Okay I first like to say thank you so much for the love and support from everyone and all the nice things that have been said. I appreciate them all.
I do have to vent or write to feel better. So my friend that I talked about in the past that has been trying to get pregnant for less then a year and who has cried to me that she knows how I feel and all of that is pregnant. I don't know why but it has been botheringme since she told me yesterday. I have to see her today for a Christmas party and I don't know how to not be fake. I am digging deep to feel happy for her and I guess you have to know her is why it is so hard to feel happy for her. She is a nervous nelly and everything is a big deal and she can find a negative in the most positive things. Last year I blogged about when my friend Tricia got pregnant that My friends Sabrina was upset and leaning on me saying how she wants a baby so bad and it was just because everyone else had it. Well talking to her yesterday after she told me and I asked if she was happy and she just kept saying really nervous and scared and making a big deal out of the little stuff like she got that test to see if the baby has any down syndrome and she is waiting for the results and all of that. I told her this is what you wanted you should be happy.She says I know but I am just nervous about it all. I remember back when Tricia got pregnant that she said Tricia always said negative things and she should just be happy that she can have what we can't and what does she do. Like I said I don't know why this is bothering me so much and I wish it didn't. I truly truly don't want an infant at all but I guess the idea of never being able to experience it or to know that , that part of my life is taken away just bothers me. I guess knowing I can't have it like every other women makes me feel almost like a failure as a women. I know I am not but it is just like can I get ahead ever. Everyone around you sometimes makes you feel like they get what they want when they want it and I feel like my husband and I have just fought to get everything and we are still fighting to get everything. Like you all know this little boy the rights have not been termed yet and it scares me to death. So since I was so down on myself last night I said to time if this falls through with this little boy we are leaving the state to get a fresh start where people don't know you and you don't have to be fake with your emotions in front of people because they don't know your background. I wish I didn't feel this way but I am being very open and honest right now. I think I need to be to get this all out to feel better. I just don't like feeling this way and I found out about our other friend Tricia at this time too and it is like again. I truly want to feel happy and not selfish but I am just I guess mourning the loss of infertility. I just want to go tonight and give her a hug and congratulate her and it be honest feelings not just masked. So yeah it is hard and I wish I can just brush it off since I have my big exam tomorrow and I need to focus. Thanks for listening and letting me get it all out.