Well I am still chugging along, or at least I am trying too. This facility doesn't make it any easier. So we have been trying to keep positive with positive notes and wish full thinking to our selves. I have notes in the house to say that we will have a child or children by Thanksgiving. I know what you are thinking high expectations but you need something to try to look forward to. Not only that but in August I had put that by labor day we would have a child and that next day we had an e-mail about those possible 2 boys that then the foster mom decided to keep them but we had a chance or and opportunity at least. Then as that fell through those 2 kids landed in our lap. Even though it was only 48 hours of watching them, it gave me a taste of motherhood. Even though I was tired, and doing all this stuff to make sure they were happy. Even though I wore sweat pant and sweat shirt because because I was getting dirty between running after them and spit up and was pee ed on it was all worth it to be a mom. Now I crave for it even more then before. I figure if I set a goal and I believe it in my mind and feel it in my heart that will come true. What else does anyone have to go on but faith and hope, because at the end of the day that is all we ever have. That is kind of where I am at, at this time.
Well getting to the frustrating week, I e-mailed my social worker at DHS because I had got a letter from her last weekend about my Pride training classes that need to be done. Well I have a license because Catholic Social services gave me there training but it wasn't PRIDE so DHS said they will take my licences and that they would keep it open but that I had to have these classes. Well the classes are in November on Saturday's and I have classes on those days to get my certification and license to be a AAPC coder. Which in fancy terms mean I am certified and if certified you make more money and in some instances can work from home with the right job which would be great when we adopt so I am trying to look at the big picture. Anyway I can't do those classes in November and they said I need them completed by January now (didn't tell me that before) or I will not have a license for foster care to get to adoption with them, which means they can drop me. So now in my stricken panic I have called all these DHS agencies in all the county's in 60 mile radius and pretty much no luck. With holiday's coming and all they have told me that limits my chances and that my agency said they only do training once every 3 months so 4 times a year and only on set dates if you can't make it, it is pretty much oh well. Well I start classes tomorrow and I have all this landing on me. The best part is I called the agency director and told him that I could not attend the classes that month and he told me that the wait would just be longer for me because in order to have a child placed or fostered that I had to have this training and that is the reason no social worker would call me back. I explained to him that all already had another home study done and it was done by them and he was shocked and said that is not the way it worked. I also told him I did respite care for 2 children for 2 days and he said that was impossible. He told me that "you just have to do the training and soon or you are just not going to have any chance here. Like I explained to him that I want to do it and I would love to if they gave more opportunities to. So of course after talking to him while I was at work today I went home crying to Tim that this is never going to happen. I know This is where the notes of positivity came in. I also had an e-mail back from my social worker at DHS that said they have a possibility for a bi-racial child that was born very small and born early and wanted to know if we were interest. We had called her back that was on Monday and it is now Friday and have yet to hear back (frustrating). I don't get this mess at all with DHS and starting to question if going there was the right thing to do. I am also wondering if we should have just done international adoption and then it wouldn't be as difficult. Of course that wouldn't be the easiest thing but I bet we would have a child by now. I just feel defeated with no support from that agency at all. All this was never explained to us and we never get any contact with them. When we had the home study in August to do over again with a new agency they never explained anything and I asked repeatedly if they could send me info and let me know about this training as soon as possible and now look were I stand. My other social worker at CSM which is Catholic Services said there are no birth moms at this time and have only done 1 adoption this year. That is it and now the list is up to 19 couples so my chances there are limited. I thought by opening up our search it would help us find a child. I will be honest with all of you this is what we have put in our profile for what we wanted for a child. I know this is uncharted territory and nobody wants to hurt feelings or alienate people but this is what we can handle and it gives you an idea of our profile. We said we would take up to 2 children at a time and any gender that doesn't matter either way and age ranging from 0-6 years old and anything from 6-10 would have to depend on the situation. We said we would take Caucasian, bi-racial, Asian, Hispanic, Muslim, native American (if able to be adopted), and a couple of different ethnicity's that I can't think of off the top of my head but they were options on the paper we filled out. We said we would take children with mild special need. This is not to hurt any feelings or that I have anything against special need and I think people who adopt and take care of special needs children are really special people, but I work full time and have to with no choice because I carry the insurance. I feel kids in general need 24 hour care but a special needs child needs much more care that I will not always be around for. Therefore, we said mild spacial needs like learning disability's, cleft palate, club foot, speech problems, a bunch of little things that classify to DHS or any agency that this is a special needs child. We said it would be hard for us if child was medically fragile, or was wheelchair bound, or had spinal bifida, things that are sever special needs I don't think is for us or is something that we can handle on our own. I am sorry if this offends anyone but that was not my intention. I just wanted to show home open we tried to be. When we were with our first agency we said only any gender, but has to be an infant and only Caucasian and healthy. We were very close minded about other opportunities and this is not to say that if anyone wants those things that it is wrong but what I have come to learn is not child is perfect. Even if I was able to give birth to my own child they would not be perfect but at the same time I also want to keep some sort of boundaries and realistic goals that I know my husband and I can handle. It is very hard to say to an opportunity to have a child that is not what we know we can handle just to have a child. I know we have to be realistic and we have to meet in the middle. Tim and I don't always agree with what we want but we tried to meet in the middle. I am from NY ordinally for 19 year so having a child that is African American is not a problem for me I will love them what ever color they are but my husband on the other hand is very old fashion. He gets his old fashion ways from his family that lived in Kentucky for a while and that where we live we live were there is no African Americana's in our area or at the school, which my husband has a point that they will already know they are adopted and then if they go to a school that is all Caucasian that they will feel out of place or alienated. Which I think I can see that point. If we lived in a more rural place it shouldn't matter but we don't which is unfortunate because there are so many African American kids that do need to be adopted :(. So my husband and I agreed to meet in the middle on our decisions. If he makes a valid point then I will agree with it. Although I have in my favorites a blog that is called "dreams really do come true" that if you are interested check her blog out her baby is the cutest little thing I have ever saw and his smile is even cuter :). Well this gives you all an idea of what we are about and a little bit of ourselves. Man, I am getting really personal and letting you all right into my front door and right into our bedroom. I just let my whole heart and honesty on the line. I am sometimes scared to do that as it can bit you in the butt. I hope none are offended and understand my choices and decisions and hope that you will still continue to follow my journey through this crazy thing they call adoption and the roller coaster of emotions it takes you on. I swear sometimes I don't even know myself anymore now that we have been going through this adoption for over a year. Well I keep hope and faith in my heart and pray that my dreams will come true and that I will have a child. Also I was just thinking, my husband and I about brainstorming on adoption agencies that people have gone through or heard about that are the best. That get back to you and wants to answer your questions and that maybe you don't have to feel like you are waiting forever. Thank you all again for letting me let everything in my mind and body out. This feels almost like a diary only sometimes people blog back to you so you get answers or suggestions which is kind of better then a diary :) .