Monday, August 17, 2009

Another day with my thoughts

Sunday the 23 will be my 28 birthday. I was thinking back to when Tim and I first talked about kids. We always said that kids were really important to both of us. At the time we meet I was 18 and Tim was 21. We always said we wanted children at a young age and we wanted to be young parents. I said I wanted to be into 1 years of marriage before we had our first child and how I wanted my second child by the time I was 27 or 28. If things went the way we always planned I would have two kids right now. It is weird how things work. Also when we got married Tim and I even talked about after our 1 year anniversary we would start trying and I was 23 when we got married. I also knew when we got married my dad was sick and I had hoped that my dad would at least see my first child. I think to my self, I guess this is a lesson that you can't plan everything. I don't want to feel bad for myself but I catch my self saying "where did I go wrong". I pray everyday that will be the day we get the call. I had really hoped it was this month and maybe this month was good luck for us since it was my birthday and then our 5 year anniversary on the 28th. I am still not giving up hope just wishing my life would have unfolded differently. My life just is not complete with out children. I even told Tim last night I don't know if I can handle another Christmas with out children. We have no children in the family and although I love Tim's family (who we spend Christmas with) it is kind of boring. I want to wake up Christmas morning and have Christmas music playing and the kids be excited about Santa and read the night before Christmas to then on Christmas eve as my dad did for my brother and I. These are all things I look forward to and at Christmas I tend to get more depressed that we don't have children and I guess it is a combination and my dad. Tim said , now I don't know if he said it out of anger of not having a child after all these years but that if we didn't have a child by Christmas that we are not decorating our house and his mom decorates and that we go over there anyway since we don't have children. So I can see his frustration. I know some of you are like what is she talking about Christmas for, but it is only 4 months away which I think is coming quick. Sorry but this week just was not working for me. As much as I tried to stay positive I found my self still sad. I will get better my birthday is coming and my anniversary and I know Tim will make me smile. Thanks for listening. :)


  1. Oh, hang in there! I know exactly how you feel, and Christmas and other holidays are terrible sometimes for those waiting to have children. Mothers day was pure misery for me before we got the kids. Just try and keep your chin up, easier said than done, I know.

    Your husband may be feeling the same way...and may be sad too about not having kids yet. That may just be his way of showing it. Also, it may be hard on him knowing that Christmas is especially hard on you and he may want to avoid all the reminders around your house, to spare your feelings.

    Adoption could be a long process, but one that is worth it in the long run. Hang in there!

  2. I'm feeling the Holidays coming soon too. Every year I say that this is our year. This year we will be parents by Christmas time. It hasn't worked yet. I hate infertility for doing this to us. Please know that we all are hoping and praying for you. This journey is worth it.