Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas from our family to yours

Just wanted to with you all a Merry Christmas and if I don't write before and a Happy New Year. I have to admit it does feel good to have a son and have a our first Christmas as a family. Yes last year we were together but this year he is really ours and it feels great. Sure it has been rocky I can't deny that but I can't wait to celebrate Christmas and watch him open Santa's presents and know he is ours and this is our family. I know adoption is the path that is less chosen and I think because of the hard time. It is an up hill battle I am not going to lie but it is so worth it in the end. You have to be strong to do it and it takes a lot out of you. And it will always be with you. I couldn't be more happy in my life. I wish you all the best as well those who have also adopted this year and those who are on there path and those who are doing what is right for them right now I wish you all the best and hope more happiness to follow or to come next year.

Merry Christmas! Love Tim, Susie and Justin

Sunday, December 12, 2010

In good times and in bad adoption

Yesterday we went to Christmas town in Frankenmuth. Since I moved to Michigan I couldn't wait to bring my child to experience it with us. We bundled up and headed out. We went to Bronners which is this big Christmas store that stays open all year and has nothing but Christmas stuff everywhere. Then we walked around the Christmas town going to to fudge shops seen below with my husband and Justin. It was cool. We got to watch horse and buggy and Justin just loved that. We ate at a little pizza place because the two big chicken places there that they are known for chicken were packed I mean packed. The wait was 2 to 2 hrs and 15 minutes long. We had so much fun and just was passed out sleeping on the way home. We asked if he had fun and he said yes but wasn't to fond of the walking. I have a ton more pictures but how many can you post.
We built a Gingerbread house yesterday morning before leaving for Frankenmuth. He loves to make these things. I thought it came out really well.
Now to what has been happening. We talked about the happy stuff now lets talk about the real stuff. I know in my last post which was a while ago I had mentioned about these 5 kids and someone responded asking me for information on them. I truthfully don't have any information. My friend told me about them on his adoption party and then I asked about them like 2 weeks ago and she said she will call her neighbor to find out. Never heard back then my friend called me on Friday to say she talked to her neighbor and her neighbor would talk to the lady who is fostering these kids and either give her my number or I will get her number. Well I was suppose to be getting a call back from my friend on Friday to tell me what happened but I didn't hear back so that is what happened with that.
Okay Justin has been going through some tuff times and it is getting hard for me. I don't know how to answer some things. He knows mostly everything but he keeps asking me questions. I don't know how much detail to go into at 6 years old. But he knows way above his age. My husband and I handle it differently. My husband is a little more selfish and tells me that Justin is going to break my heart because the first place he will go at 18 will be his birth moms home or as Justin calls her his old mom. I tell my husband that might be a wake up call for him to see and read about his profile and why he was in care and what happened and then see his birth mom. I don't know when he gets older but right now has no interest with birth dad. But I told Tim if he wanted me to go with him to see his birth mom I would. Even if it is hard because knowing what she did to him but I would do it for him and Tim totally disagrees.
Justin had made a comment after our bedtime reading when I told him do you know how much mom loves you and he said really slyly "but your not my real mom". I held it together and told him yes I am. I didn't have to give birth to you to be your real mom. I am raising you and you will be in our lives for the rest of your life. We are your parents and I am your mom. I also explained how hurtful he was and that wasn't nice. We have talked about this before and he knows. I know some of you will say well he is only 6 and he was just stating how he feels but you have to understand at the same token we have discussed this a bunch even with the counselor and he understands. He is a very bright 6 year old that is way beyond his years. He sometimes likes to get a rise or upset you almost like he is hurting so he wants to make others hurt. I can tell my the way he looked at me and said it he said it very slyly and had his smirk on after he said it. As you all know it hurt and hurt badly. I understand you shouldn't take it personally but he is my son and I have waited a very long time for this and love him more then anything and it hurts when I know he is trying to be hurtful so that is why I expressed that it was mean and hurtful to mom that you said that. I would never try to hurt him. My husband then came upstairs because I think he can hear that I was starting to cry and he came up. I can tell my husband was mad because he hates seeing me upset. He has seen me upset for way to long between my dad and the invetro and the roller coaster of adoption and we finally got what we wanted and the last thing my husband wanted was to see me cry. It was hard but my husband explained to him how this family works and stays by each other. Justin thinks he may be all alone again sometime because he thinks all adults go to jail. I tried to explain to him that would never ever happen in this family but I don't think he believed it. He think grandma and grandpa and his aunts and uncles and everyone would. We have been going to counseling but I don't know if it is working. I have mixed emotions. I don't want to go to a new counselor because he trusts them but I want him to progress and I don't feel like that is happening. He has know this counselor for over a year and change is hard for him.
I keep questioning if I want to adopt another older child. He wasn't that old Justin was 4 turning 5. I just think maybe I should put ages 0-3 on there instead of 0-7. You have to be really strong and thick skinned to be a foster adoptive parents to children over the age of 3. yes at 3 or 2 they would still have issues to deal with but they may not be as sever as a 4 or 5 year old. I know this is a sensitive subject but right now I am speaking out of emotion. I am torn do we adopt again do we make Justin an only child. I don't think I have that thick of skin. I am an emotional person who likes to love. I want to help other kids but sometimes I don't know if I can do all this again. We have come a long way but how long does this continue.
In the car on the way home from Frankenmuth he out of the blue asked if he will ever see his mom again and if she will always be in a place that she is in now for being bad. My husband said without me saying anything he said no you won't . I disagree with his response. I don't want him to think of Tim as a liar when he realizes when he gets bigger. I questioned in my head to say anything. This is all new to us and I felt like I have always been open and honest with him but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to cause a fight in the car or to have Tim feel like I under minded him in front of Justin. We got home so late last night that Tim and I haven't talked about it and now Justin is up so it will have to wait but how do you do this when you both don't agree. We agreed if we had a baby we would be open with the parents and have open communication but Tim feels in this situation he is taking it personally that after what they did to him it angers him and that he doesn't want him to ever have contact with them because how can you do that to a kid. I agree in my head I don't want him to want to contact them and I think any parent who adopts a child that is a bit older and the rights were taken away not voluntarily wouldn't want there child going back to them in fear that they might hurt there child or make them depressed which can lead to drugs and life long issues, or may make the child feel bad for them wanting there approval and which may lead to the child disappointment or the child being taken advantage of. I don't want this for him. But I feel being a good parents I have to suck it up and be there for him not his birth mom but to support him. My husband just feels there were bad things that happened because of them but Justin will find out either way that he can see them and may be mad at my husband for lying to him. I think Justin will need support but I don't want to have to pump my 6 year old that he can see his birth mom one day if he chooses to because I can see him working this against us. I know him and I think that would be like feeding a monster.
I think this discussion may have to happen with Justin in his teens. If he has question about them as he grows up I will tell him and show him but he is to young to hear all the details of his life and I don't want him to spiral out of control. I think we need to get him under control first before telling him any of this. For the most part he is doing great. This isn't happening all the time but these are the issues that have happened since I last blogged that I didn't think would get worse but get better. I can see what my husband is saying that he will break my heart because I already see it happening and I hope I can snag it in time.
I just know in the car he kept on insisting that he will always think of his old mom and never will forget or get her out of his mind. I told him that is fine. She is your birth mom and I understand that you will always have love for her and won't forget but what is not okay is thinking of bad things about them and then treating us, extended family or the teacher badly because of it. We are all here trying to help you not go against you or fight you and you need to work with us. We will talk about it with you and cry about it with you but you just can't keep taken it out on everyone and being mean and bad to everyone because then it gets you into trouble. You have to start thinking of happy things. I told him it is fine to think of her just think in a happy way not a bad way. He stated he can't and he will always think that way. It is hard for my husband and I because we are trying to raise him the right way so he is not involved with the law and drugs and that but if he continues as stubborn as he is this way I am afraid for him. These are the good time and bad. I don't know how else to address this sensitive subject without getting him upset or myself. I don't know how to bring it down to a 6 year old level and the counselor I don't think is doing it. I need to find a way.
He played the other day with a kid from his school that was also adopted to his parents at 4 years old but he never wants to see his old family as they did very bad things as well and rights were taken away and he remembers the bad things and won't except it and is very grateful to his parents. Just said mom I wish we can adopt him so I can play and talk and have fun with him. That little boy is the same age as Justin and seemed to help him. He kept asking again about a brother or sister to adopt. I don't know if it is just to play with or if it is just to have something in common with. I started thinking that after he played with that little boy. I told him he can play more with that little boy. Justin says mom you always say that and I have only played with him twice. See we live on field so there is no neighbors where the kids at his school all have neighbors so to the parents me calling is like them trying to work us in there schedule I feel like. I try to get them together but something is always going on and either we are busy or they are and it is hard to get us together. I told him I will try but there is only so much I can do. So of course Justin says just adopt. Right now I don't know what we are going to do we will see what comes to us. I did get a call on a 9 year old with 2 older sisters but we had to pass. To old and to many issues and I don't feel the 9 year old would even want to play with Justin nor are we questioning what age we would even want. We will see what good decides to give us baby or older. I guess I am just putting my heart out there. We will see what the future holds.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

It is official HE IS OURS FOREVER!!! YEAH

We will start out with Halloween. This is us in his class for Halloween party I helped out. He was Dracula. Unfortunately he was sick that day so we went to the doctor and they said he had a sinus infection and the start of pink eye so we got him medicine right away to be better for Halloween. That is why he doesn't look so happy.This was Halloween. He was all better and ready to have a blast. Our first house was grandma and grandpa. He got a lot of candy and we went from 5 to 9 and it was fun I have is on video.
This was his 6th birthday 2 days after Halloween. I don't want to say anything negative because this was a joyous time but I don't want to make pretend that everything was perfect either for those who may think to foster to adopt. This is not to get anyone to steer away from fostering to adopt at all because it is a wonderful thing but with the ups of course comes the down and I want to be real because sometimes when you read blogs or hear people talk they sometimes want to make it as if it is such a perfect thing all the time that I sit back and say am I the only one going through this. The reason I bring this up was because for a week and a half before his finalization on November 5th to our family Justin acted up in such a way I have never ever seen before. He has had his moments but he just went to the end and just started to make me second guess if I can be a mom. I love him with all my heart but I felt almost like he was mad or didn't love us. Now I know he was just turning 6 and I know that is young and all he had gone through but it hurt and it hurt bad. He would snap on a dime and just be so mean and I mean he wouldn't listen and he is not normally like that at all. I know things had to be on his mind even though he would tell us they weren't. I can tell it was bitter sweat for him. I think from how I was asking questions he told me he would never want to go back to his old parents and he is going to live in our house forever and have his wife live here too he said (hahahah). But he gave us hell. When I said to go in a time out he wouldn't go I had to pick him up and carry him and he would be screaming, kicking and throwing a tantrum like a 3 year old. Then I get him in time out and he is mocking me and I tell him you better not step off that couch and what does he do jump off the couch and stare me down like what are you going to do about it. Then starts throwing things and going crazy. Although you see these smiles on his face especially on his birthday below that was the worst night and day and he went to bed crying to sleep. I felt horrible but how many warnings can you give. He was mean and rude to grandma, grandpa and us and very disrespectful we tried times outs while they were hear to see if he would improve but it just made him worse when he came back so unfortunately he went to bed crying but on a positive he I did try to give him a great day we went to any restaurant he wanted and we went to chuck e cheese and he had a blast and went to a party store to get stuff for his adoption party and he got little things as different stores we went to but there were a lot of warnings.
This is the birthday cake I made him for his birthday.FINALLY it is here. November 5th 2010 Justin is officially ours and the haven't seen a tantrum since. He is acting like his normal self with a little more love then before he loves to know he has our name and says it all the time and asks for family hugs and family time. It is really cute. This was on our adoption day. We are not saying gottcha day we leave that to October 5 th when he came into our home but it was adoption day for him and it was such a proud and happy moment but I have to admit it was very fast. It took like 7 minutes and that was it. But I am happy my in laws can come and celebrate with us it meant a lot. Yeah he is ours he is Justin Timothy
The next day November 6th was his adoption party. He had the time of his life. We had 82 people at our house we had a bounce house our trampoline, a pinyata and presents and lots of love. Hope you enjoy watching him have the time of his life as he enjoyed his party. I can't tell you enough that the day was awesome. There was so much love from people and so happy for him to be part of our family it was amazing. The only thing that was missing that I have to admit hurt was my mom not coming and being on board. Everyone was asking where she was and it hurt but all in all it was the best party. People gave me adoption plaques just for Tim and I and gave Justin a gift too. Someone gave a special picture frame that stated " you don't have to be born into a family to be a big part of one". Aww sweat. I also got a stepping stone that has our adoption invite picture that is one the cake below in a stepping stone that was beautiful that said Justin November 5 2010. It was just awesome. I hope you enjoy the pictures as much as I do.
It was so awesome. I have to laugh though because during this party I had one of my best girlfriends come up to me to tell me that her neighbor saw the adoption invitation didn't know that we adopted him and that she thought we had him and said that her friend fosters there 5 kids that are siblings and need a home and that even if I can adopt 2 that would help tremendously and that we of course would have to co mite to seeing the other siblings. Of course I would love to know the others would be adopted by someone too because I hate to separate sibling but I guess no one was willing to take all 5 and now they are trying to split them up. I would love to if I knew they others were adopted and I knew by who and would love if they were like us and wanted to see them see each other every opportunity they got because I feel that is important. She said she will tell me more details. You never know what can happen. I have actually put that on the back burner for a little while while we just wanted it to be official before we jumped into something else because a lot has been going on with work and Justin and Halloween, his birthday, adoption day and the party and the issues Justin was having we have scrapped the idea for more kids till everything became official. We laughed because of course it came up the day after Justin's adoption and that night after everyone left Justin's party he had no idea that my friend brought this up but he said "mom can we adopt a brother and a sister. I had so much fun playing with all these kids I think it would be so much fun to have a brother and a sister. I explained to him that there is a possibility but that he would have to understand he has to share everything with them what is his is there's and if it was one brother and 1 sister that the brother would have to share a room but then he was excited and said that would be cool then dad will buy us bunk bed." Then I asked him why a sister he said " because I can help take care of here and help. I thought this was ironic. He actually looks forward to having other kids in the home. Then he explained he had a lot of cousins he played with when he was with his old mom. So I guess he does really mean it. Well one chapter has closed and another one is just beginning and we will see where our journey takes us now. For now we are 3 strong. And we are so happy together. We are just having a blast. So we have had our ups and downs but experiencing where we are at now I am so happy I hung on for the ride. It was a roller coaster but I am on cloud nine right now. Can't explain this feeling but typing this tears fill my eyes with happiness. Until next time our journey has just begun. Yeah he is our forever!!!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Our court date for adoption is here yeah!!!!

I am sorry it has been so long. So much has been going on I have had no time even for myself. Lets start out by saying my sister in laws wedding September 18th was awesome. Justin had blast. I actually meet someone from my blog. I meet Rebekkah from "Heart Cries" and I knew she lived not that far from me but what are the chances she would be at my sister in laws wedding. Well I guess pretty good. We were in the bathroom I was fixing my hair and she was washing her hands and I looked right at her like I knew her just not sure where from then it hit me my blog. I have been following her blog ever since she went to pick up her sweet Ty. It was awesome. We talked so much. She actually is looking into fostering to adopt now and it was great. I beat some of you are thinking how was she at the wedding but her husband works with my brother in law. Any way we had an awesome time.

We were kind of down because we were hoping we would have got the answer about the appeal before the wedding so we can cut loose and just relax because you can feel everyone had a little tension. You know how things go the adoption worker and the social worker both said you will find out between 2 day to a week. Well the appeal date for them to go over the case was September 15. The wedding was the 18th. So we were squirming but I didn't let my sister or brother in law see at all. I was the made of honor so I had a job to do. I did dance the night away I tried the best I could to push the appeal to the back of my head but it was so hard watching everyone enjoy Justin and have such a good time it would have been awesome to announce that Justin is ours.

Any way 2 weeks went by with no answer. I had my mother in law asking and my sister in law in Fiji calling to see if we heard. It was kind of scaring me because you would think if you got good news it would come kind of quick but if they were going against the appeal it would be longer to know. So I was freaking my self out. We checked the court of appeals website no joke 5-7 times a day to get an answer. Finally I broker down on September 30 crying that I just want this all to be over and I am so sick of this I wish my dad was here. I started really missing my dad. I wanted his support he always had for me. My mom by the way didn't even ask any time she was on the phone about Justin or even if there was an appeal so she just didn't ask anything. So that night I prayed and prayed to my dad to please get me through this we love this little guy so much I can't imagine my life without him. I checked the computer one last time to see if anything was posted and nothing.

I woke up the next day and said today is going to be a good day. I was going to work and leaving work early to help in Justin's class room for apple day. Before I left for work that day I decided not to look on the computer as to not be upset or turn the day because I did enough of that the day before. I was at work and I got a call from the adoption worker that the appeal was denied and Justin was ours and we can now process to adopt him. She called October 1. I was so excited I was crying at work (luckily I was leaving early) and just so emotional I couldn't even work. I call Tim and he was over the moon to. I e-mail everyone at work I had a lot of work friends crying. It was just awesome. So then I went to Justin's school and I debated with Tim weather to tell him or wait till after school because I didn't know how he would react. I knew that he would have mixed feeling excited to be ours but kind of down that it is all over and he for sure would never see his parents again. He must have picked it up when I was there because he kept asking what happened mom. I kept telling him I will tell you when we get home but we will go out to dinner where ever you wanted that night. So finally I told him because he just wouldn't stop hounding me and I was excited to. He was so excited. He jumped in my arms and just kept hugging me and telling me I love you mommy. He had never called me mommy. He always just calls me mom. He didn't want to let go of me. I also didn't want to let go of him but he was at school and the parents that helped had to leave. I also had a lot of errands to run. We went out to eat that night with grandma and grandpa too. It was a memorable day one I will never forget October 1.

Then I was told by the social worker and adoption worker that we will have a court day in two weeks. Well the social worker mailed everything to the court on October 1 and we waited and waited. They told us it would either be October 22 or 29. So my mother in law and me bought all these Halloween themed stuff. The reason the date was so important to me is because we wanted to do his adoption party the Saturday after his adoption in court. I also didn't want it to be to cold outside as I was hoping to rent a bouncer for the kids and all. Well we got the call this past Thursday finally on October 14 which is 2 weeks from when we found out that the date was for November 19th (and no this isn't adoption day). So I was questioning why so long. Why do we have to wait another month or actually over a month for a court day when they have court dates open in 2 weeks. I am just rushing this because I want it to be finial. I know in my heart he is ours I just don't want some things to happen in that time so I just want it all to happen and be final. So I when I called the adoption worker she said she is already talking to them to see what was up. She told me yesterday that in the case of an appeal they can't do anything for 28 days because I didn't understand this part but I guess if birth dad wanted to appeal again for it to go higher he can. Come on. He hasn't seen his son in over a year and Justin is scared to death of him. I just want him to please just go away. So the good news is the court moved the date to NOVEMBER 5 so the party will be the 6th. I told my husband about this appeal thing and I am sorry if people disagree but they give patents way to many rights. And if I could tell you everything that happened Justin should have been out of there at birth. But the system is the system without going into detail I just can't believe he can appeal this again. SO please pray smooth sailing from here on out. November 5th can't come quick enough but yeah.

During this court date waiting time our "Gotcha Day" was October the 5th. He had him one year that day. Again he was able to pick where he wanted to go to eat and he was able to pick up any toy he wanted ( by the way he picked a $6 cowboy gun set). We had ice cream and movie night at our house with our pj's on and the blankets on the couch it was awesome that one year ago he came into our lives to change them for the better forever. I am currently making him a scrapbook I am hoping to finish before his adoption party and I had an idea on the last page to put a picture of all 3 of us on a white paper and have everyone that came to the party to sign it as all these people are rooting for you and supporting you and loving you. I thought that would be a good idea and like I told him when he is older he can keep it and remember how much we love him and support him. Because when he is a teen he will probably for get all these little times and maybe start having questions about his old parents as he is already starting to forget things about them.

Also Justin's birthday is coming the first week in November too he will be 6. Sorry this is so long but I haven't been on in a long time and had to catch you all up. I also might be getting raise and a change in positions. I took my CPC (certified professional coder) test to be certified which is a hard test and it is 5hr 30 minutes long and you have a minute and a half per question and I passed that in June. So I wanted a certified coding job. Well I have been looking at job and been on interviews and actually got 2 job offerings but turned them down for what was being offered and my big company actually told us in the meeting this week they are going to the big boss to get a coding job approved and then will hire for a certified coder. I talked to my manager who said she knew that was going to spark an interest to me and the position is extremely challenging but if I am up for it she defiantly would like me to have the position but it has to get approved first and she said she doesn't see an issue with that. So yeah. Things seem to be on an up swing now. I finally feel I am getting my life in order. The is the best feeling I have had in a long time and I just am praying the 28 days goes by with no appeals and no more stress. yeah.

Anyway I have to get going I promise the Justin's school that we would be there this morning at 9 am on a Saturday (uggh) to help clean and maintain the outside of the school. I want to show Justin you have to help out your community and if you don't do it no one will and it makes your school look nicer and it is a good thing to do and you feel good doing it at the end of the day. Until then here is some pictures I will leave you with I know he has grown so much. :)

Saturday, September 11, 2010

September 15

So September 15 is the appeal hearing in Lansing and I couldn't be more excited. I don't know if we will hear that day as they put the decision on the appeals website then send a letter out a week later and you know I can't wait that long for a letter. So we just have to wait.

Today is my sister in laws bachlorette party and next week is the wedding were just will get to be a ring barrier. Very exciting for him. We have been keeping busy lately and try to get on more now that Justin is at school. He seems to have been having angry outburst lately I am not sure if that is because he just start school this week or that the adoption is almost done or maybe both but we have been going through a crazy roller coaster lately.

I totally don't mean to be negative but I have to get this off my chest so I can have a good time to night and not thing about this. I wish my dad were here. My mom makes me so mad. She won't say it but I know when we decided we were going to adopt I know she really wasn't on board with the idea. She is a very close minded person which is sad. I know Tim's parents were not sure about it but like I thought when we had a child they would fall in love and that would all go away. Well that totally happened with Tim's family. They adore him and will do absolutely anything for him and see him as our child. My mom DIFFERENT STORY. She makes me mad bad because she is so ignorant. Everyone that comes in contact with Justin loves him because he is loving and very out going and a funny engaging kid. My mom thinks he is a great kid and smiles and laughed the last time she saw him which by the way was when we went to Florida in February. But she never really sees him as ours and that makes me mad. When she calls she never ever asks to talk to him or asks how he is doing. I would think as a new grandma and your only grandchild that she would want to come out and visit at least even to visit us. The last time she has been out here is July 2007 right after my dad died. She hasn't been out here since and the only time she seer's us is when we go out there every year and she makes me feel bad to visit Tim's parents when they go out there for 3 month because I don't get to see her and I should spend all my time with here and she can give a crap about me or my family which makes me mad because now as a mom I don't understand it. I still hold a grudge that she never came out here to see Justin when he first came to our home. Ok so now this is why I bring her up because I told her that the appeal is on Sept 15 (which she didn't ask I just told her) and that the adoption lady thinks that it will take 2 weeks to get a finalize with the court and then we would possibly have an adoption party for Justin in October some time. She told me that is good. I asked are you going to come. Which then was awkward silence and then with work and my new husband's work and everything I don't think so. I wouldn't count on it. Then I asked if she would even consider it that it would mean a alot to Justin and she said she promise she will send a card and a gift so he knows they are thinking of him. I wanted to scream it is not about the money. Any time she didn't come out here before Justin she would always send money in a card and stuff and what she doesn't understand as many times as you tell her is it is not about the money it is about you showing your support.

I bring this up because I really wanted her to love Justin and accept him as ours but I can't force her. I really don't know if I want her in my life any more if she can't show an effort. I make and effort every time and she doesn't' do a thing. We are two totally different people and if you have been following my blog for a while you know we don't have the best relationships and that my dad and I were close and after his passing I have felt alone when it comes to my family. Luckily I have Tim's wonderful family but I wanted to share mine with Justin. I think what makes me want to sever ties is that if she wants to crap on Tim or myself fine I will let that fly but not Justin. I won't let her treat Justin that way. He has been through enough not to have a grandma be like that. He calls my mom "mom's mom". That is how he knows her. I don't ask him even to call her grandma even though he knows she is because she has never made an effort. I am really opening this up but any thought? I am sick of her crap and what she puts the family through. She likes to call when she needs something but if your mom wants to not be there for your son who is an awesome kid and has always showed Tim and I in the past that she just doesn't care and I have wanted to sever ties for a long time but with my dad's sickness I didn't want my dad to feel the stress and then I kept her in our lives for Justin to have another grandma. She is just not there. I am at the end of my rope and he not wanting to go to his adoption party with no good excuse feels like this is the issue that broke the camels back. I am just beyond upset and mad and want some input on what you would do or what you think I should do. I feel very hurt but at the same time I am moving that to the back of my head because I am busy with the bachlorette party today the wedding next Saturday and Justin's appeal I just want to be int he moment with all these things with out her bringing me down as she has done so many times in the past. Thank you. On a positive note I have to get ready but I will talk to you all soon and have a great weekend. :)

Monday, August 23, 2010

I turn 29 today

Yeah I am turning 29 today. For five birthday's I would blow out my candles and make a wish for a child to come into our lives. Finally it is here. I don't need to wish for that anymore and now thinking about tonight and what to wish for when I blow out my candles. I have all I have been hoping for. I know we would like other children but that is not a priority nor do I need to wish for that. I will wish for a happy and healthy family where ever it may lead us. I joked with Tim this morning that this will be my last birthday for a few years that I will stay 29 forever. Haaa I was just kidding. My husband is 32 and has been complaining lately how things are starting to hurt like his knee's and lower back and he keeps saying he is getting old so I had to tell him he was old and I will never be that old joking with him. I can't wait to see what this year of my life brings me.

Yesterday Justin was fitted for his tux for my sister in laws wedding. He looked so cute. Justin is the ring barrier and Tim and I are the best man and maid of honor. That will be on the 18th September and we find out hopefully about Justin's appeal in September 15 court. I am thinking maybe to have Justin's adoption part in October and make it a fall or Halloween decor maybe rent a moonwalk for the kids, bob for apples, get some pumpkins and Tim said he would get some straw for the kids to play or run up on. I am just thinking of ideas. They say after the appeal it takes about 2-3 weeks to get a court date to make it final so we will see what happens but I am a planner and it helps keep my mind off of constantly thinking about the appeal.

Today for my birthday Justin just woke up and Tim is at work. Oh by the way school doesn't start for our kids till after labor day so he is still on summer break. I think tonight Tim said we were going to dinner as a family which I love where ever I want then Tim got my favorite, ice cream cake. Yeah. Tomorrow at work they celebrate my birthday and my wonderful mother in law is making me what ever dinner I like her to make after I come home from my 12 hour day of work. Isn't that nice of her. She is awesome. So it will be a nice birthday . I think Justin and I will do some arts and crafts today. Alright Justin is hungry and want breakfast so I have to go but talk to you all soon.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Crazy weekend

So I had got a voice mail last Thursday by Justin's social worker asking us to take 2 kids for a weekend and do a favor for DHS. Se left the message at 6pm and I didn't get it till 8 so when I got it all I can think about is those poor kids where are they now because I didn't get to my phone and DHS had no one to take these kids and I had to be there last resort because they know I only want to take in kids that are either terminated or they may be terminated with there birth parents because I get to attached. Well when I told my husband about it he said absolutely not unless there was a chance to adopt. I called on Friday morning to find out more and no they were not adoptable but they needed a home because they home they were in was already full and the kids shouldn't have been there but they had no where for them. It was a 3 year old and a one year old siblings.

I thought to myself well this would be a test whether Justin really wants siblings or not and it will show me if I can take on 3 kids. Usually people have one kids at a time to adjust to 3 but we were just going to go from none to one to 3.

So I did say yes and my husband didn't agree and said do what ever makes me happy. So we went up north with them since DHS said it would be ok. It was a little overwhelming at first because you don't know the kids or temperament and they are scared of you at the same time. They have moved from a total of 5 homes in the past at there young age which I think that is crazy how many chances are you going to give these kids mother. I felt bad for them.

Justin decided he doesn't want to be the youngest as he has said in the past he wants to be the oldest. He loved helping out. He would get me the diapers and whips for to change the little one. He would help the little one on the couch and play all the time with the 3 year old. He loved it.

So Monday came and the kids social worker called and said would we be willing to take the kids for 2 more weeks maybe 3 then it went to the most 4. Ok now they are playing me. I said I was willing to do a favor and I would hate to have these kids go to another home but it is not fare to me or my family. I told her you said you needed a favor I help up my end of the deal and now I have to feel guilty. I told her she made us believe it was only a weekend. She started to explain the place the kids came from she was hoping would be approved to take more kids but was denied she was at capacity. They also have a relative to the kids that was interested but she has to investigate. She then said the most 2 weeks you would keep them and she kept giving me the guilt trip. I called my husband crying and my mother in law asking for advise and like they said if there is no chance with these kids there is no use for our entire family to get attached because to tell you the truth we all were attached to those kids when they left. They were so cute and good kids. Justin kept crying begging me if we can keep them and they can be his brother and sister. I had to explain to him that I was sorry but we were only babysitting just like I said the first day.

He got sad and said but I will never see them or play with them again. I explained I knew and it was ok to be sad and cry because I was sad too. I called the social worker and told her no. It was hard I was crying and then I thought this is why I don't just foster because these kids were only with me a weekend and I was crying imagine a year or something and then giving them back. I was sad but I felt like it was the best move for our family. Everyone had to be on board. So then I got a call back that they decided to take the kids to the relatives and continue to investigate the relative and that made me feel so much better because then it is family and someone they know not just another stranger. So that was my crazy weekend. Hopefully we get a call on some kids for our family and Justin.

Speaking about Justin we found out the appeal court date is September 15 and the social worker said with her experience we should have an answer that day so pray that everything goes well and just is official terminated so we can get a court date. The social worker would like us to hold out on the adoption till adoption day in November but our family wants it as soon as possible to put all of this past us. As it is once we adopt him he would have been here a year. That to me is a long time seeing how parents were termed in January. The adoption worker says that it takes about 2 weeks to get a court date so that would be end of September beginning of October I pray that September 15 comes in a hurry.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Was on vacation

Hi everyone. I know it has been a while. Things have just been hectic. Well we haven't heard about the appeal yet. Bummer I was hoping we would get news on our vacation. We went up north on vacation I am at lunch at work right now but I will try to post pictures. We had a great week. Justin has been doing better. He hasn't been hitting as much but Tim stated to him that if he talks back or is fresh he will wash his mouth out with soap and guess what this little boy does? He says well can you give me soak right now with some water so I can try it first before you give me the punishment. We meant to scare him and he wanted to try. We told him no and he kept on insisting and so my husband gave him the soap and he put it in his own mouth and then was trying to get the taste out of his mouth and he said he will make sure he will behave because he doesn't want that to happen again and he took some Listerine. I was socked. He has been good since. We were having issues for about 3 weeks and it was hard. We do have our ups and down but he has been great. We got back from vacation on Saturday and then had to tell Justin he was having his eye surgery on Monday. In the meantime on Sunday I started to come down with this sinus infection and then didn't sleep that night thinking about our little boy in surgery and had no sleep and I think it took a toll on my body because it is my first day back at work and I feel like a mack truck hit me.

The surgery went good. He did have a lot of vomiting after for like 3-4 hours but was better after he started waking up but we were there all day. We got there at 8:30 procedure was at 10:00 and we didn't leave till 3:30 and got home at 4. Tiring no eating and feeling sick and was upset and stress about Justin. I am so proud of him. He was such a trooper though. We don't know what the eye looks like yet until my mother in law takes him to the doctors at 1:30 to get bandages off so we will know more then. hope all is well and no more surgeries for him. Other then that I am a lot better besides sleep and this sinus at least that stress of surgery is gone and makes me feel so much better inside. Have to work though today for 12 hours uggghh. Oh well at least I had some time off. I will try to keep you posted. It is just hard when he is off of school to get on and type so I choose to do it at work today. Talk to you all soon and hope all is well with all of you. :)

Saturday, July 17, 2010

I am done with the hitting

The past week Justin has started the hitting thing. I would tell him he hurt my feelings by what he did or say or I would tell him he can't have something or the other day I actually said to him can I rewind this because I missed what hap pend and he thought I said change the program and he just comes flying up and me and swing and pinching with this really mean and angry face. This happened when he first came here and it continue till about February but I think once we earned his respect and I would say that was in March when he started calling us mom and dad that hitting went away. We still had the outbursts like the crying or throwing but the physical violence was gone. We have gone over this a number of times that we DO NOT allow any physical abuse (hitting, kicking pinching, biting, anything causing serious harm to another) in this house he knows the rules and if those rules are broken he goes up in his room for time out and we take stuff away like his golf stuff he loves to play with or something.

The usual punishment (like talking back, throwing something, not listening, saying something he knows he should not be saying or doing) he gets a time out on the couch and losses a star. We have a star system when he is good and helpful and just has a good day we give him a star and 5 stars he gets a prize on top of the fridge. If he is bad he gets them taken away and if he continues to be bad in punishment he continues to get more time added in 5 minute increments to his already time sometimes depending on how severe another star gets taken away.

Today he started hitting me and I didn't say a word like I usually do an get all upset I just grabbed his hand and walked him up the stairs and he was vishous. Grabbing the spindles of the stairs while screaming and kicking and pinching and biting. The started being disrespectful to me in a really mean way calling me stupid and I don't think and telling me he hates me and I don't know anything after I fought with all my might to keep him in my arms I threw him on the bed and as I went to walk away to close the door he jumped and lunged at me he had a handful of hair and was trying to punch my butt/lower back. I got so enraged I had to stop myself before I lost myself. I think I just got to enraged between the pain because I know he is 5 but my back hurt and my head he took a clump out and then I think the fear of him startled me so much I felt like he needed to know who was boss. What happens when he gets bigger and is stronger then me this needs to stop now.

After 10 minutes in his room and I called Tim because I needed him to calm me down because I was shacking and tearing up I finally went back up to face him and he was acting like an angel. He does this. It is like 2 different people. He was a monster then I go in there it is like it never happened. Believe me I didn't let him get away with it but we had a long talk. This has to stop. I don't know what brought it on this week but when he is good he is very very good and when he is bad he is horrible. Tim and I just talked and decided he can get his golf clubs back that I took away 2 days earlier for hitting but NO TV for a week. We told him that he must be learning this from violent shows and that he can't watch TV now. Don't get the wrong idea he doesn't watch TV a lot and we know what he is watching and some I don't approve of but he watched it in the past and it is on the N*CK channel. The Sponge B*b and I C*^ly and watches Max and R**y and Sc**by D**. These are the programs I am talking about nothing violent I just wanted you to get the idea of what I am doing and working with. We watched the R*ad R*nner when we were young and I know I wasn't violent. I just have had enough and Tim is worst then me right now he is so mad. He wants to take more away and he says I am sick of this. It gets hard I just need to vent and feel better. I am trying to be my best as a first time mother and have a 5 year old that came from another family and I have to correct or reverse stuff. It is very hard. Keep smiling I tell myself. :)

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Any Idea's, Advice please help!

I am sorry but I am getting very impatient about this long wait with this appeal. I feel they made the decision to terminate right with in 2 weeks of the trial and now birth dad does an appeal 2 weeks later and we are still waiting. Terminated 1/13/10 and appealed 2/8/10. We are now in July and school is coming in September. We were first told by Justin's social work a few weeks then 2-3 months then if might take is little longer but we should hear something in July. I received the permanency planning hearing information from his social worker from 6/1/10. I states parents terminated 1/13/10 but then states word for word

" the primary barrier to adoption is hat birth father on 2/8/10, filed an appeal again termination of parental right decision. The appeal process is still pending which will delay the adoption until a decision is made. The anticipated adoption date is July 2010."

Then I got an e-mail yesterday from our adoption worker stating that she had good new and not so good news. Good news was that we were approved for the adoption through the state and we have consent (what ever that means) as of 7/7/10. She says on there end they are all ready to go ahead once they hear the appeal is finalized we can get a court date. The not so good news she put was that she talked to the attorney general (I don't know who this is) but she said that it may be a few more months because of later paper work on behalf of birth dad's lawyer.

I don't understand this because I don't know how this process work. I don't understand they said if things come in late they don't take them. The extension came in late and they threw that out and wouldn't take it. I just don't want him to freak when we go to kindergarten with a different name and he has been asking "mom when am I going to be your last name and when am I going to have my adoption party". This is tuff because it is tuff for me to wait anymore but for him it is agonizing. We worked so hard to get him to this point of comfortablility and the system is failing again. It is crazy how it takes 2 weeks to make a decision to terminate but an appeal we are going on 5 1/2 months. How much longer to wait.

I told you that I would do absolutely anything for him and I did send a letter to the judge but unfortunately I got it sent back to me with a letter stating:

"The court must return your letter addressed to Judge ----- for the reason that it would be improper for the judge to read anything not presented as evidence in court. While we appreciate the fact you tried to let him know about a concern you had, the judge will not be able to consider your letter.

Please understand the limitations imposed on judge by law. The rules are meant to preserve the equality of justice, which is so important to our system of laws."

In the letter to the judge I wasn't trying to make him terminated there right just explained my concern with school and if he could look over the paper work so he can move on with his life and close this chapter.

What else can I do. Any one go through this? Anyone know how long on average appeals take? What more can I do? Can I go up higher to get this resolved or to bring attention or awareness not just for Justin but for other kids going through the same thing? Who do you go to? I want to make a difference and no child should have to feel and comfortable as he is with me that he might not stay here forever and doesn't have solid ground to stand on the longer they make a child wait. I just need some advice or ideas or what else I can do? I have sat on my hand this whole time and I feel like I have been waiting forever. I just wish this could be final already. I can't tell you how many times people ask me when is it final. It makes me mad to say I have no idea because I am sick of saying by the end of the summer. I have really tried hard to be positive which I was doing until yesterday's e-mail from the adoption worker. I even put up a sign on my fridge that appeal will be finalized with us as parent by July 31. I was trying to really believe it would come true I even opened a fortune cookies yesterday that states "everything will now come your way" I truly believed that when I opened it yesterday I was thinking see this positive thing is working then I got the e-mail and I was just so mad. I am sorry but I needed to vent and see if I can get any help of advise. Thanks

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Finding myself

I am sorry it has been a while but I was trying to take time for myself to find who I am again. I feel like I have lost myself about 4-5 years ago. After my family moved in my house and my dad was sick about 4-5 years ago my life turned upside down. I had to be the rock for the family and not get upset and stay strong for my mom and brother who are weaker and my dad asked me to stay strong so as hard as it was I couldn't break down in front of him or anything so giving hugs was very hard not to break down as I never knew if it was my last. After my dad past part of my heart honestly left with him and I have never got it back. I struggled to find why I felt out of sorts and not myself for so long and everyone told me it was normal at first when you dad passes but then the infertility and 2 lost in vetro's. It was hard. They give you those pictures of the embryo's and the ultrasound of them inside of you after they put them in that you are hopeful that you will see them some day. Well when it didn't happen it was devastating it was like I lost those babies after seeing them on the ultrasound and under the microscope it feels like they are already yours and losing them 2 times took such a hard toll on me. I was hard on myself and I just never felt like anyone enjoyed my company like they use to because I didn't enjoy myself.

I am just starting to realize this now. I had my girlfriend who came over on Saturday and her mom died a year and a week after my dad so she was going through that loss this weekend with us and was drinking which I swear I don't have a drinking problem it is just when we are around friends or it is around that time and either the issue of my dad, infertility or someone pregnant again! it makes it hard for me to feel happy for that person or to be myself or to be as friendly without that guard up as to not get hurt so I have a drink to relax me and loosen up so people will won't to be by me. No one wants to be the "Debbi downer" and that is what I felt like. I didn't laugh as much or enjoy others company. I just wanted to be with my husband and even when Justin came into our lives I just wanted to be with Justin and Tim and no one else. It was like my safe haven. So it seemed that I would get around others and drink as to numb that pain that I was feeling.

So I started to do some sole searching these past 2 weeks. The test was my girlfriend came over and was drinking and morning the loss of her mom and I just got over the week before morning my dad's loss and it made it easier to want to drink with her BUT I didn't. I took it in and helped her through while talking about my dad. I let myself feel it. I do that with Tim when it is just the two of us but never anyone else. Well I allowed myself to do it. I told Tim I felt like I made a big step today and I explained that I think my problem it that I have never been at peace with my dad being gone. I always felt why him and why now and I need him and I think I truly made it about me.

Well you won't believe it and it is still new to me but I think I am finally at peace with my dad and my infertility. I think the feelings can be there but I think I am at peace with it and understand it. My dad came to me in my dreams on Saturday night after my girlfriend went home and I explained to Tim that I never had peace about my dad leaving. My dad actually came to me. This is very personal and is making me tear up about it now. But anytime I have ever had a dream about him in the last 3 years he has been gone it has been of him sick never well the way he always was a fit and healthy guy. He was the way I remembered him. He said he came down because he knew I wanted so badly to see him one last time and he didn't want me to keep that sick image of him in my head forever and to remember him the way he always was. I remember hugging him and he was only around for a few minutes maybe 3 or 4 but I was able to hug and touch him and smile at him and then he said he had to go and I begged him selfishly to please not leave me and he explained that he had to go and that he could only have this short visit and I was sad but I understood and was grateful to see him again. oh my goodness I can't stop crying. ahahahh. I remember him leaving but I still kept a smile on my face just happy that I had the opportunity to see him again.

I told my husband the next day as I was tearing up trying to tell him and he just hugged me as I explained that I think I am at peace with him being gone. I will never be over it but I am at peace with it. I felt good going into 4th of July which was one of my dad and I's favorite holiday's because we use to have a 4th of July party every year he had a bunch of people over and he did fireworks and so this 4th of July I couldn't help but look at those firework in the sky with a little tear in my eye and a smile on my face thinking of my dad. It felt good for a change. I didn't want to blog about it right away because I didn't know if it was just how I was feeling for that little while or if my sole was truly at peace so I waited a few days and I still feel the same way.

I know there are going to be sceptics about my dreams and what ever and that is fine but I always try not to put my religious beliefs or anything to change any one's beliefs but I know that my dad came to me in my dreams because it was the right time. I was searching how to feel better about it and searching for answers when everyone always says things happen for a reason I didn't understand the reason and that upset me. I don't need to know the reason it might unfold for me later in life an answer that question. Who knows I just have to be blessed with everything I do have and not what I don't.

I had to post this am I am sorry but on a sadder note they think my aunt and uncle on my mom's side have cancer. They are both going through with some more testing but my uncle has 2 masses in his lungs and my aunt has 2 masses in her throat that doctors are afraid it is cancer. They both smoke heavily and have 1 kid together who is 11 and my god son and my aunt had her daughter who is 21. I am praying that everything goes well am it is not cancer. It has been on my mind all week. I did tell my mom since her sister (my aunt) she was worried about the kids and all that I would take them in if anything were to happen. I was totally not trying to think the worse but to ease her mind that they will be taking good care of. Her concern also was if it did happen I live in Michigan and she lives in Jersey and it would be a big change. Please just keep them in your prayers. Thanks

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Rest in Piece DAD

Today has been 3 years. I just can't believe it. I couldn't sleep last night as much as I tried to clear my head. I tossed and turned all night. I wanted to say I missed you so much. I remember this day like it happened yesterday. For 2 years after you past I had issues going into the room you passed. It would take the breathe right out of me and it would be hard for me to breath or be in there. All I could think about was the bad memories in that room. I know you feel the same way because you never wanted me to see you like that and have to watch you deteriorate right in front of my eyes. I remember calling Tim to tell him I think you were passing and I went upstairs again to find mom yelling over you telling me to help even thought that was not what you wanted and I was numb. I had an outer body experience. My body was standing there but I couldn't get my body to do anything. There were no tear,no emotion, no movement no nothing I was just standing there telling myself this isn't happening as the window was opened I heard Tim's feet running across our gravel drive way and I could feel his panic through those foot steps and mom's scream for help as it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. It didn't hit me till Tim came up to your room and put his arms around me and yelled over my mom "he is gone" then the flood gates bursted open and screaming cry came from me and realizing that this was the last time I would see you for a long time.

When Justin came into our lives Tim surprised me one day when I came home he had Justin's room all situated so it didn't remind me of the room when you passed. Justin doesn't of course know that was the room you passed in. Now that room is full of life and happiness. He loves cars just like you do. He really like the movie cars. The whole room is themed in cars and when I go in there I don't even think about those days in that room. It is like a totally different room. I go in and it now makes me smile. I at one point thought we were going to have to move because I had such a problem with that room I would close the door and never go in and now it is always open and I am always smiling when I pass. Justin is either sleeping or playing and it is happy. I think what I love the best is knowing you are his guardian angel I tell him. I told him you would always protect him.
Mom is doing good. She got married last month. Ricky is in school. He has an associates in computers but now wants to be a nurse. And no he hasn't grown up yet. He is now 25 and still has no job and wants to go back to school but the good thing dad is that mom married a guy that can take care of them both. He makes a decent money and seems to want to take care of them. I don't know if he knows what he is getting himself into hahahah. He cooks for them, cleans for him and works a lot. I feel like now I don't have to take care of them anymore there is someone who will and I can concentrate on my family.
I wish you could be here. I still need you selfishly. I miss you and love you. I think about you all the time and I try not to cry but last night and this morning was a little hard. It would be 3 years at 11 am this morning you passed. I am trying not to dwell on it but when the day comes it gets hard. Justin and I are planting a flower in our garden of memory of you today. We are also going out to eat to one of your favorite restaurants in memory of you. Not like we are throwing a party or anything but we are just trying not to make it a sad day and trying to do things that you liked or tell stories of you to Justin. He always asks questions about you. He found your ashes on my dresser. He picked up that pretty box I keep your ashes in and he wanted to play with it and I had to explain to him not to do that and that it was you. He wants to know what you liked and what you used to do and he loves to see pictures of you with all these cars and when you play the guitar. He told me he wants to play the guitar. I told him if he is serious when he gets older I will give him your famous red guitar that you had when I was young. You loved that thing and we have so many pictures with you with that guitar.
I will think of you today and always and miss you so very much. I love you and think of you frequently. We are always thinking of you today and always. Love your Family Susie, Timmy and Justin

Monday, June 21, 2010

Something is wrong and I am not sure what

Well I have a lot to be grateful for. I have the best husband. My dreams came true when Justin came in to my life. I have a nice home and I have a job. It is a pretty good job can find better but it is still great to have a job in this economy. I have great in laws who are the best and I consider them my family. I have a vehicle and I have my health. We all have our health. I have passed my test and have a lot to be thankful for. BUT....

For some reason that is just not enough and I don't know why. I am not sure anyone has felt this way and that is why I am putting it out there. I usually never think I am an ungrateful person but lately I am not sure if it is that for health that has caused me to feel the way I feel. I don't think I should feel this way for a 28 almost 29 year old girl.

I feel tired and fatigued all the time. I feel irritable and emotional. I have vaginal bleeding between my periods especially after exercise. Things seem to bother me to easily and then later I feel bad about it. I didn't always use to be like that. But people tell me that could be my cyst bursting. I have a hypothyroid and a cyst on my ovary and a fibroid on my breast. I only tell you this intrusive stuff because I want to give you everything I know about me to help me figure out what is going on. Every time I go to the doctor they check my thyroid with the thyroid meds they tell me I am doing good and I am normal. I am taking thyroid meds and the natural supplement KELP which is suppose to be great for your thyroid. I don't know what to think.

I have been watching this DVD a friend gave me called "The Secret" that helps you be positive and feel good about yourself. It use to work but it just doesn't work. I find myself struggling with my mind to stay happy and positive and it is becoming hard and a chore rather then just coming to me which I feel it should. I have nothing to complain about but I seem to be bothered. I get bothered just when Justin interrupts or when Tim does this slurp sound. I would normally never feel like this but I find my self telling them could you not do that or yell at them over such a silly thing. To me right now is silly but at the time it is like nails on a chalk board. I have tried everything. I write on a piece of paper what I am grateful for I listen and watch self help things to be back to a better person and it all doesn't seem to be working. The only conclusion I can come to is my thyroid with my cyst that must be bursting in between periods that causes me pain and fatigue and mixed with the thyroid that causes fatigue and sometimes irritability but why does the doctor keep telling me the labs are normal. I have gone to 3 medical doctors and they say I am on the right thyroid medication. If anyone has any input or help please tell me. I want to feel normal for me Justin and my family please. I don't know what else to do or say. Thanks for listening and letting me get all this out. :)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Yeah I passed what's next

I passed that test found out today on line. I am CPC certified which is certified professional coder and I can make more money. I have almost 5 years of billing and coding experience but now I have to figure out what avenue I want to go down. Justin and I were dancing this morning when I found out. I kept singing "mom did it she did, mom didn't" and he was laughing and having a good old time. It was great and I am so happy now if I can find a job in this bad economy I can make more money with this certificate. I know there is a position for a lead biller that just opened up at my job but they told us we can't apply anyone who works there they have some people in mind and we can't ask but they will decide whether they will hire from with in or not. I e-mailed my supervisor this morning to tell her about my certification so she would think of me for the position since I do so many different jobs while a lot of other people in out department only do one job. I really do like 4 different jobs but I feel like I am a huge asset to them but because I do all those jobs who would they get to do my job not only that but if I am going to be honest with you without sounding like I full of myself but I have a feeling I know what they think of me. They know I am a hard worker and a go getter but they see me as YOUNG, CUTE, not leadership. I know I can do it but admittedly I do look young and have a young voice and I am very smiley and bubbly and I think they perceive that for naive, not experienced in life (little do they know) but we are at work and in my profession of billing you need everyone and so if someone is mad at you but they know something you don't they aren't going to be willing to help you so you need to be nice. I am not saying I am fake nice but I am very nice at work to keep the moral going and keep people on my side. I feel like that is coming back to bite me. After I e-mailed my supervisor that I passed she just said congratulations nothing else was said. I would think that if they had people in mind for the position and they announced it over a week ago those people would have been confronted. I am not sure what to do. I will have to see where this road takes me.
On another situation I keep finding these kids on line that need families and every time I find an older child they have to be the youngest which is a challenge since Justin is 5. I keep hearing about all these situations in my area in the news and all that are said about abuse to these children or a parent killing another parents and these kids need families. It is so sad I am right here and I never get a call on these kids. I want to help and feel good about changing these children's lives. I truly think that since that infant we turned down that social worker probably didn't want to give us a call because w ask to many questions which is sad when kids need a home. I only asked the questions to make sure it was a situation that we can handle but we don't seem to be called anymore so I have kind of looked on my own but I am not getting very far. Well you all know I try not to preach on my blog as to not offend anyone or any religions so please shy away from this comment I was compelled to say but God will have to show us our path. Everyone says things happen for a reason. I will just have to see what that reason is. My patients haven't always been my strong suite.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Yesturday as one of the top 10 bet days

I had taken my test for my certification through the AAPC for my CPC certification. That is for billing and can make my family money if I can find a job which there are some. I had a class in October that gave me an oversight of the test but nothing like the 5 and 1/2 hour exam. I stated t he class in October and after my first class when I figured I waited a long time to have a child and who know how much longer I mine as well do this like I have wanted to before a child comes again. After the first class 2 days later I got the call on Justin. That made it hard to study, work full time and have him. Just having him our whole lives changed, let alone a full time job and school.

I took the test in December and failed by one question. Then I took the test again in March and same thing failed by one question. I was so mad and depressed with myself. I knew I could do better but it was timed and I am not the fastest reader. I wish my mom pushed reading like I do with Justin and I would be a better reader today. I try to read but I don't read half as quick as my other friends. My family (mom, dad and brother) were never readers so I never knew how important it was till now. Not that I can't read or understand it is just I can't read fast and a lot of the time I lip read so taking this test was a challenge. Even though I knew the material I couldn't read fast enough to complete it. The last two times I took the test, one time I had 13 that I didn't get to so I just put in anything and the next time I had 18.

Well yesterday I haven't study much for it because I have been busy and I think I was sick of getting my self all worked up over the test only for disappointment.

Well yesterday was everything I could have wished for. I prayed to my dad to be by my side yesterday and the morning didn't starts good. I forgot one of my billing books from work I had to stop there and pick it up early in the morning , then I got to the exam and when I sat down I realized I had papers I wasn't suppose to in my book so I had to go out to my car and drop it off then I came back up and I noticed everyone had there license and I left mine in the care so I had to go back to my car and get it because you need it for them to verify for sign in for the test. I was starting to get flustered a bit but then on my last trip to my car I grabbed my rosary beads from my car that I hand in my car to keep me safe and I put it in my pocket and I don't know why but constantly thinking of my dad.

I started the exam and I was just moving. It was awesome. I can't explain it but there was an open seat besides me during the test and I swear my dad was sitting next to me at the test helping move. Not that he would know the material but just helping me know it and feel confident. I finished the test completely no questions open with 2 minutes to spare. I handed in my test and as I was walking to get out of the building I just felt my dad walking besides and and I told him thank you. I started getting choked up on the way to my car. Tears just streamed down my face and my fist was held tight in an confident feeling of yes I did it and I knew I could. I checked my phone and saw there was one e-mail from some spam I don't remember who but in the subject if read for the dad who was by your side. I called my husband first and when he heard my tearful voice he thought the worst as before but when I tried to explain the feeling of joy and happiness and that I passed he started to get chocked up. I explained to him the e-mail on my phone. I know some of you think of what a coincidence but what are the chances and that it would say that. I had goose bumps. They always say loved ones send messages some ways and I feel like that was his way.

There are people who tell me Justin looks like my dad and I see it sometimes it is weird. But Tim told me that when Justin was in the car before I started my exam Justin did this smirky grin my dad would do and Tim swears he saw my dad so when I told him what I went through he said he wasn't going to tell as to not upset me but he also believes my dad was with me.

Another weird sign was this morning my husband said congratulation you passed and I said I couldn't have done it without my dad as I was turning on the TV, the three studges were on. My dad loved the three studges . It is not like that is on very often and I don't recall ever seeing it on TV. When my dad was sick at my house we bought him this season of dvd of three studges to brighten his spirits and it was on my TV. I find that just crazy. It was my dad. I am sorry I don't usually like to preach on my blog as to not offend anyone beliefs or push my beliefs on anyone but this is hard to tell without explaining. I just know my dad was with me and was sending me cues that he was. Last night I just got a little upset telling Tim I wish I could just hug him one last time. Also his 3 years since he has passed is coming in a week and a half and I was a bit emotional.

Yesterday I have never felt that way before. I just felt so happy and so great and not like I have ever felt before. No I don't know what my score is. It goes through Lansing and I have to wait to get it back but I should know online by the end of this week. I just know I passed though. One of my top 10 best days. I have never felt like that. Amazing.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Kindergarten orientation meltdown

So we went to kindergarten orientation this past Thursday and the first thing they asked the kids to do was find there name tags. Well at the other school he was going to I was paying for it and DHS told me he would be adopted before kindergarten so I told the school to have him practice writing our last name not his old last name as to not upset him. Well since kindergarten is at a public school they have to as they told me play by the rules and if that is his legal name they have to use it. I tried explaining the situation but you know how that goes they were only half listening.
So Justin goes to find his name and he told me he couldn't find it well as soon as I went up there I realized he didn't know because his old last name is on there. I grabbed it really quick and slapped the sticker of his name high on his chest but he is very aware of his surroundings so of course he grabbed his shirt and said " mom this isn't my last name" and was pulling off the sticker.
I thought quickly and went into my purse for a marker and scribbled out the last name and told him he has to wear it and I took the last name off. He had a meltdown. Arms crossed, didn't want to answer to talk to the teacher or the principal there. I tried explaining by like I said above they must not understand foster situations because they weren't giving. I pulled Justin aside out in the hall away from everyone and explained that I am going to do everything in my power to make this better and get this fixed before kindergarten starts.

Sorry I forgot to describe the melt down part but lets just say not pretty and many people starring. Well my husband told me I should have never promised him that I would fix by September but I wanted him not to hurt or feel that pain that I can see he was feeling and was feeling really hard when he saw that last name.
I am now trying to follow through. I talked to my sister in law yesterday who is a lawyer. I asked her if I should write a letter explaining to the judge or am I going to get on his bad side. She said I should find out who the judges clerk is, and be really nice to her and ask her about the process because she says a lot of the time you can persuade the clerk and she handles the judges stuff to get things done. It is nice to have a lawyer in the family. So we will see what happens. I feel kind of bad doing that but like I said I promised him and I am following through and doing what ever I can possible for him. Cross your fingers hope this works.

I told all of you about in my last blog these cute kids I would love to adopt but there were four and if anyone knew of anyone who would adopt 4 to let them know. I am sorry to this person, but I got an e-mail asking me for the website because they couldn't find the children and by accident I deleted your e-mail and can't find it in my deleted. So I am writing it on my blog so hopefully it gets to you. I don't think I can post there picture from the website but I will post the website and you can see there picture on it. They are adorable 2 boys, 2 girl, ages 2-6. Adorable. Like I said if I knew someone in Michigan that wanted to adopt 2 I would adopt the other two and let the kids see each other all the time but unfortunately I don't. But I am truly sorry for deleting your e-mail. Here is the website
Hope that helps, if not e-mail me again and I promise that won't happen.
I haven't posted pictures in a while so to catch you all up on what has been going on.
Tim's Birthday
Justin's Tiger Game with Dad
Tim Caught a ball on TV and gave to Justin and they were both on TV it was cool and here is the call to prove it. They were even on the sports highlights
Justin's Graduation Day
Memorial Day weekend his first time in a sand box, his first time miniature golfing, first time tubing and did it with mom, first fish caught and fishing time with dad
Another baseball game but this was the one that is historic almost perfect game and was robbed I have a picture of the ref when he called safe when they were out that changed the game

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Good weekend

We had a great weekend I will try to post pics later this week but Justin had a ball up north and his graduation from small 5's on Thursday was excellent. I am going to miss that teacher they had the most memorable graduation and so cute. I kept calling him my little grad. I was so proud of him. He had to much fun up north fishing with dad and playing on swings, baseball and basketball and swimming. He didn't want to leave. It was nice because it gave me time to actually stand back and reflect on everything. I usually dwell on stuff but I was actually reflecting. Like looking in the back of the truck on the way up north saying this time last year I was saying I can't wait till I can look back there and see a little one back there and he was there and it felt great. Lots of our family and friends went up and they were playing with Justin and I just sat back and watched and enjoyed his joy he was having and he contagious laugh kills me. I couldn't stop smiling listening to that laugh he has. I was sitting there saying I love this and this is what I have been waiting for. It was nice to finally step back and get to enjoy everything rather then have stress and go go go. Justin did all weekend though beg for a brother or sister. He was the only child up north with like 20 adults. He was playing with adults but they don't play the same way with him as another child does. My mother in law was saying don't you wish you could rent a child for the weekend I just had to laugh.
By the way I saw the cutes kids ever and wish I knew someone that lived by me that was interested in adopting. I saw these cute kids on northwest adoption exchange under Idaho and there are 4 kids ranged from 2-6. I would have taken two of them in a heart beat and I would have hoped to have found someone who wanted to adopt 2 as well so that the kids could visit each other frequently. I know I defiantly love keeping kids together and I love kids but my husband would never go for 4 kids on top of having Justin he would tell me I am insane. Our life style is go go go. In the summer we go up north every weekend to clean cottages and then sports with Justin but even if I adopted the 2 older girls and someone I knew adopted the 2 younger. I know it was a thought that I shared that crossed my mind but I don't really know anyone and I wish I did. I thought that was a great idea but again it was just a thought but if you do know anyone that would be willing to adopt 4 kids together they are cute as can be .

Monday, May 24, 2010

sorry it's been so long had to get my head on straight

Well I never told you about mother's day because I had nothing good to tell. I am not upset or mad about it of course I wish it was better I guess I shouldn't have these high expectations but Justin had a ruff time even after the X he did in my carpet with the marker one day and then the colored pencils again the next day. I am pretty sure I told you in the last blog I wanted to pull my hair out but I tried not to express that to much for him because mothers day was hard for him so he was acting out. He is starting to continue to act out because he is starting to forget things about his old parents and that makes him mad. He can't remember them as vividly as he wants to anymore. It will be 8 months since he first came to join our family so I think he has grown accustomed to our ways that it makes it hard to remember day to day events with them and that is hard on him. I feel bad and wish I can take that away. No 5 year old should have to feel the loss there parents. I mean they are alive and well but to him it is like they are gone because he knows he can't see them and time is passing longer and longer. Oh and for the old fathers attempt to get Justin back the social worker said that the judge looked over the documents and has found no mistakes but didn't sign off on it and the old fathers lawyer put in for an extension but they put it in later then the date they had to have it in by so she told me now it is up to the judge to decide whether he will take the extension being it came in late to look into it. I ask how long but she said 4-6 months and I asked from now and she said when the first one came in January. I asked if this would be completed before school in September and she seemed almost positive it would. I explained he doesn't like to be called by his other name he likes to be called by our name and when he just went to the dentist he even made her change his name and she said he spelt it for her and every thing. I know I thought that was sweet. So it does effect him and bother him and I just didn't want him to go through explaining the change of names at school or anything I wanted him to have a fresh new start to the school year. He is already mourning losing his friends at school. He keeps telling me he won't remember them and he won't see them again and that would be another loss for him. I told him we have there phone numbers and we can see them in the summer plus I enrolled him in there bible week classes. They have class for a week in July and the teacher says most of the class he is with will be there so I am trying to ease that. Plus he is constantly telling me he wants a big brother. Not a small sibling or boy or girl a big brother. I talked to Tim and I don't know if we could take much older then 6 maybe 7. Justin already has this many issues and he came to us at 4 going on 5 and a child in the system for a long time comes with a lot more issues plus every time you see a child that is older it always says has to be the only child or the youngest and well that isn't happening since Justin is only 5. He is really admit though and I feel bad. He keeps asking when are they going to call us. He wants someone to play with the whole summer. He is around a lot of adults so I think he wants to play with kids. School and day care he does and he will be going to day care 1 time a week for like 4 hours. We can set up play dates and stuff but I think he wants someone in the room next to him. I feel bad I can't give him that.So finally Saturday I broke down. I had to go to my sister in laws on Saturday she is getting married in September and all the ladies standing up had to go to help with invites and shower stuff and my girlfriend if you remember from last years blog that said she is like me and she will never be pregnant and was crying on my shoulder all the time and then got pregnant with in 9 months was there and she is due in 3 weeks then there is another girl that is pregnant standing up that is 4 months along and all I had to hear is about there baby stuff all day long. Both of them going back and forth. I can handle it but for only so long until I start getting upset and thinking of myself. To give you an idea we all had to be there at 12 and we stayed till 9 at night so I mean all day and I had no one to lean on and I remember when she couldn't get pregnant she always use to say how our other girlfriend that is pregnant always felt like she was throwing it in her face and felt like that is all she talked about and she was mad about it and told me she would never do that. Well guess the tide has turned. I had to hear ohh everyone feel the baby. Oh baby is hungry and wants to eat. I had to hear how cute they looked pregnant and how cute and small there babies are going to be. On top of all that my mom was getting married the same day and all I could think about was my dad. I am mad at myself now for doing it but I started drinking. I know that is not the worst thing in the world but I feel like it is when you are using it to help you not feel anything. When Tim came later because the guys came for dinner at 7 with the girls and went outside and called his mom crying and said how I didn't know how much more I can handle. I told her I missed my dad and I am constantly reminded that I can't get pregnant and I told her I felt horrible and I like to feel in control of myself and I couldn't get control of my emotions. She was so good to me. She even brought me flowers the next day and had a tear in her eye. My mother in law is awesome and I am lucky to have both her and Tim in my life. Tim was trying to find me because it was time to eat and he found me outside crying to his mom and I just couldn't help it. He kept telling em we have the best family in the world and Justin is just so perfect in our lives and he doesn't understand why Justin isn't enough for me and he just wants me to be happy. I tried explaining that Justin make me very happy and it is not that it just was a bad day. Between my mom getting married and listening to all this baby talk all day long it just was killing me that was 2 major losses in my life and I know I have never got through and I just try to deal with it and on a usual day I can I am not talking about those two things all day but when it is all day I couldn't help it. I just wanted to go home and couldn't. Of course I came in and everyone thought I was upset because I missed Justin because he was at my in laws house and yeah I missed him but not enough to cry over it was only a few hours but I let them believe that. So I swore to Tim I will not drink again just to not feel emotions. I was mad at myself and didn't want Justin to see me weak. He needs to see my strong. I wasn't drunk but I was tipsy. I know when to stop because like I said before I like to be in control of myself and I don't like to make a fool of myself but I just wanted the edge off. Sorry it has been so long since my last post but I didn't have that much nice things to say and I didn't want to be a Debbie downer. We are going up north this week to have fun and it should be a great time. Also no distractions. No pregnant ladies I won't think of my dad. Just good fun with my family and family friends. Talk to you all soon thanks for listening. :)