Thursday, May 6, 2010
Happy Early Birthday DAD we all miss you!
Dad we miss you so much. I know your birthday is tomorrow but as you know we are leaving for Chicago tomorrow so we celebrated it last night and you know we will be thinking of you on Friday. I miss you so much and wish you were here to see my little guy. You would love him. He loves cars just like you. He wants a red fast car when he gets older and I showed him your picture of your red lambo and he was amazed and asked if he could have it and I explained we don't have it anymore and he said he would really have liked to have meet you. When we brought home the cake to sing happy birthday Justin said why don't we go up top heaven and bring it and I thought that was the cutest thing in the world. Every night since Monday when I told him your birthday is coming he has been saying this birthday prayer in the prayer book I got him every night and saying he says it for you and he says the I miss you prayer too. It is so sweet and so cute and thoughtful and we think about you always as you know. I wish you can be here I can really use your strength right now. You know mom and how she is and she is just so mean and Justin over heard me when I was talking int he laundry room talking my my Ricky (my brother) about how mean mom is and how she always takes every one's side but mine here own family. She is giving me the silent treatment again and I don't know how much more I can take from her dad. I try to be nice because she is my mom and because you would want me to have some sort of family even though I consider Tim's family my family as you did. She does this to me all the time. She is never there for us doesn't care about anyone but her self and doesn't care who she is hurting dad and she is really putting me in a bad place where I start to get angry. Tim was telling me yesterday how I should be able to realty to Justin more then anyone because I didn't have the best family growing up. I had you but that was all I had. You know Ricky is about money and mom is too and you know that is why she is marrying this poor man. I don't think he knows what he is getting himself into but I feel once he marry's her she is no longer my responsibility. I know I told you I would always take care of mom and Rick but now that she is getting married and Rick is being taken care of by him I don't feel like I have to be part of all that. She is being really childish over foolish stuff and she is being really hurtful and telling me I am always there for Tim's family and not for ours. But I am the one who comes out there every year if it wasn't for me going I would have never seen her again. She makes no attempts to come out here and see us. She has a grandson now for God sakes. It hurt me that she didn't go to his birthday party we threw him but I got over it and figured she would try to at least come down and see this little guy who is now a part of this family and she could care less. It is all about her and her boyfriend she doesn't act like a mom as you know she acts like a 16 year old girl. I have tried dad. I swear I didn't do anything wrong. I told her I wasn't going to Christina's wedding in NY in January dead of winter. Told mom that if it was in the summer or spring or something we would make a vacation out of it but to pay for 3 airplane tickets because Justin gets car sick and pay $110 a person for a gift for here because mom says that is how much the plates are and a hotel room for 2 nights and food and everything else I am spending a fortune on a family that can give a crap about me. Mom was more made that I wasn't going to that wedding then her own. She is having it in the backyard and I think the guy is nice but he will never be my dad nor would I consider or call him a step dad. All I can think of is you and it is too weird to be standing at your own mom's wedding to another guy I just don't feel comfortable. Not only that but she has never been here once she left after you passed. She didn't even send Justin something for Easter. I mean he is a kid grandma's are suppose to want to do that stuff for there grandsons. I don't care if she doesn't want to be a mother to be and treat me like a door mat fine but not to my little boy. Be a grandma let him know you cared. Justin asked if she sent anything for Easter because Tim's mom spoiled him death so I gave him one of the presents from us and said it came from her. That is sad and makes me more mad with her. Dad I also have to let you know I sent mom flower and a card for mothers day already I know she got them on Monday because Rick told me when I called to wish him a happy birthday and she couldn't even call and say thanks. I even sent a card to her boyfriend for his upcoming birthday. No thanks or anything. I get treated like I am a nobody and if she can't call me back or call to say thanks for what I sent not even a e-mail then I am done dad. I am sorry and I am sure you understand because you know how she is but I am done. She can't keep bringing me down and I am not going to let it effect Justin that is my son and she is not going to do that to him like she has done to me all these years. If she doesn't want to be part of our lives fine but I don't want her calling me for nothing because you know how she loves to call when she needs something. I just she could just be a grown up and just call me back I have called her three times for her to call and nothing. I mean this is childish. We haven't talked in almost a month now and Rick agrees she is being unreasonable but he says he can't say anything because she pays his bills and school and everything else so you know how that goes. I also have been thinking about what to give her for her wedding. This is awkward how much do you spend, what would she like she is having it in the backyard of her boyfriends house. I sent cookies that are designed for a wedding since she will only have a few people there they can snack on and I don't know what else if something engraved or what. I wish you could be here so I would have someone from my past that at least cares and can share in this exciting time of having Justin with me besides Tim's family. You know how Tim is very similar to you and he doesn't like fights or arguments and always wants everyone to get along but he is even saying dad that I should just be done with her because she is just bringing me down making Justin ask questions about her and she just puts a negative spin and stress to my life and he said we don't need that and if she can't join in our happiness because I think he is mad for how much we have done for her since you passed and how she is never there for us when we would like and it effects Justin. He asks why she doesn't visit or call. I don't think that is far and I don't want to lie to him and says she is busy I just tell him she is mad at mommy. It is hard. He has been through enough I don't want him to be drug into her drama she like to create. Thanks dad for listening. I have had so much to tell you. I feel funny sometimes talking by myself in some room what if someone walked in and thought I was talking to myself. I know you are around me I can sometimes feel it or you play with the music dials int he car and it makes me smile and sad because I miss you and can really use you in my life right now. Tomorrow you would have been 51 years old. I miss you more then you can imagine and I know you see Justin but I wish he could have met you. You two would have loved one another he would have been your little buddy. I show him pic's of you all the time and he calls you grandpa I have a pic of him next to your cake below. Love you and miss you so much. xxxoooo