Merry Christmas to all and happy hoildays!

It is Christmas morning at 6:45 am and I am down here typing anxiously waiting for the little guy to wake up for the moment I have waited 4 and a half years for. I am so excited. I got the video camera all charge and the camera and while I was laying in bed I kept thinking I heard him but it wasn;t so I figured while I am so excited for this moment that I would share it with all of you. I just can't believe this day is here. Yeah we don't know till January 13 if we get to keep him but that I get to share this day with an amazing little boy. This was all I asked for and hoped for and it is finally here. O my god I am tearing up typing this. Probably because I am remember being so down and sad on Christmas between my dad and family not being here and not having my own family (a child) to get me excited for them. I am so happy I am here right now and I never thought this day would ever come. But it is finally here and it feels fantastic. For those who are still waiting for there moment I am thinking of you and praying that next Christmas you can too enjoy this feeling because it is great and emotional all at the same time. I can't express how happy I feel and how whole I am. I think I will feel complete when I hear those word that rights were terminated. Till then I am just enjoying the moment I am having with him especially the one I will be having a few minutes when he gets up. heeheee I feel like a little kid waiting for Santa and I am waiting for him to have that same feeling I felt on Christmas morning. Can't wait.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I have to post to say congradulations!

One of my first blogging friends and one of the nicest people have just found out they are finally chosen to adopting a baby! http://countlesstomorrows.blogspot.com/
Congratulations to Savannah and Josh. I couldn't be more happier. They are just excellent people and have been waiting so long and have been through so many ups and down that when I found out I almost fell out of my seat with excitement. I was so compelled to post a congratulations. We have talked so much before about our infertility and need for adoption and she has been so helpful to me and supportive from the very begining that I am just so happy this is happening for them. I always wanted to thank her so much for getting me through so many days that I was just down and need some support from someone who knew what I was going through and she was there and there more then most of my friends and I appreciated that greatly. They are going to be the best parents and I couldn't be more happier for this wonderful couple. :) :) :)

Please let me vent

Okay I first like to say thank you so much for the love and support from everyone and all the nice things that have been said. I appreciate them all.
I do have to vent or write to feel better. So my friend that I talked about in the past that has been trying to get pregnant for less then a year and who has cried to me that she knows how I feel and all of that is pregnant. I don't know why but it has been botheringme since she told me yesterday. I have to see her today for a Christmas party and I don't know how to not be fake. I am digging deep to feel happy for her and I guess you have to know her is why it is so hard to feel happy for her. She is a nervous nelly and everything is a big deal and she can find a negative in the most positive things. Last year I blogged about when my friend Tricia got pregnant that My friends Sabrina was upset and leaning on me saying how she wants a baby so bad and it was just because everyone else had it. Well talking to her yesterday after she told me and I asked if she was happy and she just kept saying really nervous and scared and making a big deal out of the little stuff like she got that test to see if the baby has any down syndrome and she is waiting for the results and all of that. I told her this is what you wanted you should be happy.She says I know but I am just nervous about it all. I remember back when Tricia got pregnant that she said Tricia always said negative things and she should just be happy that she can have what we can't and what does she do. Like I said I don't know why this is bothering me so much and I wish it didn't. I truly truly don't want an infant at all but I guess the idea of never being able to experience it or to know that , that part of my life is taken away just bothers me. I guess knowing I can't have it like every other women makes me feel almost like a failure as a women. I know I am not but it is just like can I get ahead ever. Everyone around you sometimes makes you feel like they get what they want when they want it and I feel like my husband and I have just fought to get everything and we are still fighting to get everything. Like you all know this little boy the rights have not been termed yet and it scares me to death. So since I was so down on myself last night I said to time if this falls through with this little boy we are leaving the state to get a fresh start where people don't know you and you don't have to be fake with your emotions in front of people because they don't know your background. I wish I didn't feel this way but I am being very open and honest right now. I think I need to be to get this all out to feel better. I just don't like feeling this way and I found out about our other friend Tricia at this time too and it is like again. I truly want to feel happy and not selfish but I am just I guess mourning the loss of infertility. I just want to go tonight and give her a hug and congratulate her and it be honest feelings not just masked. So yeah it is hard and I wish I can just brush it off since I have my big exam tomorrow and I need to focus. Thanks for listening and letting me get it all out.

Thankful!

Sorry but everything has been so busy. Between going to school in which I take my big 5 and 1/2 hour exam on Dec 5 (please wish me luck), and the holidays, shopping, work and all the places I have to take this little boy because DHS has things they request from you I haven't has time for anything. I try to get on but not long enough and then I hear him calling "Susie when are you going to play with me" and you know I have waited to so long for that moment that I can't pass it up and I run to have that time with him. He is doing well. Yesterday we hit a little bump in the road not such a good day. He had 3 time outs. I feel bad because I know it is because the holiday we have all our family and friends over and he did good all the other days but I think his parents were really on his brain yesterday. I felt bad putting him in time out but I know I have to stay on top of him or he will learn he can get away with stuff. I can't have him talking back and throwing things. My mother in law and father in law were over for the worst temper tantrum and they looked so uncomfortable they looked like they can run out of the room. He was thrashing and I had to hold his legs and arms and head and wait until he calmed down to start his 5 minute time out. Tim's mom didn't agree she thought I should start it right when I put him in time out but I explained to her that then he gets what he wants. He wants attention so if I am holding him down and calming him down he has my undivided attention and where is the punishment in that I start the time when I let him go and he was listening. I don't care if he is crying in time out just not trying to run away or have a temper he needs to calm down and think about why he is there. She said she doesn't believe in time out and she never did that but I think the child should know you are upset with them for there actions that hurts them more then hitting them. The hitting goes away the feeling that your parents are upset with you doesn't. At least that is what I explained to her. I try to explain that we pick our battles. She wanted to put him in time out for not listening to her when she told him to put on his socks. I told her that he takes off his socks all the time and he always runs warm and if he feels cold he can put on his socks. I personally didn't think that was something for her to fight with him with. If he is at her house that is fine but we were at my house. Some times gets frustrating when in laws want to tell you how to parent. If I asked her for advice that would be one thing but I didn't. It gets hard because we all need to be on the same page as not to confuse him.
I do what to say Thanksgiving was great and I am very thankful for this little boy. He is so special to us and I can't imagine our lives without him in it. We find out Jan 13 and I pray to god that God is on our side and that this boy doesn't go back because the judge happen to be in a bad mood that day. DHS says if it was up to them he would be ours and rights would be terminated. They say though it is up to the judge and judges are like gods and that you never know what they are going to do. I find it sad that judges never have to go to all the classes we had to, to be foster parents because then they would understand the system better and what is best for the child so they don't keep the child in the system for years and years and then the child is older and nobody wants the older child. It is sad. But I can't say enough how grateful I am to have him and share this time with him. He is just so great. I can't wait till he is ours and I can share that with all of you and show pics. He is so cute. :)

sorry it has been so long

I have been really busy so I am writing to you from work at lunch. We are doing well but it is hard to know what I can and can't discuss with everyone. I will not know if parents rights are termed until January so it is hard. We have defiantly been through our ups and downs. But to tell you the truth we love him and I couldn't imagine my life without him. He is a great kid. I can't wait to share all with you. He has his days especially when his mom sent gifts for b-day. That was hard and acted out for at least a week. We felt horrible but we had to discipline so we told him every time he didn't listen or did something bad or acted out in school we will take away a car or something he likes. I think he did get that because he is acting great this week and said I am good today can I have a car back and we say wait till the end of the day and if you are good with no time out of warning then we will give you the care back. So we are doing good just anxious to find out if both parents term so we can go on vacation in Feb to Disney like we have discussed. They say it sounds as it will happen but they don't want our hope up as the decision is up to the judge but that DHS has a case. I of course can't go into detail but I think I gave you the just. I just don't know what I can share and not so it gets hard to go on this thing and share what I would love to share with all of you. I am just enjoying my time with him and excited about Christmas. Please everyone pray that this goes through and he becomes ours. I will defiantly let you know what happens when it gets closer. These last few weeks have been hectic with his schedule for school and DHS schedule for them and doc appt and dental and all that then he was sick with flu and then I had it and now I am just almost over it while I am going to school on Saturday 8 hours and Tuesday night for 3 hours. It is hard and I am sorry I didn't share but as you can imagine my life has turned upside down for the better and I just can't wait to say he is ours and then get to share photos and stories. :)

having a great time in cloud 9

I am so shocked how well we all fit together. He is perfect in our family as if he has been there for years. He makes me so proud. On October 22 the court day is for some preliminary hearing to start the process of termination. He social worker is coming to visit him on the 26 so hopefully I will find out more then. Please pray for me that this little guy gets to stay with us. We love him so much and he has also told us that he loves us as well. I truly think the rights will be termed on the parents just off what I hear from him but I am worried about a family member coming out of the wood work some where. I pray this all goes well but I know I have a long process ahead. He is awesome and excellent and everyone he meets they all say he touches there heart. He is just so sweet and out going and cares so much about everyone which I think at his young age is very rare. We really got lucky with him. My friend Kim (who also adopted 3 years ago) said you will know he if he is right for your family when you meet him. She was right the first day I knew he was family. Thank you all so much for the support. Sorry it has been hard to be on here these days so busy running around and in a little I have to leave to pick the little one up from school. :)
So so so so HAPPY!!!!

loving this

Sorry I don't have much time but my mother in law is watching him right now. She asked for me to bring him over to play with another family member child that is about his age. I am having such a great time. I just got back from grocery shopping and have to go to pick him up in 10 minutes we are bring pizza to our family's house were we will meet back with him. Here are some picks that I can show you that don't show his face or anything that can tie him to any child. I also have a pic of his adorable Halloween costume he picked out. I also wanted to thank everyone for the support and words of wisdom. This is my first time and it isn't like we had him from birth and molded him. So it is sometimes hard to know how to answer there questions. I used your advise and he is doing well. Of course he has his moments as to be expected but for the most part he is taking everything and stride and unfortunately a bit spoiled now. whoops.

Need Help

Okay his is 4 years old and cut as can be. Let's name him a fake name and name him Austin for a fake name. His is a sweet child and really friendly. He is not legally adoptable yet but they are going to get right termed. The social worker said he has been in the system to many times that they don't see why the judge wouldn't terminate rights which sounds promising. I asked what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said a bat. Well that is going to be an interesting costume but I am sure I will find one. I do need help though. He obviously doesn't understand what is going on and he misses his mom dearly. Had to have asked about her at least 15-20 times which is understandable but what do I say back to him. How do I transition him into our home. I just told him for now when he asks when he is seeing mom, I told him that we are his mother's friends so that he doesn't see us as the bad people who took him away from his parents and I tell him that his mom asked us to watch him for a little while. Then the next question is when am I going to see her. I tell him not tonight because you are sleeping at our house but that we are going to have a bunch of fun. When he broke down the first time we ran to the store and we bought him a bunch of clothes and some toys to brighten his smile and lift his spirits. I feel so bad for this little guy he just doesn't understand. He misses his mom so much and I just don't know what else to say or how much longer I can keep saying the same thing before he thinks we are lying since he will probably never see his mom. I just need advice what to say and how long or how to transition him into this home. We are truly trying our hardest to make him feel as comfortable as possible. I was thinking maybe next weekend when he gets more comfortable we can tell him this is your room lets go decorate it with toys chest and a bunch of stuff so that he starts to feel like this is his home. I know I got a lot in front of me. I am going to enroll him in school tomorrow as DHS has told me he needs to be in school within 5 school days. I need to get him a physical with in 30 days per DHS which should be fun (sarcastic). Well I got to go off to bed . I am sure he will be waking up early and just wanted to ask for some advice on what you think or how to go about this. Thanks everyone for the support.

Craziness, happiness

Well very funny story today. After I posted that blog below today about being positive and moving in a better direction I had got a call about a possibly adoption of a 4y/o boy, healthy. That is all I can say because I can say specifics but that I asked when we would need to start fostering and they said today. She practically wanted an answer right on the spot. I told her I had to call my husband first. We said yes and he should be here between 2-4. The social worker will be bringing him here. We were also told that we would probably need to go to the store to buy clothes as she may not be able to get much. So like I said I can't get into specifics since it is a law not to reveal the identity of the child but I don't think I have given anything away about who he is or the parents. I am new at this of course so I of course and scared to brake any rule or law as not to loose my fostering license. I am so excited and nervous of course since we never meet him but so excited to meet him. My in laws are having us over tonight, I mean it was planned in advance but now that they know they are supper excited as well. I am sorry but I obviously can't post any pic's until he would hopefully become legally ours but I will share anything I can even if the picture doesn't reveal his face I will try to share as i am appreciative for everyone's support and getting me through all this craziness and wild roller coaster of emotions and things. He will be here in just an hour or two and I have so many butterflies and I am just so excited right now I don't know how to explain it. I can't believe that in 20-30 minutes after that post I got a call. It is eire to think that I posted about being positive it can all happen the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know don't get my hopes up but I have to open my heart to this child, especially that he has been through that I can't hold back. I feel I either have to be all the way in or not at all. Well I decided to be all the way in so all I can think is this is going to be positive and it will be a happy situation, I can't think of the bad or the bad can happen. Wish me luck and thank you all for the support, I will keep you posted.

Sorry about last post

Just want to say sorry for last posting. I was upset and frustrated. I started venting. I feel like this emotional roller coaster is really getting to me. This week end I had class went out with friends and tried not to think about the hectic and crazy stuff that has gone on around me. Thank you for letting me vent. I do TRULY feel better. I feel more positive today. I am trying to keep my life back on coarse. When you go through those emotions of happiness, to loss, to frustration, to no communication, it starts to really ware on you and your body. I told Tim this weekend that I sometimes don't even recognize myself anymore. I just want a family so bad that it is consuming my life and I can't let it. That is why today is a new day and I have to keep smiling and just praying that those children I had in my home are fine and happy as well and as long as they are safe and happy I am to. This is my only way I know how to change stuff around. I think with the holiday's coming and all the pressure and sense of depression started to leak into my life. Like when I wrote that post, I just got done crying to Tim that we won't be able to go trick or treating this year with some kids, and how thanksgiving is going to be boring without kids and Christmas is going to be sad. Instead I need to keep on track and say no, there is still a chance that it can still happen ad if it doesn't this year then defiantly next year. I am trying to turn it all around. I want to be happy and feel good for me, my family and my health. Thank you all again for understanding. :)