Monday, May 24, 2010

sorry it's been so long had to get my head on straight

Well I never told you about mother's day because I had nothing good to tell. I am not upset or mad about it of course I wish it was better I guess I shouldn't have these high expectations but Justin had a ruff time even after the X he did in my carpet with the marker one day and then the colored pencils again the next day. I am pretty sure I told you in the last blog I wanted to pull my hair out but I tried not to express that to much for him because mothers day was hard for him so he was acting out. He is starting to continue to act out because he is starting to forget things about his old parents and that makes him mad. He can't remember them as vividly as he wants to anymore. It will be 8 months since he first came to join our family so I think he has grown accustomed to our ways that it makes it hard to remember day to day events with them and that is hard on him. I feel bad and wish I can take that away. No 5 year old should have to feel the loss there parents. I mean they are alive and well but to him it is like they are gone because he knows he can't see them and time is passing longer and longer. Oh and for the old fathers attempt to get Justin back the social worker said that the judge looked over the documents and has found no mistakes but didn't sign off on it and the old fathers lawyer put in for an extension but they put it in later then the date they had to have it in by so she told me now it is up to the judge to decide whether he will take the extension being it came in late to look into it. I ask how long but she said 4-6 months and I asked from now and she said when the first one came in January. I asked if this would be completed before school in September and she seemed almost positive it would. I explained he doesn't like to be called by his other name he likes to be called by our name and when he just went to the dentist he even made her change his name and she said he spelt it for her and every thing. I know I thought that was sweet. So it does effect him and bother him and I just didn't want him to go through explaining the change of names at school or anything I wanted him to have a fresh new start to the school year. He is already mourning losing his friends at school. He keeps telling me he won't remember them and he won't see them again and that would be another loss for him. I told him we have there phone numbers and we can see them in the summer plus I enrolled him in there bible week classes. They have class for a week in July and the teacher says most of the class he is with will be there so I am trying to ease that. Plus he is constantly telling me he wants a big brother. Not a small sibling or boy or girl a big brother. I talked to Tim and I don't know if we could take much older then 6 maybe 7. Justin already has this many issues and he came to us at 4 going on 5 and a child in the system for a long time comes with a lot more issues plus every time you see a child that is older it always says has to be the only child or the youngest and well that isn't happening since Justin is only 5. He is really admit though and I feel bad. He keeps asking when are they going to call us. He wants someone to play with the whole summer. He is around a lot of adults so I think he wants to play with kids. School and day care he does and he will be going to day care 1 time a week for like 4 hours. We can set up play dates and stuff but I think he wants someone in the room next to him. I feel bad I can't give him that.So finally Saturday I broke down. I had to go to my sister in laws on Saturday she is getting married in September and all the ladies standing up had to go to help with invites and shower stuff and my girlfriend if you remember from last years blog that said she is like me and she will never be pregnant and was crying on my shoulder all the time and then got pregnant with in 9 months was there and she is due in 3 weeks then there is another girl that is pregnant standing up that is 4 months along and all I had to hear is about there baby stuff all day long. Both of them going back and forth. I can handle it but for only so long until I start getting upset and thinking of myself. To give you an idea we all had to be there at 12 and we stayed till 9 at night so I mean all day and I had no one to lean on and I remember when she couldn't get pregnant she always use to say how our other girlfriend that is pregnant always felt like she was throwing it in her face and felt like that is all she talked about and she was mad about it and told me she would never do that. Well guess the tide has turned. I had to hear ohh everyone feel the baby. Oh baby is hungry and wants to eat. I had to hear how cute they looked pregnant and how cute and small there babies are going to be. On top of all that my mom was getting married the same day and all I could think about was my dad. I am mad at myself now for doing it but I started drinking. I know that is not the worst thing in the world but I feel like it is when you are using it to help you not feel anything. When Tim came later because the guys came for dinner at 7 with the girls and went outside and called his mom crying and said how I didn't know how much more I can handle. I told her I missed my dad and I am constantly reminded that I can't get pregnant and I told her I felt horrible and I like to feel in control of myself and I couldn't get control of my emotions. She was so good to me. She even brought me flowers the next day and had a tear in her eye. My mother in law is awesome and I am lucky to have both her and Tim in my life. Tim was trying to find me because it was time to eat and he found me outside crying to his mom and I just couldn't help it. He kept telling em we have the best family in the world and Justin is just so perfect in our lives and he doesn't understand why Justin isn't enough for me and he just wants me to be happy. I tried explaining that Justin make me very happy and it is not that it just was a bad day. Between my mom getting married and listening to all this baby talk all day long it just was killing me that was 2 major losses in my life and I know I have never got through and I just try to deal with it and on a usual day I can I am not talking about those two things all day but when it is all day I couldn't help it. I just wanted to go home and couldn't. Of course I came in and everyone thought I was upset because I missed Justin because he was at my in laws house and yeah I missed him but not enough to cry over it was only a few hours but I let them believe that. So I swore to Tim I will not drink again just to not feel emotions. I was mad at myself and didn't want Justin to see me weak. He needs to see my strong. I wasn't drunk but I was tipsy. I know when to stop because like I said before I like to be in control of myself and I don't like to make a fool of myself but I just wanted the edge off. Sorry it has been so long since my last post but I didn't have that much nice things to say and I didn't want to be a Debbie downer. We are going up north this week to have fun and it should be a great time. Also no distractions. No pregnant ladies I won't think of my dad. Just good fun with my family and family friends. Talk to you all soon thanks for listening. :)

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