Friday, October 16, 2009

having a great time in cloud 9

I am so shocked how well we all fit together. He is perfect in our family as if he has been there for years. He makes me so proud. On October 22 the court day is for some preliminary hearing to start the process of termination. He social worker is coming to visit him on the 26 so hopefully I will find out more then. Please pray for me that this little guy gets to stay with us. We love him so much and he has also told us that he loves us as well. I truly think the rights will be termed on the parents just off what I hear from him but I am worried about a family member coming out of the wood work some where. I pray this all goes well but I know I have a long process ahead. He is awesome and excellent and everyone he meets they all say he touches there heart. He is just so sweet and out going and cares so much about everyone which I think at his young age is very rare. We really got lucky with him. My friend Kim (who also adopted 3 years ago) said you will know he if he is right for your family when you meet him. She was right the first day I knew he was family. Thank you all so much for the support. Sorry it has been hard to be on here these days so busy running around and in a little I have to leave to pick the little one up from school. :)
So so so so HAPPY!!!!

Monday, October 12, 2009

loving this

Sorry I don't have much time but my mother in law is watching him right now. She asked for me to bring him over to play with another family member child that is about his age. I am having such a great time. I just got back from grocery shopping and have to go to pick him up in 10 minutes we are bring pizza to our family's house were we will meet back with him. Here are some picks that I can show you that don't show his face or anything that can tie him to any child. I also have a pic of his adorable Halloween costume he picked out. I also wanted to thank everyone for the support and words of wisdom. This is my first time and it isn't like we had him from birth and molded him. So it is sometimes hard to know how to answer there questions. I used your advise and he is doing well. Of course he has his moments as to be expected but for the most part he is taking everything and stride and unfortunately a bit spoiled now. whoops.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Need Help

Okay his is 4 years old and cut as can be. Let's name him a fake name and name him Austin for a fake name. His is a sweet child and really friendly. He is not legally adoptable yet but they are going to get right termed. The social worker said he has been in the system to many times that they don't see why the judge wouldn't terminate rights which sounds promising. I asked what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said a bat. Well that is going to be an interesting costume but I am sure I will find one. I do need help though. He obviously doesn't understand what is going on and he misses his mom dearly. Had to have asked about her at least 15-20 times which is understandable but what do I say back to him. How do I transition him into our home. I just told him for now when he asks when he is seeing mom, I told him that we are his mother's friends so that he doesn't see us as the bad people who took him away from his parents and I tell him that his mom asked us to watch him for a little while. Then the next question is when am I going to see her. I tell him not tonight because you are sleeping at our house but that we are going to have a bunch of fun. When he broke down the first time we ran to the store and we bought him a bunch of clothes and some toys to brighten his smile and lift his spirits. I feel so bad for this little guy he just doesn't understand. He misses his mom so much and I just don't know what else to say or how much longer I can keep saying the same thing before he thinks we are lying since he will probably never see his mom. I just need advice what to say and how long or how to transition him into this home. We are truly trying our hardest to make him feel as comfortable as possible. I was thinking maybe next weekend when he gets more comfortable we can tell him this is your room lets go decorate it with toys chest and a bunch of stuff so that he starts to feel like this is his home. I know I got a lot in front of me. I am going to enroll him in school tomorrow as DHS has told me he needs to be in school within 5 school days. I need to get him a physical with in 30 days per DHS which should be fun (sarcastic). Well I got to go off to bed . I am sure he will be waking up early and just wanted to ask for some advice on what you think or how to go about this. Thanks everyone for the support.

Craziness, happiness

Well very funny story today. After I posted that blog below today about being positive and moving in a better direction I had got a call about a possibly adoption of a 4y/o boy, healthy. That is all I can say because I can say specifics but that I asked when we would need to start fostering and they said today. She practically wanted an answer right on the spot. I told her I had to call my husband first. We said yes and he should be here between 2-4. The social worker will be bringing him here. We were also told that we would probably need to go to the store to buy clothes as she may not be able to get much. So like I said I can't get into specifics since it is a law not to reveal the identity of the child but I don't think I have given anything away about who he is or the parents. I am new at this of course so I of course and scared to brake any rule or law as not to loose my fostering license. I am so excited and nervous of course since we never meet him but so excited to meet him. My in laws are having us over tonight, I mean it was planned in advance but now that they know they are supper excited as well. I am sorry but I obviously can't post any pic's until he would hopefully become legally ours but I will share anything I can even if the picture doesn't reveal his face I will try to share as i am appreciative for everyone's support and getting me through all this craziness and wild roller coaster of emotions and things. He will be here in just an hour or two and I have so many butterflies and I am just so excited right now I don't know how to explain it. I can't believe that in 20-30 minutes after that post I got a call. It is eire to think that I posted about being positive it can all happen the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know don't get my hopes up but I have to open my heart to this child, especially that he has been through that I can't hold back. I feel I either have to be all the way in or not at all. Well I decided to be all the way in so all I can think is this is going to be positive and it will be a happy situation, I can't think of the bad or the bad can happen. Wish me luck and thank you all for the support, I will keep you posted.

Sorry about last post

Just want to say sorry for last posting. I was upset and frustrated. I started venting. I feel like this emotional roller coaster is really getting to me. This week end I had class went out with friends and tried not to think about the hectic and crazy stuff that has gone on around me. Thank you for letting me vent. I do TRULY feel better. I feel more positive today. I am trying to keep my life back on coarse. When you go through those emotions of happiness, to loss, to frustration, to no communication, it starts to really ware on you and your body. I told Tim this weekend that I sometimes don't even recognize myself anymore. I just want a family so bad that it is consuming my life and I can't let it. That is why today is a new day and I have to keep smiling and just praying that those children I had in my home are fine and happy as well and as long as they are safe and happy I am to. This is my only way I know how to change stuff around. I think with the holiday's coming and all the pressure and sense of depression started to leak into my life. Like when I wrote that post, I just got done crying to Tim that we won't be able to go trick or treating this year with some kids, and how thanksgiving is going to be boring without kids and Christmas is going to be sad. Instead I need to keep on track and say no, there is still a chance that it can still happen ad if it doesn't this year then defiantly next year. I am trying to turn it all around. I want to be happy and feel good for me, my family and my health. Thank you all again for understanding. :)

Friday, October 2, 2009

Still chugging along

Well I am still chugging along, or at least I am trying too. This facility doesn't make it any easier. So we have been trying to keep positive with positive notes and wish full thinking to our selves. I have notes in the house to say that we will have a child or children by Thanksgiving. I know what you are thinking high expectations but you need something to try to look forward to. Not only that but in August I had put that by labor day we would have a child and that next day we had an e-mail about those possible 2 boys that then the foster mom decided to keep them but we had a chance or and opportunity at least. Then as that fell through those 2 kids landed in our lap. Even though it was only 48 hours of watching them, it gave me a taste of motherhood. Even though I was tired, and doing all this stuff to make sure they were happy. Even though I wore sweat pant and sweat shirt because because I was getting dirty between running after them and spit up and was pee ed on it was all worth it to be a mom. Now I crave for it even more then before. I figure if I set a goal and I believe it in my mind and feel it in my heart that will come true. What else does anyone have to go on but faith and hope, because at the end of the day that is all we ever have. That is kind of where I am at, at this time.
Well getting to the frustrating week, I e-mailed my social worker at DHS because I had got a letter from her last weekend about my Pride training classes that need to be done. Well I have a license because Catholic Social services gave me there training but it wasn't PRIDE so DHS said they will take my licences and that they would keep it open but that I had to have these classes. Well the classes are in November on Saturday's and I have classes on those days to get my certification and license to be a AAPC coder. Which in fancy terms mean I am certified and if certified you make more money and in some instances can work from home with the right job which would be great when we adopt so I am trying to look at the big picture. Anyway I can't do those classes in November and they said I need them completed by January now (didn't tell me that before) or I will not have a license for foster care to get to adoption with them, which means they can drop me. So now in my stricken panic I have called all these DHS agencies in all the county's in 60 mile radius and pretty much no luck. With holiday's coming and all they have told me that limits my chances and that my agency said they only do training once every 3 months so 4 times a year and only on set dates if you can't make it, it is pretty much oh well. Well I start classes tomorrow and I have all this landing on me. The best part is I called the agency director and told him that I could not attend the classes that month and he told me that the wait would just be longer for me because in order to have a child placed or fostered that I had to have this training and that is the reason no social worker would call me back. I explained to him that all already had another home study done and it was done by them and he was shocked and said that is not the way it worked. I also told him I did respite care for 2 children for 2 days and he said that was impossible. He told me that "you just have to do the training and soon or you are just not going to have any chance here. Like I explained to him that I want to do it and I would love to if they gave more opportunities to. So of course after talking to him while I was at work today I went home crying to Tim that this is never going to happen. I know This is where the notes of positivity came in. I also had an e-mail back from my social worker at DHS that said they have a possibility for a bi-racial child that was born very small and born early and wanted to know if we were interest. We had called her back that was on Monday and it is now Friday and have yet to hear back (frustrating). I don't get this mess at all with DHS and starting to question if going there was the right thing to do. I am also wondering if we should have just done international adoption and then it wouldn't be as difficult. Of course that wouldn't be the easiest thing but I bet we would have a child by now. I just feel defeated with no support from that agency at all. All this was never explained to us and we never get any contact with them. When we had the home study in August to do over again with a new agency they never explained anything and I asked repeatedly if they could send me info and let me know about this training as soon as possible and now look were I stand. My other social worker at CSM which is Catholic Services said there are no birth moms at this time and have only done 1 adoption this year. That is it and now the list is up to 19 couples so my chances there are limited. I thought by opening up our search it would help us find a child. I will be honest with all of you this is what we have put in our profile for what we wanted for a child. I know this is uncharted territory and nobody wants to hurt feelings or alienate people but this is what we can handle and it gives you an idea of our profile. We said we would take up to 2 children at a time and any gender that doesn't matter either way and age ranging from 0-6 years old and anything from 6-10 would have to depend on the situation. We said we would take Caucasian, bi-racial, Asian, Hispanic, Muslim, native American (if able to be adopted), and a couple of different ethnicity's that I can't think of off the top of my head but they were options on the paper we filled out. We said we would take children with mild special need. This is not to hurt any feelings or that I have anything against special need and I think people who adopt and take care of special needs children are really special people, but I work full time and have to with no choice because I carry the insurance. I feel kids in general need 24 hour care but a special needs child needs much more care that I will not always be around for. Therefore, we said mild spacial needs like learning disability's, cleft palate, club foot, speech problems, a bunch of little things that classify to DHS or any agency that this is a special needs child. We said it would be hard for us if child was medically fragile, or was wheelchair bound, or had spinal bifida, things that are sever special needs I don't think is for us or is something that we can handle on our own. I am sorry if this offends anyone but that was not my intention. I just wanted to show home open we tried to be. When we were with our first agency we said only any gender, but has to be an infant and only Caucasian and healthy. We were very close minded about other opportunities and this is not to say that if anyone wants those things that it is wrong but what I have come to learn is not child is perfect. Even if I was able to give birth to my own child they would not be perfect but at the same time I also want to keep some sort of boundaries and realistic goals that I know my husband and I can handle. It is very hard to say to an opportunity to have a child that is not what we know we can handle just to have a child. I know we have to be realistic and we have to meet in the middle. Tim and I don't always agree with what we want but we tried to meet in the middle. I am from NY ordinally for 19 year so having a child that is African American is not a problem for me I will love them what ever color they are but my husband on the other hand is very old fashion. He gets his old fashion ways from his family that lived in Kentucky for a while and that where we live we live were there is no African Americana's in our area or at the school, which my husband has a point that they will already know they are adopted and then if they go to a school that is all Caucasian that they will feel out of place or alienated. Which I think I can see that point. If we lived in a more rural place it shouldn't matter but we don't which is unfortunate because there are so many African American kids that do need to be adopted :(. So my husband and I agreed to meet in the middle on our decisions. If he makes a valid point then I will agree with it. Although I have in my favorites a blog that is called "dreams really do come true" that if you are interested check her blog out her baby is the cutest little thing I have ever saw and his smile is even cuter :). Well this gives you all an idea of what we are about and a little bit of ourselves. Man, I am getting really personal and letting you all right into my front door and right into our bedroom. I just let my whole heart and honesty on the line. I am sometimes scared to do that as it can bit you in the butt. I hope none are offended and understand my choices and decisions and hope that you will still continue to follow my journey through this crazy thing they call adoption and the roller coaster of emotions it takes you on. I swear sometimes I don't even know myself anymore now that we have been going through this adoption for over a year. Well I keep hope and faith in my heart and pray that my dreams will come true and that I will have a child. Also I was just thinking, my husband and I about brainstorming on adoption agencies that people have gone through or heard about that are the best. That get back to you and wants to answer your questions and that maybe you don't have to feel like you are waiting forever. Thank you all again for letting me let everything in my mind and body out. This feels almost like a diary only sometimes people blog back to you so you get answers or suggestions which is kind of better then a diary :) .