Sunday, December 12, 2010

In good times and in bad adoption

Yesterday we went to Christmas town in Frankenmuth. Since I moved to Michigan I couldn't wait to bring my child to experience it with us. We bundled up and headed out. We went to Bronners which is this big Christmas store that stays open all year and has nothing but Christmas stuff everywhere. Then we walked around the Christmas town going to to fudge shops seen below with my husband and Justin. It was cool. We got to watch horse and buggy and Justin just loved that. We ate at a little pizza place because the two big chicken places there that they are known for chicken were packed I mean packed. The wait was 2 to 2 hrs and 15 minutes long. We had so much fun and just was passed out sleeping on the way home. We asked if he had fun and he said yes but wasn't to fond of the walking. I have a ton more pictures but how many can you post.
We built a Gingerbread house yesterday morning before leaving for Frankenmuth. He loves to make these things. I thought it came out really well.
Now to what has been happening. We talked about the happy stuff now lets talk about the real stuff. I know in my last post which was a while ago I had mentioned about these 5 kids and someone responded asking me for information on them. I truthfully don't have any information. My friend told me about them on his adoption party and then I asked about them like 2 weeks ago and she said she will call her neighbor to find out. Never heard back then my friend called me on Friday to say she talked to her neighbor and her neighbor would talk to the lady who is fostering these kids and either give her my number or I will get her number. Well I was suppose to be getting a call back from my friend on Friday to tell me what happened but I didn't hear back so that is what happened with that.
Okay Justin has been going through some tuff times and it is getting hard for me. I don't know how to answer some things. He knows mostly everything but he keeps asking me questions. I don't know how much detail to go into at 6 years old. But he knows way above his age. My husband and I handle it differently. My husband is a little more selfish and tells me that Justin is going to break my heart because the first place he will go at 18 will be his birth moms home or as Justin calls her his old mom. I tell my husband that might be a wake up call for him to see and read about his profile and why he was in care and what happened and then see his birth mom. I don't know when he gets older but right now has no interest with birth dad. But I told Tim if he wanted me to go with him to see his birth mom I would. Even if it is hard because knowing what she did to him but I would do it for him and Tim totally disagrees.
Justin had made a comment after our bedtime reading when I told him do you know how much mom loves you and he said really slyly "but your not my real mom". I held it together and told him yes I am. I didn't have to give birth to you to be your real mom. I am raising you and you will be in our lives for the rest of your life. We are your parents and I am your mom. I also explained how hurtful he was and that wasn't nice. We have talked about this before and he knows. I know some of you will say well he is only 6 and he was just stating how he feels but you have to understand at the same token we have discussed this a bunch even with the counselor and he understands. He is a very bright 6 year old that is way beyond his years. He sometimes likes to get a rise or upset you almost like he is hurting so he wants to make others hurt. I can tell my the way he looked at me and said it he said it very slyly and had his smirk on after he said it. As you all know it hurt and hurt badly. I understand you shouldn't take it personally but he is my son and I have waited a very long time for this and love him more then anything and it hurts when I know he is trying to be hurtful so that is why I expressed that it was mean and hurtful to mom that you said that. I would never try to hurt him. My husband then came upstairs because I think he can hear that I was starting to cry and he came up. I can tell my husband was mad because he hates seeing me upset. He has seen me upset for way to long between my dad and the invetro and the roller coaster of adoption and we finally got what we wanted and the last thing my husband wanted was to see me cry. It was hard but my husband explained to him how this family works and stays by each other. Justin thinks he may be all alone again sometime because he thinks all adults go to jail. I tried to explain to him that would never ever happen in this family but I don't think he believed it. He think grandma and grandpa and his aunts and uncles and everyone would. We have been going to counseling but I don't know if it is working. I have mixed emotions. I don't want to go to a new counselor because he trusts them but I want him to progress and I don't feel like that is happening. He has know this counselor for over a year and change is hard for him.
I keep questioning if I want to adopt another older child. He wasn't that old Justin was 4 turning 5. I just think maybe I should put ages 0-3 on there instead of 0-7. You have to be really strong and thick skinned to be a foster adoptive parents to children over the age of 3. yes at 3 or 2 they would still have issues to deal with but they may not be as sever as a 4 or 5 year old. I know this is a sensitive subject but right now I am speaking out of emotion. I am torn do we adopt again do we make Justin an only child. I don't think I have that thick of skin. I am an emotional person who likes to love. I want to help other kids but sometimes I don't know if I can do all this again. We have come a long way but how long does this continue.
In the car on the way home from Frankenmuth he out of the blue asked if he will ever see his mom again and if she will always be in a place that she is in now for being bad. My husband said without me saying anything he said no you won't . I disagree with his response. I don't want him to think of Tim as a liar when he realizes when he gets bigger. I questioned in my head to say anything. This is all new to us and I felt like I have always been open and honest with him but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to cause a fight in the car or to have Tim feel like I under minded him in front of Justin. We got home so late last night that Tim and I haven't talked about it and now Justin is up so it will have to wait but how do you do this when you both don't agree. We agreed if we had a baby we would be open with the parents and have open communication but Tim feels in this situation he is taking it personally that after what they did to him it angers him and that he doesn't want him to ever have contact with them because how can you do that to a kid. I agree in my head I don't want him to want to contact them and I think any parent who adopts a child that is a bit older and the rights were taken away not voluntarily wouldn't want there child going back to them in fear that they might hurt there child or make them depressed which can lead to drugs and life long issues, or may make the child feel bad for them wanting there approval and which may lead to the child disappointment or the child being taken advantage of. I don't want this for him. But I feel being a good parents I have to suck it up and be there for him not his birth mom but to support him. My husband just feels there were bad things that happened because of them but Justin will find out either way that he can see them and may be mad at my husband for lying to him. I think Justin will need support but I don't want to have to pump my 6 year old that he can see his birth mom one day if he chooses to because I can see him working this against us. I know him and I think that would be like feeding a monster.
I think this discussion may have to happen with Justin in his teens. If he has question about them as he grows up I will tell him and show him but he is to young to hear all the details of his life and I don't want him to spiral out of control. I think we need to get him under control first before telling him any of this. For the most part he is doing great. This isn't happening all the time but these are the issues that have happened since I last blogged that I didn't think would get worse but get better. I can see what my husband is saying that he will break my heart because I already see it happening and I hope I can snag it in time.
I just know in the car he kept on insisting that he will always think of his old mom and never will forget or get her out of his mind. I told him that is fine. She is your birth mom and I understand that you will always have love for her and won't forget but what is not okay is thinking of bad things about them and then treating us, extended family or the teacher badly because of it. We are all here trying to help you not go against you or fight you and you need to work with us. We will talk about it with you and cry about it with you but you just can't keep taken it out on everyone and being mean and bad to everyone because then it gets you into trouble. You have to start thinking of happy things. I told him it is fine to think of her just think in a happy way not a bad way. He stated he can't and he will always think that way. It is hard for my husband and I because we are trying to raise him the right way so he is not involved with the law and drugs and that but if he continues as stubborn as he is this way I am afraid for him. These are the good time and bad. I don't know how else to address this sensitive subject without getting him upset or myself. I don't know how to bring it down to a 6 year old level and the counselor I don't think is doing it. I need to find a way.
He played the other day with a kid from his school that was also adopted to his parents at 4 years old but he never wants to see his old family as they did very bad things as well and rights were taken away and he remembers the bad things and won't except it and is very grateful to his parents. Just said mom I wish we can adopt him so I can play and talk and have fun with him. That little boy is the same age as Justin and seemed to help him. He kept asking again about a brother or sister to adopt. I don't know if it is just to play with or if it is just to have something in common with. I started thinking that after he played with that little boy. I told him he can play more with that little boy. Justin says mom you always say that and I have only played with him twice. See we live on field so there is no neighbors where the kids at his school all have neighbors so to the parents me calling is like them trying to work us in there schedule I feel like. I try to get them together but something is always going on and either we are busy or they are and it is hard to get us together. I told him I will try but there is only so much I can do. So of course Justin says just adopt. Right now I don't know what we are going to do we will see what comes to us. I did get a call on a 9 year old with 2 older sisters but we had to pass. To old and to many issues and I don't feel the 9 year old would even want to play with Justin nor are we questioning what age we would even want. We will see what good decides to give us baby or older. I guess I am just putting my heart out there. We will see what the future holds.


  1. You're doing a great job, hang in there! This road is not for the faint of heart...

    To answer your question, the agency I'm working with is still in the process of getting licensed. I think it should be complete into the new year. I'll let you know when they're "live". I really stand behind their mission and the way they're approaching foster adoption.

  2. I promise to come back later when I have more time and read your post, but I just wanted to comment back on the comment you left me.

    We haven't officially decided on a childfree life, but it is something we talk very seriously about. Right now we consider it as "taking a break" but we don't know when or if that break will end.

    I've realized that all the stuff I have is just stuff. Having all the baby stuff in the world doesn't make me a mom. I also feel that right now it brings more pain then joy so its time to let it go. If we do become parents in the furute, it is all stuff we can buy and we would be excited to buy stuff for a baby so, to me, its not a big deal if I get rid of the baby stuff. That room has been unused for 4 years which just reminds how much of life I have missed because I put it on hold along with the rest of my life. There is a few baby blankets I'm going to hold onto for now. They are the items I have that seem to have meaning to me and when I think about giving them away it breaks my heart, so for now, I will hold onto those.

  3. Have you heard of the book "I Love You Stinky Face"? I think you should invest in it and read it to him everyday. It's a littler kids book, but it is a way for hiim to hear how you feel about him. Our little one is 4, nearly 5, and he has been saying hurtful things to us too. We've had him for nearly a year and are about to finalize. Since reading the book to him, he has been asking different questions instead of being hurtful. He has asked us how much we love him and if it's really going to last...Just a thought. We'll keep your family in our prayers.

  4. Poor little guy sounds very confused and angry.
    I know it seems like he is wiser than his years but I'm sure you know that he really is only 6 and right now I think he is testing you. He is testing whether you are permanently in his life and the way it is coming out is hurtful to you. :(
    Secondly while I am sure your son is happy to be in your family, it sounds like he is still grieving his old one. I think grief truly does come in stages and takes a long time for a small child to process. My only advice is to keep wearing your thick skin and try not to take his grief personally.
    Being relinquished is sad. Being adopted is happy. Sometimes those issues can get confused.
    His grief isn't about you. It's about losing his bio family. That's a hard one to process when you are just a little guy.
    I'm wondering if it is possible for you and your husband to meet with a counselor (without your son) who can help you both get on the same page with handling his tough questions. I'm sure it would be easier if you both have a patent standard answer to his really tough questions.
    I agree that adopting an older child must be really trying at times. It sounds like all of you have been through quite a lot. I hope it gets better soon.