Monday, October 5, 2009

Need Help

Okay his is 4 years old and cut as can be. Let's name him a fake name and name him Austin for a fake name. His is a sweet child and really friendly. He is not legally adoptable yet but they are going to get right termed. The social worker said he has been in the system to many times that they don't see why the judge wouldn't terminate rights which sounds promising. I asked what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said a bat. Well that is going to be an interesting costume but I am sure I will find one. I do need help though. He obviously doesn't understand what is going on and he misses his mom dearly. Had to have asked about her at least 15-20 times which is understandable but what do I say back to him. How do I transition him into our home. I just told him for now when he asks when he is seeing mom, I told him that we are his mother's friends so that he doesn't see us as the bad people who took him away from his parents and I tell him that his mom asked us to watch him for a little while. Then the next question is when am I going to see her. I tell him not tonight because you are sleeping at our house but that we are going to have a bunch of fun. When he broke down the first time we ran to the store and we bought him a bunch of clothes and some toys to brighten his smile and lift his spirits. I feel so bad for this little guy he just doesn't understand. He misses his mom so much and I just don't know what else to say or how much longer I can keep saying the same thing before he thinks we are lying since he will probably never see his mom. I just need advice what to say and how long or how to transition him into this home. We are truly trying our hardest to make him feel as comfortable as possible. I was thinking maybe next weekend when he gets more comfortable we can tell him this is your room lets go decorate it with toys chest and a bunch of stuff so that he starts to feel like this is his home. I know I got a lot in front of me. I am going to enroll him in school tomorrow as DHS has told me he needs to be in school within 5 school days. I need to get him a physical with in 30 days per DHS which should be fun (sarcastic). Well I got to go off to bed . I am sure he will be waking up early and just wanted to ask for some advice on what you think or how to go about this. Thanks everyone for the support.


  1. I am a former foster is so hard to discuss such grown up situations with a child. One of my friends from a foster parent support group told me one time to be honest from the start. This is so hard when they start asking such hard questions. I know it is hard to know exactly what to say. I once had a 4 yo girl placed with me. She was living with relatives at the time. So she was asking where they were and that she was waiting up for them. I just told her that they did not know where we lived so they were not coming tonight for her and that she needed a safe place to stay until things got settled at her home. I would just acknowledge her feelings of sadness and be sensitive to her.
    A year later I had a social worker tell me that if you ever had a child old enough to understand things...that before the caseworker that places the child with you leaves ask them to explain to the child mommy/daddy are having some grown up problems and you need a place to stay and stay safe. We will let you know when you will see them again as soon as we know. (or we will let you know if anything changes) This way it is coming from someone else and it might help the child not to think that you are the bad guy (like you took them from their family) Since the child has already been placed with you...maybe the next visit from the caseworker they can explain it to him.
    But before you get your case worker to explain this you need to kind of redirect your story about you bieng his moms friend. My opinion of how to change your story about you being moms friend and you keeping him for her. Maybe you could draw a photo...and explain his old house...nice people who helped him out (caseworker)..then he is now in your house...maybe kind of change your story that you did not know his mom personally to become her friend but that you heard that she needed help from the caseworker (his or her name)..she needed help with providing you a safe and loving home and that you and your husband want to help you out and your mom out.ask child: After all don't friends help each other out when needed. This is just my opinion...I believe the truth needs to come out sooner that later. And can be done so lightly...
    As far as what you are dealing the possibility of no visits. I would ask the social worker for ideas. It is so hard on little ones...they suffer so much loss.
    I have adopted four siblings this year. As far as their case. I have always talked positive about their mom...she loves you, she could not provide a safe home with food, water, and keep you safe. I also have told them that the next best thing was to find a home where they all 4 could stay together and that this was God's plan for their life. and it is okay to miss their bio mom. I always tell them that we wanted them and love them. And over time the stories and questions have slowed down. My kids adjusted pretty well. Good luck.

  2. I wouldn't beat around the bush about it.
    Tomorrow, I would sit him down and tell him that you guys are taking care of him because his mommy can't right now. You are going to take care of him and make sure he has everything he needs.

    Start doing things together and making a routine and it will all be ok. He'll ask questions and you will answer them the best you can and help him deal with things.

  3. I've been offline since Thursday, clearly I missed something! Sounds like some excitement at your house. I'm so happy for you. Now I need to read the last few posts so I can catch up.

  4. I really think these ladies have given you some great advice!

    Does your caseworker know of any place that you can take him to help him work out his feelings? In Alabama, we have free services through APAC and they will help with the transitions of adoptions.

    Too bad that he has to go to school at the age of 4. Is it just half a day or a whole day? So many chances for him. Praying for you guys. I am so excited for yall.

  5. see..I neglect blogs for a few days and I missed this whole deal!!!Hey you need to be upfront about things right away, get the hard part done so he can start transistioning quicker! Let him know his mommy made some bad choices and she is getting the help she needs. Did he come with a life book? Does he have any pics of his birth mom?