Poor child YOU HAVE TO READ THIS

This is so sad and breaks my heart. This poor child and I can't believe this woman can possible do this. You make your own opion. This upset me.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/eu_russia_adopted_boy

Baby clothes

Ever since I got that call in February for that infant from DHS I have thought about what if they call me today I will be ready. I don't think I want to do that. Before that call I was obsessed with the fact we were parents to Justin who is our dream come true. We were happy with just him for the rest of our lives until that call came in and all of a sudden my heart opened up to the idea of a baby. I don't like that I feel that way because I don't want to be greedy and I don't know if it is just the feeling because of loss that all my friends are pregnant or just had a baby that I feel lose that I can't have one or I didn't get to experience it but I know I am truly happy with Justin 100% but I have these thoughts and more so when a baby shower or a baby is born or even when I go in the extra share bedroom I think about it because I have all the baby stuff in there. I have clothes for both boy and girl clothes, burp rags, bottles, a little bear lamp and piggy bank, blankets, bibs, baby toys and even a play pen. I am honestly thinking about giving it to my mother in law and if I need a baby outfit for a friend I can just go over to her house. Everyone thinks I am crazy when I say that and I am wondering from fellow infertile blogging friends if you ever feel this way. When I say everyone says I should just store it out of site that is my family and friends even my mother in law said she will store it but she doesn't understand why I wouldn't just store it. I feel out of site out of mind and I feel like it is some kind of closer. I feel I might need that last closer. You know what everyone said after that RIGHT. You will probably get pregnant or get a call on an infant. I say out of sight out of mind and if it happens then the worst thing that can happen is I go over there and get it all back but do I truly think I will really get it all back. NO. Do I think I will ever get pregnant? NO Do I think I will ever get a call on an infant? NO. Could it happen possibly but the probability is no. I think we will adopt one more child and they will be older then an infant. I check websites for kids that are under 7 that need a home all the time but it just seems harder to adopt a child out of state. But anyway instead of changing subjects that is just how I feel and was thinking about packing it up this weekend and wanted to know what everyone thought. Am I being ridiculous? have others thought of this? what was you experience. I am thinking about packing it all up this weekend not sure yet see how much time I have. I just think this may be enough closer so I can just focus on my little boy. :)

Family Easter photo

I always tell my husband Tim that we don't have a lot of family photo's all together and it was Easter and we already left my in laws house and had no one to take our pic and Tim found that we had a timer on my camera who knew. Well here are a few of our family photos to capture this memory that will last forever and there are a few takes because we have never had a timed pic before.

Easter

We colored Easter eggs yesterday and he loved it he had a lot of fun. It was everything I can dream of. I have been dreaming and imagining doing this with a child of our own for many years and finally my time has come and I can't put in to words how great that felt.

Today Happy Easter! The picture below he just woke up and he saw a gift from us. No it is not a picnic table but a table for sand on one side and water on the other for boat and cars and stuff with an umbrella so he doesn't burn while he pl ayes. He was very excited amongst all the other things we bought him for Easter. I know we spoiled him everyone keeps telling me but I feel like we have missed almost 5 years of his life and I feel like just want him to enjoy it as much as we do. When he would go wow look at this I am a lucky boy, I couldn't help but get a little teary eyed because he doesn't have any idea how lucky I am to have him. We tell him every day but I don't think he truly gets it. I get butterflies and teary when he gets so excited and I see that excitement because that is everything I couldn't wait to experience and these are moments I will never get back and I want to cherish them.

After eggs and gifts inside we went and took showers and dressed up for church and we let him find the rest of his eggs outside with his nice clothes on I now what was I thinking but it was the only way to get him excited about going to church and bringing some of the candy to church. Sorry some of these are side ways but I have not been feeling good today. It started yesterday and I think it is sinus. My head is killing me and my eyes are waterier, throat sore, nose running and ears pop when swallowing. Hope you all have a good Easter.

Sorry it has been so long

Sorry it has been so long but not much to report on until now. No we haven't heard back from the judge that the petition was denied from the birth dad but we hope it is soon. We will have had Justin 6 months April 5. He came to us October 5 and I will never forget that day as long as I live as that was the day this little boy changed our lives forever. The adoption worker thinks she can finalize the adoption by May but without a finalization on the petition from the court we are kind of waiting while the agency is finalizing and tying up the loose ends so we can adopt him as soon as the petition denies. It is so wonderful listening to Justin call us mom and dad. I truly thought it would never happen because he talked so much about his birth parents but he choose to call us mom and dad. I write a journal for him of what is going on and that he started calling us mom and dad since March 1. It just is a huge step but now he is going through this thing where he has night mares about his birth parents taking him away. He keeps asking when he is ours and I tell him he is. He keeps saying I know but when is it official that my last name changes and I told him hopefully soon but every time the social worker or the adoption lady come over it just reminds him that this is not done yet. I hate that because he is trying to move forward and we are pushing him forward and telling him not to worry about anything because he is ours and will always be but he is a smart kid and tells that he understands but I know that it is in the back of his mind and I can't wait for that day in court to make it official. I know it is just a paper and to me we don't need a paper he is ours but to him it would mean the world and I think close that chapter of his life. I wish the system can see what it does to kids and how waiting all this time just gives them anxiety they shouldn't have to have. It just sometimes seems like they play a game see how much you can take. It is to me if I had him the 6 months and you recommend and tell us we are great parents for him and we have a tone of paper work and back round checks and all why can't you pick up the process for these children.
Well anyway since last Friday until now all Justin talks about is wanting a brother or sister. I think he is hearing the kids at school because every child in his class has a sibling and most of the kids in his class are the youngest. He I think hears the good stuff about how much fun they have and that and it makes him want to have a sibling. So on Monday when I went to pick him up at school one of the moms I always talk to (she also adopted and our sons are good friends) she brought he niece with her to pick up her son and he niece was probably 2 but Justin comes out of class in front of all the moms and says "where did you get that baby did you go to the hospital and pick he out and mom (to me) why can't we have a baby and think you and dad need to have a baby". My face was 5 shades of red. I know he is just a kid but I was just so embarrassed all I can do was laugh. The things that kid comes up with. He tells me on the way home from school can we go to the hospital and pick out a baby. I told him that is not the way it works. He said did those people (DHS) call you about a baby needing a home. I told him not yet. He then said well when are they going to call already. hahahah. He cracks me up and also asked me why can't I have babies. I feel bad I can't give him that. I know he wants a brother or sister so bad. He talks about how he will show the child right from wrong and tell them there alphabet, reading, and even teach them some Spanish words he learned in school. How cute. I hope they do call us. Ever since that call in February I always keep my phone now next to me so we are ready for the next child now that Justin wants a sibling it is hard. Well like everyone says everything happens for a reason. Well see where life takes me. I did have a person at work that thought there may be a potential to adopt a child but that fell through. The baby was due May 1 they decided to keep it and have mom help. We found out about in February after the first call about a baby but then we found out last we before meeting us they backed out. We were suppose to meet this Saturday but found out Tuesday they backed out. I really didn't hold my breath on that one because the girl seemed very unsure which left me with an unsure feeling. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I just try to keep the faith that one of these days I will be called and this child will be a big impact on our lives and family. I will keep you posted until then. :)

Everything happens for a reason

So Justin's social worker came over today and she told my husband how we were lucky that we didn't get involved in that baby that we were called about they they said nothing was wrong with. She said the baby is on her case load and has a lot of severe issues and as you know I can't go into to much detail but pretty much had stuff wrong with the child that we had we couldn't handle on our info we gave to DHS. My husband just happened to ask the social worker about the baby and she said we were lucky we didn't get involved because it would have been really hard on us and she was not sure we would even think to adopt again if DHS placed us with this baby. She said the CPS worker who took the case came up to Justin's social worker and told her she wouldn't call us again because we asked to many questions and were being picky. Now I swear to you all we are not that picky but something didn't seem right to us and Justin's social worker even said she knew about the child but didn't want to share with us because most of them just need to find a home for the child at the time and will tell you what you want to hear to place the child and she said she felt bad saying it but that it was true that the issue lands in there lap and they are just trying to find a place at that moment. That makes me mad. Why can't these people be up front and honest with you. I mean I don't want a child to be bounced from one home to the next at all so just be honest with me so I can say yes I can handle this or no we can't. We were not being picky but what I found odd is that our license is 0-7 years old and I was shocked they would ask us to take a baby when there is a bunch of people wanting a baby. I thought they would place us with and older child as those children seem harder to place. But the lady said on the phone to me there was nothing wrong and I asked what is the catch or the issue with this child she said nothing I even asked about other know sibling issues that may tell me about the child and she said she didn't know of any which I find out was also a lie. What the heck. How am I suppose to know when they call if it is a child I can deal with or not. If I can't handle a child for specific reasons then I can't take them on. I work and so does my husband yes granted luckily my work is flexible I work from home 2 days a week and Friday have a half a day but I still have to put in 40 hours or more when needed I can't take on sever issues and this child has. I can deal with behavioral or emotional issues I deal with that with my little guy. It isn't easy but we can handle it these issues were severe she said not even mild or moderate she said severe and you know when DHS says severe is a lot harder issue meaning more one on one and more doctor appt and or hospital and special schools and the whole thing and I can't take that on in my life and work. I am sorry to ramble but I just found this out today and it angered me and made me second guess DHS and even if I should do this with them again. I am so grateful for Justin and lucky. I want to have another for him and for us but I can't dole out any more money then I already have on my other agency and all the infertility we spent I don't have the money to go to another place. I am not sure what to do because who do you trust to do the right thing. Right now we have Bethany doing Justin's adoption which DHS hired them out to do the adoption and because he is an older child it is not much money at all to adopt just a bunch of hoops but they were saying they also do fostering and adoptions but how do I know I could trust them as well. I am so sceptical. It just made me made that this worker knew the issues and didn't share it then is telling Justin's Social worker and God knows who else that we were difficult and asked to many questions and was being picky and now we might not be called because we were sceptical when we obviously had a right to be. It just upsets me and makes me mad but obviously I am venting to you and not them as to not cause any waves but is that not right and not right of her to slam us. She didn't say to the worker she won't call but the social worker said don't expect to get any calls from her anytime soon and that makes me think if she told a bunch of people who would want to work with us. GRRRR. Makes me made all these loops to get to a dream of a family. That is all I want. I don't want to cause waves. We were told through all of our training of 28 hours of PRIDE we need to ask as many questions as possible as to not have the child bounce from home to home what happened to that is that just something they are suppose to say to draw you in to help them with these children but just not follow it. I will be honest with you on the profile we filled out we said we would take mild conditions of anything like emotional, physical, mental, learning and we said we would consider talking about any moderate issues depending on the situation it was but no severe issues because it is what we can handle, but this was severe and I am being told nothing wrong. Hello anything wrong with this. I am sorry to get to mean but this is just raw emotion I am pumping on this page and tomorrow I will probably say I probably shouldn't have said it but for now I am just so frustrated at that system I can scream. Thank you for listening to me vent. I think I needed that.
On the positive because I have to at least have one I love my little boy and he makes me smile so much I just couldn't wait to come home to him today. We read a story before he went to bed and Tim said he didn't stop talking about him wanting me to read a story to him since Tim picked him up from school. How cute. He is my little cutie. :)

Updates

Hi everyone. Yes DHS states that Justin is legally free but, and that is a big BUT his birth father petitioned the request of termination. I told my social worker I don't understand you said he is legally free and the birth parents only had 14 days to fight the decision. Well supposedly the petition from the birth father came just on the 14 day and they were not made a ware of it or something like that. They said not to worry that when birth parents petition it they rarely ever get reversed. The process is that the judge has to look back over all the paper work and make sure he crossed his T's and dotted his I's. They say this judge is very particular and that he wouldn't reverse this and there is nothing to worry about. I asked how did this happen if the paper work came in saying he is a ward of the state and that he was legally free when there is a petition out there. Supposedly the court date was 1/13/10 that we went to the Referee signed of on termination on 1/14/10 then it went to the judge and he made his decision but he didn't sign the papers until 2/1/10 when we found out 2/4/10 that he was going to be ours. The birth father put in his petition on 2/13/10 which is the 14 days and the social worker didn't find out until 2/23/10 and she said her boss told her not to even tell us because there is nothing to worry about but then she said she wanted to be honest with us. Well I asked if we are still going through with adoption and she said yes. Court was on 3/1/10 for permanency placement to say that he will be placed with us in the intent to adopt him. She said that went smooth. We even got assigned an adoption worker that is coming over next Monday and Friday to go over the adoption process. This is all so weird we are going through the adoption process but yet there is a petition out there. The social worker said she talked to my adoption worker at court on 3/1/10 and talk to Justin's Lawyer who said that the petition could take as long as 4 months to get an answer about the petition or can be as soon as a month. I don't get it because they gave us an answer on the termination in 3 weeks but the petition can take up to four months? Don't get that but they said we continue on the adoption process so that when the petition comes back as rights are still terminated then we can adopt right away without having to wait and go through all the adoption stuff after we can do it now which of course I prefer. That is why it took me so long to post because I was hoping I would have had an answer by now and not many people that know me knows this is what is going on because I feel stupid now because they are sending me cards congratulating me and my family has given him stuff in an attempt to say welcome to the family and this would pull at them and make them back on the fence like they were before. I just figured if DHS isn't worried about it I guess I shouldn't be. You know it bugs me though. I just want him to be mine and that is it. Oh and yes I am over the whole baby thing from the last blog. I know it just wasn't meant to be and the next time we get a call about a child we will be better prepared. So as happy and excited we are that we think he is going to be ours unfortunately we are on the emotional roller coaster ride until I guess those papers are signed that says he is ours and no one could come out of the woodwork or anything. A couple of days ago it snowed here. Like it always does in Michigan and we built snow men as a family and we went to the ice festival in town and here are some pics of our exciting time together as a family. :)He is so cute. We are having a ball with him and I can't wait till it is official. :)

Not sure if I made the wrong desion yesterday

Well we are still basking in the glory of having Justin. We got this call yesterday from DHS. They has an infant boy that was born on Valentine day and the mom can't go in detail but had mental health issues and has had prior terminations. They were not sure who the dad was but that they needed a home for the baby because he was being discharged today from the Hospital. Which this was yesterday. I was at work it was like 9:10 in the morning I had a meeting at work at 11-1 where I was presenting some info on our billing issues. So she called me about the baby and of course we were interested and she didn't have much info on the baby or the other children from prior term. So I was a little concerned about it but when you get the call just like when I got the call about Justin you heart starts pumping and you feel all these feelings at once. I told her I would have to call my husband and talk to work before I made the decision and you know that when they call they want the answer then. Which all happens so quickly. I called Tim and I can tell he was hesitant and said do we really want an infant and he said he thought I didn't want an infant. I was very torn and I was about to go in for my meeting that I had to be there for I felt like I thought I didn't want an infant any more but when I got the call it all changed for me some people at work over heard me talking on the phone about the baby and started to get excited and as soon as you knew it people were coming over and hugging me and congratulating me before I even gave my final answer and for a change it felt good. It felt like I fit in. We have 4 girls who are pregnant at work who were telling me they would help me and we can all do this together and people were so nice and offering stuff to help with the baby since I don't have anything for a baby. I called my friend Tricia that had the baby the end of last year just to get the 411 on baby. I know the diaper and the burping and feeding and all the common sense stuff but like how the baby is now suppose to lay (back, side, stomach) they always change that and I wasn't sure and how to warm a bottle if there is bpa in plastic how to warm it up little things like that to catch me up and if I can really do this with Justin so new an all we never talked to him about another child yet because I would have never guessed it would happen so soon seeing how long we waited to even get Justin. So I was kind of torn about that too because I only thought it was far that I talk to Justin to make family decisions and not just make the call just me and Tim now that we are family. Trust me if we didn't have Justin we would have said yes in a heart beat, but we have Justin and we love him beyond belief and I gave the phone number to Tim and told him to talk to the social worker about what questions he had and what to do. As I was sitting there at the meeting and standing up talking all I can think about was how it would be if we say yes is Tim going to say yes am I going to be picking up this baby right after I get out of work? My mind was racing and everyone that knew can tell I wasn't myself at the meeting I couldn't keep on track. They all understood though but I had to be professional though and it was so hard to gather my thoughts and talk in front of everyone and I already get nerves when talking in front of people and there were about 100 people so I felt crazy yesterday. When I was able to sit down I started to think and I text ed Tim that "maybe this is good we say yes and lets take a leap of fate and live by the seat of our pants like we always do because that is what we are known for. Nothing ever goes as plan for us so we mine as well live it up and take it for what it is we had to get the call for a reason". After my text my husband was calling and I was in the meeting so I know he needed me so I tried to excuse myself and my husband then told me he already turned it down. I was kind of crushed. Don't get me wrong at all I am so happy with Justin and happy even if it was just him in our life and we couldn't have more kids and would be so happy. But it was my thinking and fantasizing about our life if we said yes then when he said we turned it down it hurt. I asked him what his hold back is and I know he was nervous about the baby and infancy. I think he is intimidated of a baby. He said to me which was I guess a good point that are we going to leave work pick up Justin right away and then just go to the hospital without talking to him and making sure he will be ok with our decision as well. He said we can't be selfish and think for just us because now we have another member of our family and he was right. I just always think why did they call us did we just close a door that should have been opened? I don't know and I can't change it now. Tim did call DHS back at like 3 to see if they had found a family because he talked with Justin and he was excited to be a big brother and help the baby but they had already placed the baby with a family. He said he can tell I was down about the news so he called to see what would come out of it and was hoping after hearing that Justin was on board that I would come home and we can all go up there as a family to pick up this baby but unfortunately that is not what happened. It is really hard to not think what if. That is what is driving me wild today. What was cute though was Justin asked me this morning when he woke up if we were going to pick up a baby today and I had to explain that is not how it works and that we were preparing him in case we get another call about a child and then of course he said well when are you getting the call again. I tried to explain that we never know. It is hard to explain that to him but it was nice to see that he was excited about. I don't know what do you all think and I just being selfish here? I know I should just be happy that I at least had Justin and trust me I am the thought never crossed my mind until that call and it seemed to change everything and I don't know why. It seemed to then make me think what if instead of I just want Justin. I always wanted 3 kids and Tim 2 Kids but as you all know plans don't always go the way you think they will. So we always said if we have one we will be happy with that but if we can get another child that would be great but that we wouldn't be sad if it was only one child. I don't know am I wrong for feeling this way. I don't know I just keep thinking like for example this morning while I was dropping Justin off at school that well if I had the baby I would have to get two of them ready and bring this baby in with me to get Justin set up for school then I would come home and probably be feeding the baby or putting the baby down for a nap. It just felt like I fit in for a change. I felt like there is all these people at work pregnant and excited for me and even more excited for me then when I told them about Justin and saying we can all do this together and my friend had a baby the end of last year and now my other friend is having a baby this June and I just felt like for once I fit in even for that moment. I never thought I wanted it at all until that call. I felt like we would have two kids and we would have an instant family and be complete no more of this fostering stuff once it become official. I don't know but I can't take it back now. I am just trying to think about it as if it were a dream and that it didn't happen. Maybe that is not a good way to deal with this kind of stuff but I don't know how else to do it and I don't want to keep thinking what if I want to think lets live my life to the fullest and don't look back is the attitude I want. It was just hard and a very emotional day. Don't know did I make the right decision. I guess I will never know

We can share him with the world!!! There's are exciting pics

We got the call today that DHS that they got the paper work and he is legally free and we can share him with the world. Now I can share with you his name is Justin and he is 5 years old and we celebrated him turning 5 in November. His mom didn't allow him to get any immunizations so she called to tell me to start making those appointments the poor little guy. We have talked to him about his name change and if he wanted to change his first name. We said we either wanted to keep his name Justin and change middle name to Timothy or if he wanted to change his first name. I don't think he really understands. He says yeah lets change my first name and then he would say things like change it to mickey or spogbob and stuff like that. I don't know I wanted him to make that choice but I am not sure if he is still to young. We talked about just leaving it or if he did want it changed we would change it to Timothy Justin and our last name. Not sure what is going to happen yet but he has to be in our home for a minimum of 6 months which that will be April 5th. She said she sent the letter today with everything over to the adoption worker to start are case working how exciting. And here he is our cute little guy we are always gushing about Justin. Sorry for the many pics but wanted to show you what you missed while I couldn't show pics till today. I don't know about you but I am excited. :)

We first wanted to start by saying Happy Valentine's Day after his valentine party today.

This is the first day he came to our home below.
And his first vacation up north with us
Next was Halloween was so much fun to celebrate.
Justin's 5th birthday party at Chuck 'e' Cheese's it was really fun.
Then there was pictures with Santa.
Then my best and fun Christmas ever.
His first hair cut
First snow fall

Our Vacation to see my mom and brother and go to Disney

First time in a pool
This was in Disney

I hope you all enjoyed the pictures as much as I have enjoyed sharing them with all of you. You can all see our journey of happiness as he has come into our home until present went we just found out today he is legaly free and we officially start the adoption process. Today was so much fun going to his school to participate as I always dreamed at his Valentine party. He is so cute. I know all moms say that but he just lights up my life and makes us so happy. :) :) :)

Back from Vacation and BIG NEWS

We just got back from Florida yesterday and we found out last Tuesday while on vacation that rights were terminated on both parents. YEAH!!! I have to admit it felt great but as soon as I got off the phone with the social worker I thought of his mom and how we are rejoicing and she is probably beside herself. It was just kind of bitter sweet. I know she loves her soon but she just can't do it not getting into detail this is what is best for my little guy but I know she has some problems and I just kind of felt bad and I told others in the family when I told them the news and they tell me that his parents did this to themselves. I know it is true but mom I know is taking it hard. But on a more positive note. HE IS OURS!!! It felt so good when he went to bed and Tim and I were looking down on him and we said to our selves he is our son. I know it is not finalized yet but social worker said that she doesn't think there will be any issues at all trust me I asked her before I spread the news and she said she thinks we have nothing to worry about. Court is March 1 to just do the official placement that he is with us and that it is in the best interest of him and that we haven't done anything wrong is pretty much what they are checking on. Like our social worker said it is not a big deal but I am still going to go even though she said I don't have to I just want to make sure we are being represented appropriately. I am excited and can't wait till we have the paper in our hand and no one has to come and it feels like pry into your life and he will be ours officially. It just feels so good and we are on such a high. When we told him it took a bit to process but then the next day he had a melt down and then he was fine we went to Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom and Bush gardens and had a great time. We spoiled him rotten of course because we were so excited. but just wanted to share the good news. We are so happy and excited. I just can't wait to share pics but I don't think I can share them until it becomes official. I am not sure what the rule is on this kind of stuff. yeahhhhhhhh!!!! I am a MOM. :)