Thursday, February 18, 2010

Not sure if I made the wrong desion yesterday

Well we are still basking in the glory of having Justin. We got this call yesterday from DHS. They has an infant boy that was born on Valentine day and the mom can't go in detail but had mental health issues and has had prior terminations. They were not sure who the dad was but that they needed a home for the baby because he was being discharged today from the Hospital. Which this was yesterday. I was at work it was like 9:10 in the morning I had a meeting at work at 11-1 where I was presenting some info on our billing issues. So she called me about the baby and of course we were interested and she didn't have much info on the baby or the other children from prior term. So I was a little concerned about it but when you get the call just like when I got the call about Justin you heart starts pumping and you feel all these feelings at once. I told her I would have to call my husband and talk to work before I made the decision and you know that when they call they want the answer then. Which all happens so quickly. I called Tim and I can tell he was hesitant and said do we really want an infant and he said he thought I didn't want an infant. I was very torn and I was about to go in for my meeting that I had to be there for I felt like I thought I didn't want an infant any more but when I got the call it all changed for me some people at work over heard me talking on the phone about the baby and started to get excited and as soon as you knew it people were coming over and hugging me and congratulating me before I even gave my final answer and for a change it felt good. It felt like I fit in. We have 4 girls who are pregnant at work who were telling me they would help me and we can all do this together and people were so nice and offering stuff to help with the baby since I don't have anything for a baby. I called my friend Tricia that had the baby the end of last year just to get the 411 on baby. I know the diaper and the burping and feeding and all the common sense stuff but like how the baby is now suppose to lay (back, side, stomach) they always change that and I wasn't sure and how to warm a bottle if there is bpa in plastic how to warm it up little things like that to catch me up and if I can really do this with Justin so new an all we never talked to him about another child yet because I would have never guessed it would happen so soon seeing how long we waited to even get Justin. So I was kind of torn about that too because I only thought it was far that I talk to Justin to make family decisions and not just make the call just me and Tim now that we are family. Trust me if we didn't have Justin we would have said yes in a heart beat, but we have Justin and we love him beyond belief and I gave the phone number to Tim and told him to talk to the social worker about what questions he had and what to do. As I was sitting there at the meeting and standing up talking all I can think about was how it would be if we say yes is Tim going to say yes am I going to be picking up this baby right after I get out of work? My mind was racing and everyone that knew can tell I wasn't myself at the meeting I couldn't keep on track. They all understood though but I had to be professional though and it was so hard to gather my thoughts and talk in front of everyone and I already get nerves when talking in front of people and there were about 100 people so I felt crazy yesterday. When I was able to sit down I started to think and I text ed Tim that "maybe this is good we say yes and lets take a leap of fate and live by the seat of our pants like we always do because that is what we are known for. Nothing ever goes as plan for us so we mine as well live it up and take it for what it is we had to get the call for a reason". After my text my husband was calling and I was in the meeting so I know he needed me so I tried to excuse myself and my husband then told me he already turned it down. I was kind of crushed. Don't get me wrong at all I am so happy with Justin and happy even if it was just him in our life and we couldn't have more kids and would be so happy. But it was my thinking and fantasizing about our life if we said yes then when he said we turned it down it hurt. I asked him what his hold back is and I know he was nervous about the baby and infancy. I think he is intimidated of a baby. He said to me which was I guess a good point that are we going to leave work pick up Justin right away and then just go to the hospital without talking to him and making sure he will be ok with our decision as well. He said we can't be selfish and think for just us because now we have another member of our family and he was right. I just always think why did they call us did we just close a door that should have been opened? I don't know and I can't change it now. Tim did call DHS back at like 3 to see if they had found a family because he talked with Justin and he was excited to be a big brother and help the baby but they had already placed the baby with a family. He said he can tell I was down about the news so he called to see what would come out of it and was hoping after hearing that Justin was on board that I would come home and we can all go up there as a family to pick up this baby but unfortunately that is not what happened. It is really hard to not think what if. That is what is driving me wild today. What was cute though was Justin asked me this morning when he woke up if we were going to pick up a baby today and I had to explain that is not how it works and that we were preparing him in case we get another call about a child and then of course he said well when are you getting the call again. I tried to explain that we never know. It is hard to explain that to him but it was nice to see that he was excited about. I don't know what do you all think and I just being selfish here? I know I should just be happy that I at least had Justin and trust me I am the thought never crossed my mind until that call and it seemed to change everything and I don't know why. It seemed to then make me think what if instead of I just want Justin. I always wanted 3 kids and Tim 2 Kids but as you all know plans don't always go the way you think they will. So we always said if we have one we will be happy with that but if we can get another child that would be great but that we wouldn't be sad if it was only one child. I don't know am I wrong for feeling this way. I don't know I just keep thinking like for example this morning while I was dropping Justin off at school that well if I had the baby I would have to get two of them ready and bring this baby in with me to get Justin set up for school then I would come home and probably be feeding the baby or putting the baby down for a nap. It just felt like I fit in for a change. I felt like there is all these people at work pregnant and excited for me and even more excited for me then when I told them about Justin and saying we can all do this together and my friend had a baby the end of last year and now my other friend is having a baby this June and I just felt like for once I fit in even for that moment. I never thought I wanted it at all until that call. I felt like we would have two kids and we would have an instant family and be complete no more of this fostering stuff once it become official. I don't know but I can't take it back now. I am just trying to think about it as if it were a dream and that it didn't happen. Maybe that is not a good way to deal with this kind of stuff but I don't know how else to do it and I don't want to keep thinking what if I want to think lets live my life to the fullest and don't look back is the attitude I want. It was just hard and a very emotional day. Don't know did I make the right decision. I guess I will never know


  1. Wow, you had an emotional day yesterday. Maybe this phone call was simply meant to open your hearts to the possibility of another child. Its sad that you only have minutes to make a decision when those calls come, but now you have a chance to discuss it as a couple and with Justin for when the next phone call comes. There seems to be so much preparation to becoming parents. Not only do you have to prepare physically and financially, but you also have to prepare your family emotionally. Justin has been through a lot of changes recently so its probably okay that it is still just him for now. But now you can start preparing him to be an older brother so when it does happen it hopefully won't be such a shock. I have a feeling another call will come and you will be adding another child to your family someday.

  2. You did make the right decision. Babies do take soooo much time and you are still building your bond with Justin. I agree with the previous comment in that now you can prepare for the next call. It does take time to prepare for an infant. That is why God made pregnancy 9 months. Now you can start preparing your home and heart for another child, knowing there WILL be another call. I know this is hard and the what ifs will drive you mad. Just know that if God intended that baby to be a part of your family He would have moved in your hubby's heart when he made that call and hubby would have said yes. Give it time with Justin. Continue to live it up with just him. He needs that one on one for a while longer. He needs you and with a newborn in the house that would not have been possible. You made the right decision. Don't beat yourself up about this for another minute.

  3. Did you try that link I sent you yet?