Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas to all and happy hoildays!

It is Christmas morning at 6:45 am and I am down here typing anxiously waiting for the little guy to wake up for the moment I have waited 4 and a half years for. I am so excited. I got the video camera all charge and the camera and while I was laying in bed I kept thinking I heard him but it wasn;t so I figured while I am so excited for this moment that I would share it with all of you. I just can't believe this day is here. Yeah we don't know till January 13 if we get to keep him but that I get to share this day with an amazing little boy. This was all I asked for and hoped for and it is finally here. O my god I am tearing up typing this. Probably because I am remember being so down and sad on Christmas between my dad and family not being here and not having my own family (a child) to get me excited for them. I am so happy I am here right now and I never thought this day would ever come. But it is finally here and it feels fantastic. For those who are still waiting for there moment I am thinking of you and praying that next Christmas you can too enjoy this feeling because it is great and emotional all at the same time. I can't express how happy I feel and how whole I am. I think I will feel complete when I hear those word that rights were terminated. Till then I am just enjoying the moment I am having with him especially the one I will be having a few minutes when he gets up. heeheee I feel like a little kid waiting for Santa and I am waiting for him to have that same feeling I felt on Christmas morning. Can't wait.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I have to post to say congradulations!

One of my first blogging friends and one of the nicest people have just found out they are finally chosen to adopting a baby!
Congratulations to Savannah and Josh. I couldn't be more happier. They are just excellent people and have been waiting so long and have been through so many ups and down that when I found out I almost fell out of my seat with excitement. I was so compelled to post a congratulations. We have talked so much before about our infertility and need for adoption and she has been so helpful to me and supportive from the very begining that I am just so happy this is happening for them. I always wanted to thank her so much for getting me through so many days that I was just down and need some support from someone who knew what I was going through and she was there and there more then most of my friends and I appreciated that greatly. They are going to be the best parents and I couldn't be more happier for this wonderful couple. :) :) :)

Friday, December 4, 2009

Please let me vent

Okay I first like to say thank you so much for the love and support from everyone and all the nice things that have been said. I appreciate them all.
I do have to vent or write to feel better. So my friend that I talked about in the past that has been trying to get pregnant for less then a year and who has cried to me that she knows how I feel and all of that is pregnant. I don't know why but it has been botheringme since she told me yesterday. I have to see her today for a Christmas party and I don't know how to not be fake. I am digging deep to feel happy for her and I guess you have to know her is why it is so hard to feel happy for her. She is a nervous nelly and everything is a big deal and she can find a negative in the most positive things. Last year I blogged about when my friend Tricia got pregnant that My friends Sabrina was upset and leaning on me saying how she wants a baby so bad and it was just because everyone else had it. Well talking to her yesterday after she told me and I asked if she was happy and she just kept saying really nervous and scared and making a big deal out of the little stuff like she got that test to see if the baby has any down syndrome and she is waiting for the results and all of that. I told her this is what you wanted you should be happy.She says I know but I am just nervous about it all. I remember back when Tricia got pregnant that she said Tricia always said negative things and she should just be happy that she can have what we can't and what does she do. Like I said I don't know why this is bothering me so much and I wish it didn't. I truly truly don't want an infant at all but I guess the idea of never being able to experience it or to know that , that part of my life is taken away just bothers me. I guess knowing I can't have it like every other women makes me feel almost like a failure as a women. I know I am not but it is just like can I get ahead ever. Everyone around you sometimes makes you feel like they get what they want when they want it and I feel like my husband and I have just fought to get everything and we are still fighting to get everything. Like you all know this little boy the rights have not been termed yet and it scares me to death. So since I was so down on myself last night I said to time if this falls through with this little boy we are leaving the state to get a fresh start where people don't know you and you don't have to be fake with your emotions in front of people because they don't know your background. I wish I didn't feel this way but I am being very open and honest right now. I think I need to be to get this all out to feel better. I just don't like feeling this way and I found out about our other friend Tricia at this time too and it is like again. I truly want to feel happy and not selfish but I am just I guess mourning the loss of infertility. I just want to go tonight and give her a hug and congratulate her and it be honest feelings not just masked. So yeah it is hard and I wish I can just brush it off since I have my big exam tomorrow and I need to focus. Thanks for listening and letting me get it all out.