On a ruff patch

He hasn't been good this week. The listening skills have been terrible and now he is doing something weird to his face that we brought him back to his eye doctor on Monday and he gave us drops thinking maybe it was an infection in his eye that he couldn't see that was causing him to make this face as if he had a stroke. It is kind of scary. If after 10 days he continues to make the face then we will have to bring him to a neurologist. I pray it isn't anything serious. We are also unfortunately getting him tested for ADHD. We think this may be a possibility of his issues. I have been told I have been denying that he has that problem but I just don't want to drug up my kid. I want him to still have spunk about him but I also want him to be able to control himself.


We will see what happens. We don't have an appointment till February. I just don't know what to do anymore so I figured lets get him tested to rule it out. I didn't like when I looked it up that he had every single thing on there. I hope I was just looking to far into it and he doesn't have it. But the sudden outbursts and him crying for no reason and not knowing why. Or just snapping on a dime at you and later can't explain why he did it. The weird part about it though is he is just so smart. He would be brilliant if he could just listen to the teacher and stop getting into trouble and that is why I am getting him tested. It is the hardest thing. I don't want him to be labeled if he is but I feel it has to be done so he can get to his full potential and so that our family can be sane. It is a rocky boat. The teacher asked me today if we were planning to adopt again and I said yes we want to. Then she asked if we have kids in our neighborhood and told her we don't have a neighborhood we live in the country on 6 acres of land with farm land around us so no kids. Then she asked if there are other kids in the family and I told her know his second cousin is the next Youngest at 17 years old so he is the only child. When I was talking to her she thought his talking with other kids was getting out of control and she thinks he gets so excited to talk to other kids because he doesn't get to. I told her I try to set up play dates but there are maybe 2 or 3 a month because I work Tim works and the parents don't want to drive all the way to see us and it is a bit of a hassle because it isn't close to our home but we do it for him. She doesn't know why he tends to have a listening problem like he can't sit still and listen he will get into mastiff. We will see what happened.

On a positive we are leaving for Florida on Jan 21 next Friday in a week and so excited for a vacation we need it. Work and issues we have been having with Justin just need to relax and have fun in the sun. I can't wait.

Also on Wednesday I got a call from a lawyers office I had not been to in two years. I went because I was interested in adopting an older child at the time in another state. Well the lawyer told me I had a retainer fee of $12,000 to him and then I would have to pay to go to this state and to pay the other adoption places fees and it was racking up the money fast so he I declined and he said he would keep our birth mom letter and if a birth mom chooses us then we can adopt that way and it would be cheaper. Well guess what, now over 2 years later we get a call. Birth mom is 9 weeks pregnant this is her 3rd adoption and she is going to be evicted from her house and we would have to pay $2,400 for her to keep her place and then $1,200 a month until the baby is 6 weeks and then we still have a $12,000 retainers we have to pay the attorney plus pay for her attorney and then we have to buy all this stuff when the baby come it was costing with all the add ons it would cost us $25,000-$30,000 . I just knew we didn't have the money. We could come up with it but we would be in the hole and I just in the economy want to be that far in debt. I knew though that if we didn't have Justin that we probably would have jumped at the chance because we were so desperate to be parents. Know that we have him it is weird how priorities have changed. I am sure if it was Catholic Social Services calling or DHS we probably would have taken them up on that child but it was just to much money and we had to think about everything but it was an exciting moment that we finally were chosen by a birth mom but it was unfortunate that it just was not right for us. We have to see what the future holds.

Hip Hip Horray

Follow up on my earlier post he was in the green and in a great mood. Another great day. I am so happy and he is so happy as well. Just wanted to share my excitement with all. :)

Full steam ahead

I am so happy. The holidays are over and we right now have a happy family. Not that I don't like the holiday's because I do so much but it was my dad's favorite time of the year and it makes me miss him even more near Christmas and reading "The Night Before Christmas" book to Justin on Christmas eve the same book my dad reed to be every Christmas eve choked me up as I reed it to him and Tim as I wished my dad were here to see him and how proud he would be.

Not only as you can imagine was it hard for me but it was harder on Justin. He wouldn't tell us or open up to much about to us but it has been a hectic couple of months with him since about the middle of October we have struggled with him. I know you all haven't heard from me during that time much but it is because I don't like to complain but or say anything negative about this little boy I have dreamed about but I wish people were a little more real and told you what it was really like to adopt an older child because I thought I knew and could imagine but I had no idea. I think the blog missing pieces or I think it is know called perfect pieces I can really relate to in so many ways as she is honest and raw about it and she helped me not feel so alone and I bet she has no idea that she really helped those days I wanted to blog but just didn't want to say anything negative because unless you live with this little boy and have adopted an older child you don't understand the feelings.

Don't get me wrong at all I love him to death and he is an excellent kid. It is those moods you are not ready for that come up and bit you. I know all kids have tantrums and no child is perfect but these issues are like no other. It had got to the point were I was almost scared for Tim and I as we had fought like we never had before. Before Justin I would never in my wildest dreams think anything could break us we had gone through a lot together. But when the stress mounts and you both can't agree on how to parent it becomes kind of crazy. Now I know you should both be on the same page and before Justin we knew how to parent but with the stressful issues that come up from adopting an older child through foster care that you didn't imagine would go so unplanned it tends to through your world up and sometimes you just don't know what to do anymore because you feel like you tried everything and now you both start to argue. Not good and of course never intended. So we think this all started in October before his birthday and before the adoption and Christmas and I think it was all a little to much for him. He was acting out and in a bad way. It was hard and now looking back I don't know how we got through it but we did and so happy we did.

Let me describe it this way. When he is good he is very very good and when he is bad it is horrid. I don't know how else to describe it but it is an emotional roller coaster ride. I really do understand what he has been through I could only imagine and never know but like I told my mother in law that is no way to talk to people that love and support you and he needs to understand that or if we let him get away with it what is he going to be like when he gets older. He is doing good academically in school. I honestly think he is ridiculously smart as of last year he didn't know how to write his name or how to count to 3 or even know ABC or colors or shapes. He is way beyond that now starting to read small books at 6 and teacher says he is at a 1st grade reading level which is awesome for a kindergartner. But behavior wise he was getting in a lot of trouble there and at home. One day the teacher called to tell me he was in red which is the worst and what he did was just crazy but when he got home he cheered he was in the green and had a great day. We gave him opportunity after opportunity to tell the truth but he refused even after spending almost 45 minutes in time out in the corner. He refused we told him he would stay there till he told us the truth. Then we started telling him every 5 minutes he doesn't tell the truth we take a present we were going to give him for Christmas away because we tried everything to get him to tell us. I think it upset us that we felt we came so far with him and yet he can look us straight in our face and lie. And he was convincing. If the teacher didn't call me I would have believed him. As Tim was calling Santa after we unwrapped 2 presents he wasn't getting from us he finally just started to cry and finally asked us how we knew. It was hard and felt hard for us to even believe him and that was only one of vary many issues we were dealing with. Bedtime every night became a nightmare. I hated bedtime. He would start fights just to fight. He would egg you on constantly and the talking back and not doing what he was told at all and doing the opposite are only a few of the lighter things he was doing.

Yeah all of a sudden he celebrated New Years with us and family and yes he stayed up the whole time and wanted to party longer he changed. He became the old Justin again. I mean the old Justin because he is a very loving and caring person and cares for others feeling and he does behave. He has an extreme amount of energy as the teacher describes that he is 5 kids in one but he for the most part is awesome. But like I said when he is bad it is horrible. For for 2 months which felt like 2 years of craziness he has finally calmed down and is his awesome self. Full steam ahead. This past week has been awesome and like we told him is he is in green all this week he would get 5 stars from us we would got to the monster truck show this weekend. So I hope and I think he will be in green and we would have another great day. I can't tell you what a happy that makes me. These days we enjoy his company and each other so much more. I feel like we went back to being a real family. Not like we weren't before but it is a happy one. One that it should be. It is not always going to be roses but at least if another outburst like that happens again I just how we are ready to be able to help he get through the hurdle a little fast then this time.

Happy time. Below is a picture of us at a friends house on New Year and some Christmas family pictures. Enjoy and Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas from our family to yours

Just wanted to with you all a Merry Christmas and if I don't write before and a Happy New Year. I have to admit it does feel good to have a son and have a our first Christmas as a family. Yes last year we were together but this year he is really ours and it feels great. Sure it has been rocky I can't deny that but I can't wait to celebrate Christmas and watch him open Santa's presents and know he is ours and this is our family. I know adoption is the path that is less chosen and I think because of the hard time. It is an up hill battle I am not going to lie but it is so worth it in the end. You have to be strong to do it and it takes a lot out of you. And it will always be with you. I couldn't be more happy in my life. I wish you all the best as well those who have also adopted this year and those who are on there path and those who are doing what is right for them right now I wish you all the best and hope more happiness to follow or to come next year.

Merry Christmas! Love Tim, Susie and Justin

In good times and in bad adoption

Yesterday we went to Christmas town in Frankenmuth. Since I moved to Michigan I couldn't wait to bring my child to experience it with us. We bundled up and headed out. We went to Bronners which is this big Christmas store that stays open all year and has nothing but Christmas stuff everywhere. Then we walked around the Christmas town going to to fudge shops seen below with my husband and Justin. It was cool. We got to watch horse and buggy and Justin just loved that. We ate at a little pizza place because the two big chicken places there that they are known for chicken were packed I mean packed. The wait was 2 to 2 hrs and 15 minutes long. We had so much fun and just was passed out sleeping on the way home. We asked if he had fun and he said yes but wasn't to fond of the walking. I have a ton more pictures but how many can you post.

We built a Gingerbread house yesterday morning before leaving for Frankenmuth. He loves to make these things. I thought it came out really well.
Now to what has been happening. We talked about the happy stuff now lets talk about the real stuff. I know in my last post which was a while ago I had mentioned about these 5 kids and someone responded asking me for information on them. I truthfully don't have any information. My friend told me about them on his adoption party and then I asked about them like 2 weeks ago and she said she will call her neighbor to find out. Never heard back then my friend called me on Friday to say she talked to her neighbor and her neighbor would talk to the lady who is fostering these kids and either give her my number or I will get her number. Well I was suppose to be getting a call back from my friend on Friday to tell me what happened but I didn't hear back so that is what happened with that.

Okay Justin has been going through some tuff times and it is getting hard for me. I don't know how to answer some things. He knows mostly everything but he keeps asking me questions. I don't know how much detail to go into at 6 years old. But he knows way above his age. My husband and I handle it differently. My husband is a little more selfish and tells me that Justin is going to break my heart because the first place he will go at 18 will be his birth moms home or as Justin calls her his old mom. I tell my husband that might be a wake up call for him to see and read about his profile and why he was in care and what happened and then see his birth mom. I don't know when he gets older but right now has no interest with birth dad. But I told Tim if he wanted me to go with him to see his birth mom I would. Even if it is hard because knowing what she did to him but I would do it for him and Tim totally disagrees.

Justin had made a comment after our bedtime reading when I told him do you know how much mom loves you and he said really slyly "but your not my real mom". I held it together and told him yes I am. I didn't have to give birth to you to be your real mom. I am raising you and you will be in our lives for the rest of your life. We are your parents and I am your mom. I also explained how hurtful he was and that wasn't nice. We have talked about this before and he knows. I know some of you will say well he is only 6 and he was just stating how he feels but you have to understand at the same token we have discussed this a bunch even with the counselor and he understands. He is a very bright 6 year old that is way beyond his years. He sometimes likes to get a rise or upset you almost like he is hurting so he wants to make others hurt. I can tell my the way he looked at me and said it he said it very slyly and had his smirk on after he said it. As you all know it hurt and hurt badly. I understand you shouldn't take it personally but he is my son and I have waited a very long time for this and love him more then anything and it hurts when I know he is trying to be hurtful so that is why I expressed that it was mean and hurtful to mom that you said that. I would never try to hurt him. My husband then came upstairs because I think he can hear that I was starting to cry and he came up. I can tell my husband was mad because he hates seeing me upset. He has seen me upset for way to long between my dad and the invetro and the roller coaster of adoption and we finally got what we wanted and the last thing my husband wanted was to see me cry. It was hard but my husband explained to him how this family works and stays by each other. Justin thinks he may be all alone again sometime because he thinks all adults go to jail. I tried to explain to him that would never ever happen in this family but I don't think he believed it. He think grandma and grandpa and his aunts and uncles and everyone would. We have been going to counseling but I don't know if it is working. I have mixed emotions. I don't want to go to a new counselor because he trusts them but I want him to progress and I don't feel like that is happening. He has know this counselor for over a year and change is hard for him.

I keep questioning if I want to adopt another older child. He wasn't that old Justin was 4 turning 5. I just think maybe I should put ages 0-3 on there instead of 0-7. You have to be really strong and thick skinned to be a foster adoptive parents to children over the age of 3. yes at 3 or 2 they would still have issues to deal with but they may not be as sever as a 4 or 5 year old. I know this is a sensitive subject but right now I am speaking out of emotion. I am torn do we adopt again do we make Justin an only child. I don't think I have that thick of skin. I am an emotional person who likes to love. I want to help other kids but sometimes I don't know if I can do all this again. We have come a long way but how long does this continue.

In the car on the way home from Frankenmuth he out of the blue asked if he will ever see his mom again and if she will always be in a place that she is in now for being bad. My husband said without me saying anything he said no you won't . I disagree with his response. I don't want him to think of Tim as a liar when he realizes when he gets bigger. I questioned in my head to say anything. This is all new to us and I felt like I have always been open and honest with him but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to cause a fight in the car or to have Tim feel like I under minded him in front of Justin. We got home so late last night that Tim and I haven't talked about it and now Justin is up so it will have to wait but how do you do this when you both don't agree. We agreed if we had a baby we would be open with the parents and have open communication but Tim feels in this situation he is taking it personally that after what they did to him it angers him and that he doesn't want him to ever have contact with them because how can you do that to a kid. I agree in my head I don't want him to want to contact them and I think any parent who adopts a child that is a bit older and the rights were taken away not voluntarily wouldn't want there child going back to them in fear that they might hurt there child or make them depressed which can lead to drugs and life long issues, or may make the child feel bad for them wanting there approval and which may lead to the child disappointment or the child being taken advantage of. I don't want this for him. But I feel being a good parents I have to suck it up and be there for him not his birth mom but to support him. My husband just feels there were bad things that happened because of them but Justin will find out either way that he can see them and may be mad at my husband for lying to him. I think Justin will need support but I don't want to have to pump my 6 year old that he can see his birth mom one day if he chooses to because I can see him working this against us. I know him and I think that would be like feeding a monster.

I think this discussion may have to happen with Justin in his teens. If he has question about them as he grows up I will tell him and show him but he is to young to hear all the details of his life and I don't want him to spiral out of control. I think we need to get him under control first before telling him any of this. For the most part he is doing great. This isn't happening all the time but these are the issues that have happened since I last blogged that I didn't think would get worse but get better. I can see what my husband is saying that he will break my heart because I already see it happening and I hope I can snag it in time.

I just know in the car he kept on insisting that he will always think of his old mom and never will forget or get her out of his mind. I told him that is fine. She is your birth mom and I understand that you will always have love for her and won't forget but what is not okay is thinking of bad things about them and then treating us, extended family or the teacher badly because of it. We are all here trying to help you not go against you or fight you and you need to work with us. We will talk about it with you and cry about it with you but you just can't keep taken it out on everyone and being mean and bad to everyone because then it gets you into trouble. You have to start thinking of happy things. I told him it is fine to think of her just think in a happy way not a bad way. He stated he can't and he will always think that way. It is hard for my husband and I because we are trying to raise him the right way so he is not involved with the law and drugs and that but if he continues as stubborn as he is this way I am afraid for him. These are the good time and bad. I don't know how else to address this sensitive subject without getting him upset or myself. I don't know how to bring it down to a 6 year old level and the counselor I don't think is doing it. I need to find a way.

He played the other day with a kid from his school that was also adopted to his parents at 4 years old but he never wants to see his old family as they did very bad things as well and rights were taken away and he remembers the bad things and won't except it and is very grateful to his parents. Just said mom I wish we can adopt him so I can play and talk and have fun with him. That little boy is the same age as Justin and seemed to help him. He kept asking again about a brother or sister to adopt. I don't know if it is just to play with or if it is just to have something in common with. I started thinking that after he played with that little boy. I told him he can play more with that little boy. Justin says mom you always say that and I have only played with him twice. See we live on field so there is no neighbors where the kids at his school all have neighbors so to the parents me calling is like them trying to work us in there schedule I feel like. I try to get them together but something is always going on and either we are busy or they are and it is hard to get us together. I told him I will try but there is only so much I can do. So of course Justin says just adopt. Right now I don't know what we are going to do we will see what comes to us. I did get a call on a 9 year old with 2 older sisters but we had to pass. To old and to many issues and I don't feel the 9 year old would even want to play with Justin nor are we questioning what age we would even want. We will see what good decides to give us baby or older. I guess I am just putting my heart out there. We will see what the future holds.

It is official HE IS OURS FOREVER!!! YEAH

We will start out with Halloween. This is us in his class for Halloween party I helped out. He was Dracula. Unfortunately he was sick that day so we went to the doctor and they said he had a sinus infection and the start of pink eye so we got him medicine right away to be better for Halloween. That is why he doesn't look so happy.This was Halloween. He was all better and ready to have a blast. Our first house was grandma and grandpa. He got a lot of candy and we went from 5 to 9 and it was fun I have is on video.
This was his 6th birthday 2 days after Halloween. I don't want to say anything negative because this was a joyous time but I don't want to make pretend that everything was perfect either for those who may think to foster to adopt. This is not to get anyone to steer away from fostering to adopt at all because it is a wonderful thing but with the ups of course comes the down and I want to be real because sometimes when you read blogs or hear people talk they sometimes want to make it as if it is such a perfect thing all the time that I sit back and say am I the only one going through this. The reason I bring this up was because for a week and a half before his finalization on November 5th to our family Justin acted up in such a way I have never ever seen before. He has had his moments but he just went to the end and just started to make me second guess if I can be a mom. I love him with all my heart but I felt almost like he was mad or didn't love us. Now I know he was just turning 6 and I know that is young and all he had gone through but it hurt and it hurt bad. He would snap on a dime and just be so mean and I mean he wouldn't listen and he is not normally like that at all. I know things had to be on his mind even though he would tell us they weren't. I can tell it was bitter sweat for him. I think from how I was asking questions he told me he would never want to go back to his old parents and he is going to live in our house forever and have his wife live here too he said (hahahah). But he gave us hell. When I said to go in a time out he wouldn't go I had to pick him up and carry him and he would be screaming, kicking and throwing a tantrum like a 3 year old. Then I get him in time out and he is mocking me and I tell him you better not step off that couch and what does he do jump off the couch and stare me down like what are you going to do about it. Then starts throwing things and going crazy. Although you see these smiles on his face especially on his birthday below that was the worst night and day and he went to bed crying to sleep. I felt horrible but how many warnings can you give. He was mean and rude to grandma, grandpa and us and very disrespectful we tried times outs while they were hear to see if he would improve but it just made him worse when he came back so unfortunately he went to bed crying but on a positive he I did try to give him a great day we went to any restaurant he wanted and we went to chuck e cheese and he had a blast and went to a party store to get stuff for his adoption party and he got little things as different stores we went to but there were a lot of warnings.
This is the birthday cake I made him for his birthday.FINALLY it is here. November 5th 2010 Justin is officially ours and the haven't seen a tantrum since. He is acting like his normal self with a little more love then before he loves to know he has our name and says it all the time and asks for family hugs and family time. It is really cute. This was on our adoption day. We are not saying gottcha day we leave that to October 5 th when he came into our home but it was adoption day for him and it was such a proud and happy moment but I have to admit it was very fast. It took like 7 minutes and that was it. But I am happy my in laws can come and celebrate with us it meant a lot. Yeah he is ours he is Justin Timothy
The next day November 6th was his adoption party. He had the time of his life. We had 82 people at our house we had a bounce house our trampoline, a pinyata and presents and lots of love. Hope you enjoy watching him have the time of his life as he enjoyed his party. I can't tell you enough that the day was awesome. There was so much love from people and so happy for him to be part of our family it was amazing. The only thing that was missing that I have to admit hurt was my mom not coming and being on board. Everyone was asking where she was and it hurt but all in all it was the best party. People gave me adoption plaques just for Tim and I and gave Justin a gift too. Someone gave a special picture frame that stated " you don't have to be born into a family to be a big part of one". Aww sweat. I also got a stepping stone that has our adoption invite picture that is one the cake below in a stepping stone that was beautiful that said Justin November 5 2010. It was just awesome. I hope you enjoy the pictures as much as I do.

It was so awesome. I have to laugh though because during this party I had one of my best girlfriends come up to me to tell me that her neighbor saw the adoption invitation didn't know that we adopted him and that she thought we had him and said that her friend fosters there 5 kids that are siblings and need a home and that even if I can adopt 2 that would help tremendously and that we of course would have to co mite to seeing the other siblings. Of course I would love to know the others would be adopted by someone too because I hate to separate sibling but I guess no one was willing to take all 5 and now they are trying to split them up. I would love to if I knew they others were adopted and I knew by who and would love if they were like us and wanted to see them see each other every opportunity they got because I feel that is important. She said she will tell me more details. You never know what can happen. I have actually put that on the back burner for a little while while we just wanted it to be official before we jumped into something else because a lot has been going on with work and Justin and Halloween, his birthday, adoption day and the party and the issues Justin was having we have scrapped the idea for more kids till everything became official. We laughed because of course it came up the day after Justin's adoption and that night after everyone left Justin's party he had no idea that my friend brought this up but he said "mom can we adopt a brother and a sister. I had so much fun playing with all these kids I think it would be so much fun to have a brother and a sister. I explained to him that there is a possibility but that he would have to understand he has to share everything with them what is his is there's and if it was one brother and 1 sister that the brother would have to share a room but then he was excited and said that would be cool then dad will buy us bunk bed." Then I asked him why a sister he said " because I can help take care of here and help. I thought this was ironic. He actually looks forward to having other kids in the home. Then he explained he had a lot of cousins he played with when he was with his old mom. So I guess he does really mean it. Well one chapter has closed and another one is just beginning and we will see where our journey takes us now. For now we are 3 strong. And we are so happy together. We are just having a blast. So we have had our ups and downs but experiencing where we are at now I am so happy I hung on for the ride. It was a roller coaster but I am on cloud nine right now. Can't explain this feeling but typing this tears fill my eyes with happiness. Until next time our journey has just begun. Yeah he is our forever!!!

Our court date for adoption is here yeah!!!!

I am sorry it has been so long. So much has been going on I have had no time even for myself. Lets start out by saying my sister in laws wedding September 18th was awesome. Justin had blast. I actually meet someone from my blog. I meet Rebekkah from "Heart Cries" and I knew she lived not that far from me but what are the chances she would be at my sister in laws wedding. Well I guess pretty good. We were in the bathroom I was fixing my hair and she was washing her hands and I looked right at her like I knew her just not sure where from then it hit me my blog. I have been following her blog ever since she went to pick up her sweet Ty. It was awesome. We talked so much. She actually is looking into fostering to adopt now and it was great. I beat some of you are thinking how was she at the wedding but her husband works with my brother in law. Any way we had an awesome time.

We were kind of down because we were hoping we would have got the answer about the appeal before the wedding so we can cut loose and just relax because you can feel everyone had a little tension. You know how things go the adoption worker and the social worker both said you will find out between 2 day to a week. Well the appeal date for them to go over the case was September 15. The wedding was the 18th. So we were squirming but I didn't let my sister or brother in law see at all. I was the made of honor so I had a job to do. I did dance the night away I tried the best I could to push the appeal to the back of my head but it was so hard watching everyone enjoy Justin and have such a good time it would have been awesome to announce that Justin is ours.

Any way 2 weeks went by with no answer. I had my mother in law asking and my sister in law in Fiji calling to see if we heard. It was kind of scaring me because you would think if you got good news it would come kind of quick but if they were going against the appeal it would be longer to know. So I was freaking my self out. We checked the court of appeals website no joke 5-7 times a day to get an answer. Finally I broker down on September 30 crying that I just want this all to be over and I am so sick of this I wish my dad was here. I started really missing my dad. I wanted his support he always had for me. My mom by the way didn't even ask any time she was on the phone about Justin or even if there was an appeal so she just didn't ask anything. So that night I prayed and prayed to my dad to please get me through this we love this little guy so much I can't imagine my life without him. I checked the computer one last time to see if anything was posted and nothing.

I woke up the next day and said today is going to be a good day. I was going to work and leaving work early to help in Justin's class room for apple day. Before I left for work that day I decided not to look on the computer as to not be upset or turn the day because I did enough of that the day before. I was at work and I got a call from the adoption worker that the appeal was denied and Justin was ours and we can now process to adopt him. She called October 1. I was so excited I was crying at work (luckily I was leaving early) and just so emotional I couldn't even work. I call Tim and he was over the moon to. I e-mail everyone at work I had a lot of work friends crying. It was just awesome. So then I went to Justin's school and I debated with Tim weather to tell him or wait till after school because I didn't know how he would react. I knew that he would have mixed feeling excited to be ours but kind of down that it is all over and he for sure would never see his parents again. He must have picked it up when I was there because he kept asking what happened mom. I kept telling him I will tell you when we get home but we will go out to dinner where ever you wanted that night. So finally I told him because he just wouldn't stop hounding me and I was excited to. He was so excited. He jumped in my arms and just kept hugging me and telling me I love you mommy. He had never called me mommy. He always just calls me mom. He didn't want to let go of me. I also didn't want to let go of him but he was at school and the parents that helped had to leave. I also had a lot of errands to run. We went out to eat that night with grandma and grandpa too. It was a memorable day one I will never forget October 1.

Then I was told by the social worker and adoption worker that we will have a court day in two weeks. Well the social worker mailed everything to the court on October 1 and we waited and waited. They told us it would either be October 22 or 29. So my mother in law and me bought all these Halloween themed stuff. The reason the date was so important to me is because we wanted to do his adoption party the Saturday after his adoption in court. I also didn't want it to be to cold outside as I was hoping to rent a bouncer for the kids and all. Well we got the call this past Thursday finally on October 14 which is 2 weeks from when we found out that the date was for November 19th (and no this isn't adoption day). So I was questioning why so long. Why do we have to wait another month or actually over a month for a court day when they have court dates open in 2 weeks. I am just rushing this because I want it to be finial. I know in my heart he is ours I just don't want some things to happen in that time so I just want it all to happen and be final. So I when I called the adoption worker she said she is already talking to them to see what was up. She told me yesterday that in the case of an appeal they can't do anything for 28 days because I didn't understand this part but I guess if birth dad wanted to appeal again for it to go higher he can. Come on. He hasn't seen his son in over a year and Justin is scared to death of him. I just want him to please just go away. So the good news is the court moved the date to NOVEMBER 5 so the party will be the 6th. I told my husband about this appeal thing and I am sorry if people disagree but they give patents way to many rights. And if I could tell you everything that happened Justin should have been out of there at birth. But the system is the system without going into detail I just can't believe he can appeal this again. SO please pray smooth sailing from here on out. November 5th can't come quick enough but yeah.

During this court date waiting time our "Gotcha Day" was October the 5th. He had him one year that day. Again he was able to pick where he wanted to go to eat and he was able to pick up any toy he wanted ( by the way he picked a $6 cowboy gun set). We had ice cream and movie night at our house with our pj's on and the blankets on the couch it was awesome that one year ago he came into our lives to change them for the better forever. I am currently making him a scrapbook I am hoping to finish before his adoption party and I had an idea on the last page to put a picture of all 3 of us on a white paper and have everyone that came to the party to sign it as all these people are rooting for you and supporting you and loving you. I thought that would be a good idea and like I told him when he is older he can keep it and remember how much we love him and support him. Because when he is a teen he will probably for get all these little times and maybe start having questions about his old parents as he is already starting to forget things about them.

Also Justin's birthday is coming the first week in November too he will be 6. Sorry this is so long but I haven't been on in a long time and had to catch you all up. I also might be getting raise and a change in positions. I took my CPC (certified professional coder) test to be certified which is a hard test and it is 5hr 30 minutes long and you have a minute and a half per question and I passed that in June. So I wanted a certified coding job. Well I have been looking at job and been on interviews and actually got 2 job offerings but turned them down for what was being offered and my big company actually told us in the meeting this week they are going to the big boss to get a coding job approved and then will hire for a certified coder. I talked to my manager who said she knew that was going to spark an interest to me and the position is extremely challenging but if I am up for it she defiantly would like me to have the position but it has to get approved first and she said she doesn't see an issue with that. So yeah. Things seem to be on an up swing now. I finally feel I am getting my life in order. The is the best feeling I have had in a long time and I just am praying the 28 days goes by with no appeals and no more stress. yeah.

Anyway I have to get going I promise the Justin's school that we would be there this morning at 9 am on a Saturday (uggh) to help clean and maintain the outside of the school. I want to show Justin you have to help out your community and if you don't do it no one will and it makes your school look nicer and it is a good thing to do and you feel good doing it at the end of the day. Until then here is some pictures I will leave you with I know he has grown so much. :)

September 15

So September 15 is the appeal hearing in Lansing and I couldn't be more excited. I don't know if we will hear that day as they put the decision on the appeals website then send a letter out a week later and you know I can't wait that long for a letter. So we just have to wait.

Today is my sister in laws bachlorette party and next week is the wedding were just will get to be a ring barrier. Very exciting for him. We have been keeping busy lately and try to get on more now that Justin is at school. He seems to have been having angry outburst lately I am not sure if that is because he just start school this week or that the adoption is almost done or maybe both but we have been going through a crazy roller coaster lately.

I totally don't mean to be negative but I have to get this off my chest so I can have a good time to night and not thing about this. I wish my dad were here. My mom makes me so mad. She won't say it but I know when we decided we were going to adopt I know she really wasn't on board with the idea. She is a very close minded person which is sad. I know Tim's parents were not sure about it but like I thought when we had a child they would fall in love and that would all go away. Well that totally happened with Tim's family. They adore him and will do absolutely anything for him and see him as our child. My mom DIFFERENT STORY. She makes me mad bad because she is so ignorant. Everyone that comes in contact with Justin loves him because he is loving and very out going and a funny engaging kid. My mom thinks he is a great kid and smiles and laughed the last time she saw him which by the way was when we went to Florida in February. But she never really sees him as ours and that makes me mad. When she calls she never ever asks to talk to him or asks how he is doing. I would think as a new grandma and your only grandchild that she would want to come out and visit at least even to visit us. The last time she has been out here is July 2007 right after my dad died. She hasn't been out here since and the only time she seer's us is when we go out there every year and she makes me feel bad to visit Tim's parents when they go out there for 3 month because I don't get to see her and I should spend all my time with here and she can give a crap about me or my family which makes me mad because now as a mom I don't understand it. I still hold a grudge that she never came out here to see Justin when he first came to our home. Ok so now this is why I bring her up because I told her that the appeal is on Sept 15 (which she didn't ask I just told her) and that the adoption lady thinks that it will take 2 weeks to get a finalize with the court and then we would possibly have an adoption party for Justin in October some time. She told me that is good. I asked are you going to come. Which then was awkward silence and then with work and my new husband's work and everything I don't think so. I wouldn't count on it. Then I asked if she would even consider it that it would mean a alot to Justin and she said she promise she will send a card and a gift so he knows they are thinking of him. I wanted to scream it is not about the money. Any time she didn't come out here before Justin she would always send money in a card and stuff and what she doesn't understand as many times as you tell her is it is not about the money it is about you showing your support.

I bring this up because I really wanted her to love Justin and accept him as ours but I can't force her. I really don't know if I want her in my life any more if she can't show an effort. I make and effort every time and she doesn't' do a thing. We are two totally different people and if you have been following my blog for a while you know we don't have the best relationships and that my dad and I were close and after his passing I have felt alone when it comes to my family. Luckily I have Tim's wonderful family but I wanted to share mine with Justin. I think what makes me want to sever ties is that if she wants to crap on Tim or myself fine I will let that fly but not Justin. I won't let her treat Justin that way. He has been through enough not to have a grandma be like that. He calls my mom "mom's mom". That is how he knows her. I don't ask him even to call her grandma even though he knows she is because she has never made an effort. I am really opening this up but any thought? I am sick of her crap and what she puts the family through. She likes to call when she needs something but if your mom wants to not be there for your son who is an awesome kid and has always showed Tim and I in the past that she just doesn't care and I have wanted to sever ties for a long time but with my dad's sickness I didn't want my dad to feel the stress and then I kept her in our lives for Justin to have another grandma. She is just not there. I am at the end of my rope and he not wanting to go to his adoption party with no good excuse feels like this is the issue that broke the camels back. I am just beyond upset and mad and want some input on what you would do or what you think I should do. I feel very hurt but at the same time I am moving that to the back of my head because I am busy with the bachlorette party today the wedding next Saturday and Justin's appeal I just want to be int he moment with all these things with out her bringing me down as she has done so many times in the past. Thank you. On a positive note I have to get ready but I will talk to you all soon and have a great weekend. :)

I turn 29 today

Yeah I am turning 29 today. For five birthday's I would blow out my candles and make a wish for a child to come into our lives. Finally it is here. I don't need to wish for that anymore and now thinking about tonight and what to wish for when I blow out my candles. I have all I have been hoping for. I know we would like other children but that is not a priority nor do I need to wish for that. I will wish for a happy and healthy family where ever it may lead us. I joked with Tim this morning that this will be my last birthday for a few years that I will stay 29 forever. Haaa I was just kidding. My husband is 32 and has been complaining lately how things are starting to hurt like his knee's and lower back and he keeps saying he is getting old so I had to tell him he was old and I will never be that old joking with him. I can't wait to see what this year of my life brings me.

Yesterday Justin was fitted for his tux for my sister in laws wedding. He looked so cute. Justin is the ring barrier and Tim and I are the best man and maid of honor. That will be on the 18th September and we find out hopefully about Justin's appeal in September 15 court. I am thinking maybe to have Justin's adoption part in October and make it a fall or Halloween decor maybe rent a moonwalk for the kids, bob for apples, get some pumpkins and Tim said he would get some straw for the kids to play or run up on. I am just thinking of ideas. They say after the appeal it takes about 2-3 weeks to get a court date to make it final so we will see what happens but I am a planner and it helps keep my mind off of constantly thinking about the appeal.

Today for my birthday Justin just woke up and Tim is at work. Oh by the way school doesn't start for our kids till after labor day so he is still on summer break. I think tonight Tim said we were going to dinner as a family which I love where ever I want then Tim got my favorite, ice cream cake. Yeah. Tomorrow at work they celebrate my birthday and my wonderful mother in law is making me what ever dinner I like her to make after I come home from my 12 hour day of work. Isn't that nice of her. She is awesome. So it will be a nice birthday . I think Justin and I will do some arts and crafts today. Alright Justin is hungry and want breakfast so I have to go but talk to you all soon.

Crazy weekend

So I had got a voice mail last Thursday by Justin's social worker asking us to take 2 kids for a weekend and do a favor for DHS. Se left the message at 6pm and I didn't get it till 8 so when I got it all I can think about is those poor kids where are they now because I didn't get to my phone and DHS had no one to take these kids and I had to be there last resort because they know I only want to take in kids that are either terminated or they may be terminated with there birth parents because I get to attached. Well when I told my husband about it he said absolutely not unless there was a chance to adopt. I called on Friday morning to find out more and no they were not adoptable but they needed a home because they home they were in was already full and the kids shouldn't have been there but they had no where for them. It was a 3 year old and a one year old siblings.

I thought to myself well this would be a test whether Justin really wants siblings or not and it will show me if I can take on 3 kids. Usually people have one kids at a time to adjust to 3 but we were just going to go from none to one to 3.

So I did say yes and my husband didn't agree and said do what ever makes me happy. So we went up north with them since DHS said it would be ok. It was a little overwhelming at first because you don't know the kids or temperament and they are scared of you at the same time. They have moved from a total of 5 homes in the past at there young age which I think that is crazy how many chances are you going to give these kids mother. I felt bad for them.

Justin decided he doesn't want to be the youngest as he has said in the past he wants to be the oldest. He loved helping out. He would get me the diapers and whips for to change the little one. He would help the little one on the couch and play all the time with the 3 year old. He loved it.

So Monday came and the kids social worker called and said would we be willing to take the kids for 2 more weeks maybe 3 then it went to the most 4. Ok now they are playing me. I said I was willing to do a favor and I would hate to have these kids go to another home but it is not fare to me or my family. I told her you said you needed a favor I help up my end of the deal and now I have to feel guilty. I told her she made us believe it was only a weekend. She started to explain the place the kids came from she was hoping would be approved to take more kids but was denied she was at capacity. They also have a relative to the kids that was interested but she has to investigate. She then said the most 2 weeks you would keep them and she kept giving me the guilt trip. I called my husband crying and my mother in law asking for advise and like they said if there is no chance with these kids there is no use for our entire family to get attached because to tell you the truth we all were attached to those kids when they left. They were so cute and good kids. Justin kept crying begging me if we can keep them and they can be his brother and sister. I had to explain to him that I was sorry but we were only babysitting just like I said the first day.

He got sad and said but I will never see them or play with them again. I explained I knew and it was ok to be sad and cry because I was sad too. I called the social worker and told her no. It was hard I was crying and then I thought this is why I don't just foster because these kids were only with me a weekend and I was crying imagine a year or something and then giving them back. I was sad but I felt like it was the best move for our family. Everyone had to be on board. So then I got a call back that they decided to take the kids to the relatives and continue to investigate the relative and that made me feel so much better because then it is family and someone they know not just another stranger. So that was my crazy weekend. Hopefully we get a call on some kids for our family and Justin.

Speaking about Justin we found out the appeal court date is September 15 and the social worker said with her experience we should have an answer that day so pray that everything goes well and just is official terminated so we can get a court date. The social worker would like us to hold out on the adoption till adoption day in November but our family wants it as soon as possible to put all of this past us. As it is once we adopt him he would have been here a year. That to me is a long time seeing how parents were termed in January. The adoption worker says that it takes about 2 weeks to get a court date so that would be end of September beginning of October I pray that September 15 comes in a hurry.