Thursday, September 17, 2009

Hard times

So I have been thinking about these kids all week. I have cried about them all weekend and sad now. I can't stop thinking about them and how they are doing and how it will be when they go back to birth mom. Well I thought about it all weekend and Tim ended up called there social worker after they sent us an e-mail on Monday saying the children may not be able to stay at grandparents would we be willing to take them back. I asked Tim to call to find out what the situation was from there social worker because we have never talked to her and she would know the most about the children and we wanted to see if there were any chance for these kids to be adopted before we said yes to watching them again. WELLLLLL this story that we heard from the other social workers when they asked us to first get them is so different from the story there social worker told me. The children's grandparents said these children have been living with them a year and the social worker that called me that day said the same, there social worker said they only had the kids for 8 weeks. Then the other social worker told me that we would be watching them 2 week, 6-8 weeks or permanent if this continues. There social worker said their kids are suppose to go back to the mother in 3 1/2 weeks if all goes as planned which she said she anticipated. The other social worker said these kids could possible be adopted and the grandparents wanted a break and see how the 2 weeks go and if all went well they may not want them back it sounded like to them. There social worker said no way not unless something drastic changes. I don't mean to be blunt but what the hell. That place I feel like needed a place to put the children and since there social worker was not there that day they just wanted the kids off there plate so they said this couple wants to adopt and if we tell them they have a chance maybe they will take the kids. They always say it is miscommunication. This happened with the 2 boys they told me was a possibility. She said to me the foster mom wants to adopt only one of the kids and not the other and they said no and then she sends me an e-mail back the same day as these kids come in the picture to say sorry there was a miscommunication between the social workers and the foster mom wanted both boys the whole time. Come on. Don't they understand what they are doing to people like me who are dying to have a family and a child. I am sorry I am just very upset with the system. Everyone keeps telling us to do foster that is the only way to adopt and I don't think it is nor do I think I am the type of person to Indore that. I want to love the kids and treat them as my own. Maybe when I have a family some day I would love to foster a child because I have my end result a family and then I feel like I can help kids and be attached but understand they are not my kids they are someone else's and I have my own. But right now all I can dream about is a family. I only had those kids for 48 hours and look how attached I got. I can't see how people can't get attached after all the stuff you do for them you are like there mom. I am really starting to loose my way I have to admit. I didn't even admit this to my husband. I was always a girl with a good head on my shoulder and had goals, ambition and always wanted to treat everyday as if it my last. Somewhere along the way I have lost that person and don't know how I will ever find her or if I will ever find her. I always like to be organized and in control. Not in control like I have to have power but in control like if I ever drink anything even when I was younger I never got drunk, I always knew my limits and didn't want to do anything stupid and would never think of drinking in front of my friends because I would want them to respect me and not think or see me in a different light. I never cried in front of people wither except my husband. I always tried to stay strong especially when my dad had the cancer I was always told by him that I was the strong one in the family and I had to keep things together and if he saw me cry I would need to leave the room. So my mom has only seen me cry I don't know I could probably count on one hand (not often). I am a go getter and always wanted to do bigger and better. Just an example I worked for a Chiropractic office like5 years ago and was never fired from a job until that job. I was only fired because we were getting audited by bcbs for the codes. He was scared he would have fraudulent charges and I didn't know billing at all to help him so he fired me and told me I can use him as a reference and tell the job anything I wanted. Well I was upset and begged him to give me a chance to figure out billing and he refused and I told him he will regret his decision. Well I went to school to be a biller to show him. I got the job at St. John billing and sent him a letter after telling him thank you for firing me it was the best decision for bother of us and thanks for a reference I wouldn't be where I was if her didn't fire me. I am now going to some classes for 2 months in October to get my license for coding so I can make more money. I am that type of person never settle for second best. So now that you have an idea who I am you can see why I feel like my world is flying out of control and I can't get a hold on it. My dad passed which was devastating and still is, my issue with infertility between gaining weight from invetro and it not working, to my mom and how she is and how are relationship is (some times I feel like I am talking to a teenager with her) and this being jerked around with the adoption the last 5 years I have not been my self. Every year I feel like I have lost a piece of me. Right now I feel like the bottom of the barrel and it seems every time I get knocked down I get up again and then back on down. I need to get out of this hole I have been in and I just don't know anymore. Now for those of you that jump to conclusions fast please don't I am nit saying I am at the bottom and going to do something stupid because if you read before I am not that type of person but at the bottom because I just can't get a hold on my life at all. I am starting (and I am sorry if this offends anyone) to question god and if there is one. I can't see how for 5 year crap just keeps being dumped on me while I watch others skate by. Now I promise you I don't want a pity party. I am just trying to express my frustration and why I feel like I can't get any control. I can't see how god can take me dad. Everything happens for a reason as I am told and have tried to hold onto but I still after 2 1/2 years can't find the reason. I know my mom can she wants to get married and is a different person. I can understand how this happened for a reason for her but I needed him and still do and can't figure out why the reason was for me or for the whole picture. I can't tell you enough how unique he was and how I promise you, you would never meet a person like him. He was real and honest, he was so loving, loved kids and animals. Always helped the homeless, would help neighbor or someone broken down on the road. He even was driving his car somewhere not far from the house and seen an old man shoveling and got out and helped him. He took the snow blower out and did 6 neighbors houses. He was just a great dad,great guy, great friend. He was someone to look up to. He would give you his para shoot to save a life. He was also a very hip dad. He was not old by any means. He had long hair when I was young and was in a band and even wore makeup for that band since it was in, in those days. He listened to classical music, jazz, to rock and roll. He was a jack of all trades. He was just an all around guy and I miss him and wish he was here for guidance. I moved to Michigan from NY and I have no family or friends here. Everyone I have is Tim's family who are great and Tim's friend and there wife's. My mom lives an Florida and you know our relationship. So this is usually my only place to vent and be honest without hurting people's feelings. I just have my head spinning now with this adoption. I can see why people do international adoption. I used to always say why would stars want to do international adoptions when there is all these kids here that need to be adopted. I now know why. Because adoption here is so much harder and a lot more heartbreaking stories. Thank you for letting me vent. It just makes me mad and upset when people just keep jerking me around with stories and putting stuff in your head. I do have to say I appreciate all the support everyone has shown me through this sensitive time. Thank you all so much. :)


  1. I wish I lived closed so I could be a shoulder to cry on. I wish I knew what to say to take the pain away, but if there was magic words like that we wouldn't suffer from infertility so much.

    I don't know your situation, but I want to let you know about a website, I've met Kelly and she is awesome. Through this website she has been able to help create families through adoption. If you are open to special needs you should check it out. I think she actually does some pro-bono type work for an agency in NY. It's called Spence - Chapin. She is also a knowledgeable person about how to adopt for less. She knows ways you can adopt internationally for around or under $15K. Anyways I just wanted to mention it. Oh, the Spence-Chapin has a link of waiting kiddos at I have heard good things about them.

    I have also heard that we should remember adoption workers don't just work for us. Their primary goal is to keep families together. I know it's tough because you saw the living conditions those boys went to, but the state will do all they can to keep that family from breaking up, even though in the process it will break your heart. They will give the mother every chance under the sun to get her boys back. I know it's hard to accept, but it's just yet another thing adoption/infertility has taken out of our hands. I hate that we have no control.

    You are a stronger person than I am, I won't even do foster care because I am afraid of this kind of situation. Hang in there, I hope things get better soon.

  2. Ditto on what Savannah wrote.

    I also went through a "why would God do this" phase. I wouldn't even call it a phase. Sometimes it still comes up and it takes me awhile to find joy again. Don't worry about offending anyone. Deal with your own emotions and realize that they are normal.

    I'm glad you had such a great father. Sometimes drawing strength from a great person is the way to go. Even if that person is alive or gone. I have had days I didn't want to get off the bathroom floor. Thinking of that person has helped me to get up and keep going. Even if I'm only a 'shell' of what I'm supposed to be.