Thursday, April 29, 2010

Need Help!!!!!

So I wanted to strangle Justin today. I don't mean it literally but he was just pushing me over the edge and I feel bad saying that because I have waited all this time but I need to ask for some help or what you think. So Yesterday I picked Justin up from school he was in a great mood and all was good. I just finished kidding around and dancing to the theme music fro one of his shows on Nick and he was laughing and loves to dance and play funny when that music comes on and after it was over he was watching it and coloring with his crayons. I told him I would be right back I just had to do a little work since I worked from home yesterday to be with him more he came running in like 5 maybe 10 minutes later all happy and jumping around and jumping on my lap and that is when I noticed the marker all over his hands. I mean all over his hand. I said Justin where did you get marker from because you know you are not allowed to play with marker in this house especially on our carpet. I told him there better not be any marker on the carpet. He went running then I knew something was wrong. I went in and he was sitting on it and acted like he didn't know what happened then gave me 50 million ways of how it could have happened but all by mistake and none matched up with what he was saying. So after he was in time out for and hour because he after I told him I was throwing away the markers because he is not to play with them in the house and I told him no TV for the rest of the day he refused to get on the couch for a time out so the time keep increasing even though it started at 5 minutes. After his hour time out I made him dinner and told him to eat and spend the rest of the night up in his room. He had that tacked on to no PlayStation and now his punishment was not TV yesterday and today and no PlayStation for the same days and he had to play in his room for the rest of last night. He said he was sorry last night then he told my husband he did it because he was thinking of his old parents and what they did (can't get into specifics of what he said) because that made him be taken from them and he didn't want to be taken. I asked him if her was unhappy here and he said no but he missed his old mom and dad. Now we have an open door policy that he can ask us or talk to us about anything and we are very open with him we also have a counselor to help to ease these issues without the big blow ups we use to have for the first 3 months but those blow ups are now starting to come back. So he did tell us sorry and that he should be without all those things for a week and I told him 2 days is good. So I was being nice I read him a story still before he went to bed and said our prayers and today I picked him up from school bought him McD's like he likes, I let him have a piece of one of the Easter candy things he likes,and I watched a program that is for me but he likes it too and is fine for his age even thought he is not to watch TV I said he just can't watch what I am watching. I was on the phone with work since it is end of the month and they had questions and I get off the phone come in the room and he took a colored pencil and colored on my carpet in the same spot. I was so mad. I asked him calmly why he did it. The first thing he said was that he was not mad at anyone. I asked why did he do it. I made up some story again. So tomorrow he is suppose to go with Tim and I to a Tigers game his first baseball game he is really excited about and I told Justin to tell me the truth or he doesn't go he just keeps going around it so I took away the rest of his candy and he lunged at me really aggressively and was trying to fight me to get the candy and he looked really mean. I told him that is not going to happen I ripped it out of his hand picked him up and carried him up the stairs and as we were going he was kicking and kicked a spindle but I didn't baby him I just kept on going and put him in his room now he is in there for the rest of the night again. I don't know what is wrong with him all of a sudden. He told me just now after an hour in his room I asked him why he did it because at the time it happened I can't tell you how my heart was pounding out of my chest and heat in my head after he tried hurting me and called me dumb which he has never ever did. I know he could have learned that from his old family but he never has ever said that he he has been really mad and blown up before and I have never heard him say that. But he told me he colored on the carpet just because he wanted to. I felt like taking one of his toys and breaking it and saying how does it feel to have something of your ruined but I didn't want to sick to a child's level. But this is the first time he is ruining our stuff. He usually always ruins his own stuff and we tell him we won't buy him anything anymore is he is not going to care about what we get him. I am so mad at him he lost TV and PlayStation again for tomorrow maybe longer depending on what Tim says because he is going to hit the roof once he finds out. My husband was questioning me last night if I think it is all the immunizations we had to give him. I know that is controversial but he had none given and now that rights are termed even though we are still waiting on birth dad's appeal and they say it should be a done deal they told me to catch him up on the the immunization he should have had so since February he has had a lot and a lot of them mixed and usually kids don't get that much at one time they get it through out life it is also a concern because of the Mercury in them and he would have had a much higher level then other kids since he has had so much in the past 3 month he has had at least 11 immunization in that time. It is questionable. I just don't know. I asked if it had anything to do with his old parents he said not this time and I asked again then why he said he just felt like it and kind of giggled. I don't know what else to do. I know we look like a little perfect family but I don't want to talk about all the bad and negative when I have been waiting for this all this time and I finally get it when other friends in the blog world are still waiting for there chance to have a family. I know when I was waiting I used to say I wished people would appreciate what they have rather then not and I felt how fair is that they get to have a baby when they complain and I am over here waiting and so it makes me feel bad to say all this but truly I love and appreciate him but I need some help or input or something. Guidance even. He is driving me crazy and I don't know how to stop this behavior that is just springing back into action. I haven't seen him like this since maybe January and now he is back to this and it is bad. It is so bad that screamed at him when I was putting him in his room because he grabbed on to my hair and pulled that my throat hurts and I feel bad for that but he was just a monster and I don't understand it. When a kid ruins your stuff has nothing to say for it but they feel like it and giggle when they can tell your mad, and they lunge at you and call you dumb and pull your hair I just felt like I was going to loose it. I need some input to help me figure this out or to be a better mom. I don't know and now I am asking for help. HELP!!!!


  1. Oh sweetie, I feel so bad. I wish I had advise to offer. I have no experience with this, but I can't help but think that maybe he is scared he will get taken away. I think kids from foster care are so scared of being loved and loving in return that they act out. He might not even realize he is doing it. But maybe subconsciously he is scared this won't last so he is acting out so that if you are going to get rid of him, you will do it sooner instead of later. I think the best thing you can do is continue to show you love him. Make consequences for his actions, but then also continue to show you love him.

  2. Has anything else changed recentley for him? Are things going ok for him at school? I also agree with Savannah, he could be worried about you not really wanting him & going to another family. I say punish him, but show him that you love and always will love him but there are consequences for acting out like he has.

  3. as a survivor of 11 years of abuse, a kidnapping in which i was taken to mexico & held for a month, and having loved & lost 3 different fathers at different points of my life, i'll try to explain what HIS view is. obviously as a parent i may not be able to offer you what other readers can, but from your son's point of view, there are perfectly logical reasons for all these things. that doesn't make them okay, but it DOES change how you should go about handling them.

    i can guarantee you that at least part of what he's doing - if not all of it - is testing you. that does NOT mean it's an intentional thought of "oh, let's see how far i can push them." in his mind, nothing is secure, nothing can be taken for granted. so his little mind is trying to process what i'm sure you've told him - that he's home forever & nothing will make you stop loving him. i know for me, even now, sometimes i feel like i have to push limits at the beginning to get rid of people who ultimately will let me down.

    does that mean you should let him get away with it? NO.

    but it does mean that when you discipline him, make sure you're repeating the things he needs to hear: you're punishing him for what he did, but that doesn't change how much you love him, and as soon as punishment is over, all is forgiven.

    when you catch him in the act, try asking him what's really bothering him. he may not be able to give you an answer, but other times he may, and it could help you understand what's going on in the little guy.

    - michelle

  4. You're doing just fine at being a mom, it's not easy :-) I read that there is a councelor involved, is it an attachment therapist? If not I would look into finding one. This little boy has been through a lot in his short life and it will take a LONG time for him to feel secure...if ever. In our eight years of foster parenting, we saw so many issues related to attachment (or lack thereof), excessive lying (usually about trival things) is a big one. It is so hard to parent a child with these issues, please read every book on attachment that you possibly can and look into attachment therapy. In the meantime be very consistant with disciple, never ask "what happened" or "why did you do that" b/c you won't get an answer or you will get a lie...instead state the facts "we don't use markers in this house, you drew with markers on the carpet, you will take a five minute timeout (set a timer) for drawing on the carpet with marker" after the timeout make him help clean up the mess and most importantly find LOTS of time during the day for holding, touching, cuddling with your son...he needs that physical touch, he will probably not care for it at first but keep doing it! Things will probably get worse before it gets better :( Parenting a child with attachment issues (even if slight) will take more patience, selflessness and control than you ever thought you possessed but it is such a feeling of pleasure when you see that child begin to open his heart and mind to you!