Crazy week

I am so sorry it has been so long. I will update you on our crazy roller coaster of emotions week. So this past Tuesday I had got a call at work around lunch time from a social worker at DHS. She asked me if I would be interested in doing respite care for 2 kids, one is a 3 y/o boy and the other a 1 y/o girl. Well yes you are probably thinking what I was thinking. I asked "well is that going to affect the possible adoption with these other 2 little boys I have been waiting to hear on". She said "oh Rita said she e-mailed you a little while ago and that fell through". Oh yeah way to tell me I am thinking and I didn't check my e-mail because I have been at work since 6 in the morning and it was 12 noon and I was going to check. Well I asked if there were any special needs she said no and I asked if they were healthy she said yes then I asked when did I need to get them and she said if you can today. I was dumbfounded. I was like "I am at work till 6 pm today but can I call my husband first to find out. I called my husband with the butterflies in my stomach and excitement is taking over. I asked him what he thought he said to ask about the situation. I was so excited I forgot to ask. I told him when I call to ask about the situation should I say yes or no, he said to ask if there is a possible adoption that can come out of this. I called her back all excited and anxous and asked what the situation was. She said she was not the social worker for the kids and that she was out but she would try to share as much info as she knew with me. She said that grandparents had children for a year and they didn't think they could do this and they needed a brake. I am trying not to give personal info away though because I can't say names to specifics since they are not my children, so I will tell what I can. But I asked any chance for adoptions and first I heard I would be watching them for 2 weeks then they said for 6-8 weeks or permanent. I was excited this can be a possibility but I heard mom is a hot head. I told them we would do it and picked them up on Tuesday night. I have to admit the first night I looked at Tim and said do you think we can do this. Meaning have kids. We had 2 of them 3 and 1. It was a bit overwhelming. They were adorable though. We got no sleep the first night because all we did was listen for them. We didn't know there temperament or anything so we keep checking on them. The next day was tough but I started to fall into a rhythm and started to fall in love with them and fast. Then on Thursday I was hooked. After laying down with them for naps and reading them stories and kissing there booboo's, and hugging ad kissing them it was hard not to be hooked I felt like a mom. Everything just started to fall into place and then we get the devastating call. The mom is freaking out that the kids are not with there grandparents and she wants them with family. She called I guess all of the family she knew. She got one of the children's grandparents that they only meet the kids once in there lives. I was heart broken. We had to given them back that night and I was just beside myself with emotion. I cried the whole way home and I just have to say I definitely didn't approve of the home we dropped them off to. If DHS was open I would have called them and said you have to be kidding me. I called the next day and they said they had to talk with them and see the home and they deemed it okay for the kids to go to which floors me. Just to see that 3 year old face looking up at me like what did I do wrong, crushed me. I told Tim it was not our choose and I feel so guilty and I just wanted to take them. I have had a rough last couple of days and today I am still trying to fight back tears as I write this. I just hate the system. These kids were living with grandma and grandpa for a year out of the mothers care. How long can you give a mother to get her act together. There is two of them come on. The grandparents seemed nice the one's we picked them up from but they must not work with him which is so sad. He didn't even know his name or age. I am just hurting right now. We did get an e-mail asking if it falls through with these grandparents would we be willing to foster them. I told them no not unless there is a possibility to adopt. I am not sure if that is the right decision but I just don't want to hurt like this again or hurt there children going from home to home. I told Tim to call there social worker to find out the back story and see if there is a chance to adoption. I don't know it seems like we are back to childless again. After getting a taste of motherhood it makes me sad and makes me want it even more. I miss them so much and I just want a family more then anything in the world. I just can't wait to finally be picked. I feel like we have been waiting forever. I keep seeing more and more of my blogging friends be match and I am happy as can be for them but I think when is it finally my turn to be happy and feel that excitement. I am just hurting right now and just want this time to go by fast and can stop when we are choose to be parents. Thanks for letting me share it has been long but with 2 kids it was hard to get on the computer and then I was sad and it was hard to think about or even write about without getting upset. I am trying though. :)