Thursday, April 29, 2010

What if you got pregnant as planned

I was thinking about this yesterday when I was trying to figure out why the infertility bothered me so much. I decided to dig deep and figure out my true feelings. Well I thought if everything went as planned and I got pregnant would I have 2 kids or 3. Tim always wanted 2 and I always wanted 3. I wondered how big or small our babies would be, what my stomach would look like pregnant? Would my children have been healthy? Who would they look like Tim or me? Would they be a girl and a boy or 2 boys or 2 girls? Would the girl or girls be daddy's little girl like I was would the boys be mommas boys? What would they look like? What would there personality be like? I know this kind of sounds silly to think about someone or something that never happened but it is a fantasy. It is something you think about before you decided to try to get pregnant out of curiosity and now that you learn you won't be pregnant those thoughts start to become real since it hits you that won't happen that fantasy you had. That is very real. I know you shouldn't dwell on the past but I figured if it bothered me this much I needed to figure out why and to understand my feelings about it because just like when my dad past and the infertility happened both were a big loss for me and I just closed up my feelings and said you have to just learn to deal with it. Then I think I am okay just like at the shower and all of a sudden those emotions came out of know where. I didn't think I would be effected like that. This happened to me the other day. I was in the store getting Birthday cards and mothers day card. May is a very busy month as mother's day card for both my mom and Tim's and my brother's birthday, Tim's birthday, my dad's was in May and my mom's boyfriend or soon to be husband is also in May and as I was being nice looking for a card for his birthday I couldn't help getting teared up in the store looking for his birthday card because all I can think is I am looking for a card for my mom's soon to be husband when I should be looking for a card for my dad even though he is not here any more it still sparked at me all of a sudden in the store and that lingered with me all day. That is when I decide to look deeper and figure out why I get that way and why I can't just express my emotions normally without feeling I am wrong in some way. I am not one to go to a psychiatrist. Not that I don't believe in them as I know a bunch of people who get help but I would rather vent and talk about it with friends and family that knew what I went through rather then tell someone who I know is going to tell me what I already know as I am not dealing with the issue which I am trying to do now. Thanks for letting me express and get this out so I can leave this here and not let it tag along with me all day in my mind. These are just some of my thoughts I was thinking about yesterday and it followed me to today and I figured when I type it out I get it out and feel better for the rest of the day. Thanks :)


  1. Right now I am reading a book called "Jesus Wept." Its about understand and enduring loss. One of the parts that really stuck with me is that any loss will always be a part of you. You don't over come loss. You grieve and then you learn to live slightly different because that loss is now a part of who you are. The loss of your father will always be a part of you. So will the loss of having biological children. They have made who you are today. You can't overcome those losses and I don't think you can ever completely move on. Each time you think of your dad, you will be sad because you miss him so much. But you also have all the happy memories with him. Each time you think of pregnancy, you will fill that loss and wonder, what if? Its okay to have hard days. The trick is to not get stuck in them and loose the rest of yourself to it.

  2. Thanks Savannah you always are so positive and have such nice things to say thanks for lifting my spirits and making me not think I am a crazy person to feel this way. :)