Yesturday as one of the top 10 bet days

I had taken my test for my certification through the AAPC for my CPC certification. That is for billing and can make my family money if I can find a job which there are some. I had a class in October that gave me an oversight of the test but nothing like the 5 and 1/2 hour exam. I stated t he class in October and after my first class when I figured I waited a long time to have a child and who know how much longer I mine as well do this like I have wanted to before a child comes again. After the first class 2 days later I got the call on Justin. That made it hard to study, work full time and have him. Just having him our whole lives changed, let alone a full time job and school.

I took the test in December and failed by one question. Then I took the test again in March and same thing failed by one question. I was so mad and depressed with myself. I knew I could do better but it was timed and I am not the fastest reader. I wish my mom pushed reading like I do with Justin and I would be a better reader today. I try to read but I don't read half as quick as my other friends. My family (mom, dad and brother) were never readers so I never knew how important it was till now. Not that I can't read or understand it is just I can't read fast and a lot of the time I lip read so taking this test was a challenge. Even though I knew the material I couldn't read fast enough to complete it. The last two times I took the test, one time I had 13 that I didn't get to so I just put in anything and the next time I had 18.

Well yesterday I haven't study much for it because I have been busy and I think I was sick of getting my self all worked up over the test only for disappointment.

Well yesterday was everything I could have wished for. I prayed to my dad to be by my side yesterday and the morning didn't starts good. I forgot one of my billing books from work I had to stop there and pick it up early in the morning , then I got to the exam and when I sat down I realized I had papers I wasn't suppose to in my book so I had to go out to my car and drop it off then I came back up and I noticed everyone had there license and I left mine in the care so I had to go back to my car and get it because you need it for them to verify for sign in for the test. I was starting to get flustered a bit but then on my last trip to my car I grabbed my rosary beads from my car that I hand in my car to keep me safe and I put it in my pocket and I don't know why but constantly thinking of my dad.

I started the exam and I was just moving. It was awesome. I can't explain it but there was an open seat besides me during the test and I swear my dad was sitting next to me at the test helping move. Not that he would know the material but just helping me know it and feel confident. I finished the test completely no questions open with 2 minutes to spare. I handed in my test and as I was walking to get out of the building I just felt my dad walking besides and and I told him thank you. I started getting choked up on the way to my car. Tears just streamed down my face and my fist was held tight in an confident feeling of yes I did it and I knew I could. I checked my phone and saw there was one e-mail from some spam I don't remember who but in the subject if read for the dad who was by your side. I called my husband first and when he heard my tearful voice he thought the worst as before but when I tried to explain the feeling of joy and happiness and that I passed he started to get chocked up. I explained to him the e-mail on my phone. I know some of you think of what a coincidence but what are the chances and that it would say that. I had goose bumps. They always say loved ones send messages some ways and I feel like that was his way.

There are people who tell me Justin looks like my dad and I see it sometimes it is weird. But Tim told me that when Justin was in the car before I started my exam Justin did this smirky grin my dad would do and Tim swears he saw my dad so when I told him what I went through he said he wasn't going to tell as to not upset me but he also believes my dad was with me.

Another weird sign was this morning my husband said congratulation you passed and I said I couldn't have done it without my dad as I was turning on the TV, the three studges were on. My dad loved the three studges . It is not like that is on very often and I don't recall ever seeing it on TV. When my dad was sick at my house we bought him this season of dvd of three studges to brighten his spirits and it was on my TV. I find that just crazy. It was my dad. I am sorry I don't usually like to preach on my blog as to not offend anyone beliefs or push my beliefs on anyone but this is hard to tell without explaining. I just know my dad was with me and was sending me cues that he was. Last night I just got a little upset telling Tim I wish I could just hug him one last time. Also his 3 years since he has passed is coming in a week and a half and I was a bit emotional.

Yesterday I have never felt that way before. I just felt so happy and so great and not like I have ever felt before. No I don't know what my score is. It goes through Lansing and I have to wait to get it back but I should know online by the end of this week. I just know I passed though. One of my top 10 best days. I have never felt like that. Amazing.

Kindergarten orientation meltdown

So we went to kindergarten orientation this past Thursday and the first thing they asked the kids to do was find there name tags. Well at the other school he was going to I was paying for it and DHS told me he would be adopted before kindergarten so I told the school to have him practice writing our last name not his old last name as to not upset him. Well since kindergarten is at a public school they have to as they told me play by the rules and if that is his legal name they have to use it. I tried explaining the situation but you know how that goes they were only half listening.

So Justin goes to find his name and he told me he couldn't find it well as soon as I went up there I realized he didn't know because his old last name is on there. I grabbed it really quick and slapped the sticker of his name high on his chest but he is very aware of his surroundings so of course he grabbed his shirt and said " mom this isn't my last name" and was pulling off the sticker.

I thought quickly and went into my purse for a marker and scribbled out the last name and told him he has to wear it and I took the last name off. He had a meltdown. Arms crossed, didn't want to answer to talk to the teacher or the principal there. I tried explaining by like I said above they must not understand foster situations because they weren't giving. I pulled Justin aside out in the hall away from everyone and explained that I am going to do everything in my power to make this better and get this fixed before kindergarten starts.

Sorry I forgot to describe the melt down part but lets just say not pretty and many people starring. Well my husband told me I should have never promised him that I would fix by September but I wanted him not to hurt or feel that pain that I can see he was feeling and was feeling really hard when he saw that last name.

I am now trying to follow through. I talked to my sister in law yesterday who is a lawyer. I asked her if I should write a letter explaining to the judge or am I going to get on his bad side. She said I should find out who the judges clerk is, and be really nice to her and ask her about the process because she says a lot of the time you can persuade the clerk and she handles the judges stuff to get things done. It is nice to have a lawyer in the family. So we will see what happens. I feel kind of bad doing that but like I said I promised him and I am following through and doing what ever I can possible for him. Cross your fingers hope this works.

I told all of you about in my last blog these cute kids I would love to adopt but there were four and if anyone knew of anyone who would adopt 4 to let them know. I am sorry to this person, but I got an e-mail asking me for the website because they couldn't find the children and by accident I deleted your e-mail and can't find it in my deleted. So I am writing it on my blog so hopefully it gets to you. I don't think I can post there picture from the website but I will post the website and you can see there picture on it. They are adorable 2 boys, 2 girl, ages 2-6. Adorable. Like I said if I knew someone in Michigan that wanted to adopt 2 I would adopt the other two and let the kids see each other all the time but unfortunately I don't. But I am truly sorry for deleting your e-mail. Here is the website http://www.nwae.org/Profile-ID.php?case=c7795-98

Hope that helps, if not e-mail me again and I promise that won't happen.

I haven't posted pictures in a while so to catch you all up on what has been going on.

Tim's Birthday

Justin's Tiger Game with Dad
Tim Caught a ball on TV and gave to Justin and they were both on TV it was cool and here is the call to prove it. They were even on the sports highlights
Justin's Graduation Day
Memorial Day weekend his first time in a sand box, his first time miniature golfing, first time tubing and did it with mom, first fish caught and fishing time with dad
Another baseball game but this was the one that is historic almost perfect game and was robbed I have a picture of the ref when he called safe when they were out that changed the game

Good weekend

We had a great weekend I will try to post pics later this week but Justin had a ball up north and his graduation from small 5's on Thursday was excellent. I am going to miss that teacher they had the most memorable graduation and so cute. I kept calling him my little grad. I was so proud of him. He had to much fun up north fishing with dad and playing on swings, baseball and basketball and swimming. He didn't want to leave. It was nice because it gave me time to actually stand back and reflect on everything. I usually dwell on stuff but I was actually reflecting. Like looking in the back of the truck on the way up north saying this time last year I was saying I can't wait till I can look back there and see a little one back there and he was there and it felt great. Lots of our family and friends went up and they were playing with Justin and I just sat back and watched and enjoyed his joy he was having and he contagious laugh kills me. I couldn't stop smiling listening to that laugh he has. I was sitting there saying I love this and this is what I have been waiting for. It was nice to finally step back and get to enjoy everything rather then have stress and go go go. Justin did all weekend though beg for a brother or sister. He was the only child up north with like 20 adults. He was playing with adults but they don't play the same way with him as another child does. My mother in law was saying don't you wish you could rent a child for the weekend I just had to laugh.
By the way I saw the cutes kids ever and wish I knew someone that lived by me that was interested in adopting. I saw these cute kids on northwest adoption exchange under Idaho and there are 4 kids ranged from 2-6. I would have taken two of them in a heart beat and I would have hoped to have found someone who wanted to adopt 2 as well so that the kids could visit each other frequently. I know I defiantly love keeping kids together and I love kids but my husband would never go for 4 kids on top of having Justin he would tell me I am insane. Our life style is go go go. In the summer we go up north every weekend to clean cottages and then sports with Justin but even if I adopted the 2 older girls and someone I knew adopted the 2 younger. I know it was a thought that I shared that crossed my mind but I don't really know anyone and I wish I did. I thought that was a great idea but again it was just a thought but if you do know anyone that would be willing to adopt 4 kids together they are cute as can be .

sorry it's been so long had to get my head on straight

Well I never told you about mother's day because I had nothing good to tell. I am not upset or mad about it of course I wish it was better I guess I shouldn't have these high expectations but Justin had a ruff time even after the X he did in my carpet with the marker one day and then the colored pencils again the next day. I am pretty sure I told you in the last blog I wanted to pull my hair out but I tried not to express that to much for him because mothers day was hard for him so he was acting out. He is starting to continue to act out because he is starting to forget things about his old parents and that makes him mad. He can't remember them as vividly as he wants to anymore. It will be 8 months since he first came to join our family so I think he has grown accustomed to our ways that it makes it hard to remember day to day events with them and that is hard on him. I feel bad and wish I can take that away. No 5 year old should have to feel the loss there parents. I mean they are alive and well but to him it is like they are gone because he knows he can't see them and time is passing longer and longer. Oh and for the old fathers attempt to get Justin back the social worker said that the judge looked over the documents and has found no mistakes but didn't sign off on it and the old fathers lawyer put in for an extension but they put it in later then the date they had to have it in by so she told me now it is up to the judge to decide whether he will take the extension being it came in late to look into it. I ask how long but she said 4-6 months and I asked from now and she said when the first one came in January. I asked if this would be completed before school in September and she seemed almost positive it would. I explained he doesn't like to be called by his other name he likes to be called by our name and when he just went to the dentist he even made her change his name and she said he spelt it for her and every thing. I know I thought that was sweet. So it does effect him and bother him and I just didn't want him to go through explaining the change of names at school or anything I wanted him to have a fresh new start to the school year. He is already mourning losing his friends at school. He keeps telling me he won't remember them and he won't see them again and that would be another loss for him. I told him we have there phone numbers and we can see them in the summer plus I enrolled him in there bible week classes. They have class for a week in July and the teacher says most of the class he is with will be there so I am trying to ease that. Plus he is constantly telling me he wants a big brother. Not a small sibling or boy or girl a big brother. I talked to Tim and I don't know if we could take much older then 6 maybe 7. Justin already has this many issues and he came to us at 4 going on 5 and a child in the system for a long time comes with a lot more issues plus every time you see a child that is older it always says has to be the only child or the youngest and well that isn't happening since Justin is only 5. He is really admit though and I feel bad. He keeps asking when are they going to call us. He wants someone to play with the whole summer. He is around a lot of adults so I think he wants to play with kids. School and day care he does and he will be going to day care 1 time a week for like 4 hours. We can set up play dates and stuff but I think he wants someone in the room next to him. I feel bad I can't give him that.So finally Saturday I broke down. I had to go to my sister in laws on Saturday she is getting married in September and all the ladies standing up had to go to help with invites and shower stuff and my girlfriend if you remember from last years blog that said she is like me and she will never be pregnant and was crying on my shoulder all the time and then got pregnant with in 9 months was there and she is due in 3 weeks then there is another girl that is pregnant standing up that is 4 months along and all I had to hear is about there baby stuff all day long. Both of them going back and forth. I can handle it but for only so long until I start getting upset and thinking of myself. To give you an idea we all had to be there at 12 and we stayed till 9 at night so I mean all day and I had no one to lean on and I remember when she couldn't get pregnant she always use to say how our other girlfriend that is pregnant always felt like she was throwing it in her face and felt like that is all she talked about and she was mad about it and told me she would never do that. Well guess the tide has turned. I had to hear ohh everyone feel the baby. Oh baby is hungry and wants to eat. I had to hear how cute they looked pregnant and how cute and small there babies are going to be. On top of all that my mom was getting married the same day and all I could think about was my dad. I am mad at myself now for doing it but I started drinking. I know that is not the worst thing in the world but I feel like it is when you are using it to help you not feel anything. When Tim came later because the guys came for dinner at 7 with the girls and went outside and called his mom crying and said how I didn't know how much more I can handle. I told her I missed my dad and I am constantly reminded that I can't get pregnant and I told her I felt horrible and I like to feel in control of myself and I couldn't get control of my emotions. She was so good to me. She even brought me flowers the next day and had a tear in her eye. My mother in law is awesome and I am lucky to have both her and Tim in my life. Tim was trying to find me because it was time to eat and he found me outside crying to his mom and I just couldn't help it. He kept telling em we have the best family in the world and Justin is just so perfect in our lives and he doesn't understand why Justin isn't enough for me and he just wants me to be happy. I tried explaining that Justin make me very happy and it is not that it just was a bad day. Between my mom getting married and listening to all this baby talk all day long it just was killing me that was 2 major losses in my life and I know I have never got through and I just try to deal with it and on a usual day I can I am not talking about those two things all day but when it is all day I couldn't help it. I just wanted to go home and couldn't. Of course I came in and everyone thought I was upset because I missed Justin because he was at my in laws house and yeah I missed him but not enough to cry over it was only a few hours but I let them believe that. So I swore to Tim I will not drink again just to not feel emotions. I was mad at myself and didn't want Justin to see me weak. He needs to see my strong. I wasn't drunk but I was tipsy. I know when to stop because like I said before I like to be in control of myself and I don't like to make a fool of myself but I just wanted the edge off. Sorry it has been so long since my last post but I didn't have that much nice things to say and I didn't want to be a Debbie downer. We are going up north this week to have fun and it should be a great time. Also no distractions. No pregnant ladies I won't think of my dad. Just good fun with my family and family friends. Talk to you all soon thanks for listening. :)

Happy Early Birthday DAD we all miss you!

Dad we miss you so much. I know your birthday is tomorrow but as you know we are leaving for Chicago tomorrow so we celebrated it last night and you know we will be thinking of you on Friday. I miss you so much and wish you were here to see my little guy. You would love him. He loves cars just like you. He wants a red fast car when he gets older and I showed him your picture of your red lambo and he was amazed and asked if he could have it and I explained we don't have it anymore and he said he would really have liked to have meet you. When we brought home the cake to sing happy birthday Justin said why don't we go up top heaven and bring it and I thought that was the cutest thing in the world. Every night since Monday when I told him your birthday is coming he has been saying this birthday prayer in the prayer book I got him every night and saying he says it for you and he says the I miss you prayer too. It is so sweet and so cute and thoughtful and we think about you always as you know. I wish you can be here I can really use your strength right now. You know mom and how she is and she is just so mean and Justin over heard me when I was talking int he laundry room talking my my Ricky (my brother) about how mean mom is and how she always takes every one's side but mine here own family. She is giving me the silent treatment again and I don't know how much more I can take from her dad. I try to be nice because she is my mom and because you would want me to have some sort of family even though I consider Tim's family my family as you did. She does this to me all the time. She is never there for us doesn't care about anyone but her self and doesn't care who she is hurting dad and she is really putting me in a bad place where I start to get angry. Tim was telling me yesterday how I should be able to realty to Justin more then anyone because I didn't have the best family growing up. I had you but that was all I had. You know Ricky is about money and mom is too and you know that is why she is marrying this poor man. I don't think he knows what he is getting himself into but I feel once he marry's her she is no longer my responsibility. I know I told you I would always take care of mom and Rick but now that she is getting married and Rick is being taken care of by him I don't feel like I have to be part of all that. She is being really childish over foolish stuff and she is being really hurtful and telling me I am always there for Tim's family and not for ours. But I am the one who comes out there every year if it wasn't for me going I would have never seen her again. She makes no attempts to come out here and see us. She has a grandson now for God sakes. It hurt me that she didn't go to his birthday party we threw him but I got over it and figured she would try to at least come down and see this little guy who is now a part of this family and she could care less. It is all about her and her boyfriend she doesn't act like a mom as you know she acts like a 16 year old girl. I have tried dad. I swear I didn't do anything wrong. I told her I wasn't going to Christina's wedding in NY in January dead of winter. Told mom that if it was in the summer or spring or something we would make a vacation out of it but to pay for 3 airplane tickets because Justin gets car sick and pay $110 a person for a gift for here because mom says that is how much the plates are and a hotel room for 2 nights and food and everything else I am spending a fortune on a family that can give a crap about me. Mom was more made that I wasn't going to that wedding then her own. She is having it in the backyard and I think the guy is nice but he will never be my dad nor would I consider or call him a step dad. All I can think of is you and it is too weird to be standing at your own mom's wedding to another guy I just don't feel comfortable. Not only that but she has never been here once she left after you passed. She didn't even send Justin something for Easter. I mean he is a kid grandma's are suppose to want to do that stuff for there grandsons. I don't care if she doesn't want to be a mother to be and treat me like a door mat fine but not to my little boy. Be a grandma let him know you cared. Justin asked if she sent anything for Easter because Tim's mom spoiled him death so I gave him one of the presents from us and said it came from her. That is sad and makes me more mad with her. Dad I also have to let you know I sent mom flower and a card for mothers day already I know she got them on Monday because Rick told me when I called to wish him a happy birthday and she couldn't even call and say thanks. I even sent a card to her boyfriend for his upcoming birthday. No thanks or anything. I get treated like I am a nobody and if she can't call me back or call to say thanks for what I sent not even a e-mail then I am done dad. I am sorry and I am sure you understand because you know how she is but I am done. She can't keep bringing me down and I am not going to let it effect Justin that is my son and she is not going to do that to him like she has done to me all these years. If she doesn't want to be part of our lives fine but I don't want her calling me for nothing because you know how she loves to call when she needs something. I just she could just be a grown up and just call me back I have called her three times for her to call and nothing. I mean this is childish. We haven't talked in almost a month now and Rick agrees she is being unreasonable but he says he can't say anything because she pays his bills and school and everything else so you know how that goes. I also have been thinking about what to give her for her wedding. This is awkward how much do you spend, what would she like she is having it in the backyard of her boyfriends house. I sent cookies that are designed for a wedding since she will only have a few people there they can snack on and I don't know what else if something engraved or what. I wish you could be here so I would have someone from my past that at least cares and can share in this exciting time of having Justin with me besides Tim's family. You know how Tim is very similar to you and he doesn't like fights or arguments and always wants everyone to get along but he is even saying dad that I should just be done with her because she is just bringing me down making Justin ask questions about her and she just puts a negative spin and stress to my life and he said we don't need that and if she can't join in our happiness because I think he is mad for how much we have done for her since you passed and how she is never there for us when we would like and it effects Justin. He asks why she doesn't visit or call. I don't think that is far and I don't want to lie to him and says she is busy I just tell him she is mad at mommy. It is hard. He has been through enough I don't want him to be drug into her drama she like to create. Thanks dad for listening. I have had so much to tell you. I feel funny sometimes talking by myself in some room what if someone walked in and thought I was talking to myself. I know you are around me I can sometimes feel it or you play with the music dials int he car and it makes me smile and sad because I miss you and can really use you in my life right now. Tomorrow you would have been 51 years old. I miss you more then you can imagine and I know you see Justin but I wish he could have met you. You two would have loved one another he would have been your little buddy. I show him pic's of you all the time and he calls you grandpa I have a pic of him next to your cake below. Love you and miss you so much. xxxoooo

Ruff Patch

Boy have we had a ruff patch. Poor Justin with this eye patch it is a struggle to make him wear it and he fights me and is nasty every time we put it on. He finally told me he is thinking about his mom a lot and every time he thinks of her he is bad he says. Well he must be thinking about her a bunch because today he was on 2 separate occasions in time out for 30 minutes. It starts out as 5 minutes then if he continues to talk back or be mean or physical or any of the unnecessary behavior he gets an added 5 minutes then stars also get taken away. We have a star policy that if he does good things like cleans his room, or brings his laundry down for mom or uses the swifter to vacuum the tile or shares or shows nice behaviors to show he is trying to be a good person he gets a start and for so many stars he gets stuff that we bought on top of the fridge that he can see so he wants it and if he is bad and they are taken away things can be taken away. Well that was working for a while but now it is getting difficult. He is like a different kid something just snaps in his brain. We have had the talk that it is okay to miss your mom but we can't have that kind of behavior. He has been laughing even at our punishments. It had been ruff. I don't know what else to take away but tv and his 1/2 hour of play station he gets but he is being stubborn then anything I have ever seen before. AHHHH. I am ready to pull my hair out. I just want to have those fun days. I guess I thought we got through the hurdles that were tuff for the first 4to 5 months but we are back and maybe a little worse then that. We had such a good bonding family fun time for last while here and these last few weeks I don't know like 3 to 4 weeks have been ruff. Since probably sometime after Easter he started to change. I am trying my hardest to keep my cool in front of him and try to sit down and talk it out but you can't at his age. He continues to be more definite until I walk away and tell him you are in time out I will not talk to you until the time out is over and you have time to think and of course he says I don't need to think and I am not going to think and I tell him that is fine then just sit there if you choose to then the remark is I don't choose to sit here at all and I wont then that starts and I just walk away and remind him that if he gets up he will get more time. So you can imagine in 60 minutes total for the day of time out how many times he continue to test to no end. The time kept increasing and the stars kept coming down and then stuff kept being taken away until finly he tells me he will listen to later he does it all over again. Ahhh I am some what new to the whole parenting thing and he is driving me crazy. I want my sweet little boy back I miss him. I tell him that when he is in a better mood and he hugs me (awww) I know but then he can start up in a second. I am only human and I sometimes think I am a horrible parents or something when I see everyone Else's kids listening and even the child that also came out of foster care and was recently adopted comes out of the class and asks his mom if she is happy with him today as I listen to the teacher today say "Justin you need to listen stop what you are doing and look at me and she had to get up and get eye to eye with him because he continued to act up. I swear this is not like him and I am not just saying it because I am his mom but I truly can tell you he hasn't done this and it is driving me crazy and walk out of the school with my head down praying people aren't judging me as a parent for the way he is. The teacher had to pull me aside and everything with him. He hasn't gotten in trouble in school yet but she told me today for the first time he has been acting up a lot lately not listening and wanted to know if anything has changed in the home which it didn't and I just explained to her he says he has been thinking about his mom a lot lately and that is causing him to do this and I am not sure what to do. She said she will continue to work with him. I feel helpless. how do I get him to listen to the teacher at school he know he losses stars if he is bad at school. Well I am trying my best and I guess that is all I can do.

Thank you!

Thank you everyone for your comments and help. They were all very helpful. Just to answer some questions that were asked and that I can tell you with out giving his personal life away is he is very attached to us. His counselor is not an attachment counselor but she says in his play she tells me we are doing a great job and in the short time we have had him she is amazed with how comfortable and affectionate he is to us. So I don't know necessarily if it is an issue with attachment but maybe in some way. He doesn't know about the appeal his dad made that we are waiting for the judge to still finalize so he thinks we are just waiting for the worker to get the paper work through but the adoption worker is finished that quick because she said since we where with catholic social services to adopt a baby we had all adoption and foster info already worked out so she just had to do an addendum to the previous report that was already done. So once the judge gives up the go ahead we will be able to get court scheduled right away since it is already done with paper work. He doesn't know that because we don't need another thing hanging over his head. He is already practicing in school are last name because it is a catholic pre school and we pay out of our pocket for it the teacher is very personable and told us she will have him practice our last name even though it is not official yet. But I would like it to be official before he starts Kindergarten in public school because then his last name will be the old one and he doesn't like when I make doctor appointments with his old name he says I am not that I am your last name. So he seems to feel secure. He gets a lot of love. Not only are we always showing him lots of love but grandma and grandpa can't get enough of him. After his eye appointment today my mother in law was so nice she kept offering to take Justin for a little while till the ball game tonight and I kept telling her no but she insisted I had a little me time because she said she can tell that I need a little break to refuel. So I made an appointment to get my hair cut in a little bit and to get some stuff done around the house and I am bringing in my car for oil change and stuff like that. I needed this just to refuel so he doesn't feel my aggravation. I try not to show it but my mother in law sees it which means he has to see it so I thought her taking him for a little was best. I was a little stressed this morning because he failed his eye exam at school in one eye and I was praying that we would have best case scenario and he would just need some glasses but no unfortunately it had to be worst case scenario. He has a cataract in his right eye so he needs surgery which we scheduled for after vacation and the soonest was August 2 which I am of course nervous as can be for him because he was scared just going to the eye doctor to look in his eye my mother in law went with me for support and boy was I happy she did because as I was scheduling for surgery she took him into the waiting room and then I started to cry. I couldn't help it. It just bothered me. I think it was just everything. He has to wear a patch for 3-4 hours a day to build strength in the eye with the cataract because it is becoming lazy which is going to be a challenge a big challenge for us and him and going into surgery you never want to see your baby scared and hurting and having to go through surgery I even am scared and fearful of surgery for me so I can only imagine what his little brain was thinking. He was so scared when the drops were in his eyes to help dilate them he kept saying he couldn't see his hand and he wants to be better I hope he is better before the game tonight. Grandma is also taking him to get his haircut which I really so have the best in laws ever that is why I call them mums and papa. They are like my parents even though I don't have really a mom at least I have them. They help tremendously and relieve the pressure. This is the first time I have had me time in I don't know how long. I am usually dropping him off at school coming back home working from home picking him up to come home and work some more from home or I go to work and go pick him up. This is so different to me not having by me or in this quiet house. hahah. I am really trying but I just want to be a better mother and that is why I asked for your help. I just needed to know what you would do if in this situation. We give him everything toys, his own room and a toy room. love experiences, fun, family. We try our best and sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. I love him to death, Tim does grandma and grandpa, 2 aunts and 3 uncles all love him more than anything and he knows it and is so spoiled by all even our friends. He seems to really fit in and to be really happy but it just seems even my mother in law said after talking about it today that he snaps. He almost has bipolar. You can never see when the out burst is going to happen then he acts like what happened I didn't do it but then later can tell you why or what happened. It is really weird and I have told the counselor but she said he is to young to be checked for any bipolar but to keep an eye on it and that it just my be his experience or we don't know what he was exposed to at birth that can set off his mind to be like a different person. I mean when he got made an lunged at me and pulled my hair and tried to punch me I was so shocked that I think that is why I screamed at him so loud almost like I was a little scared of him but needed him to wake up and be his normal self. I can't explain it but that action is not like him. I do really appreciate the help and this will be an upward battle for a while and I understand but it scares me when he acts like that or when I feel like I am losing control of him and losing control of my actions is why he stayed up in his room for the rest of the night. I didn't know what else to do or who to ask and Tim wasn't home my in laws were up north and I needed help and appreciate you all so much. I don't care if you are a mom to some kids or a dog, or a bird it doesn't matter to me if you never parented a child I just needed any ones ideas or input to help me figure out what to do because you have to remember this is my first time being a parent too. I didn't get him from birth and can feel him out and adjust to knowing his past or what he is accustomed so I am new at this too getting a 5 year old and not knowing what is normal for a boy that age and what is not but I know the carpet is just a thing and that didn't bother me as much as him telling me he just felt like it and giggling at me as he is telling me and then attacks me by pulling my hair and trying to kick and punch me. So I do appreciate every one's in put and help. Thank you all so much for being there for me in the time of weakness. Even though I have never met you in person I do feel you are all my friends because you did more for me then any of my friends I see all the time have done for me so thanks so much from the bottom of my heart. :)

Need Help!!!!!

So I wanted to strangle Justin today. I don't mean it literally but he was just pushing me over the edge and I feel bad saying that because I have waited all this time but I need to ask for some help or what you think. So Yesterday I picked Justin up from school he was in a great mood and all was good. I just finished kidding around and dancing to the theme music fro one of his shows on Nick and he was laughing and loves to dance and play funny when that music comes on and after it was over he was watching it and coloring with his crayons. I told him I would be right back I just had to do a little work since I worked from home yesterday to be with him more he came running in like 5 maybe 10 minutes later all happy and jumping around and jumping on my lap and that is when I noticed the marker all over his hands. I mean all over his hand. I said Justin where did you get marker from because you know you are not allowed to play with marker in this house especially on our carpet. I told him there better not be any marker on the carpet. He went running then I knew something was wrong. I went in and he was sitting on it and acted like he didn't know what happened then gave me 50 million ways of how it could have happened but all by mistake and none matched up with what he was saying. So after he was in time out for and hour because he after I told him I was throwing away the markers because he is not to play with them in the house and I told him no TV for the rest of the day he refused to get on the couch for a time out so the time keep increasing even though it started at 5 minutes. After his hour time out I made him dinner and told him to eat and spend the rest of the night up in his room. He had that tacked on to no PlayStation and now his punishment was not TV yesterday and today and no PlayStation for the same days and he had to play in his room for the rest of last night. He said he was sorry last night then he told my husband he did it because he was thinking of his old parents and what they did (can't get into specifics of what he said) because that made him be taken from them and he didn't want to be taken. I asked him if her was unhappy here and he said no but he missed his old mom and dad. Now we have an open door policy that he can ask us or talk to us about anything and we are very open with him we also have a counselor to help to ease these issues without the big blow ups we use to have for the first 3 months but those blow ups are now starting to come back. So he did tell us sorry and that he should be without all those things for a week and I told him 2 days is good. So I was being nice I read him a story still before he went to bed and said our prayers and today I picked him up from school bought him McD's like he likes, I let him have a piece of one of the Easter candy things he likes,and I watched a program that is for me but he likes it too and is fine for his age even thought he is not to watch TV I said he just can't watch what I am watching. I was on the phone with work since it is end of the month and they had questions and I get off the phone come in the room and he took a colored pencil and colored on my carpet in the same spot. I was so mad. I asked him calmly why he did it. The first thing he said was that he was not mad at anyone. I asked why did he do it. I made up some story again. So tomorrow he is suppose to go with Tim and I to a Tigers game his first baseball game he is really excited about and I told Justin to tell me the truth or he doesn't go he just keeps going around it so I took away the rest of his candy and he lunged at me really aggressively and was trying to fight me to get the candy and he looked really mean. I told him that is not going to happen I ripped it out of his hand picked him up and carried him up the stairs and as we were going he was kicking and kicked a spindle but I didn't baby him I just kept on going and put him in his room now he is in there for the rest of the night again. I don't know what is wrong with him all of a sudden. He told me just now after an hour in his room I asked him why he did it because at the time it happened I can't tell you how my heart was pounding out of my chest and heat in my head after he tried hurting me and called me dumb which he has never ever did. I know he could have learned that from his old family but he never has ever said that he he has been really mad and blown up before and I have never heard him say that. But he told me he colored on the carpet just because he wanted to. I felt like taking one of his toys and breaking it and saying how does it feel to have something of your ruined but I didn't want to sick to a child's level. But this is the first time he is ruining our stuff. He usually always ruins his own stuff and we tell him we won't buy him anything anymore is he is not going to care about what we get him. I am so mad at him he lost TV and PlayStation again for tomorrow maybe longer depending on what Tim says because he is going to hit the roof once he finds out. My husband was questioning me last night if I think it is all the immunizations we had to give him. I know that is controversial but he had none given and now that rights are termed even though we are still waiting on birth dad's appeal and they say it should be a done deal they told me to catch him up on the the immunization he should have had so since February he has had a lot and a lot of them mixed and usually kids don't get that much at one time they get it through out life it is also a concern because of the Mercury in them and he would have had a much higher level then other kids since he has had so much in the past 3 month he has had at least 11 immunization in that time. It is questionable. I just don't know. I asked if it had anything to do with his old parents he said not this time and I asked again then why he said he just felt like it and kind of giggled. I don't know what else to do. I know we look like a little perfect family but I don't want to talk about all the bad and negative when I have been waiting for this all this time and I finally get it when other friends in the blog world are still waiting for there chance to have a family. I know when I was waiting I used to say I wished people would appreciate what they have rather then not and I felt how fair is that they get to have a baby when they complain and I am over here waiting and so it makes me feel bad to say all this but truly I love and appreciate him but I need some help or input or something. Guidance even. He is driving me crazy and I don't know how to stop this behavior that is just springing back into action. I haven't seen him like this since maybe January and now he is back to this and it is bad. It is so bad that screamed at him when I was putting him in his room because he grabbed on to my hair and pulled that my throat hurts and I feel bad for that but he was just a monster and I don't understand it. When a kid ruins your stuff has nothing to say for it but they feel like it and giggle when they can tell your mad, and they lunge at you and call you dumb and pull your hair I just felt like I was going to loose it. I need some input to help me figure this out or to be a better mom. I don't know and now I am asking for help. HELP!!!!

What if you got pregnant as planned

I was thinking about this yesterday when I was trying to figure out why the infertility bothered me so much. I decided to dig deep and figure out my true feelings. Well I thought if everything went as planned and I got pregnant would I have 2 kids or 3. Tim always wanted 2 and I always wanted 3. I wondered how big or small our babies would be, what my stomach would look like pregnant? Would my children have been healthy? Who would they look like Tim or me? Would they be a girl and a boy or 2 boys or 2 girls? Would the girl or girls be daddy's little girl like I was would the boys be mommas boys? What would they look like? What would there personality be like? I know this kind of sounds silly to think about someone or something that never happened but it is a fantasy. It is something you think about before you decided to try to get pregnant out of curiosity and now that you learn you won't be pregnant those thoughts start to become real since it hits you that won't happen that fantasy you had. That is very real. I know you shouldn't dwell on the past but I figured if it bothered me this much I needed to figure out why and to understand my feelings about it because just like when my dad past and the infertility happened both were a big loss for me and I just closed up my feelings and said you have to just learn to deal with it. Then I think I am okay just like at the shower and all of a sudden those emotions came out of know where. I didn't think I would be effected like that. This happened to me the other day. I was in the store getting Birthday cards and mothers day card. May is a very busy month as mother's day card for both my mom and Tim's and my brother's birthday, Tim's birthday, my dad's was in May and my mom's boyfriend or soon to be husband is also in May and as I was being nice looking for a card for his birthday I couldn't help getting teared up in the store looking for his birthday card because all I can think is I am looking for a card for my mom's soon to be husband when I should be looking for a card for my dad even though he is not here any more it still sparked at me all of a sudden in the store and that lingered with me all day. That is when I decide to look deeper and figure out why I get that way and why I can't just express my emotions normally without feeling I am wrong in some way. I am not one to go to a psychiatrist. Not that I don't believe in them as I know a bunch of people who get help but I would rather vent and talk about it with friends and family that knew what I went through rather then tell someone who I know is going to tell me what I already know as I am not dealing with the issue which I am trying to do now. Thanks for letting me express and get this out so I can leave this here and not let it tag along with me all day in my mind. These are just some of my thoughts I was thinking about yesterday and it followed me to today and I figured when I type it out I get it out and feel better for the rest of the day. Thanks :)

infertility doesn't get any easier

I really thought that once Justin came I wouldn't have that feeling because I got what I always wanted which is family. I have a family now and it makes me so happy and blessed that I have it but pieces of me keep surprising me when I get emotional thinking about my infertility. So last year if you were reading my blog I told you about my girlfriend who latched on to me because she couldn't get pregnant but of course she thought it would happen first try so she tried for 8 months and couldn't get pregnant. Now for all of us we say 8 months is nothing she didn't even have to go to a specialist or any fertility treatment what so even not even clomid. But she would cry on MY SHOULDER someone who has been trying for in May 5 years now compared to here 8 month. She would cry and cry and criticize our other friend who was pregnant because she would say she couldn't even look at her because it would get her upset and she couldn't even go to a baby shower all this drama and only tried 8 months. She hated when our friend would rub her belly all the time she thought it was throwing it in our faces now I didn't say much in front of her because I was actually being smart and thinking what if she gets pregnant. Well guess what she did in her 9 months try. After she knew and didn't tell us for three months, when she found out she was pregnant was the day after I got Justin. I didn't see her for the whole 3 months not even to see Justin. So once she announced it she tried coming around all the time. Well anyway I am rambling I will get to it she had her baby shower yesterday. I honestly didn't have a bother in the world that I was going I just felt I have done this so many times I am fine and not feeling sad or emotional at all just saying in my head ok how long is this going to be because as you know like hers was like 4 hours and you get bored after a while or after watching gift after gift for over and hour. You get a little bit tired and like come on already I don't like going to these as it is that is why my bridal shower was in my mother in laws backyard and anyone and everyone could go and it was like a picnic style thing with volleyball, horse shoes, and a bunch of other things to do so people could get up and be casual and not feel contained to a room full of women for 4 hours. Sorry rambling again I have to get that under control. Any way her baby shower was yesterday and I was fine she was doing all the things of course that she hated when my friend was doing when she was pregnant that made me chuckle. Then before she opened her gifts she made a little speech just saying how she used to be jealous of pregnant women and now she is one and how Happy she is and now she finally feels like she fits in and all is right in her life and I don't remember what she said after because the first two sentences was all I can handle but now I fit in in and she gave our girlfriend who had the baby a little gift bag for the baby and all when before she would never even hold the baby because that would be helping our friend out and she didn't think she deserved help. I think that is just ridiculous and now she holds this little baby at the shower and gives her gifts and all and oh she did mention how her our our girlfriend are now going to be closer and bonded now that there babies can play. It started to hit me after as I started gazing and wondering off in my head as she was opening the presents. It was like my husband had a six sense. My phone vibrated and he was texting me at the shower and this is word for word our text to each other Tim: "how long until you will be home we miss you" Mine"I miss you too so much too why is Justin driving you crazy or something" Tim: "no were playing baseball and were thinking of you and wanted you home". Mine Well that sounds like fun I wish I was there instead of here this doesn't get any easier to go to these baby showers" Tim" Well we both love you and we have the best family anyone could want. I just have to say how cute. Then tears started to stream down my face and I had to excuse myself. I couldn't help it I just all of a sudden found I was an emotional mess at this shower and was afraid for anyone to see me like that. It was so hard I just wanted to go home to my family. I felt like no one knew how I felt. I felt alone and trapped. I am watching my 2 friends that had there kids there one who had a young baby that I was talking about earlier and my other some what of a friend who was pregnant and rubbing her tummy like crazy and I honestly didn't feel like I fit in. All these women got to experience being pregnant and having pictures of there big belly's and having a shower and everyone being excited for you and excited to see this baby, and they all get to experience and talk about the first time they held and looked at there child and they will get to share memories of the child as a baby and get to go through the whole experience and probably do it again for another child. I just feel so happy to have Justin but I can't say I even have a picture of him any younger then when he first came to us. There was no pictures and I don't know his background. I can't tell him his nationalities and don't know what his religion was before but we are choosing one for him since we don't know, I can't tell him any family history. DHS doesn't have any of this stuff so it is hard. I can't say when he was born he weighed ---- and
he was this long ----- and he was born at ------ time. I don't know where all his scares came from I know some but not all that has happened to him in his life and all these women have no idea of what that feels like because they are all going to experience it and they all think I am fine because I have Justin when I guess I am obviously not. So no infertility never gets easier and I had learned that yesterday. It still carries into today and I don't know how to stop this and move on. It is the same thing with my dad passing I know I will never get over it but when can I just learn to deal with it. It is so hard and I don't want Justin or Tim to ever feel that from me. I have to be showing it in some way if it is bothering me this much. I don't want that to happen they mean to much to me. I just am trying to look forward. But why can't I deal with it. I will never get pregnant we did all we could do exhausted ever option and now are adopting to make our dream for a family come true but the infertility still creeps in my head and starts being this negative force. I feels like a magnet it sucks the life out of you. I make me so emotional and upset. I hate that because I know I was always stronger then that. After my dad and the infertility it is like I have become weak. Just like I said like it sucked the life out of me. Thanks for all listening this is the only place I can go and really explain myself and feel like people understand me and not judge me. I can't talk this openly with anyone because they truly don't understand these feelings at all and I felt some of you may have felt this as well. I just don't want to hear another person is pregnant or inviting me to any baby showers for a while.Thank you all again.