated if I hear this happened because the system failed. I have been complaining how much the system stinks especially in Michigan there are very different laws then in other states and this just broke my heart when I heard it but hopefully will help open the eyes of others to save these kids. Hopefully it will help me get my little guy as he has been through similar situation. Not that he had any siblings prior who have died but other things were very similar which makes me sad and scared for my little one. Please read to understand how hard it is to give back a child when you know bad things are happening and you can't do anything about it but hope the system works.
http://www.thetimesherald.com/article/201001190635/NEWS01/1190304

Fosting my little guy

Well the social worker talked to us the other day and says court went well. We thought it was not strong for the bio dad but she said since the court is open to the public there are somethings that they can't bring up in court. Those things are what I was talking about. I guess she said there is some privacy and if arrested or police were called there were some of those things that couldn't be brought up in court but the good thing is it is documented for the judge to see and rule on. I pray that this little guy is ours.
I truly to commend the people who can foster and give the child back to parents after fostering. I must be somewhat selfish because it would kill me to give this little guy back. In my mind all we have done and cradle him when sick and kissing boo boo's and teaching him and bringing him into our family he just seems like ours and like we have known him forever. I love this little guy to death and couldn't imagine giving him back especially now knowing the situation. I commend those who can. I am sure it is hard. For those of you that don't know I offered to foster children to adopt. Meaning I put down that if rights are going for termination or are terminated that I want to adopt and foster to adopt as to not have to give kids back because I get to attached. I think my other problem is I see all these kids out there that I want to bring in my home but husband told me I love kids to much and have a big place in my heart for them. I think it is just like animals I get emotional for kids and animals because they have no say. You have to be the person that helps and saves them. I get said when St. Jude comes on or the neglected animals. I don't cry much but when those come on I am a mess. I feel like how could anyone do that to them. You just want to scoop them up and help them and keep them safe forever. At least that is how I feel. I have been looking on different places to look for a child to adopt that would hopefully be around my little guys age but my husband keeps shooting me down every child I show him. He always say about how much work our little guy is but he also says how our little guy always wants to be played with 24 hours a day which can be draining sometimes. I have so much fun but sometimes you are trying to get stuff done like laundry and dishes and all the other chores and he is looking at you asking if you will play and you feel horrible saying no because I have been waiting for this forever but I just need a few minutes and I told my husband he doesn't have anyone but us. He doesn't play with kids and that is why he needs to learn to play with kids and that hopefully another child will come in our lives and he will have a brother or sister if all goes well. I know don't rush anything but I have been thinking about this since Christmas when he said it would be nice to play with some kids with my toys. I felt like that was his way of asking. I just have a huge heart for kids and we always wanted more then one so they would always have each other and do the same things Tim and I remember doing with our siblings. I am just so grateful to have this little guy. He puts such a smile on our face and lights up our days. Of course we have are days or moments that are not the best but what is perfect. No child or even I gave birth to a child would it be like that. I am just happy that we meet him and hope he becomes our and we can share a bunch of pics that we haven't been able to show you yet of him. :)

Court

Well no final decision was made today as I was told it would. The judge didn't show and the referee was there which mean he make recommendations and gives it to the judge to sign off on and said we should know in a week or 2. I have the social worker coming tomorrow so I should know more then of what she thinks. I can't go in to detail of course but the case was very strong for the mom and not so strong for the dad. They didn't do a good job on the dad. There was so many things they didn't do. I told my husband I am tempted to write the judge a letter telling him the things that child tells us and knows. I don't know if that can hurt us or if it is allowed. Can anyone tell me that. My husband wants me to ask the social worker but she hasn't done anything for us thus far. She doesn't tell us anything about our little guy or his back round. I told her about a reliable source that she should talk to so that person can go on the defence and she didn't do anything with it even though it would help. The made it as if parents are great and did everything for this little boy when it is not so. I know you shouldn't think negative but I am giving you my gut right now is telling me that rights will be term on mom but visitation will be for the dad. I don't want any of this. I just want to adopt a child and we love him more then any ting. BY THE WAY the positive is we were granted the right to go on vacation with him. But can anyone tell me what would happen if they know if I sent the judge a letter?
ahhh I am just so frustrated. My social worker didn't even come back for the 2nd part of the court. What the heck. Everyone around me is either pregnant or are matched or adopting and here I feel like we might loose what means more then the world to us. I pray to god that he is on our side on this because I know what he will be like if he goes back to them. He will follow in there foot steps and probably be in trouble with the law. ahhh. I can't bare it. Any way I will let you know more when I can. I just needed to vent. Thanks for letting me vent just got home an hour or hour and a half ago and things are still fresh. Thanks

Yeah

So a little scare today. I went in for the ultrasound on the thyroid and the tech after scanning my neck for 25 minutes then called another lady in to re scan my neck like she was concerned. Now I am freaking out a bit and trying to keep calm. Then the other lady walked out and she asked if I was okay and I told her I know you can't tell me but is there something seriously wrong with me. She said why do you ask and I explained how the doctor talked to me about treatment and then how she scanned my neck for 25 minutes left the room got someone else and was asking all these questions and pointing. And she said "I am so sorry, I didn't realize I shouldn't have done that I am a student and I thought I saw something but this is my 2nd thyroid ultrasound and I am not suppose to tell you this but it doesn't look like there is any nodule" and then she went on to say that she felt bad that happened and that to check on my test results once they are read because she is not the professional but from what she learned and the teacher said didn't see anything. Yeah hipp hip horray.
I also wanted to say I am sorry if I offend anyone with my stories of what I am afraid of or what not. I understand that there are people out there that have had far worse life then I but this is my blog and I just put how I am feeling at the time. It doesn't mean that is the way I feel the next day or on for weeks but I hate needles and scared to death of surgery and invetro was a test enough for me. There are people who are far stronger then me I am by far not perfect but I use this blog to open up and tell my felling or what I may be scared of or just for help. It helps me do that because I don't talk to everyone about my feeling I usually bottle them up and I may say it to my husband in passing but I never want him to know how worried I truly am is why I may give you all more then even my family get to hear. My family in Michigan is my husbands family and my husband and little guy. My friends are mostly my husband friends from when he grew up's wives and my mom could care less about how I am because she is doing her own thing and right now thinks she is a teenager. So as you can see there are not many options for me. This I am not writing for any amount of guilt or for anyone to feel bad I am not like that. That is why I bottle my emotions from people in life other then my husband because I hate the guilt trick or when people are about poor me. But when I am scared about something and this thyroid thing might be Minuit to others it was really scary for me because I am scared of needles and surgery and the first thing that pops in my mind is my dad died at the young age of 48 what if I get cancer. That is truly my biggest fear because I watched him deteriorate right in front of my eyes and I don't want my family to have to watch that. It was painful and I still carry that around so when I found out about the thyroid that was all I can think my worse fear come to life and I finally got my dream to have a little boy that I have waited for so long and I don't want this to happen to the family we tried so hard to build. I am sorry if I offend anyone or anything but I vent and pour my emotions on how I am feeling on this blog.
On a totally separate note. Does anyone know how to put 5 year old that if difficult every night to bed. We have tried to ignore, we have taken things away. I have had numerous talks with him. I don't know what else to do. He can stay up with the best of them and when he sleeps he sleeps hard it is just getting him to bed every night. We make deals of what we will do before we got to bed and it is fine with him until we leave. If we try to sleep with him he doesn't stop talking no mater how much you tell him to be quiet or if you pretend to sleep he tries to wake you. I am out of ideas and I hate bedtime it is the worst time we read stories to wind down nothing seems to work. PLEASE HELP!!!! Thank

Thanks for all the support

I appreciate all the support and well wishes. I don't think I explained once we find out about the parental rights being terminated what happens. Well my understanding from what I am told we start going through the placement process after rights are termed. Meaning that there is a 6 month placement. Yes after we already had him it is and additional 6 month placement because the court considers us having him now as DHS (Department of Human Services) having him right now because they have guardianship of him right now so they consider this period of time as if he was with DHS. Yes they acknowledge how long we had him and all but on your foster license it states who is responsible which are's says DHS. All states are different we live in Michigan and I hear this is the hardest state to adopt children they are some much more strict and give way to many chances. My little guy right now has been in care his whole life and we are now dealing with a lot of issues with him. He is getting aggressive and not listening and lying about some of the worst stuff. He actually today told my husband Tim that he choked him. I was in the same room and I told him to look me in the eye and tell me the truth and he looked me right in the eye and smirked and nodded his head yes. I explained to him that was very serious and you should never tell lies. He then tonight as I put him to bed I warned him not to get out of bed and he threw himself on the ground right in front of me so I picked him up and put him in his bed and told him that he wasn't playing with the toys in the other room tomorrow after he then told he I hit him and then started to cry. The minute my husband walked in the room he started baling that I hit him and then my husband said oh look you must have lost this and looked down on the floor to see what he would do and he dried those tears right up and leaned toward the edge of the bed and said what is it. Just to show you he was trying to play us. I told him how did I hit him and then he said I pinched him the story changed. I just was telling my husband he is trying to get us in trouble. We have been waiting for a child for 4 1/2 year and we originally wanted an infant and then I saw how many kids needed a home and I decided that was going to be the way we were going to go. Don't get me wrong I am grateful that we have him but MANN does he just push to the limit were we just want to enjoy a child and he makes it difficult when he gets in trouble all the time and is now starting to talk back badly. This all started on Christmas and it just hasn't stopped for a minute and it gets tiresome some days. I even ask him can we please just have a good day today. I just can't wait till Jan 13 comes because then we are one step closer to adopting him. Then it would be final in 6 months.
I also got a little nerved up today. I have a hypothyroid and I went into the doctor like any other time to get my refill on prescription and she tells me I have a module on my thyroid that she wants me to go in to a ultrasound. then she goes on to explain how there is an increase risk in your late 20's early 30 for thyroid cancer and starts giving me statistics. She scared the living daylights out of me she just kept talking about the chance of cancer and that I would have to then have a biopsy if it is a certain size then either surgery or radiation on my thyroid and then I asked what if it is under the size she says then you have to come back in 6 months to have another ultrasound. It is like she just wants to keep with this and scare me half to death. I had my dad dye of cancer at 48 the last thing I need her to preach about is cancer. I just came home and started crying and called my husband. So only you, the doctor and my husband and I know about this and I am not telling anyone until I get the results back. I got for the ultrasound this Thursday and I see her back on the 25. I know I don't need all this right now. I am only 28 and feel the stress which I know is not good for anyone. I am trying to just put it in the back of my head right now just another thing. Crazy I tell you.

Going to Disney Hopefully

We are all excited to go to Disney. We are leaving on January 28 and returning Feb 6. It should be fun but the social worker said she didn't think it would be a problem and now she said the judge has to okay this but I am not sure what he will say since the court date to terminate is January 13. That stinks because we already paid for the plane tickets because she made it sound like it was not going to be an issue and to just book it then let her know the dates. I hope they say yes. I can't go into to much detail as I would like as privacy but they say the mom will be termed no problem (they say) and dad is the only one that has a chance but that they think they have a strong case against him and DHS is actually on my side which is kind of different because they are usually on the birth parents side but she told me personally she is praying the judge keeps him with us which is exciting. But she said worse case scenario if father doesn't get termed on that doesn't mean my little guy will just go straight back to him as they will probably tell bio dad to follow certain things before he even would get visitation. So that is why we booked because we figured he would be with us regardless of the outcome. My little guys tells us the court told him he is staying with us and he keeps saying he doesn't want to go back to his bio dads. Which would crush me if it turned up that way but this is all worse case scenario.
Tim and I go to Florida usually ever January or February at least once a year. I visit my mom and brother who I only see once a year when we go out there and they have yet to see my little guy. I know but for those of you that have been following my blog for a while I told you my mom is selfish and only thinks of one person herself. No she didn't feel the need to meet this little guy that I have been waiting for, for 4 and a half years of trying to have a baby and finally I have this great little boy. She only sees pic's of him. That gets my husband made he says he always misses my dad and wished I had more of a family like him. Which then in turn I get stuck in the middle. When we leave hopefully for Florida my mother in law wants to be selfish and she said that to me and told me that she watches my little guy and that she sees him all the time and my mom didn't even make an effort so she wants to take him to Magic Kingdom and my mom says she does. I asked my mother in law if we can all go but she said that it would be awkward with my mom and he boyfriend and how my little guy loves my in laws but never knew my family and so he would always ask to do stuff with them and not my family and all that my mothering law said. See now I am in the middle and I just want to be happy and have a good time. I tried to get my mom just to take us to Bush Gardens which she said yes but I think she wants to also go to Disney so I told my husband worse case scenario we go to Disney for two days. My husband was not happy with that because he feels my mom hasn't made any effort or hasn't done anything for us but I just tell him okay my mom sucks and doesn't know how to be a mom and I know that and I have know that since I was 12 my dad is who raised me to be me and my brother doesn't care either but they are still my mom and brother and my relationship with them is fragile and if I say what I feel about them I don't think any of us will ever talk again and then I am left with no family. But of course Tim says but we are a family and his parents are more my family then she has been. Which is true they took me in when I moved from NY when I was 19 and lived with them for 2 years before Tim and I got our own place and then married but like I try to explain to him my dad always wanted us to stay together and I guess I do it for my dad and so that my little guy can at least know who my family is better or worse. I am torn. I know this sounds horrible but I would be fine with not having to talk to my mom and brother again but my conscious would bother me. I would think about what would my dad think. I remember my dad telling me and I had to be like 16 he was sorry he choose my mom to mother me. He wish he had chosen better for me. He would say I always imagined that your mom would have been loving and caring and wanting to be there for you and he said that he just wanted to tell me that he was sorry. My mom and brother of course never knew that was said. That was something I always kept in side. Through my life my mom and I had a lot of ups and downs more downs then ups unfortunately. I am nervous to see them because they will talk about how my hair will look they usually don't like it, or my weight. They have said oh you should do this new work out it will help tone your but or get abs in my stomach. They last time didn't like the way I tweeze my eye brows and that I should do something with my hair I was told and they showed me some magi zines. I felt I needed to share that in order for you to understand why mom husband and mother in law feel the way they feel about me mom. I understand it but what do I do is how I feel. If I tell my mom no to Disney then she will be hurt and tell me that I always see his parents and why don't I want to spend more time with my own family since I don't see then which I feel isn't my fault if she doesn't come here and she hasn't come in almost 3 years. It is crazy. Oh well sorry I went on a vent but the bottom line is I am nervous to see my mom, nervous but Jan 13 court and pray to god I can keep my little guy and we can go to Florida and do something that will make us happy as a family and put the 13 behind us. Yeah to Disney :)