Monday, May 24, 2010

sorry it's been so long had to get my head on straight

Well I never told you about mother's day because I had nothing good to tell. I am not upset or mad about it of course I wish it was better I guess I shouldn't have these high expectations but Justin had a ruff time even after the X he did in my carpet with the marker one day and then the colored pencils again the next day. I am pretty sure I told you in the last blog I wanted to pull my hair out but I tried not to express that to much for him because mothers day was hard for him so he was acting out. He is starting to continue to act out because he is starting to forget things about his old parents and that makes him mad. He can't remember them as vividly as he wants to anymore. It will be 8 months since he first came to join our family so I think he has grown accustomed to our ways that it makes it hard to remember day to day events with them and that is hard on him. I feel bad and wish I can take that away. No 5 year old should have to feel the loss there parents. I mean they are alive and well but to him it is like they are gone because he knows he can't see them and time is passing longer and longer. Oh and for the old fathers attempt to get Justin back the social worker said that the judge looked over the documents and has found no mistakes but didn't sign off on it and the old fathers lawyer put in for an extension but they put it in later then the date they had to have it in by so she told me now it is up to the judge to decide whether he will take the extension being it came in late to look into it. I ask how long but she said 4-6 months and I asked from now and she said when the first one came in January. I asked if this would be completed before school in September and she seemed almost positive it would. I explained he doesn't like to be called by his other name he likes to be called by our name and when he just went to the dentist he even made her change his name and she said he spelt it for her and every thing. I know I thought that was sweet. So it does effect him and bother him and I just didn't want him to go through explaining the change of names at school or anything I wanted him to have a fresh new start to the school year. He is already mourning losing his friends at school. He keeps telling me he won't remember them and he won't see them again and that would be another loss for him. I told him we have there phone numbers and we can see them in the summer plus I enrolled him in there bible week classes. They have class for a week in July and the teacher says most of the class he is with will be there so I am trying to ease that. Plus he is constantly telling me he wants a big brother. Not a small sibling or boy or girl a big brother. I talked to Tim and I don't know if we could take much older then 6 maybe 7. Justin already has this many issues and he came to us at 4 going on 5 and a child in the system for a long time comes with a lot more issues plus every time you see a child that is older it always says has to be the only child or the youngest and well that isn't happening since Justin is only 5. He is really admit though and I feel bad. He keeps asking when are they going to call us. He wants someone to play with the whole summer. He is around a lot of adults so I think he wants to play with kids. School and day care he does and he will be going to day care 1 time a week for like 4 hours. We can set up play dates and stuff but I think he wants someone in the room next to him. I feel bad I can't give him that.So finally Saturday I broke down. I had to go to my sister in laws on Saturday she is getting married in September and all the ladies standing up had to go to help with invites and shower stuff and my girlfriend if you remember from last years blog that said she is like me and she will never be pregnant and was crying on my shoulder all the time and then got pregnant with in 9 months was there and she is due in 3 weeks then there is another girl that is pregnant standing up that is 4 months along and all I had to hear is about there baby stuff all day long. Both of them going back and forth. I can handle it but for only so long until I start getting upset and thinking of myself. To give you an idea we all had to be there at 12 and we stayed till 9 at night so I mean all day and I had no one to lean on and I remember when she couldn't get pregnant she always use to say how our other girlfriend that is pregnant always felt like she was throwing it in her face and felt like that is all she talked about and she was mad about it and told me she would never do that. Well guess the tide has turned. I had to hear ohh everyone feel the baby. Oh baby is hungry and wants to eat. I had to hear how cute they looked pregnant and how cute and small there babies are going to be. On top of all that my mom was getting married the same day and all I could think about was my dad. I am mad at myself now for doing it but I started drinking. I know that is not the worst thing in the world but I feel like it is when you are using it to help you not feel anything. When Tim came later because the guys came for dinner at 7 with the girls and went outside and called his mom crying and said how I didn't know how much more I can handle. I told her I missed my dad and I am constantly reminded that I can't get pregnant and I told her I felt horrible and I like to feel in control of myself and I couldn't get control of my emotions. She was so good to me. She even brought me flowers the next day and had a tear in her eye. My mother in law is awesome and I am lucky to have both her and Tim in my life. Tim was trying to find me because it was time to eat and he found me outside crying to his mom and I just couldn't help it. He kept telling em we have the best family in the world and Justin is just so perfect in our lives and he doesn't understand why Justin isn't enough for me and he just wants me to be happy. I tried explaining that Justin make me very happy and it is not that it just was a bad day. Between my mom getting married and listening to all this baby talk all day long it just was killing me that was 2 major losses in my life and I know I have never got through and I just try to deal with it and on a usual day I can I am not talking about those two things all day but when it is all day I couldn't help it. I just wanted to go home and couldn't. Of course I came in and everyone thought I was upset because I missed Justin because he was at my in laws house and yeah I missed him but not enough to cry over it was only a few hours but I let them believe that. So I swore to Tim I will not drink again just to not feel emotions. I was mad at myself and didn't want Justin to see me weak. He needs to see my strong. I wasn't drunk but I was tipsy. I know when to stop because like I said before I like to be in control of myself and I don't like to make a fool of myself but I just wanted the edge off. Sorry it has been so long since my last post but I didn't have that much nice things to say and I didn't want to be a Debbie downer. We are going up north this week to have fun and it should be a great time. Also no distractions. No pregnant ladies I won't think of my dad. Just good fun with my family and family friends. Talk to you all soon thanks for listening. :)

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Happy Early Birthday DAD we all miss you!

Dad we miss you so much. I know your birthday is tomorrow but as you know we are leaving for Chicago tomorrow so we celebrated it last night and you know we will be thinking of you on Friday. I miss you so much and wish you were here to see my little guy. You would love him. He loves cars just like you. He wants a red fast car when he gets older and I showed him your picture of your red lambo and he was amazed and asked if he could have it and I explained we don't have it anymore and he said he would really have liked to have meet you. When we brought home the cake to sing happy birthday Justin said why don't we go up top heaven and bring it and I thought that was the cutest thing in the world. Every night since Monday when I told him your birthday is coming he has been saying this birthday prayer in the prayer book I got him every night and saying he says it for you and he says the I miss you prayer too. It is so sweet and so cute and thoughtful and we think about you always as you know. I wish you can be here I can really use your strength right now. You know mom and how she is and she is just so mean and Justin over heard me when I was talking int he laundry room talking my my Ricky (my brother) about how mean mom is and how she always takes every one's side but mine here own family. She is giving me the silent treatment again and I don't know how much more I can take from her dad. I try to be nice because she is my mom and because you would want me to have some sort of family even though I consider Tim's family my family as you did. She does this to me all the time. She is never there for us doesn't care about anyone but her self and doesn't care who she is hurting dad and she is really putting me in a bad place where I start to get angry. Tim was telling me yesterday how I should be able to realty to Justin more then anyone because I didn't have the best family growing up. I had you but that was all I had. You know Ricky is about money and mom is too and you know that is why she is marrying this poor man. I don't think he knows what he is getting himself into but I feel once he marry's her she is no longer my responsibility. I know I told you I would always take care of mom and Rick but now that she is getting married and Rick is being taken care of by him I don't feel like I have to be part of all that. She is being really childish over foolish stuff and she is being really hurtful and telling me I am always there for Tim's family and not for ours. But I am the one who comes out there every year if it wasn't for me going I would have never seen her again. She makes no attempts to come out here and see us. She has a grandson now for God sakes. It hurt me that she didn't go to his birthday party we threw him but I got over it and figured she would try to at least come down and see this little guy who is now a part of this family and she could care less. It is all about her and her boyfriend she doesn't act like a mom as you know she acts like a 16 year old girl. I have tried dad. I swear I didn't do anything wrong. I told her I wasn't going to Christina's wedding in NY in January dead of winter. Told mom that if it was in the summer or spring or something we would make a vacation out of it but to pay for 3 airplane tickets because Justin gets car sick and pay $110 a person for a gift for here because mom says that is how much the plates are and a hotel room for 2 nights and food and everything else I am spending a fortune on a family that can give a crap about me. Mom was more made that I wasn't going to that wedding then her own. She is having it in the backyard and I think the guy is nice but he will never be my dad nor would I consider or call him a step dad. All I can think of is you and it is too weird to be standing at your own mom's wedding to another guy I just don't feel comfortable. Not only that but she has never been here once she left after you passed. She didn't even send Justin something for Easter. I mean he is a kid grandma's are suppose to want to do that stuff for there grandsons. I don't care if she doesn't want to be a mother to be and treat me like a door mat fine but not to my little boy. Be a grandma let him know you cared. Justin asked if she sent anything for Easter because Tim's mom spoiled him death so I gave him one of the presents from us and said it came from her. That is sad and makes me more mad with her. Dad I also have to let you know I sent mom flower and a card for mothers day already I know she got them on Monday because Rick told me when I called to wish him a happy birthday and she couldn't even call and say thanks. I even sent a card to her boyfriend for his upcoming birthday. No thanks or anything. I get treated like I am a nobody and if she can't call me back or call to say thanks for what I sent not even a e-mail then I am done dad. I am sorry and I am sure you understand because you know how she is but I am done. She can't keep bringing me down and I am not going to let it effect Justin that is my son and she is not going to do that to him like she has done to me all these years. If she doesn't want to be part of our lives fine but I don't want her calling me for nothing because you know how she loves to call when she needs something. I just she could just be a grown up and just call me back I have called her three times for her to call and nothing. I mean this is childish. We haven't talked in almost a month now and Rick agrees she is being unreasonable but he says he can't say anything because she pays his bills and school and everything else so you know how that goes. I also have been thinking about what to give her for her wedding. This is awkward how much do you spend, what would she like she is having it in the backyard of her boyfriends house. I sent cookies that are designed for a wedding since she will only have a few people there they can snack on and I don't know what else if something engraved or what. I wish you could be here so I would have someone from my past that at least cares and can share in this exciting time of having Justin with me besides Tim's family. You know how Tim is very similar to you and he doesn't like fights or arguments and always wants everyone to get along but he is even saying dad that I should just be done with her because she is just bringing me down making Justin ask questions about her and she just puts a negative spin and stress to my life and he said we don't need that and if she can't join in our happiness because I think he is mad for how much we have done for her since you passed and how she is never there for us when we would like and it effects Justin. He asks why she doesn't visit or call. I don't think that is far and I don't want to lie to him and says she is busy I just tell him she is mad at mommy. It is hard. He has been through enough I don't want him to be drug into her drama she like to create. Thanks dad for listening. I have had so much to tell you. I feel funny sometimes talking by myself in some room what if someone walked in and thought I was talking to myself. I know you are around me I can sometimes feel it or you play with the music dials int he car and it makes me smile and sad because I miss you and can really use you in my life right now. Tomorrow you would have been 51 years old. I miss you more then you can imagine and I know you see Justin but I wish he could have met you. You two would have loved one another he would have been your little buddy. I show him pic's of you all the time and he calls you grandpa I have a pic of him next to your cake below. Love you and miss you so much. xxxoooo

Monday, May 3, 2010

Ruff Patch

Boy have we had a ruff patch. Poor Justin with this eye patch it is a struggle to make him wear it and he fights me and is nasty every time we put it on. He finally told me he is thinking about his mom a lot and every time he thinks of her he is bad he says. Well he must be thinking about her a bunch because today he was on 2 separate occasions in time out for 30 minutes. It starts out as 5 minutes then if he continues to talk back or be mean or physical or any of the unnecessary behavior he gets an added 5 minutes then stars also get taken away. We have a star policy that if he does good things like cleans his room, or brings his laundry down for mom or uses the swifter to vacuum the tile or shares or shows nice behaviors to show he is trying to be a good person he gets a start and for so many stars he gets stuff that we bought on top of the fridge that he can see so he wants it and if he is bad and they are taken away things can be taken away. Well that was working for a while but now it is getting difficult. He is like a different kid something just snaps in his brain. We have had the talk that it is okay to miss your mom but we can't have that kind of behavior. He has been laughing even at our punishments. It had been ruff. I don't know what else to take away but tv and his 1/2 hour of play station he gets but he is being stubborn then anything I have ever seen before. AHHHH. I am ready to pull my hair out. I just want to have those fun days. I guess I thought we got through the hurdles that were tuff for the first 4to 5 months but we are back and maybe a little worse then that. We had such a good bonding family fun time for last while here and these last few weeks I don't know like 3 to 4 weeks have been ruff. Since probably sometime after Easter he started to change. I am trying my hardest to keep my cool in front of him and try to sit down and talk it out but you can't at his age. He continues to be more definite until I walk away and tell him you are in time out I will not talk to you until the time out is over and you have time to think and of course he says I don't need to think and I am not going to think and I tell him that is fine then just sit there if you choose to then the remark is I don't choose to sit here at all and I wont then that starts and I just walk away and remind him that if he gets up he will get more time. So you can imagine in 60 minutes total for the day of time out how many times he continue to test to no end. The time kept increasing and the stars kept coming down and then stuff kept being taken away until finly he tells me he will listen to later he does it all over again. Ahhh I am some what new to the whole parenting thing and he is driving me crazy. I want my sweet little boy back I miss him. I tell him that when he is in a better mood and he hugs me (awww) I know but then he can start up in a second. I am only human and I sometimes think I am a horrible parents or something when I see everyone Else's kids listening and even the child that also came out of foster care and was recently adopted comes out of the class and asks his mom if she is happy with him today as I listen to the teacher today say "Justin you need to listen stop what you are doing and look at me and she had to get up and get eye to eye with him because he continued to act up. I swear this is not like him and I am not just saying it because I am his mom but I truly can tell you he hasn't done this and it is driving me crazy and walk out of the school with my head down praying people aren't judging me as a parent for the way he is. The teacher had to pull me aside and everything with him. He hasn't gotten in trouble in school yet but she told me today for the first time he has been acting up a lot lately not listening and wanted to know if anything has changed in the home which it didn't and I just explained to her he says he has been thinking about his mom a lot lately and that is causing him to do this and I am not sure what to do. She said she will continue to work with him. I feel helpless. how do I get him to listen to the teacher at school he know he losses stars if he is bad at school. Well I am trying my best and I guess that is all I can do.