Saturday, April 16, 2011

We need your HELP situation with some kids came up and not sure what to do

I got a call on Tuesday that there are 2 kids that can be very possible adopted as birth mom has not tried on bit to get the kids back and in 3 month they will determine that this should go to termination. This sounded very promising and it was a boy and a girl 6 and 4. I can't give much more information on them but I was very interested and they were at a foster home that was not through DHS but subcontracted out so I had to sign some paper work on Thursday that I would follow this subcontractors rules since they are a little more strict then DHS because they are held to a higher standard because they are a private agency. So we signed the paper work and talked a bit and we told her our intent to foster to adopt then she asked if we were willing to foster the 10 year old sibling that is at another foster home. I didn't even know that there was another sibling. I was taken back because now that changes things. I told her would would only take in 1-2 more kids because we already had Justin. She said okay because if this does become an adoptable situation then we would be looking for a family to adopt all 3 and if we find one they would be taken away from you to got to a home for them. Now I am totally agreeing that siblings should stay together especially when they have meet and know each other but I am not willing to have 4 kids with Justin. I think having 2 more kids is going to be hard enough let alone 3.This really sounds like an adoptable situation. I told them since these kids have been moved several time why don't they then look for a family that will be willing to take in all 3. She said because they don't have any. If they don't find any by the time these kids are available for adoption then we will get to adopt the 2 and do visitation with the 10 year old. I have to decide by Monday and I don't know what to do Please Help! I need to make a desion. Do I take in these 2 kids and hope that I can adopt them but then I feel horrible for the 10 year old or do I pass on this. I can't just think of Tim and I but Justin. He really wants a sibling but I don't want to keep these kids in our home for say a year and then they are adoptable and because we were not willing to take in 3 more kids that we lose them and we would be attached but I don't want that to effect Justin with people in and out of his life when he is doing really good. I am so torn. We were already to take these 2 kids in we had things planned out what we wanted to do with sleeping arrangement and how to decorate and all then come to find out DHS didn't tell us everything (big surprise) and it tosses everything in the air. Please tell me what you would do in this scenario. thanks you so much I need some help preferably by Monday so I can tell them what we decided.


  1. if it were me, I would just pray my heart out. God will know what is best for those kids and also for your family. Its so hard because after struggling so hard with infertility, you don't want to say no. But then there it Justin to consider. It so much harder when its just not you and your husband anymore. I wish I could tell you yes or no, but I can't.
    One other thought is, these situations do seem to come up every so often. You've said no a few times now, but then a few months down the road, they tell you about another situation. I don't believe you will have to say no to every situation for ever, I think someday the right one will come up and you will know in your heart that it is the right one for your family.
    Good luck, you are in my prayers.

  2. This is a tough one. There is so much risk involved. And so much to think about for the children and your family.

    I would definitely ask, "Why is the 10 year old separated from the other two?" "How long has it been since they were separated?" "Do they see each other regularly and how do they interact when together?" "Is the family that has the 10 year old interested in adopting? if not, "Why not?"

    Once a child is 10 the chances of them being adopted is MUCH less likely (and if it is a boy then even more unlikely.) That is why they are using the younger siblings to influence you to take all three. Kinda like bribery. It is sad, really sad, that they have to do this but honestly it might be the only way the 10 year old will be adopted.

    I know that none of that helps you, it's just general info.

    I can't tell you yes or no. I wish it was that easy. And to be really honest...there are THREE relatives(4,5&6) of my four adopted children that are going to be available for adoption in the next few months and I have been praying about it and talking to my hubby about us taking them. That would give us 12 children. The reason I would even consider it is because these three children lived with and were very close to my two oldest children. My Delaney misses one of them desperately. There has also been talk of them splitting the children if they can't find a home for all three. They have always been together and I think that would be a tragic mistake for them. But with some siblings it is best. My four have two other siblings that were adopted by another family. We were asked to take them and told a similar thing, about moving my two if we didn't take the other two. We told them no because they didn't interact well, and we knew that Peyton was coming in a couple of weeks. They found another adoptive home for them and they were adopted separately and never see each other. It is sad but the best at this time.

    Gotta split my comment...continued below.

  3. Trauma kids interact so differently than children that were raised in a good stable home without abuse. The 10 year old may have been the caregiver of the younger two and it might be in their best interest to be adopted separately so they can just be a kid. Or the 10 year old might be a great help with them and it might be detrimental to separate them. Every situation is so different.

    Even in considering only the two younger children you need to know about special needs and behavior issues with them. Jackson and Delaney were 5 and 4 when we got them. Jackson had behavior issues the second day he was here and it hasn't stopped yet 2.5 years later.

    I have no regrets in adopting my four. Our plan was to adopt ONE little girl between the ages of 6 and 10. I really have a heart for the older children and sibling groups. Thought we would adopt an older child but God had a sibling group for us.

    Pray. Talk to your hubby. Decide if you would be open AT ALL to taking all 3. If you are then you definitely need to take the two younger ones. If you would never consider it then find out as much as you can about the 10 year old. If the 10 year old has a lot of problems you can almost be assured that no one will take all three and the risk will be less.

    If you are open to the possibility of all three then make sure you watch them interact. You might find that during visits the 10 year old is good for the two younger ones. You might consider having the 10 year old for a weekend to see if you could make it work. Never mentioning the possibility of them staying only a fun sleepover so the 10 year old doesn't become confused and hurt by the situation.

    I will say that three is a hard number. Esp. with the two boys being so close in age the little girl may be the odd one out which will make for tons of fighting and fussing. I am talking from experience here. Raleigh 8 and Jackson 7 are best buds. Delaney is left out all the time. She has no one to play with and it causes serious fusses and hurt feelings. We do have separation issues due to past inappropriateness so that plays into this but it is still something to think about.

    If the older one is helpful and close to the younger ones then they could be a play mate for the odd one out and make things easier. And if the 10 year old is a good student and well behaved they would be a good role model for the younger ones.

    It is just sooooo much to consider. So much to think about. And I just gave you even more to think about...sorry.

    Get as much info as you can. Make a list of questions. This is a huge decision and if you are still not sure on Monday ask them to give you more time.

    Praying for your family and these kiddos. (so sorry this got so long)