Want to be in a good place

I want to be in a good place but I don't know how to get there right now. You know if you have adopted or are in the adoption waiting like myself it is a roller coaster. Well right now I am riding down the roller coaster when I want to be riding up. I am just hurting right now. I think about those kids all the time. Angry that the grandparents didn't take them back if they are supose to going back to birth mom on Monday unless they know that this may fall through again. I guess I am feeling bad about not taking them back. I feel bad that now they had to be put in 4 different home in the matter of a month. It is sad. I guess I am also angry with the system. I know I am not a social worker and I don't know how it is and I am not blaming it on them because a big part of it is the law and our system they are told to follow. I guess what make me sad is that there are people who get pregnant and kill the babies, or are on drugs and don't get help and have 5,6 or 7 kids, or they abuse the kids and take them for granted and they are not questioned or interrogated half as much and people like Tim and I who are good citizens who make a respectable living, who have never done anything bad, who are clean as a whistle besides these thoughts I am pouring out probable from heart ache and pain and we try to do good things for people and donate our time that we don't expect anything in return because we did these things for people out the kindness of our hearts and we get questioned and finger printed and pay crazy amounts of money to adopt a child but the people who actually had kids don't get questioned at all except if someone calls up on them for neglect, abuse or what ever else and how many other kids are going through it but no one stood up and was a voice for these kids and the mom and dad should have every opportunity to get there kids back if they try to clean up there act but what about these people that get chance after chance. I think back now and said I would pro able do things differently. I would have adopted over seas. I always use to say why adopt in other countries when we have kids here to adopt but now being through all this I understand why they adopt in other countries, It is so much easier then here. You go through touchier here. I know there are some good stories like the blog heart cries and some others that are on my favorites, here as well but I have heard a lot more bad then good with domestic adoption vs international. I am just sad and down today please don't take offence anyone. I hope I am not bringing anyone down with me because that is not my intent but as I said in my last blog I use this and a place to vent since I don't want to share this with everyone in my life and bring them down, I put on a happy face and that is not like me at all because I hate being 2 faced but I just don't want to be the downer or bring people down with me in my life. It just hurts and I am just hurting right now and I feel like I am just licking my wounds right now and trying to stand back up for the strong fight I have to put on to get through some more days of this long wait ahead. Thanks for letting me vent.

Share some pictures

We went up north this weekend with friends and I captured some of the most beautiful pictures.

In the morning it was freezing. It was in 30 in the morning but by afternoon was 70's and gorgeous. I just thought you would all enjoy these pictures.We actually got a call this today. Those 2 kids I watched they said grandparents didn't want to take of them and they need a place to be watched for 2 weeks until going back to mom. Luckily they called Tim and not myself. Tim told them that we spoke to them and said unless they are able to be adopted that we didn't want to get attached. It broke my heart. I know Tim did the right thing because he used his mind instead of his heart. I would have answered with emotions and said yes when it wouldn't have been best for us or the kids. I just feel so bad because the kids have been moved from one grandparents house, to our house to another grandparents house and now are going some where else which is way to many homes. Tim did ask why it was the grandparents couldn't watch them for another 2 weeks and they said because they can't keep an eye on both of them. Tim thinks the 3 year old boy was acting up. He is just on the wilder side. He likes to move. He loves being outside and playing and I loved to play with him so I guess I am young enough to keep up with him. I just think he is understood. If he keeps moving how can he have respect for any adults when he is not in a stable environment. It is just said and breaks my heart and makes me feel like foster care is defiantly not for us unless we could adopt. This was hard and I still think of the all the time. I also work though so it is hard to be there for just 2 weeks. If I was adopting these kids or fostering them to adopt them I would defiantly take the time off to be with them for a few weeks but not if they are not going to be ours. Well I struggled with sharing any pic's of the kids. I did find a picture with out there faces so I figures I can post it. Sorry for those who don't know but I can give up personal info that can link who these children are. I have heard I can post a picture of them as long as you can't see there picture so here are the 2 cutes. I wish I could so you a better one but it would be with there face. A friend at work knew a neighbor that adopted through another fost adopt agency and said there were a ton of infants that rights were terminated and so they gave me the info and I figured I would call and see what it was all about. I will give more info when I know.

Hard times

So I have been thinking about these kids all week. I have cried about them all weekend and sad now. I can't stop thinking about them and how they are doing and how it will be when they go back to birth mom. Well I thought about it all weekend and Tim ended up called there social worker after they sent us an e-mail on Monday saying the children may not be able to stay at grandparents would we be willing to take them back. I asked Tim to call to find out what the situation was from there social worker because we have never talked to her and she would know the most about the children and we wanted to see if there were any chance for these kids to be adopted before we said yes to watching them again. WELLLLLL this story that we heard from the other social workers when they asked us to first get them is so different from the story there social worker told me. The children's grandparents said these children have been living with them a year and the social worker that called me that day said the same, there social worker said they only had the kids for 8 weeks. Then the other social worker told me that we would be watching them 2 week, 6-8 weeks or permanent if this continues. There social worker said their kids are suppose to go back to the mother in 3 1/2 weeks if all goes as planned which she said she anticipated. The other social worker said these kids could possible be adopted and the grandparents wanted a break and see how the 2 weeks go and if all went well they may not want them back it sounded like to them. There social worker said no way not unless something drastic changes. I don't mean to be blunt but what the hell. That place I feel like needed a place to put the children and since there social worker was not there that day they just wanted the kids off there plate so they said this couple wants to adopt and if we tell them they have a chance maybe they will take the kids. They always say it is miscommunication. This happened with the 2 boys they told me was a possibility. She said to me the foster mom wants to adopt only one of the kids and not the other and they said no and then she sends me an e-mail back the same day as these kids come in the picture to say sorry there was a miscommunication between the social workers and the foster mom wanted both boys the whole time. Come on. Don't they understand what they are doing to people like me who are dying to have a family and a child. I am sorry I am just very upset with the system. Everyone keeps telling us to do foster that is the only way to adopt and I don't think it is nor do I think I am the type of person to Indore that. I want to love the kids and treat them as my own. Maybe when I have a family some day I would love to foster a child because I have my end result a family and then I feel like I can help kids and be attached but understand they are not my kids they are someone else's and I have my own. But right now all I can dream about is a family. I only had those kids for 48 hours and look how attached I got. I can't see how people can't get attached after all the stuff you do for them you are like there mom. I am really starting to loose my way I have to admit. I didn't even admit this to my husband. I was always a girl with a good head on my shoulder and had goals, ambition and always wanted to treat everyday as if it my last. Somewhere along the way I have lost that person and don't know how I will ever find her or if I will ever find her. I always like to be organized and in control. Not in control like I have to have power but in control like if I ever drink anything even when I was younger I never got drunk, I always knew my limits and didn't want to do anything stupid and would never think of drinking in front of my friends because I would want them to respect me and not think or see me in a different light. I never cried in front of people wither except my husband. I always tried to stay strong especially when my dad had the cancer I was always told by him that I was the strong one in the family and I had to keep things together and if he saw me cry I would need to leave the room. So my mom has only seen me cry I don't know I could probably count on one hand (not often). I am a go getter and always wanted to do bigger and better. Just an example I worked for a Chiropractic office like5 years ago and was never fired from a job until that job. I was only fired because we were getting audited by bcbs for the codes. He was scared he would have fraudulent charges and I didn't know billing at all to help him so he fired me and told me I can use him as a reference and tell the job anything I wanted. Well I was upset and begged him to give me a chance to figure out billing and he refused and I told him he will regret his decision. Well I went to school to be a biller to show him. I got the job at St. John billing and sent him a letter after telling him thank you for firing me it was the best decision for bother of us and thanks for a reference I wouldn't be where I was if her didn't fire me. I am now going to some classes for 2 months in October to get my license for coding so I can make more money. I am that type of person never settle for second best. So now that you have an idea who I am you can see why I feel like my world is flying out of control and I can't get a hold on it. My dad passed which was devastating and still is, my issue with infertility between gaining weight from invetro and it not working, to my mom and how she is and how are relationship is (some times I feel like I am talking to a teenager with her) and this being jerked around with the adoption the last 5 years I have not been my self. Every year I feel like I have lost a piece of me. Right now I feel like the bottom of the barrel and it seems every time I get knocked down I get up again and then back on down. I need to get out of this hole I have been in and I just don't know anymore. Now for those of you that jump to conclusions fast please don't I am nit saying I am at the bottom and going to do something stupid because if you read before I am not that type of person but at the bottom because I just can't get a hold on my life at all. I am starting (and I am sorry if this offends anyone) to question god and if there is one. I can't see how for 5 year crap just keeps being dumped on me while I watch others skate by. Now I promise you I don't want a pity party. I am just trying to express my frustration and why I feel like I can't get any control. I can't see how god can take me dad. Everything happens for a reason as I am told and have tried to hold onto but I still after 2 1/2 years can't find the reason. I know my mom can she wants to get married and is a different person. I can understand how this happened for a reason for her but I needed him and still do and can't figure out why the reason was for me or for the whole picture. I can't tell you enough how unique he was and how I promise you, you would never meet a person like him. He was real and honest, he was so loving, loved kids and animals. Always helped the homeless, would help neighbor or someone broken down on the road. He even was driving his car somewhere not far from the house and seen an old man shoveling and got out and helped him. He took the snow blower out and did 6 neighbors houses. He was just a great dad,great guy, great friend. He was someone to look up to. He would give you his para shoot to save a life. He was also a very hip dad. He was not old by any means. He had long hair when I was young and was in a band and even wore makeup for that band since it was in, in those days. He listened to classical music, jazz, to rock and roll. He was a jack of all trades. He was just an all around guy and I miss him and wish he was here for guidance. I moved to Michigan from NY and I have no family or friends here. Everyone I have is Tim's family who are great and Tim's friend and there wife's. My mom lives an Florida and you know our relationship. So this is usually my only place to vent and be honest without hurting people's feelings. I just have my head spinning now with this adoption. I can see why people do international adoption. I used to always say why would stars want to do international adoptions when there is all these kids here that need to be adopted. I now know why. Because adoption here is so much harder and a lot more heartbreaking stories. Thank you for letting me vent. It just makes me mad and upset when people just keep jerking me around with stories and putting stuff in your head. I do have to say I appreciate all the support everyone has shown me through this sensitive time. Thank you all so much. :)

Crazy week

I am so sorry it has been so long. I will update you on our crazy roller coaster of emotions week. So this past Tuesday I had got a call at work around lunch time from a social worker at DHS. She asked me if I would be interested in doing respite care for 2 kids, one is a 3 y/o boy and the other a 1 y/o girl. Well yes you are probably thinking what I was thinking. I asked "well is that going to affect the possible adoption with these other 2 little boys I have been waiting to hear on". She said "oh Rita said she e-mailed you a little while ago and that fell through". Oh yeah way to tell me I am thinking and I didn't check my e-mail because I have been at work since 6 in the morning and it was 12 noon and I was going to check. Well I asked if there were any special needs she said no and I asked if they were healthy she said yes then I asked when did I need to get them and she said if you can today. I was dumbfounded. I was like "I am at work till 6 pm today but can I call my husband first to find out. I called my husband with the butterflies in my stomach and excitement is taking over. I asked him what he thought he said to ask about the situation. I was so excited I forgot to ask. I told him when I call to ask about the situation should I say yes or no, he said to ask if there is a possible adoption that can come out of this. I called her back all excited and anxous and asked what the situation was. She said she was not the social worker for the kids and that she was out but she would try to share as much info as she knew with me. She said that grandparents had children for a year and they didn't think they could do this and they needed a brake. I am trying not to give personal info away though because I can't say names to specifics since they are not my children, so I will tell what I can. But I asked any chance for adoptions and first I heard I would be watching them for 2 weeks then they said for 6-8 weeks or permanent. I was excited this can be a possibility but I heard mom is a hot head. I told them we would do it and picked them up on Tuesday night. I have to admit the first night I looked at Tim and said do you think we can do this. Meaning have kids. We had 2 of them 3 and 1. It was a bit overwhelming. They were adorable though. We got no sleep the first night because all we did was listen for them. We didn't know there temperament or anything so we keep checking on them. The next day was tough but I started to fall into a rhythm and started to fall in love with them and fast. Then on Thursday I was hooked. After laying down with them for naps and reading them stories and kissing there booboo's, and hugging ad kissing them it was hard not to be hooked I felt like a mom. Everything just started to fall into place and then we get the devastating call. The mom is freaking out that the kids are not with there grandparents and she wants them with family. She called I guess all of the family she knew. She got one of the children's grandparents that they only meet the kids once in there lives. I was heart broken. We had to given them back that night and I was just beside myself with emotion. I cried the whole way home and I just have to say I definitely didn't approve of the home we dropped them off to. If DHS was open I would have called them and said you have to be kidding me. I called the next day and they said they had to talk with them and see the home and they deemed it okay for the kids to go to which floors me. Just to see that 3 year old face looking up at me like what did I do wrong, crushed me. I told Tim it was not our choose and I feel so guilty and I just wanted to take them. I have had a rough last couple of days and today I am still trying to fight back tears as I write this. I just hate the system. These kids were living with grandma and grandpa for a year out of the mothers care. How long can you give a mother to get her act together. There is two of them come on. The grandparents seemed nice the one's we picked them up from but they must not work with him which is so sad. He didn't even know his name or age. I am just hurting right now. We did get an e-mail asking if it falls through with these grandparents would we be willing to foster them. I told them no not unless there is a possibility to adopt. I am not sure if that is the right decision but I just don't want to hurt like this again or hurt there children going from home to home. I told Tim to call there social worker to find out the back story and see if there is a chance to adoption. I don't know it seems like we are back to childless again. After getting a taste of motherhood it makes me sad and makes me want it even more. I miss them so much and I just want a family more then anything in the world. I just can't wait to finally be picked. I feel like we have been waiting forever. I keep seeing more and more of my blogging friends be match and I am happy as can be for them but I think when is it finally my turn to be happy and feel that excitement. I am just hurting right now and just want this time to go by fast and can stop when we are choose to be parents. Thanks for letting me share it has been long but with 2 kids it was hard to get on the computer and then I was sad and it was hard to think about or even write about without getting upset. I am trying though. :)

Need some advice

Hi to all my blogging friends. I had a great vacation for our 5 year anniversary. We went to Traverse City which is beautiful and had a lot of fun. I will try to post these pictures the end of this week if not the beginning of next week.
I would also like to thank Savannah from "Countless Tomorrows" blog who is my blogging buddy for telling me about this blog " http://anothersmalladventure.blogspot.com/ . It is a great blog. Every Monday for those who are thinking of adoption or planning to adopt, she puts children who are looking to be adopted on there. They are of all ages. It is funny because a lot of these children I have seen on the state website but I didn't know how to pursue it at the time. I think this is a great blog that I felt I must share with all of you.
I feel like some times anyone I talk to in the outside world that I talk with every day truly don't understand what I am going through and when I come on here and blog I feel like people can relate and give great advice and this is one of the situations I ask all you blogging friends to help me with. So these 2 little boys I have been waiting to hear back on. Well I didn't update you on this because I didn't even have an answer before we left on our trip. She said 2 weeks ago at DHS she would call me and know more the end of next week which was last week. Well I e-mailed her on Thursday of last week to see if she had heard anything since I didn't hear from her yet. Well I checked my e-mail 2 times on our vacation and I know bad me. No e-mail from her. Then I waited until Tuesday to call her. I don't think I can go into to much detail but I will try to explain the situation. Well I called and got a hold of her and asked her what the status was. She proceeds to tell me that the foster mother wants to adopt one brother and not the other and that DHS won't separate the boys. This is the way it should be I am thinking. She said that this women does a lot of fostering for them. Which makes me think that are being careful to upset her for some reason. I don't know the foster care world very well so I don't know. Then DHS said will I be willing to do respite care. She said it really isn't that but they call it that when the foster parent can't take care of the kids for what ever reason (going on vacation, needs a break, passing in the family, ect.) that we would watch the kids for her for like a day or two. I was a little hesitant then she explains that she is only asking so #1 we would get to know the kids and #2 that the foster parent would meet us and may feel more at ease when she meets us. So we said sure. But, I still don't understand so if someone knows please let me know, if the parents rights are terminated, I know that they make sure all relatives are not going after the child, then they offer the children to be adopted by the foster mother and if they decline that they get put up for adoption. Well if DHS tells the foster mom no that she would have to adopt both or none of the kids why wouldn't DHS let them go up for adoption since they offered and the foster mom is not agreeing on the offer. And it also doesn't make sense because it feels like they are trying to stay on this foster mom's good side so she will continue to take in more kids but why would you want someone who would want sibling split up to foster more children. I guess I don't get it. It makes no sense to me. My reason I really need advice is that when I talked to her on Tuesday she said that she didn't call me back because she got a call from foster mom on Monday on her voice mail and she needed to call her back to find out the status. She told me once she calls her she will e-mail or call me back later that day or early today. Well surprise, surprise no call back or e-mail from her. How long do I wait to contact her back? What would you do if you were me? I heard that people have said to stay on top of a social worker but I don't want to make her mad or annoyed with me but I want her to know I am here. I feel like she keeps telling me she is going to do something and never follows through. It is like why tell me something if you are not going to follow through. This is my life on the line and my world on hold and I feel like that is not important to her nor do I feel like she understands. I need some advice please of what to do or what is the process or issue. I am just frustrated. Every time there is good news it feels like another road block. I just want her to tell me if there is good potential of them being ours or if not so that I am not stopping what I am doing, and dreaming of what it will be like to have a family, and thinking about all the stuff I would need to buy before they come, and how I will surprise our families with meeting them for the first time. Yeah they don't know what is going on with the adoption. They know we are on a list but I we have gotten our hopes up before and I don't want then to get there hope up with us, or to ask everyday if we heard something. Not only that but when you get pregnant you get the exciting ways you can thing of to tell your family. I always planned that if I got pregnant that I would let them know by writing a card to them from the baby and say something like "I can't wait to meet you (grandma, grandpa, aunt or uncle) mom and dad have told me so much about you and I can't wait to finally be spoiled by your love" and then attach a picture of the sonogram. Something like that. I always thought that would be cute but with adoption they are just waiting and if I tell them about a potential child that may join our family and it falls through it is like a miscarriage or they feel funny asking you anything as to not upset you and then if we get them were is the big surprise of us telling them. I was hoping to get the boys and I imagined calling them and asking them over for dinner and them meeting the boys. I thought about if it was this labor day (which I highly doubt would happen now but a few weeks ago it sounded possible) I would bring the boys up north for the trip we take every labor day together and meet everyone. Tim's Brother is coming for labor day from Chicago and we don't see him and his wife much and I thought that would be neat for the whole family to meet them. I don't know these are just my hopes and dream but as we all know they don't always come true which is the hard part. Thank you all for listening and I appreciate it if you do know anything about the process of the foster care world or what you think of the situation or what you would do.