Monday, April 26, 2010

infertility doesn't get any easier

I really thought that once Justin came I wouldn't have that feeling because I got what I always wanted which is family. I have a family now and it makes me so happy and blessed that I have it but pieces of me keep surprising me when I get emotional thinking about my infertility. So last year if you were reading my blog I told you about my girlfriend who latched on to me because she couldn't get pregnant but of course she thought it would happen first try so she tried for 8 months and couldn't get pregnant. Now for all of us we say 8 months is nothing she didn't even have to go to a specialist or any fertility treatment what so even not even clomid. But she would cry on MY SHOULDER someone who has been trying for in May 5 years now compared to here 8 month. She would cry and cry and criticize our other friend who was pregnant because she would say she couldn't even look at her because it would get her upset and she couldn't even go to a baby shower all this drama and only tried 8 months. She hated when our friend would rub her belly all the time she thought it was throwing it in our faces now I didn't say much in front of her because I was actually being smart and thinking what if she gets pregnant. Well guess what she did in her 9 months try. After she knew and didn't tell us for three months, when she found out she was pregnant was the day after I got Justin. I didn't see her for the whole 3 months not even to see Justin. So once she announced it she tried coming around all the time. Well anyway I am rambling I will get to it she had her baby shower yesterday. I honestly didn't have a bother in the world that I was going I just felt I have done this so many times I am fine and not feeling sad or emotional at all just saying in my head ok how long is this going to be because as you know like hers was like 4 hours and you get bored after a while or after watching gift after gift for over and hour. You get a little bit tired and like come on already I don't like going to these as it is that is why my bridal shower was in my mother in laws backyard and anyone and everyone could go and it was like a picnic style thing with volleyball, horse shoes, and a bunch of other things to do so people could get up and be casual and not feel contained to a room full of women for 4 hours. Sorry rambling again I have to get that under control. Any way her baby shower was yesterday and I was fine she was doing all the things of course that she hated when my friend was doing when she was pregnant that made me chuckle. Then before she opened her gifts she made a little speech just saying how she used to be jealous of pregnant women and now she is one and how Happy she is and now she finally feels like she fits in and all is right in her life and I don't remember what she said after because the first two sentences was all I can handle but now I fit in in and she gave our girlfriend who had the baby a little gift bag for the baby and all when before she would never even hold the baby because that would be helping our friend out and she didn't think she deserved help. I think that is just ridiculous and now she holds this little baby at the shower and gives her gifts and all and oh she did mention how her our our girlfriend are now going to be closer and bonded now that there babies can play. It started to hit me after as I started gazing and wondering off in my head as she was opening the presents. It was like my husband had a six sense. My phone vibrated and he was texting me at the shower and this is word for word our text to each other Tim: "how long until you will be home we miss you" Mine"I miss you too so much too why is Justin driving you crazy or something" Tim: "no were playing baseball and were thinking of you and wanted you home". Mine Well that sounds like fun I wish I was there instead of here this doesn't get any easier to go to these baby showers" Tim" Well we both love you and we have the best family anyone could want. I just have to say how cute. Then tears started to stream down my face and I had to excuse myself. I couldn't help it I just all of a sudden found I was an emotional mess at this shower and was afraid for anyone to see me like that. It was so hard I just wanted to go home to my family. I felt like no one knew how I felt. I felt alone and trapped. I am watching my 2 friends that had there kids there one who had a young baby that I was talking about earlier and my other some what of a friend who was pregnant and rubbing her tummy like crazy and I honestly didn't feel like I fit in. All these women got to experience being pregnant and having pictures of there big belly's and having a shower and everyone being excited for you and excited to see this baby, and they all get to experience and talk about the first time they held and looked at there child and they will get to share memories of the child as a baby and get to go through the whole experience and probably do it again for another child. I just feel so happy to have Justin but I can't say I even have a picture of him any younger then when he first came to us. There was no pictures and I don't know his background. I can't tell him his nationalities and don't know what his religion was before but we are choosing one for him since we don't know, I can't tell him any family history. DHS doesn't have any of this stuff so it is hard. I can't say when he was born he weighed ---- and
he was this long ----- and he was born at ------ time. I don't know where all his scares came from I know some but not all that has happened to him in his life and all these women have no idea of what that feels like because they are all going to experience it and they all think I am fine because I have Justin when I guess I am obviously not. So no infertility never gets easier and I had learned that yesterday. It still carries into today and I don't know how to stop this and move on. It is the same thing with my dad passing I know I will never get over it but when can I just learn to deal with it. It is so hard and I don't want Justin or Tim to ever feel that from me. I have to be showing it in some way if it is bothering me this much. I don't want that to happen they mean to much to me. I just am trying to look forward. But why can't I deal with it. I will never get pregnant we did all we could do exhausted ever option and now are adopting to make our dream for a family come true but the infertility still creeps in my head and starts being this negative force. I feels like a magnet it sucks the life out of you. I make me so emotional and upset. I hate that because I know I was always stronger then that. After my dad and the infertility it is like I have become weak. Just like I said like it sucked the life out of me. Thanks for all listening this is the only place I can go and really explain myself and feel like people understand me and not judge me. I can't talk this openly with anyone because they truly don't understand these feelings at all and I felt some of you may have felt this as well. I just don't want to hear another person is pregnant or inviting me to any baby showers for a while.Thank you all again.


  1. Infertility will always be a part of you. Becoming a mother through adoption doesn't take away the pain of infertility. Adoption helps take away of the pain of not being a mom at all. Even now that you are a mom, there is still that group of mothers you will never fit into. I agree, it sucks that you didn't get to have Justin grow in your belly and have all of those baby experiences with him. But it doesn't change the fact that you are his mom. That was your main goal, just to be a mom. Infertility will always be a loss that will stick with you your entire life. I wish there was a way to make the pain of it disappear. The hard part is that no one will ever understand that. Infertility affects you mind, body, heart and soul. Its not something you completely over come.

  2. I agree with Savannah. Even though you have your little guy it still hurts to see things happen for other people that you used to dream would happen for you. I still have that happen to me. I just got invited to my cousin's baby shower where she is having her second one not married. I'm 7 years older than her. Opening the announcement was incredibly difficult and I am planning on not going. Sometimes you need to take care of yourself and let yourself have breaks from the things that hurt.