exciting news to report

Sorry I havn;t been on much but we got a special call from Justin's old social worker and a 3 month old baby girl back in August. She is now 4 months and we had 3 visits and I have been to her doctors visits and she came to live with us on September 8. I took a week off of work and decided to take my 3 month family leave act in January when my in laws are in Florida for 3 months so that she is not in day care every day during flu season and so I can be home with Justin all those vacations they get from school. It is hard because I am ending my week at home and I don't want to leave her. Well obviously I can't tell you her real name but her name we call her and her adopted name we chose is Riley Paige. She will be adoptable. Mom terminated her rights and wanted nothing to do with this precious baby girl and dad refuses to take a paternity test and wants nothing to do with her. Monday the petition to terminate on all unknown dads was granted and social worker came over today and said the court date of termination will be in a month or 2 and she has contacted the adoption services to start our process of adoption. The earliest it could happen is March as that is when she will be on the home for 6 months which is mandated in our state to adopt a child. Yeah we have a boy and now a girl. Everything is falling into place and life is great the only reason I can type this right now is she is taking her 20 minute nap that I think she is just getting up from. Talk to you soon.

have a question I will tall you more later

Did anyone or has anyone known of someone who adopted when child is on methadone and being weaned off? If so how did it turn out? What is mom did heroin and opiates? Anything to watch for? I researched it but didn't find as many bad things as if mom did alcohol which is surprising to me because I thought drugs were worse for a baby.

Off the subject I turned 30 yesterday and it was good and bad. The good parts I will explain later but the bad was the kids had visit with dad and was told they are being taken out of the house and they were not happy and made me sad for them. It will be a crazy and emotional day tomorrow. I was packing the kids stuff today and I can tell 7 year old girl is trying to take stuff out of the bags so she can hide it so she has a way for us to connect. I explained to her that this is not good bye just see you later. After meeting dad 2 times now he seems to like us and we offered that if he ever needed us to watch the kids we would be more then happy to help him out and he actually seem to mean it when he said I might have to take you up on your offer. The social worker said he probably will call you which is fine with us. I gave 7 year old girl a journal today and I wrote on the last page to her and gave her our number in case she ever wants to contact us or if she needs us we are there for her and it seemed to put her at ease she is already planning when she is coming back but I had to explain it has to be okay with dad. So crazy month emotional birthday with ups and downs and tomorrow will be ruff.

I was just wondering about my above question and I have been trying to look into this heroin with mom and child being weaned off methadone not sure if from personal or know someone to give me heads up on this research would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much. I will keep you posted.

not a good time right now

I am going to take a short break or as long as I need to post again. I have a bad taste in my mouth about DHS. They have lied to me yet again when they said they were adoptable and then she calls me less then 24 hours to tell me that they are having a visit with there dad and she is picking them up. I was told adoptable and no visits and goal terminating rights. After seeing dad with them and them with him and knowing he has a disease but he can very well get these kids back as he almost did and went through many hopes to get them back and almost had them till the day before they came. I know he is capable and talking with the social workers supervisor she was very honest with me unlike the social worker. They lied to find a home for now for them knowing I wanted to foster to adopt. Now if something fell through when going toward adoption fine but to upright lie makes me mad as can be. After dads visit they were a mess because they didn't think they needed to listen to me and felt they were going to be back with dad anyway. I am happy for them that they are probably seeing there dad again hopefully for good but this is not a situation for my family. Justin took it hard when she said she didn't want to live with us anymore and he was listening to them talk about there dad he felt like why didn't he get to visit his family. He is starting to try to mimic her behaviors and I am trying desperately to stop it. My other issue is I just don't have a connection with her and that hurts me. I felt a connection with Justin and he put us through a lot but there was just this bond and I feel it with her brother but just not with her and I think she feels the same way. I told DHS on Tuesday to have them removed after all that has been going on and now the social worker is treating me like I am just the most terrible person in the world. I told her first you lied to me then you told me that it was just going to be a visit on Aug 1 and then you called me that dad and asked me to take them and they were here in 2 hours so she didn't have to scrabble even though I really was not ready for them, she tells me the day before that she is taking the kids to visit dad when dad was to supportable have no visits, she never comes to pick them up as promised when I took part day off work and asked me to drive them last minute when we had plans that night and screwed up the whole day, the kids were in a tail spin because they were not prepared about dad or told now don't want to listen and I find out he can get them back soon and my son is getting into bad habits and upset and don't understand what is going on and he almost wants them out because the hurtful things they said about not wanting to be here and all that. It is not there fault they are in the middle and the worker lied and that I feel falls on her. I am not feeling what I think I should feel for this little girl. I truly thinks if she were to go anywhere she needs to go to a 2 parent house with no other kids and a stay at home mom that can focus all there energy on her. They are making me jump through hoops and feel bad that this is not the right situation for us. I have to think of everyone not just myself or I would take every child in. My family comes first. I need a break my heart aches from all of this and I just need time to heal. Not sure if I want to continue with DHS. Until next time. This must just not be meant to be. At least it doesn't feel like it and I guess everything happens for a reason even though I don't know what the reason is.....

craziness yesturday with my 7 year old girl

Well Tim has his own business and he had to leave for work early yesterday so he had asked me if I could take off like 2 and a half hours off of work so he didn't have to get the kids up so early to go to camp and the 4 year old day care. Well I asked off and got it. I woke everyone up but 7 year old didn't want to get up. I was nice, I rubbed her shoulder, called her honey and explained she needs to get up so you have enough time to get breakfast. Well I got Justin and the 4 year old dressed and teeth brushed and they were eating there breakfast. I go back up there she had the covers over her head. I told her sternly that she needed to get up right now and I started taking out her clothes. She proceeded with she is not going. Now she loves the camp. When I pick her up she is a jumping jelly bean telling me about her day and she in traduces me to her friends and they all are nice and like her. She loves going but she asks me every night if she has to go and the answer is always yes. Well she decided to test that yesterday morning. For a half hour we went back and forth to get her out of bed. She would refuse. I took away her privileges and snacks. She could have fruit and vegetables but no sweet snacks at all. I tried everything. I pulled her out of bed and started to try to get her clothes on her but then it started to get physical with the pulling and her resisting so I just let go I was not getting it to a physical level. I warned her and told her I was giving her 5 minutes to get dressed and have to teeth brushed and her butt down stairs or she was going in her pajamas. Well needless to say she thought I was kidding even when I came back up and had to pick her up and carry her all the way down the stairs. She tried to run in the bathroom to lock the door but I got to here before that she didn't want to put on her shoes so I picked up her sandals and put them in her bag. She realized when we were in the car I was serious because then she said she will change but honestly she was so mean and got my heart pumping so hard I didn't even think to bring a change of clothes and she can change there and I told her I gave you a chance and you had 40 minutes to get dressed and you choose not to do it you choose to go in pjs and I might be late for work now so we have to leave. She was not happy cried the whole way I had to get her out of the car. I explained to the camp what had happen. I called my mother in law and she dropped off a change of clothes for me. The boys were excellent and like little soldiers then just were ready got themselves in the car. I now think I did the right thing but at the time I didn't think so. I found out I did when I picked them up and the 4 year old started to not listen and she said you better listen to mom because she will not play around. I think she won't do that again. At least I hope not because it rattled me all day. Talk to you soon until my next adventure.

update on the munchkins

Yes they are still living with us. We are working things out with an instant 3 kids. It is not easy and I know 3 is more then enough for our family. Justin is adapting pretty well. He still has some issues with the little one but is doing much better. I have more issues with the 7 year old just testing me the most she can. She acts like a little premadonna and I am trying to give her a little more of real life. To be a kid but make up and perfume is not right for a 7 year old girl. She has temper tantrums like a teenager and acts like a teenage instead of a 7 year old and I have to constantly remind her she is 7. I also have to constantly explain to both her and Justin that I am the parents and I will make the rules not them telling each other or scolding each other for the rules. 7 year old she just craves attention and I try my best to give it but with 3 kids, a dog, a husband and my new position that demands me to now be at work with no days from home, you can imagine how much time I have just to shower. I don't know how people do it with more then 3 and work it is a crazy schedule but I do it for them and Justin. Justin is so happy with them. The kids already call me mom or mama. I keep reminding them to do it when they feel more comfortable but the social worker explained they never really had a mom and 7 year old and the little guy crave for that mother's love. As far as birth dad he is so far not following the plan and we find out the first of November if the kids will stay or not. Everyone is telling me it is an adoptable situation but you know I have to have a little guard up to protect myself but even though I keep reminding Justin this can be temporary I can tell he is attached.

We had the little guys birthday party yesterday and he loved it. He got Mickey, Cars, and Toy Story and loved it. He had so much fun playing with his siblings.

Today 7 year old girl told me today for the first time she loved me. I was amazed. The kids right now are swimming in the pool. The 4 year old is in his life jacket and floaty and my chair is sitting next to the pool with this on my lap because this is a minute I have that I can share my adventures. They are having a ball singing and enjoying the sun and pool and asking me mom watch me do this and this and now watch me. They are having a great time. Hope you enjoyed the post I will post more when I have more time to share.

update on the kids

So I am at work on lunch so limited time but kids came over around 6. I have to admit I was so nervous and so was Justin and Tim. They came cute as can be, polite. I know honeymoon phase but the social worker told me they are great and aunt who can't adopt them because of illness prepared them this last week and a half so they were excited when they came. They told me how nice our house was and how they can't wait to live here forever. And the 7 year old girl asked me if she can call me mom and I told her to wait until she feels comfortable but she felt this desire to jump into our family and fit in as if she has always been here which was great she included Justin which was my fear but she was great with him. The little guy who turns 4 next week is also cute as a button and both very outgoing and nice kids. The workers told me 7 year old would be a pleas er because she always is with everyone. But Justin is jealous especially to the 3 year old. He needs more time obviously but Tim is getting all frazzled about how this is going to effect Justin. I told Tim "you asked for kids that didn't have to many issues and they don't. You asked for kids who want to be part of a family not like we are forcing them into the family and they are more then willing to jump in and you asked that Justin not be left out and they get along, the 7 year old always included Justin in everything, was friendly with him and got along it is just Justin was being mean and acting out from jealousy" I explained to Tim. But he doesn't want Justin to regress or anything. I explained to Tim what if I was pregnant then Justin would have to adjust to that how do you think he would feel same way.Tim is a little overwhelmed with 3 kids but like I told him not everyday is going to be like it was last night. Don't get me wrong they slept good and all but we didn't have a routine in place yet and we will work into one and it won't feel so hectic but my husband just worries about Justin and if we can do it all. I just feel this way if it was meant to be it will be. So right now we are there foster home until we decide or the courts bring this to adoption. I will keep you posted. Like my job thus far. I like my new position everything is going well except for the craziness all at once I hope things will turn around and I am sure they will. talk to you soon.

so an update

Vacation is over and I started my new position or promotion today. I like it but I miss our vacation. I got a call today that said the kids need to be placed today as there care giver and relative goes for her chemo treatment is why she can't adopt them. Well I am nervous as all can be because it was just suppose to be a visit and I have a long day of work tomorrow and haven't planned accordingly and not sure what to do. My head is everywhere they are suppose to be here in 3 hours and I am not prepared at all. I know calm down take a deep breathe but my mother in law offered to help watch them but that is another face for these kids and I got this promotion how is that going to look me not going into work or giving 24 hour notice as we are suppose to and I was thinking day care for the little guy and summer camp with Justin for the older girl since she is old enough to go to it. But is that right either. The worker was suppose to fax me all there info right away so I can register them for school but she hasn't yet and it has been over an hour and the school closes in an hour and a half. I am like a chicken with my head cut off. All over the place. I guess if it was meant to be it will be.

new things to come yeah

So this is very exciting. I was told a position was open at work for a job I have made my goal for at least 7 years now. I went in for an interview and it went great. I had got the call on Friday I got the promotion. I am so excited. Also we had got a call on 2 kids on Wednesday from DHS. We left for a week vacation yesturday and DHS told us that these kids are going up for adoption but we will meet them when we get back August 1. I still have my lisence with catholic Social Services and I was told to let them know if we got any calls but I have not met them yet so I haven't told them yet. I figured when I meet them August first that I would tell her if these kids seem like they fit with our family. I was on the fence whether to post this as I didn't want her finding out or being upset for not telling her but we just found out then the promotion and then we go up north for the week. I figured enjoy the vacation then figure it all out when we get back. Lots going on. From not having anything going on and nothing to say except for my freak accident with my car but now all at once everything comes. It is nerve racking and exciting at the same time. I am very excited about the promotion and meeting these kids. I wish I could have meet them before we left to get an idea about how this will go. When I mean that I mean that Justin and the kids get along for the most part all kids will argue but that it fits. You just know it fits when it does. I know we felt it with Justin. I am thinking the same thing here. These kids are important but Justin is our number one priority right now until we find out they are ours. I have good feeling though on this one. I am excited and will let you know more when I come back from vacation and I meet them and tell Catholic Social Service once all happens. Wish me luck. :)

continuation from prior post on car attack

It has been a while

Sorry it has been so long. We have been so busy with summer now here. We have been going up north every weekend and just has a day summer camp her goes to. No we don't have any foster kids in the home but just waiting for that call we all know can come at any moment and gods way of telling me this was what was suppose to happen for you. I had a call about 2 month again on a 7 month old but when I called them back to say yes they already found a family which was a bummer.I only took less then 5 minutes to give them an answer and now I learned I need to give them an answer on the spot even though it changes our whole life in a secound.

Justin is doing good. He loves going up north and he loves his day summer program at the school. On Tuesday they go on field trip and Wednesday bowling and Thursday swimming at the city pool. I only take him there 3 days a week. I could take him 5 but why when I am home on Monday and and get home by 11:30 on Friday's. It is nice for him though so that he can play with kids his own age. It gets him out and get him to stop begging for a sibling to play with now that it is summer adn he is home so I thought it was a good idea. At first my husband thought it was a waste of money since My mother in law can watch Justin on Tusday and Justin could stay home with me when I work from home but that is hard to do when you work from home and Justin doesn't understand that I have to work he wants me to constanly play and I can't tell him go out side and play because he has no one to play with and I can't go an play when I work from home I have to get in 11 and 12 hours in in those 2 days. When Tim picked him up at camp he saw that Justin had a blast and it changed his tone about the camp.

Tim and I have been pretty good. I did have to go to another baby shower yesturday and as those who will not get to experience them it is not always easy to go to them. And for some really intersting story that will be hard for you to believe. We had got a call this Saturday night while up north that a pit bull was attacking my car. I know crazy right. We didn't understand the call either from an across the street neighbor. We had left to come come home 3 hours away because we wanted to know what was going on and that sounded like a crazy story. It was 1:10 in the morning by the time we got home and my car was trashed. The pitbull that we have no idea where it came from or whose it could be tore up my car. He was locked in our cage in our backyard my neighbor through a bone and food in there to lor it in and when we got home the pit bull was in there. For my car: the bumper was ripped off around the wheels where the paint was bitten and bent all up and claw marks and bit mards where all over my car. My mirrors will have to be replaced. I could not believe a pitbull whould attack a car number one and be able to do the damage it did to my vehilce. The dog barked all night we called animal control but since it was 1:30 in the morning they said they were short handed and it could take 3 hours well we were tired and jsut wanted to go to bed. We called the next morning the police could not believe what she saw she even call on other police to see my car and they couldn't. beleive it. She took pictures and wrote us a police report and as she was there the dog almost excaped our fence he had bitten a whole in the fence and moved out fence like a foot from where it was suppose to be. This was crazy we are waiting for our insurance to call us as we e-mailed in our claim. See pictures for this crazy story. Scary enough was god forbid we were home and Justin was outside like he usually is. fewwwww

What my Decision was on the procedure

So up until yesterday I thought I was having the endometrial ablation done. Well I have been asking my husband to look at the pentathlete for the procedure for week and do you think he did no. No that is until yesterday he decided to pick it up and he told me no he didn't want me having it. I was shocked because number 1 that he read about it and 2 because he told me no.

He stated that we have not used protection in how many years and this procedure you need to use protection or if the off chance I were to get pregnant that it is life threatening to myself as well as a baby. I guess when we read about it more online about what it has done to others who were as young as myself they would get pregnant not know they were pregnant because a lot of the times you don't get a period with the procedure the baby dies of course in most cases because there is no lining in the uterus since burned away by procedure and people have dies from the poisoning in there blood stream and issues with the other organs. I told my husband but what are our chances of that ever happening and he says with our luck it would happen and he didn't want to take any chances because he couldn't live with himself it did happen. So I am not going through with it. Not sure what else to do about the problems like the bleeding and spotting and painful periods. Right now I am just on birth control and was planning on being on it for a few months and getting off hope it regulated it.

Okay so this weekend is the match party coming up. My mother in law keeps telling me to not consider any sibling groups because she thinks that will effect Justin as the siblings will have a strong bond to one another and Justin will feel left out and it might hurt him. Any one have any thoughts on this? I am not sure if I am thinking the right way and is she correct? Not sure and was wondering about suggestions. Thanks

This is a life changing decision

Well I have been thinking about having endometrial ablation done. I have been thinking about it the last few months. I have really bad cramps and heavy bleeding with my periods and I spot for like a week or 2 sometimes before my period. This has been since I was 16 that I had been cramping so bad the pain would make me throw up. It is hard because I feel like when I know my period is coming that I won't be able to do anything. It came this memorial day weekend but luckily my friend gave me some of her nuproxen to get me through the weekend so I was not in bed with the heating pad.

My husband and I 2 weeks ago got into it a little because some personal things that he didn't tell me as he told me he didn't want to hurt my feeling because I am always bleeding and obviously that means I don't have sex. Sorry to get so personal and I didn't want to but this is another piece of the puzzle as to why I am thinking about this. I felt worse when he told me because I feel like I couldn't have a kid for him and now I can't even have sex because of this horrible spotting.

I have tried the pill and it makes it better but once I get off it goes back to the way it is a 2-3 month. I don't want to stay on the pill my whole life I feel tired on it and gain wait or can't loose any. I also don't want to increase my chance of cancer.

I went to the doctor and they said everything is normal like the infertility specialist has said and every other doctor but he noticed my endometiral lining was borderline in size meaning that my body doesn't shed like you do when you have a period like it is suppose to so my uterus keeps contracting to get it to shed when it hasn't and that is why I spot and cramp so bad. Finally I have an answer. The way you fix it is hormone therapy. Well that means the pill and that is not what I want the rest of my life.

The doctor scheduled my endometrial biopsy for Monday and he has to do that before he will do the procedure. The doctor just kept telling me you do this you will never have an opportunity to have any kids. I know that but what life is it to live like this all the time. Life on my period. I am not having any kids anyway. My husband says if that is what I want to do that is fine but that he doesn't want me to be upset with my decision. I know I will always morn the loss of not experiencing child birth but I think I am not in that stage of my life. Doctor still wants me to think about this but I have for month my husband just makes me almost doubt myself like we might have a chance and I thought we were on the same page that ship has sailed. My husband told me he would want me to be pregnant for me and to see me happy. I told him I wanted to know what he felt. He said he is perfectly happy with Justin and only want to have or adopt another one for Justin and I. My mind is now all over. I am all for it but now my mother in law heard I was thinking about this and she is upset and thinks I need to give it more time. I am over it but I don't think everyone else understands what I go through with these periods and already morning the loss of not getting pregnant. Please tell me what you think. I know you can't make the decision for me and it is my decision but I just want some input. What would you do if you were me?

What been happening

Sorry it has been a while but not to much has been happening except a health scare for a moment. I went in for my ob/gyn appointment and was told he wanted me to go in for a mammogram for the lump I have had on my breast since I was 21. I had an ultrasound done at 21 when I first found it but they said they just thought it was dense breast tissue. So I was concerned why all of a sudden now we are testing. Well I got a call the mooring of the mammogram telling me that I was to young to have a mammogram done because of my age and that breast tissue at this age is so dense it is hard to see. So they re-scheduled me for an ultrasound.

I came in for the ultrasound and the lady told me not to change and to wait to hear from the radiologist I started to be a little nervous then she came in and told me they decided to do the mammogram after all. I went in for that waited also and then she came back in to tell me she needed an additional view and then to wait for the radiologist. She came back in and told me the radiologist wanted me to go for another ultrasound so I did and at that point she had asked me if I was told to go for x-ray or anything and I was then getting really nervous. Asking myself what did they find why am I getting bounced around as I waited for the radiologist to tell them what was next my eye's started to tear up. I couldn't help it and maybe I shouldn't think the worst but when you are in the scenario you can't help it. She came in to tell me they can't see the mass even though they can feel it. It is like 1 cm. It is a dense size. She said the radiologist feels comfortable sending you home. Then I get a call from my ob/ gyn to see a surgeon and then I got all nerved up again. I went to see him he felt it looked at the films and told me not to worry it was just density and that my breast on that side is like that and that he says not to worry about it. Fewww I was relieved. Now I this process was about 3 weeks are worrying. It felt like forever to me.

On a more positive note. I am thinking about going to a match party. They are having one in Michigan for children ages 6-17 and I figured I would go. I know when I started this process I only wanted an infant then was thinking about older. Now I am thinking 0-10 but we will see what happens. Who knows we might go there and really like a 12 or 13 year old. I put it for 0-10 because I didn't want the child to out of Justin's age range so they can still play and grow up with one another and still be able to create memories. I want Justin to go as a good indicator of if this child matches with Justin if they can get along and be life long friends. I want Justin to be comfortable about this situation too because to many kids can't handle kids that are younger them in the house and Justin is our top priority. We will see what happens I will tell you after June 11 which is the day. I have never been to one of these before so I don't know what I am in for but I am eager to let my heart lead the way.

Call last night

So we got a call last night from protective health service about 4 children that needed a home and a possible adoptive family. It was 8:45 at night and we just laid down in bed after putting Justin down. I know it was early it was early to go to bed for us too but we have this sinus thing that are heads feel so heavy they feel like exploding so we decided to sleep it off.

Sorry getting back we got the call my husband picked up and we had to say no. It hurts to know there are kids out there that need family's and I don't want to separate kids for my own selfishness. They should be together but 4 kids all under the age of 5. Few that would be a huge task for anyone let alone us who are only wanting 1-2 more. I had trouble going back to sleep last night just hoping they found a family for these kids. This is hard to get calls like that and know it is out of my range of what I know I can do. Foster care and the calling process is hard. You want to help and save them all and you can't. Your only own person.

I found a possible connection

So this lady I have been becoming close with because Justin and her children she adopted went to school together and are now in kindergarten together. She know a lady she is friends with that has adopted 4 kids from foster care and now she wants to foster to adopt and hopefully find good homes for these kids if they need to be adopted. My friend told her I was interested and she said she has 2 now that she is finishing her adoption of and 1 other child but that she will see what she hears and as she is good friends with the people at dhs. I hate to say it but dhs in our county it about politics. I have been told by Justin's social worker when he had one and by people who use to work there. They work with the people who are willing to foster and take the kids that they call on all the time over people like myself who are interested in fostering to adopt. I have been told if they offer a child to you and you state that they are not a good match or you are not willing to take them or if you take to long in your desion to take them that they will not call you for a while. That is hard. I feel like this connection could be great. This lady is the reason my friend was able to adopt the 2 kids. This women said she will let me meet them but will have me come in as a friend of hers as to not shack up the kids or make them feel like they are being picked or anything like that. And that is not my intent at all. I just want to see how we connect. That child will be living in your house the rest of your life and if you take them in and it doesn't work then that is another loss to the child that I don't want happening. I would love to meet the child with my family and she how the interaction is. Well this is a hope at least. I feel like I at least have one person on the inside looking out for me and she will be able to tell me the truth on any issues the kids may have so that I am prepared. I know when I have been called from dhs they don't tell you everything for the hope you will just take them in because they can't find a place for them.

I feel good about this and hope it works out. I am really tring to shake this but I still think about those kids I said no about taking. I still wonder how they are and if they found a family for all 3 of the kids. I hate this guilty feeling I feel. I know we could have tried to make it work but my husband was so strong on no I knew I couldn't change his mind. I am trying my best to just pray for them and hope they found a family so that I don't keep thinking about them.

Easter Celebration.

Three generations of papa, dad and justin working together to put his puzzle he got on easter together.

More gift for Justin from the family he is so loved and spoiled by so many that he has touched.

A sweet moment with grandpa after he had hide some eggs for Justin at there house.

My sister in laws dog who is practicly there child stops to pose as the easter bunny.

Before church looking for easter eggs outside

He found the basket and some eggs inside.

In the morning we did the Easter egg hunt inside then got dressed did the easter egg hunt outside. Had us all take a shower to be ready for church at 9:30 which Justin did give me a little bit of a hard time but I had to remind him how important the day was and how dad is even going as a family to celebrate Jesus. He did great at the church.

We came home to watch a DVD Justin got for easter from the easter bunny together. Then I baked some cookies and cut some vegetables to take over to Grandma and papa's house. Justin couldn't wait to go over there to show grandma what he got her for easter and her birthday and I think he knew they hide some easter eggs for him at there house. Enjoy some cute pictures of the day I tried to capture. If I was allowed to take a picture in the church I would have of Justin singing it was too cute.

Happy Easter

I know it is early but if I don't do it now I will not get to it between going to church (and yeah my husband is going too and justin is so excited we are going to church as a family not just me and him) and then doing the easter egg hunt and his basket and over Tim's mom's house for easter and her birthday. Her birthday landed on Easter this year Kinda crazy but cool. Hear are some pictures I took of him in his easter attire this moring below hope you like.

Please by the way pray for those three kids that they are having a good Easter and that maybe they get to spend it together for there sake. I can't stop thinking of them and just wish them the best.
I am so lucky to have this little boy. Look how happy he is. He was such a ham when I took these pictures.

Made the desion on Monday and it still hurts

So I told them no on Monday to taking all 3 kids or splitting all 3 kids which ever way you look at it and it still hurts. I think about them and wonder if they found a home for them. I thought this would be easy without ever meeting them and putting a face to these kids. I have never meet them or anything before but my heart still aches for them. I have said no before but it never felt like this. I say no and think about them the rest of the day but then try to push them out of my head so that I don't dwell like I am now about them. This time my mind just keeps going while I can tell my husband is totally different and has thought about it again since saying no. I don't know why this is and if anyone else has felt this but it is bothering me and I wanted to share.

One of the hardest decisions

This was one of the more difficult decisions I had to make. It was like a double edge sword, doomed if I do and doomed if I don't. I know DHS was really counting on me taking these kids but it did kind of hurt that they lied to me in such a sneaky way. I have decided not to take the children. It was really hard. I would like to thank Savannah and Kelly for your input it really helped and put things in perspective and gave me support and something to think about. I didn't really share this with friends or family and I know they just wouldn't understand they would think I was crazy for even considering it so I wasn't going to tell them anything unless we took the kids in. I didn't want the negative comments I wanted supportive comments on pros and cons and what others would do in my situation. You all understand because you want to adopt and have a love for kids as I do. Most of the people in my world never have adopted or even considered it or even had infertility issues so they don't know what this is like. I really wanted to take these kids in but my husband was not on board for having a total of 4 children especially all at once. We have to agree together and I know it was a stretch for him to consider having 3 let alone 4. Also we wouldn't have room in either one of our vehicles to hold a family of 6. Only for a family of 5 and not room for the kids to have there own space that I think they deserve to have. I can make room for 3 kids but 4 is a stretch. I felt like if I didn't take them I would feel bad about it and let these kids down even though they didn't know about us. If I took them I would feel bad even if it works out that they would be separated because of us not willing to take the 10 year old as well. My husband kind of felt bad too and even considered taking in just the 10 year old but like I told him it is the same situation as us taking the younger two as they would need a place for all 3 and if we are not willing then we shouldn't as I don't want these kids to be separated they have been through enough and deserve each other. I pray there is a person out there that can open there heart and soul to these children and take all 3 in as I can't separate them. Thank all though for the support and hopefully another opportunity will arise and I can share with you. :)

something to think about Please tell me what you think about the info now

Thank you Savannah and Kelly. I appreciate the help and kind words. This is hard. Just to give you a little bit more info just so you have an idea Justin is 6 and the girl is 6 and the boy is 4 and we were told he needs constant supervision and the 10 year old is a girl. Yes Kelly the situation you were talking about, about the 10 year old separated right now due to 1 not being able to find a home for all 3 at the time and 2 the 10 year old wasn't being a kid and was watching the younger and taking more of a parenting role. But it sounds like ultimate goal is to keep together so although they don't have a place for 3 now say in a year or so when they are adoptable then they can be taken away if we don't agree to take all 3. My husband only ever wanted 2 kids and I always wanted 3. He is pretty firm on 2 but I was able to talk him into the possibility of 3 because I told him I can have a girl like I always wanted and Justin can have a little boy to play with too and Justin ever since we did respite care for the 2 little kids in September who were 2 and 3 he wanted a brother and a sister so bad. So asking my husband to bend to take in 4 kids I don't think I can do that. Before I posted earlier today I realized that DHS really tried to pull a fast one on me that really made me mad. My social worker asked me in March which is the one I posted in March on my blog about the 3 kids but we had to say no. These are the 3 kids. I didn't realize that until 3 hours ago. My social worker e-mailed me about 3 kids last march and I said no because I wouldn't take 3 more kids in. I told her to keep an eye out on a possible adoptable situation for 1-2 kids between the ages of 0-8 years old. Well on Tuesday she had another worker call me on the 2 younger kids to adopt not telling me that these were the same ones she asked me about in March because she probably didn't want to me to tie together and wanted me to fall in love with these kids and then feel I had to take in the 10 year old in order to keep the 2 younger and that just makes me so mad. She knows what I told her. I tied it together 3 hours ago because on Friday when I was told the 10 year old name I knew I heard her name before and it is very unique and I couldn't figure out where I heard it. All of a sudden it hit me. I went to the computer and pulled up the e-mail she sent in March and guess what it was these kids same names date of birth and all. I felt totally duped. My goal is adoption not foster care. I feel she is setting me up to fail. I don't know how many people adopt all 3 but it does make me feel bad that all 3 siblings are not together. I hope this helps give you a bit more clarity of the situation to help me with some advice. I appreciate all input weather you have had the situation or not I would love to hear from all angles. This is a huge decision. I know you can't give me an answer but something to think about would help greatly. I have prayed, cried and everything else about these kids. I was ready to take them until the news yesterday that shook me up and made my husband mad and not even want to deal with DHS because the deceit and lying. I did e-mail my social worker after I realized what she did to kind of find out where her head was at when she split the kids for me. Not sure what to think but as you can see my head is spinning. Thank you so much for the input. It is so greatly appreciated.

We need your HELP situation with some kids came up and not sure what to do

I got a call on Tuesday that there are 2 kids that can be very possible adopted as birth mom has not tried on bit to get the kids back and in 3 month they will determine that this should go to termination. This sounded very promising and it was a boy and a girl 6 and 4. I can't give much more information on them but I was very interested and they were at a foster home that was not through DHS but subcontracted out so I had to sign some paper work on Thursday that I would follow this subcontractors rules since they are a little more strict then DHS because they are held to a higher standard because they are a private agency. So we signed the paper work and talked a bit and we told her our intent to foster to adopt then she asked if we were willing to foster the 10 year old sibling that is at another foster home. I didn't even know that there was another sibling. I was taken back because now that changes things. I told her would would only take in 1-2 more kids because we already had Justin. She said okay because if this does become an adoptable situation then we would be looking for a family to adopt all 3 and if we find one they would be taken away from you to got to a home for them. Now I am totally agreeing that siblings should stay together especially when they have meet and know each other but I am not willing to have 4 kids with Justin. I think having 2 more kids is going to be hard enough let alone 3.This really sounds like an adoptable situation. I told them since these kids have been moved several time why don't they then look for a family that will be willing to take in all 3. She said because they don't have any. If they don't find any by the time these kids are available for adoption then we will get to adopt the 2 and do visitation with the 10 year old. I have to decide by Monday and I don't know what to do Please Help! I need to make a desion. Do I take in these 2 kids and hope that I can adopt them but then I feel horrible for the 10 year old or do I pass on this. I can't just think of Tim and I but Justin. He really wants a sibling but I don't want to keep these kids in our home for say a year and then they are adoptable and because we were not willing to take in 3 more kids that we lose them and we would be attached but I don't want that to effect Justin with people in and out of his life when he is doing really good. I am so torn. We were already to take these 2 kids in we had things planned out what we wanted to do with sleeping arrangement and how to decorate and all then come to find out DHS didn't tell us everything (big surprise) and it tosses everything in the air. Please tell me what you would do in this scenario. thanks you so much I need some help preferably by Monday so I can tell them what we decided.

Infertility why?

Just to end from my last post, no we did not take in the 3 more children making it 4 children. I really wanted to but if my husband was against it we both have to be on board. Justin was bumd but hopefully another situation will come. I have to talk about infertility today because I found out one of our friends is pregnant for the second time. On the first try she got pregnant with her daughter and now she wanted another and got pregnant the same month she tried again and just announced to us on Saturday she was. I thought this time if anyone had announced they were pregnant I would be happy for them and not have those feelings I has the first time she and all my other friends announced they were pregnant. I will be 30 this year and almost all our friends have babies and are now rounding me with there seconds and while I still have my one and never was able to know what if feels like to go through a pregnancy. PLEASE PLEASE don't get me wrong at all. I LOVE just with all my heart and would not give that up for anything but that feeling still hits a nerve. She announced it and the rest of the day I had my husband asking me what was wrong. I kept telling him I am fine. My husband is awesome he tries to point out that we have Justin and that is what we always wanted why am I acting like this. I don't know what I was acting like exactly because I just felt like I was walking in a fog.It just hit a nerve when it was announced and I don't know why. I truly and honestly do not want to be pregnant I am over that. I truly am. But that feeling still came back when it was announced like a pit in my stomach that nerve we just struck and I wasn't mad at her and I was happy for her that she didn't have to struggle like I did but it still kind of hurt. To make this go full circle. I know why I couldn't get pregnant because I would never have had Justin. If I never had Justin I don't know if I would have found my way back to God and the church. I have lost him for a while. When my dad was sick I prayed and went to the church for holy water to sprinkle on my dad. After he died a peace of me went to heaven with him that I feel I never really got back and that I am not the same person as I was before he passed and I think that also has to do with I don't have any other family that is there for me but my husband and son and his family. But then again they are his family so if there is any disagreement I need to talk to them because I am upset with my husband there is no one to talk to because we all know what sides they will take and I would never let my son decide. So I felt alone like god took the only person that was on my side the only person that could save me if I needed, the only person that was my dad the one I looked up to my friend. He was all those wrapped in one and that was gone and I felt kind of empty and angry with god. My anger only grew when we tried to get pregnant now it will almost be 6 years and then the infertility was brutal and I felt like I lost some kids when I went through in vetro. It was earth shattering and I went to a very dark place. I didn't do anything bad but my thought were so bad I had to be strong enough to pull myself out of that. I did then the adoption road was some what of a long struggle and frustrating first wanting a baby and none coming to having a 4 year old unexpectedly come into our lives. I am grateful for a lot. This year we decided his adoption was finial we have all his paper work we will baptise him so I started to go to church with him and feel better and feel happy again. I started helping out at church and going to the soup kitchen and helping out there it felt good. Why do I have this nerve that gets struck if I feel I am in a good place and over being pregnant. Sorry getting back to full circle we go to church yesterday and guess who is in front of us, our friends who told us they were pregnant. As we confessed our sins I kept telling god please let this feeling go away I am sorry for having this upset feeling with them and there announcement I just want to be completely happy for them and mean it. Of course I sat with them and tried to hardest to not show nothing was wrong but it sill a little awkward. I don't know why. I wished it would go away. Then the pastor said had a casket in the middle of the church and said anyone ever have an elephant in the room like this one and know they had to say something but couldn't. I was like my goodness what am I to do. I don't want to say anything like that. It would hurt there feelings and they are excited they just started telling people. When we got up to leave I just told them both so happy I was for them and gave them a hug. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but it felt like it at the time. WHY DOES INFERTILITY HAVE TO BE SO HARD.

My heart feels torn

I first wanted to start by thanking everyone for there feed back on my last post. We did decide Justin should be baptised at Lutheran. We figured what is best for him and if he has friends with the kids and the teachers and pastor there, he should go there because that is were he is most comfortable and this is about him. They do so many kids activities and get the kids involved in their spirituality at such an early age it is awesome. I do think they do a great job and are so family and child oriented it was great. Thank you so much for the support and feedback.

Now, getting back to why I am posting, I had got an e-mail from my social worker about 3 kids. Now our licence states 3 kids 0-10. Now with Justin this would make 4. These three kids at 11, 7 and 4. Then I would have Justin who is 6. My husband (Tim) is so stressed out when I feel bad and want to take in these kids he tells me I am crazy. He always says how would we do that with us both working who would ever want to baby sit for 4 kids we have enough trying to find someone to watch Justin he states. I just know these kids need a family in Michigan and I don't know where they are going or who they are going to and I know how I am and what I can offer them. It tears my heart apart because my husband and I are not on the same page and I know that is important. When we got the call about Justin at the time my husband was questioning and stating he thought Justin might have been to old for us as we at the time were thinking infant and look at what happened. But then at the same time we both work full time and how would we fit 6 in my car or Tim's truck. We would go from a family of 3 to 6 and that scares Tim. Not only that but the 2 older at female and I know that makes my husband hesitate.

I have to let my social worker know what I think tomorrow and I am just torn. My husband says no and if it was up to me I would say yes but I also am one to say yes to animals when need a home so my husband has to help keep me in line some what but when it comes to kids in the system I want to help. I never would guess I would even think about 4 but they are kind of older they are not babies. It might just be a no though because my husband doesn't seem to be giving much at all. He said he couldn't parent that many kids. He said he would take one maybe 2 max if we got a call. This is hard for me. Thank you for reading and letting me express me feelings.

contraversial topic but need opinion

I know religion is controversial and I don't usually like to talk about religion on my blog as to not preach to push any of my beliefs on anyone so I am going to try to make this as light as possible.

OK this is a topic that has come up since we found out that Justin was going to be ours forever. I am Catholic and I have been Baptised, made my communion and confirmation. My Husband is Baptist not practicing. When we got married we said we would raise our kids Catholic as I was and Tim didn't practice and didn't mind what I wanted to do.

Well we also at the time thought we were going to get pregnant and have a baby then that didn't happen. We thought when we would adopt it would be an infant and that didn't happen.

God obviously had a different plan for us that was for the best even thought we couldn't see it at the time.

Well those plans were different we were able to adopt our wonderful son Justin at the age of 4 turning 5 when he came into our home. Well at the time he wasn't ready for Kindergarten and his teacher in Kindergarten told us that she thought he would do best in small 5's at Immanuel Lutheran church. Well even though it was a church that was not my religion I heard it was the best schools so I brought him there. They were awesome. He learned so much and there were very kid friendly. They taught the kids about what they would learn in kindergarten but also taught him about god and the Lutheran religion. He made a lot of friends and was very comfortable with the church. I feel he needs a religion and he like Immanuel Lutheran church and when I brought him to the Catholic church for a service he was not very good there and had trouble sitting still. They really were not as kid friendly as the Lutheran church. The Lutheran church brought him on stage with other kids incorporated the kids in the service and kind of made it funny and light hearted as they taught the kids about the religion.

My husband is not helping me in what I should do. He really never I am Catholic and this shouldn't be a big deal but I don't want Justin to feel he doesn't have the same religion as Tim and I. As we would all have a different religion. I just want to do what is best for Justin. I am not sure what that is. Do I go on my beliefs or is that close minded and selfish or do I bring him to a church he is familiar and happy with because that is best for him. I am just not sure and wanted some input. I want what is best for Justin and need some help on what you would do if you were me. I know religion is your belief and what is best for you but I is not for me it is for Justin. I am leaning toward the Lutheran church since he liked it there and made friends with many there as well as the pastor. We had went there for the 10 months he was there.

I want to have him baptized but where at. I need to make a desion for Justin on what religion now that he is officially adopted and we have all the documentation since we needed that documentation to have him baptized I need to make this happen. We say our prayers every night and he asks many questions about God and religion and heaven and a bunch of questions I sometimes don't know how to explain.

Justin has been very scared about death. Not his death but Tim and I dying. He asks many questions about my dad and why he dies young and I try to explain the best I can. I explain about heaven and that we will all see each other there but then he says why don't we just die now so we can also be with your dad. It is so hard to explain especially to him especially when it is about my dad. He really wish he meet my dad. He has told me so many time before. I try to put his mind at ease that nothing will happen to us and we will always be there for him and that he has many family members that love him and will always be there.

I am 29 years old and will admit I have lost my way with my faith since my dad but since Justin has come into my life I have wanted to change that. I also want to help with poor and underprivileged. I am trying to look for places in my area where I can donate my time and help people that are less fortunate. I am very serious about this and want to do my part. Thank you for letting me explain me situation and please be polite. I know about religion and how people get very hot and bothered about the topic and I just want input on what to do. Thank you

Peace and harmony

I am sorry but I haven't had much to report except we have been doing great. I was going to post about it to see what others would do. The issue is Justin has these sudden outburst that are uncontrollable. We have been trying to make sure Justin take control of his actions and to not lie or blame others and fess up. Well 2 Sunday's ago he lied and looked me right in the eyes and Tim and just kept saying he didn't do it. The bad thing to say is he is a good lier. He can look you dead in the eye and not flinch which is kind of scary for only being 6.

Well we got him to admit he lied and we told him he had to go in the corner for his time out and he went ballistic. I mean screaming so loud at the top of his lungs in your face and his face we red as all can be and he was steaming. He has gone in time out many times and we are consistent on time out he knows he has to go if he lies, if he hits or tries to cause any harm (bite, scratch etc), if he doesn't listen when we give him a warning or if he is in the yellow or red at school. He knows this and we are always consistent on it and we stick to our guns every time as to not cause mix messages.

Well he lied and just went absolutely crazy. He was like I said screaming "your putting me in time out for not reason," "I am not going in time out I didn't do anything" after he just admitted he lied. We were trying to explain to him and we did explain when we told him that for lying to us you get 6 minutes in time out so it was clear as to why he was going there but he didn't want to hear it. We picked him up to put him in time out and I mean he was just in attack mode. We tried everything talking to him to calm him down before putting him in time out, my husband tried holding him he just wouldn't have it finally I thought of what a blog friend from "Twist and Shout" said she would put him in a cold shower until he calmed down because he was explosive. I tried and that only added to the fire he was so irate that he started getting so worked up he was screaming then hyperventilating we were giving him water to calm down we were telling him to breathe he just didn't stop shouting and fighting with us even when we tried a hug. I finally just threw my hand in the air after 2 hours of emotions and walked away and just didn't answer to the behavior because I couldn't. I didn't know what more to do and my blood pressure I could feel was rising. He then seemed to start to calm down. He gave my husband and I a hug and said he was sorry. I told him that was okay and that I love him but that he still has to go in time out for what he did and went no problem. The rest of the night he was snugly and cuddly.

Right after that happen he has been awesome ever since. Are family feels as peace and harmony. I feel like we just had a great weekend. We went up to Mount Pleasant and enjoyed the in door pool and out door Jacuzzi, and we had some fun at the arcade with Justin. He was on great behavior. Of course had warnings like any kid but just was nice to feel calm and fresh and having fun. It was a breath of fresh air.

We went to the doctor yesterday and I am proud to say Justin is caught up with him immunizations till he is 12. Yeah. I don't know if I told you but bio mom signed for Justin not to have any immunizations the first 5 years of his life so when DHS found out that right were terminated last February we started doing him immunizations. It has been a year and lots of shots and doctor visits but after a year we are finally caught up. The poor little guy. I felt so bad. He is terrified to see the doctor because of all the shots and procedures done on him. I felt bad holding him down for the shots. I knew it is for the best but he is not a baby he remembers this and has had many upon many immunizations in 1 year he had to be caught up to a 6 year old. It was a lot like 4-5 shots a time. His poor little legs and arms. But we spoiled him with any where he wanted to go out to eat and he got a $3 monster truck and he was pretty happy.

We just love him so much and couldn't imagine our lives without him in it. Even when it is the worst of times we get through it together and stand strong and work it out to make it the best of times. Our favorite thing to do is go in his room when he is sleeping and give him a kiss. He is such a hard sleeper and he moves around and it is so cute. He is growing up to fast and I know I am going to miss it and mom can't treat he like a baby he tells me so the only time I can is when he is sleeping. I just love to watch how precious he is when he sleeps and think God thank you for giving me this miracle. He has changed out lives forever and for the better and I can't thank you enough. He is our little gift from God. He has such a sense of humor, and loving way about him and he makes us laugh all the time and the things he says. We love him to death and would do absolutely anything for him. He is our whole world. I feel like we have come full circle.

Back from our Florida trip of fun

We had a lot of fun in Florida. It was a well deserved vacation. I need the break from work and life in general just to enjoy our time as a family with out the interruption. We stayed at my in laws for 5 days then a Disney resort and it was awesome. I did see my mom and brother. I do have a little bit of negative to say about that. They got to my in laws house at 10 am and we had plans to go to Sea World. We they got lost so we got to Sea World around 11:15-11:30 with myself, Justin, my mom and brother. We had fun with Justin and around 2 my mom was asking if we could leave because she has to work tomorrow. She does start work at 5 in the bakery but it was 2:00 and she lives 1hours and 10 minutes away and only got to see us one day in a year. I said but Justin is having fun but she said both her and my brother had to work and that because they drove to see me and they have to drive home and they got lost asked if I could drive them home. Sure I got us to my in laws with the GPS help. We got to my in laws (who I consider more of my family they have always been there for me) and they asked my mom and brother if they wanted pizza for dinner and my mom and brother just wanted to go and my mom couldn't wait to see Curtis her husband and so they left it was like 3:30. She did mess up on something that I don't think she caught. When we had argued prior about her not seeing me she blamed it on not having vacation time and all this other stuff. Well she told me her vacation time was being used to go to New York for that wedding. Well when we (my mother in law and myself) were talking to her she slept and said she has a week vacation left because she knew her husband would be mad if she used her 1 week vacation on that wedding. Well that means she has another week vacation, you think she would even think about spending any of that time with my family who she saw for a total of 5 hours in a year when she sees and does stuff with her husband all the time. My husband always says what do you expect you know how your mom is but I would have thought after arguing with me that I wasn't going to see her and then I made it work so she would that she would think of us but no. Another thin that upset me was when we were in the car coming home Justin wanted to play and she kept complaining that she was tired and she didn't want to play and she just pretended to sleep. She sees Justin one time a year for 5 hours she couldn't just play with him in the car. If she is human she is going to regret this when he is older and wants nothing to do with her the way she is with him. I swear he was not being annoying or pushy or anything she just didn't want to play. She just wanted to have adult conversation and you can't always do that with a little one. OK we are done with that negative and thanks for letting me vent that out. Here are some pictures at Sea World.

This was Justin's favorite part. He loved the stingrays. He loved touching them and them splashing at him. He had such a blast feeding them and didn't want to leave them it was so cute.
Here's the dolphins Justin was in amazement of them I couldn't even get him to look at me for a picture because he was so amazed by them.

This is my brother, mom, Justin, myself and Tim when we got back from Sea World around 3:30 before they left we took a family picture.
This was us at the resort and Justin catching the rays and trying to get a tan. How cute is he?

This was cool the Lego store in Florida made a huge lego of Woody from Toy Story. Here Justin trying on a pair of Mickey ears.
Grandma's orange tree.
Disney castle. Family picture
We had a great time and lots of fun. Justin didn't want to come home he pretended to sleep in our suitcase. It was cute had to take his picture.

On a ruff patch

He hasn't been good this week. The listening skills have been terrible and now he is doing something weird to his face that we brought him back to his eye doctor on Monday and he gave us drops thinking maybe it was an infection in his eye that he couldn't see that was causing him to make this face as if he had a stroke. It is kind of scary. If after 10 days he continues to make the face then we will have to bring him to a neurologist. I pray it isn't anything serious. We are also unfortunately getting him tested for ADHD. We think this may be a possibility of his issues. I have been told I have been denying that he has that problem but I just don't want to drug up my kid. I want him to still have spunk about him but I also want him to be able to control himself.


We will see what happens. We don't have an appointment till February. I just don't know what to do anymore so I figured lets get him tested to rule it out. I didn't like when I looked it up that he had every single thing on there. I hope I was just looking to far into it and he doesn't have it. But the sudden outbursts and him crying for no reason and not knowing why. Or just snapping on a dime at you and later can't explain why he did it. The weird part about it though is he is just so smart. He would be brilliant if he could just listen to the teacher and stop getting into trouble and that is why I am getting him tested. It is the hardest thing. I don't want him to be labeled if he is but I feel it has to be done so he can get to his full potential and so that our family can be sane. It is a rocky boat. The teacher asked me today if we were planning to adopt again and I said yes we want to. Then she asked if we have kids in our neighborhood and told her we don't have a neighborhood we live in the country on 6 acres of land with farm land around us so no kids. Then she asked if there are other kids in the family and I told her know his second cousin is the next Youngest at 17 years old so he is the only child. When I was talking to her she thought his talking with other kids was getting out of control and she thinks he gets so excited to talk to other kids because he doesn't get to. I told her I try to set up play dates but there are maybe 2 or 3 a month because I work Tim works and the parents don't want to drive all the way to see us and it is a bit of a hassle because it isn't close to our home but we do it for him. She doesn't know why he tends to have a listening problem like he can't sit still and listen he will get into mastiff. We will see what happened.

On a positive we are leaving for Florida on Jan 21 next Friday in a week and so excited for a vacation we need it. Work and issues we have been having with Justin just need to relax and have fun in the sun. I can't wait.

Also on Wednesday I got a call from a lawyers office I had not been to in two years. I went because I was interested in adopting an older child at the time in another state. Well the lawyer told me I had a retainer fee of $12,000 to him and then I would have to pay to go to this state and to pay the other adoption places fees and it was racking up the money fast so he I declined and he said he would keep our birth mom letter and if a birth mom chooses us then we can adopt that way and it would be cheaper. Well guess what, now over 2 years later we get a call. Birth mom is 9 weeks pregnant this is her 3rd adoption and she is going to be evicted from her house and we would have to pay $2,400 for her to keep her place and then $1,200 a month until the baby is 6 weeks and then we still have a $12,000 retainers we have to pay the attorney plus pay for her attorney and then we have to buy all this stuff when the baby come it was costing with all the add ons it would cost us $25,000-$30,000 . I just knew we didn't have the money. We could come up with it but we would be in the hole and I just in the economy want to be that far in debt. I knew though that if we didn't have Justin that we probably would have jumped at the chance because we were so desperate to be parents. Know that we have him it is weird how priorities have changed. I am sure if it was Catholic Social Services calling or DHS we probably would have taken them up on that child but it was just to much money and we had to think about everything but it was an exciting moment that we finally were chosen by a birth mom but it was unfortunate that it just was not right for us. We have to see what the future holds.

Hip Hip Horray

Follow up on my earlier post he was in the green and in a great mood. Another great day. I am so happy and he is so happy as well. Just wanted to share my excitement with all. :)

Full steam ahead

I am so happy. The holidays are over and we right now have a happy family. Not that I don't like the holiday's because I do so much but it was my dad's favorite time of the year and it makes me miss him even more near Christmas and reading "The Night Before Christmas" book to Justin on Christmas eve the same book my dad reed to be every Christmas eve choked me up as I reed it to him and Tim as I wished my dad were here to see him and how proud he would be.

Not only as you can imagine was it hard for me but it was harder on Justin. He wouldn't tell us or open up to much about to us but it has been a hectic couple of months with him since about the middle of October we have struggled with him. I know you all haven't heard from me during that time much but it is because I don't like to complain but or say anything negative about this little boy I have dreamed about but I wish people were a little more real and told you what it was really like to adopt an older child because I thought I knew and could imagine but I had no idea. I think the blog missing pieces or I think it is know called perfect pieces I can really relate to in so many ways as she is honest and raw about it and she helped me not feel so alone and I bet she has no idea that she really helped those days I wanted to blog but just didn't want to say anything negative because unless you live with this little boy and have adopted an older child you don't understand the feelings.

Don't get me wrong at all I love him to death and he is an excellent kid. It is those moods you are not ready for that come up and bit you. I know all kids have tantrums and no child is perfect but these issues are like no other. It had got to the point were I was almost scared for Tim and I as we had fought like we never had before. Before Justin I would never in my wildest dreams think anything could break us we had gone through a lot together. But when the stress mounts and you both can't agree on how to parent it becomes kind of crazy. Now I know you should both be on the same page and before Justin we knew how to parent but with the stressful issues that come up from adopting an older child through foster care that you didn't imagine would go so unplanned it tends to through your world up and sometimes you just don't know what to do anymore because you feel like you tried everything and now you both start to argue. Not good and of course never intended. So we think this all started in October before his birthday and before the adoption and Christmas and I think it was all a little to much for him. He was acting out and in a bad way. It was hard and now looking back I don't know how we got through it but we did and so happy we did.

Let me describe it this way. When he is good he is very very good and when he is bad it is horrid. I don't know how else to describe it but it is an emotional roller coaster ride. I really do understand what he has been through I could only imagine and never know but like I told my mother in law that is no way to talk to people that love and support you and he needs to understand that or if we let him get away with it what is he going to be like when he gets older. He is doing good academically in school. I honestly think he is ridiculously smart as of last year he didn't know how to write his name or how to count to 3 or even know ABC or colors or shapes. He is way beyond that now starting to read small books at 6 and teacher says he is at a 1st grade reading level which is awesome for a kindergartner. But behavior wise he was getting in a lot of trouble there and at home. One day the teacher called to tell me he was in red which is the worst and what he did was just crazy but when he got home he cheered he was in the green and had a great day. We gave him opportunity after opportunity to tell the truth but he refused even after spending almost 45 minutes in time out in the corner. He refused we told him he would stay there till he told us the truth. Then we started telling him every 5 minutes he doesn't tell the truth we take a present we were going to give him for Christmas away because we tried everything to get him to tell us. I think it upset us that we felt we came so far with him and yet he can look us straight in our face and lie. And he was convincing. If the teacher didn't call me I would have believed him. As Tim was calling Santa after we unwrapped 2 presents he wasn't getting from us he finally just started to cry and finally asked us how we knew. It was hard and felt hard for us to even believe him and that was only one of vary many issues we were dealing with. Bedtime every night became a nightmare. I hated bedtime. He would start fights just to fight. He would egg you on constantly and the talking back and not doing what he was told at all and doing the opposite are only a few of the lighter things he was doing.

Yeah all of a sudden he celebrated New Years with us and family and yes he stayed up the whole time and wanted to party longer he changed. He became the old Justin again. I mean the old Justin because he is a very loving and caring person and cares for others feeling and he does behave. He has an extreme amount of energy as the teacher describes that he is 5 kids in one but he for the most part is awesome. But like I said when he is bad it is horrible. For for 2 months which felt like 2 years of craziness he has finally calmed down and is his awesome self. Full steam ahead. This past week has been awesome and like we told him is he is in green all this week he would get 5 stars from us we would got to the monster truck show this weekend. So I hope and I think he will be in green and we would have another great day. I can't tell you what a happy that makes me. These days we enjoy his company and each other so much more. I feel like we went back to being a real family. Not like we weren't before but it is a happy one. One that it should be. It is not always going to be roses but at least if another outburst like that happens again I just how we are ready to be able to help he get through the hurdle a little fast then this time.

Happy time. Below is a picture of us at a friends house on New Year and some Christmas family pictures. Enjoy and Happy New Year!