Yeah I am turning 29 today. For five birthday's I would blow out my candles and make a wish for a child to come into our lives. Finally it is here. I don't need to wish for that anymore and now thinking about tonight and what to wish for when I blow out my candles. I have all I have been hoping for. I know we would like other children but that is not a priority nor do I need to wish for that. I will wish for a happy and healthy family where ever it may lead us. I joked with Tim this morning that this will be my last birthday for a few years that I will stay 29 forever. Haaa I was just kidding. My husband is 32 and has been complaining lately how things are starting to hurt like his knee's and lower back and he keeps saying he is getting old so I had to tell him he was old and I will never be that old joking with him. I can't wait to see what this year of my life brings me.
Yesterday Justin was fitted for his tux for my sister in laws wedding. He looked so cute. Justin is the ring barrier and Tim and I are the best man and maid of honor. That will be on the 18th September and we find out hopefully about Justin's appeal in September 15 court. I am thinking maybe to have Justin's adoption part in October and make it a fall or Halloween decor maybe rent a moonwalk for the kids, bob for apples, get some pumpkins and Tim said he would get some straw for the kids to play or run up on. I am just thinking of ideas. They say after the appeal it takes about 2-3 weeks to get a court date to make it final so we will see what happens but I am a planner and it helps keep my mind off of constantly thinking about the appeal.
Today for my birthday Justin just woke up and Tim is at work. Oh by the way school doesn't start for our kids till after labor day so he is still on summer break. I think tonight Tim said we were going to dinner as a family which I love where ever I want then Tim got my favorite, ice cream cake. Yeah. Tomorrow at work they celebrate my birthday and my wonderful mother in law is making me what ever dinner I like her to make after I come home from my 12 hour day of work. Isn't that nice of her. She is awesome. So it will be a nice birthday . I think Justin and I will do some arts and crafts today. Alright Justin is hungry and want breakfast so I have to go but talk to you all soon.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Crazy weekend
So I had got a voice mail last Thursday by Justin's social worker asking us to take 2 kids for a weekend and do a favor for DHS. Se left the message at 6pm and I didn't get it till 8 so when I got it all I can think about is those poor kids where are they now because I didn't get to my phone and DHS had no one to take these kids and I had to be there last resort because they know I only want to take in kids that are either terminated or they may be terminated with there birth parents because I get to attached. Well when I told my husband about it he said absolutely not unless there was a chance to adopt. I called on Friday morning to find out more and no they were not adoptable but they needed a home because they home they were in was already full and the kids shouldn't have been there but they had no where for them. It was a 3 year old and a one year old siblings.
I thought to myself well this would be a test whether Justin really wants siblings or not and it will show me if I can take on 3 kids. Usually people have one kids at a time to adjust to 3 but we were just going to go from none to one to 3.
So I did say yes and my husband didn't agree and said do what ever makes me happy. So we went up north with them since DHS said it would be ok. It was a little overwhelming at first because you don't know the kids or temperament and they are scared of you at the same time. They have moved from a total of 5 homes in the past at there young age which I think that is crazy how many chances are you going to give these kids mother. I felt bad for them.
Justin decided he doesn't want to be the youngest as he has said in the past he wants to be the oldest. He loved helping out. He would get me the diapers and whips for to change the little one. He would help the little one on the couch and play all the time with the 3 year old. He loved it.
So Monday came and the kids social worker called and said would we be willing to take the kids for 2 more weeks maybe 3 then it went to the most 4. Ok now they are playing me. I said I was willing to do a favor and I would hate to have these kids go to another home but it is not fare to me or my family. I told her you said you needed a favor I help up my end of the deal and now I have to feel guilty. I told her she made us believe it was only a weekend. She started to explain the place the kids came from she was hoping would be approved to take more kids but was denied she was at capacity. They also have a relative to the kids that was interested but she has to investigate. She then said the most 2 weeks you would keep them and she kept giving me the guilt trip. I called my husband crying and my mother in law asking for advise and like they said if there is no chance with these kids there is no use for our entire family to get attached because to tell you the truth we all were attached to those kids when they left. They were so cute and good kids. Justin kept crying begging me if we can keep them and they can be his brother and sister. I had to explain to him that I was sorry but we were only babysitting just like I said the first day.
He got sad and said but I will never see them or play with them again. I explained I knew and it was ok to be sad and cry because I was sad too. I called the social worker and told her no. It was hard I was crying and then I thought this is why I don't just foster because these kids were only with me a weekend and I was crying imagine a year or something and then giving them back. I was sad but I felt like it was the best move for our family. Everyone had to be on board. So then I got a call back that they decided to take the kids to the relatives and continue to investigate the relative and that made me feel so much better because then it is family and someone they know not just another stranger. So that was my crazy weekend. Hopefully we get a call on some kids for our family and Justin.
Speaking about Justin we found out the appeal court date is September 15 and the social worker said with her experience we should have an answer that day so pray that everything goes well and just is official terminated so we can get a court date. The social worker would like us to hold out on the adoption till adoption day in November but our family wants it as soon as possible to put all of this past us. As it is once we adopt him he would have been here a year. That to me is a long time seeing how parents were termed in January. The adoption worker says that it takes about 2 weeks to get a court date so that would be end of September beginning of October I pray that September 15 comes in a hurry.
I thought to myself well this would be a test whether Justin really wants siblings or not and it will show me if I can take on 3 kids. Usually people have one kids at a time to adjust to 3 but we were just going to go from none to one to 3.
So I did say yes and my husband didn't agree and said do what ever makes me happy. So we went up north with them since DHS said it would be ok. It was a little overwhelming at first because you don't know the kids or temperament and they are scared of you at the same time. They have moved from a total of 5 homes in the past at there young age which I think that is crazy how many chances are you going to give these kids mother. I felt bad for them.
Justin decided he doesn't want to be the youngest as he has said in the past he wants to be the oldest. He loved helping out. He would get me the diapers and whips for to change the little one. He would help the little one on the couch and play all the time with the 3 year old. He loved it.
So Monday came and the kids social worker called and said would we be willing to take the kids for 2 more weeks maybe 3 then it went to the most 4. Ok now they are playing me. I said I was willing to do a favor and I would hate to have these kids go to another home but it is not fare to me or my family. I told her you said you needed a favor I help up my end of the deal and now I have to feel guilty. I told her she made us believe it was only a weekend. She started to explain the place the kids came from she was hoping would be approved to take more kids but was denied she was at capacity. They also have a relative to the kids that was interested but she has to investigate. She then said the most 2 weeks you would keep them and she kept giving me the guilt trip. I called my husband crying and my mother in law asking for advise and like they said if there is no chance with these kids there is no use for our entire family to get attached because to tell you the truth we all were attached to those kids when they left. They were so cute and good kids. Justin kept crying begging me if we can keep them and they can be his brother and sister. I had to explain to him that I was sorry but we were only babysitting just like I said the first day.
He got sad and said but I will never see them or play with them again. I explained I knew and it was ok to be sad and cry because I was sad too. I called the social worker and told her no. It was hard I was crying and then I thought this is why I don't just foster because these kids were only with me a weekend and I was crying imagine a year or something and then giving them back. I was sad but I felt like it was the best move for our family. Everyone had to be on board. So then I got a call back that they decided to take the kids to the relatives and continue to investigate the relative and that made me feel so much better because then it is family and someone they know not just another stranger. So that was my crazy weekend. Hopefully we get a call on some kids for our family and Justin.
Speaking about Justin we found out the appeal court date is September 15 and the social worker said with her experience we should have an answer that day so pray that everything goes well and just is official terminated so we can get a court date. The social worker would like us to hold out on the adoption till adoption day in November but our family wants it as soon as possible to put all of this past us. As it is once we adopt him he would have been here a year. That to me is a long time seeing how parents were termed in January. The adoption worker says that it takes about 2 weeks to get a court date so that would be end of September beginning of October I pray that September 15 comes in a hurry.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Was on vacation
Hi everyone. I know it has been a while. Things have just been hectic. Well we haven't heard about the appeal yet. Bummer I was hoping we would get news on our vacation. We went up north on vacation I am at lunch at work right now but I will try to post pictures. We had a great week. Justin has been doing better. He hasn't been hitting as much but Tim stated to him that if he talks back or is fresh he will wash his mouth out with soap and guess what this little boy does? He says well can you give me soak right now with some water so I can try it first before you give me the punishment. We meant to scare him and he wanted to try. We told him no and he kept on insisting and so my husband gave him the soap and he put it in his own mouth and then was trying to get the taste out of his mouth and he said he will make sure he will behave because he doesn't want that to happen again and he took some Listerine. I was socked. He has been good since. We were having issues for about 3 weeks and it was hard. We do have our ups and down but he has been great. We got back from vacation on Saturday and then had to tell Justin he was having his eye surgery on Monday. In the meantime on Sunday I started to come down with this sinus infection and then didn't sleep that night thinking about our little boy in surgery and had no sleep and I think it took a toll on my body because it is my first day back at work and I feel like a mack truck hit me.
The surgery went good. He did have a lot of vomiting after for like 3-4 hours but was better after he started waking up but we were there all day. We got there at 8:30 procedure was at 10:00 and we didn't leave till 3:30 and got home at 4. Tiring no eating and feeling sick and was upset and stress about Justin. I am so proud of him. He was such a trooper though. We don't know what the eye looks like yet until my mother in law takes him to the doctors at 1:30 to get bandages off so we will know more then. hope all is well and no more surgeries for him. Other then that I am a lot better besides sleep and this sinus at least that stress of surgery is gone and makes me feel so much better inside. Have to work though today for 12 hours uggghh. Oh well at least I had some time off. I will try to keep you posted. It is just hard when he is off of school to get on and type so I choose to do it at work today. Talk to you all soon and hope all is well with all of you. :)
The surgery went good. He did have a lot of vomiting after for like 3-4 hours but was better after he started waking up but we were there all day. We got there at 8:30 procedure was at 10:00 and we didn't leave till 3:30 and got home at 4. Tiring no eating and feeling sick and was upset and stress about Justin. I am so proud of him. He was such a trooper though. We don't know what the eye looks like yet until my mother in law takes him to the doctors at 1:30 to get bandages off so we will know more then. hope all is well and no more surgeries for him. Other then that I am a lot better besides sleep and this sinus at least that stress of surgery is gone and makes me feel so much better inside. Have to work though today for 12 hours uggghh. Oh well at least I had some time off. I will try to keep you posted. It is just hard when he is off of school to get on and type so I choose to do it at work today. Talk to you all soon and hope all is well with all of you. :)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
I am done with the hitting
The past week Justin has started the hitting thing. I would tell him he hurt my feelings by what he did or say or I would tell him he can't have something or the other day I actually said to him can I rewind this because I missed what hap pend and he thought I said change the program and he just comes flying up and me and swing and pinching with this really mean and angry face. This happened when he first came here and it continue till about February but I think once we earned his respect and I would say that was in March when he started calling us mom and dad that hitting went away. We still had the outbursts like the crying or throwing but the physical violence was gone. We have gone over this a number of times that we DO NOT allow any physical abuse (hitting, kicking pinching, biting, anything causing serious harm to another) in this house he knows the rules and if those rules are broken he goes up in his room for time out and we take stuff away like his golf stuff he loves to play with or something.
The usual punishment (like talking back, throwing something, not listening, saying something he knows he should not be saying or doing) he gets a time out on the couch and losses a star. We have a star system when he is good and helpful and just has a good day we give him a star and 5 stars he gets a prize on top of the fridge. If he is bad he gets them taken away and if he continues to be bad in punishment he continues to get more time added in 5 minute increments to his already time sometimes depending on how severe another star gets taken away.
Today he started hitting me and I didn't say a word like I usually do an get all upset I just grabbed his hand and walked him up the stairs and he was vishous. Grabbing the spindles of the stairs while screaming and kicking and pinching and biting. The started being disrespectful to me in a really mean way calling me stupid and I don't think and telling me he hates me and I don't know anything after I fought with all my might to keep him in my arms I threw him on the bed and as I went to walk away to close the door he jumped and lunged at me he had a handful of hair and was trying to punch my butt/lower back. I got so enraged I had to stop myself before I lost myself. I think I just got to enraged between the pain because I know he is 5 but my back hurt and my head he took a clump out and then I think the fear of him startled me so much I felt like he needed to know who was boss. What happens when he gets bigger and is stronger then me this needs to stop now.
After 10 minutes in his room and I called Tim because I needed him to calm me down because I was shacking and tearing up I finally went back up to face him and he was acting like an angel. He does this. It is like 2 different people. He was a monster then I go in there it is like it never happened. Believe me I didn't let him get away with it but we had a long talk. This has to stop. I don't know what brought it on this week but when he is good he is very very good and when he is bad he is horrible. Tim and I just talked and decided he can get his golf clubs back that I took away 2 days earlier for hitting but NO TV for a week. We told him that he must be learning this from violent shows and that he can't watch TV now. Don't get the wrong idea he doesn't watch TV a lot and we know what he is watching and some I don't approve of but he watched it in the past and it is on the N*CK channel. The Sponge B*b and I C*^ly and watches Max and R**y and Sc**by D**. These are the programs I am talking about nothing violent I just wanted you to get the idea of what I am doing and working with. We watched the R*ad R*nner when we were young and I know I wasn't violent. I just have had enough and Tim is worst then me right now he is so mad. He wants to take more away and he says I am sick of this. It gets hard I just need to vent and feel better. I am trying to be my best as a first time mother and have a 5 year old that came from another family and I have to correct or reverse stuff. It is very hard. Keep smiling I tell myself. :)
The usual punishment (like talking back, throwing something, not listening, saying something he knows he should not be saying or doing) he gets a time out on the couch and losses a star. We have a star system when he is good and helpful and just has a good day we give him a star and 5 stars he gets a prize on top of the fridge. If he is bad he gets them taken away and if he continues to be bad in punishment he continues to get more time added in 5 minute increments to his already time sometimes depending on how severe another star gets taken away.
Today he started hitting me and I didn't say a word like I usually do an get all upset I just grabbed his hand and walked him up the stairs and he was vishous. Grabbing the spindles of the stairs while screaming and kicking and pinching and biting. The started being disrespectful to me in a really mean way calling me stupid and I don't think and telling me he hates me and I don't know anything after I fought with all my might to keep him in my arms I threw him on the bed and as I went to walk away to close the door he jumped and lunged at me he had a handful of hair and was trying to punch my butt/lower back. I got so enraged I had to stop myself before I lost myself. I think I just got to enraged between the pain because I know he is 5 but my back hurt and my head he took a clump out and then I think the fear of him startled me so much I felt like he needed to know who was boss. What happens when he gets bigger and is stronger then me this needs to stop now.
After 10 minutes in his room and I called Tim because I needed him to calm me down because I was shacking and tearing up I finally went back up to face him and he was acting like an angel. He does this. It is like 2 different people. He was a monster then I go in there it is like it never happened. Believe me I didn't let him get away with it but we had a long talk. This has to stop. I don't know what brought it on this week but when he is good he is very very good and when he is bad he is horrible. Tim and I just talked and decided he can get his golf clubs back that I took away 2 days earlier for hitting but NO TV for a week. We told him that he must be learning this from violent shows and that he can't watch TV now. Don't get the wrong idea he doesn't watch TV a lot and we know what he is watching and some I don't approve of but he watched it in the past and it is on the N*CK channel. The Sponge B*b and I C*^ly and watches Max and R**y and Sc**by D**. These are the programs I am talking about nothing violent I just wanted you to get the idea of what I am doing and working with. We watched the R*ad R*nner when we were young and I know I wasn't violent. I just have had enough and Tim is worst then me right now he is so mad. He wants to take more away and he says I am sick of this. It gets hard I just need to vent and feel better. I am trying to be my best as a first time mother and have a 5 year old that came from another family and I have to correct or reverse stuff. It is very hard. Keep smiling I tell myself. :)
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Any Idea's, Advice please help!
I am sorry but I am getting very impatient about this long wait with this appeal. I feel they made the decision to terminate right with in 2 weeks of the trial and now birth dad does an appeal 2 weeks later and we are still waiting. Terminated 1/13/10 and appealed 2/8/10. We are now in July and school is coming in September. We were first told by Justin's social work a few weeks then 2-3 months then if might take is little longer but we should hear something in July. I received the permanency planning hearing information from his social worker from 6/1/10. I states parents terminated 1/13/10 but then states word for word
" the primary barrier to adoption is hat birth father on 2/8/10, filed an appeal again termination of parental right decision. The appeal process is still pending which will delay the adoption until a decision is made. The anticipated adoption date is July 2010."
Then I got an e-mail yesterday from our adoption worker stating that she had good new and not so good news. Good news was that we were approved for the adoption through the state and we have consent (what ever that means) as of 7/7/10. She says on there end they are all ready to go ahead once they hear the appeal is finalized we can get a court date. The not so good news she put was that she talked to the attorney general (I don't know who this is) but she said that it may be a few more months because of later paper work on behalf of birth dad's lawyer.
I don't understand this because I don't know how this process work. I don't understand they said if things come in late they don't take them. The extension came in late and they threw that out and wouldn't take it. I just don't want him to freak when we go to kindergarten with a different name and he has been asking "mom when am I going to be your last name and when am I going to have my adoption party". This is tuff because it is tuff for me to wait anymore but for him it is agonizing. We worked so hard to get him to this point of comfortablility and the system is failing again. It is crazy how it takes 2 weeks to make a decision to terminate but an appeal we are going on 5 1/2 months. How much longer to wait.
I told you that I would do absolutely anything for him and I did send a letter to the judge but unfortunately I got it sent back to me with a letter stating:
"The court must return your letter addressed to Judge ----- for the reason that it would be improper for the judge to read anything not presented as evidence in court. While we appreciate the fact you tried to let him know about a concern you had, the judge will not be able to consider your letter.
Please understand the limitations imposed on judge by law. The rules are meant to preserve the equality of justice, which is so important to our system of laws."
In the letter to the judge I wasn't trying to make him terminated there right just explained my concern with school and if he could look over the paper work so he can move on with his life and close this chapter.
What else can I do. Any one go through this? Anyone know how long on average appeals take? What more can I do? Can I go up higher to get this resolved or to bring attention or awareness not just for Justin but for other kids going through the same thing? Who do you go to? I want to make a difference and no child should have to feel and comfortable as he is with me that he might not stay here forever and doesn't have solid ground to stand on the longer they make a child wait. I just need some advice or ideas or what else I can do? I have sat on my hand this whole time and I feel like I have been waiting forever. I just wish this could be final already. I can't tell you how many times people ask me when is it final. It makes me mad to say I have no idea because I am sick of saying by the end of the summer. I have really tried hard to be positive which I was doing until yesterday's e-mail from the adoption worker. I even put up a sign on my fridge that appeal will be finalized with us as parent by July 31. I was trying to really believe it would come true I even opened a fortune cookies yesterday that states "everything will now come your way" I truly believed that when I opened it yesterday I was thinking see this positive thing is working then I got the e-mail and I was just so mad. I am sorry but I needed to vent and see if I can get any help of advise. Thanks
" the primary barrier to adoption is hat birth father on 2/8/10, filed an appeal again termination of parental right decision. The appeal process is still pending which will delay the adoption until a decision is made. The anticipated adoption date is July 2010."
Then I got an e-mail yesterday from our adoption worker stating that she had good new and not so good news. Good news was that we were approved for the adoption through the state and we have consent (what ever that means) as of 7/7/10. She says on there end they are all ready to go ahead once they hear the appeal is finalized we can get a court date. The not so good news she put was that she talked to the attorney general (I don't know who this is) but she said that it may be a few more months because of later paper work on behalf of birth dad's lawyer.
I don't understand this because I don't know how this process work. I don't understand they said if things come in late they don't take them. The extension came in late and they threw that out and wouldn't take it. I just don't want him to freak when we go to kindergarten with a different name and he has been asking "mom when am I going to be your last name and when am I going to have my adoption party". This is tuff because it is tuff for me to wait anymore but for him it is agonizing. We worked so hard to get him to this point of comfortablility and the system is failing again. It is crazy how it takes 2 weeks to make a decision to terminate but an appeal we are going on 5 1/2 months. How much longer to wait.
I told you that I would do absolutely anything for him and I did send a letter to the judge but unfortunately I got it sent back to me with a letter stating:
"The court must return your letter addressed to Judge ----- for the reason that it would be improper for the judge to read anything not presented as evidence in court. While we appreciate the fact you tried to let him know about a concern you had, the judge will not be able to consider your letter.
Please understand the limitations imposed on judge by law. The rules are meant to preserve the equality of justice, which is so important to our system of laws."
In the letter to the judge I wasn't trying to make him terminated there right just explained my concern with school and if he could look over the paper work so he can move on with his life and close this chapter.
What else can I do. Any one go through this? Anyone know how long on average appeals take? What more can I do? Can I go up higher to get this resolved or to bring attention or awareness not just for Justin but for other kids going through the same thing? Who do you go to? I want to make a difference and no child should have to feel and comfortable as he is with me that he might not stay here forever and doesn't have solid ground to stand on the longer they make a child wait. I just need some advice or ideas or what else I can do? I have sat on my hand this whole time and I feel like I have been waiting forever. I just wish this could be final already. I can't tell you how many times people ask me when is it final. It makes me mad to say I have no idea because I am sick of saying by the end of the summer. I have really tried hard to be positive which I was doing until yesterday's e-mail from the adoption worker. I even put up a sign on my fridge that appeal will be finalized with us as parent by July 31. I was trying to really believe it would come true I even opened a fortune cookies yesterday that states "everything will now come your way" I truly believed that when I opened it yesterday I was thinking see this positive thing is working then I got the e-mail and I was just so mad. I am sorry but I needed to vent and see if I can get any help of advise. Thanks
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Finding myself
I am sorry it has been a while but I was trying to take time for myself to find who I am again. I feel like I have lost myself about 4-5 years ago. After my family moved in my house and my dad was sick about 4-5 years ago my life turned upside down. I had to be the rock for the family and not get upset and stay strong for my mom and brother who are weaker and my dad asked me to stay strong so as hard as it was I couldn't break down in front of him or anything so giving hugs was very hard not to break down as I never knew if it was my last. After my dad past part of my heart honestly left with him and I have never got it back. I struggled to find why I felt out of sorts and not myself for so long and everyone told me it was normal at first when you dad passes but then the infertility and 2 lost in vetro's. It was hard. They give you those pictures of the embryo's and the ultrasound of them inside of you after they put them in that you are hopeful that you will see them some day. Well when it didn't happen it was devastating it was like I lost those babies after seeing them on the ultrasound and under the microscope it feels like they are already yours and losing them 2 times took such a hard toll on me. I was hard on myself and I just never felt like anyone enjoyed my company like they use to because I didn't enjoy myself.
I am just starting to realize this now. I had my girlfriend who came over on Saturday and her mom died a year and a week after my dad so she was going through that loss this weekend with us and was drinking which I swear I don't have a drinking problem it is just when we are around friends or it is around that time and either the issue of my dad, infertility or someone pregnant again! it makes it hard for me to feel happy for that person or to be myself or to be as friendly without that guard up as to not get hurt so I have a drink to relax me and loosen up so people will won't to be by me. No one wants to be the "Debbi downer" and that is what I felt like. I didn't laugh as much or enjoy others company. I just wanted to be with my husband and even when Justin came into our lives I just wanted to be with Justin and Tim and no one else. It was like my safe haven. So it seemed that I would get around others and drink as to numb that pain that I was feeling.
So I started to do some sole searching these past 2 weeks. The test was my girlfriend came over and was drinking and morning the loss of her mom and I just got over the week before morning my dad's loss and it made it easier to want to drink with her BUT I didn't. I took it in and helped her through while talking about my dad. I let myself feel it. I do that with Tim when it is just the two of us but never anyone else. Well I allowed myself to do it. I told Tim I felt like I made a big step today and I explained that I think my problem it that I have never been at peace with my dad being gone. I always felt why him and why now and I need him and I think I truly made it about me.
Well you won't believe it and it is still new to me but I think I am finally at peace with my dad and my infertility. I think the feelings can be there but I think I am at peace with it and understand it. My dad came to me in my dreams on Saturday night after my girlfriend went home and I explained to Tim that I never had peace about my dad leaving. My dad actually came to me. This is very personal and is making me tear up about it now. But anytime I have ever had a dream about him in the last 3 years he has been gone it has been of him sick never well the way he always was a fit and healthy guy. He was the way I remembered him. He said he came down because he knew I wanted so badly to see him one last time and he didn't want me to keep that sick image of him in my head forever and to remember him the way he always was. I remember hugging him and he was only around for a few minutes maybe 3 or 4 but I was able to hug and touch him and smile at him and then he said he had to go and I begged him selfishly to please not leave me and he explained that he had to go and that he could only have this short visit and I was sad but I understood and was grateful to see him again. oh my goodness I can't stop crying. ahahahh. I remember him leaving but I still kept a smile on my face just happy that I had the opportunity to see him again.
I told my husband the next day as I was tearing up trying to tell him and he just hugged me as I explained that I think I am at peace with him being gone. I will never be over it but I am at peace with it. I felt good going into 4th of July which was one of my dad and I's favorite holiday's because we use to have a 4th of July party every year he had a bunch of people over and he did fireworks and so this 4th of July I couldn't help but look at those firework in the sky with a little tear in my eye and a smile on my face thinking of my dad. It felt good for a change. I didn't want to blog about it right away because I didn't know if it was just how I was feeling for that little while or if my sole was truly at peace so I waited a few days and I still feel the same way.
I know there are going to be sceptics about my dreams and what ever and that is fine but I always try not to put my religious beliefs or anything to change any one's beliefs but I know that my dad came to me in my dreams because it was the right time. I was searching how to feel better about it and searching for answers when everyone always says things happen for a reason I didn't understand the reason and that upset me. I don't need to know the reason it might unfold for me later in life an answer that question. Who knows I just have to be blessed with everything I do have and not what I don't.
I had to post this am I am sorry but on a sadder note they think my aunt and uncle on my mom's side have cancer. They are both going through with some more testing but my uncle has 2 masses in his lungs and my aunt has 2 masses in her throat that doctors are afraid it is cancer. They both smoke heavily and have 1 kid together who is 11 and my god son and my aunt had her daughter who is 21. I am praying that everything goes well am it is not cancer. It has been on my mind all week. I did tell my mom since her sister (my aunt) she was worried about the kids and all that I would take them in if anything were to happen. I was totally not trying to think the worse but to ease her mind that they will be taking good care of. Her concern also was if it did happen I live in Michigan and she lives in Jersey and it would be a big change. Please just keep them in your prayers. Thanks
I am just starting to realize this now. I had my girlfriend who came over on Saturday and her mom died a year and a week after my dad so she was going through that loss this weekend with us and was drinking which I swear I don't have a drinking problem it is just when we are around friends or it is around that time and either the issue of my dad, infertility or someone pregnant again! it makes it hard for me to feel happy for that person or to be myself or to be as friendly without that guard up as to not get hurt so I have a drink to relax me and loosen up so people will won't to be by me. No one wants to be the "Debbi downer" and that is what I felt like. I didn't laugh as much or enjoy others company. I just wanted to be with my husband and even when Justin came into our lives I just wanted to be with Justin and Tim and no one else. It was like my safe haven. So it seemed that I would get around others and drink as to numb that pain that I was feeling.
So I started to do some sole searching these past 2 weeks. The test was my girlfriend came over and was drinking and morning the loss of her mom and I just got over the week before morning my dad's loss and it made it easier to want to drink with her BUT I didn't. I took it in and helped her through while talking about my dad. I let myself feel it. I do that with Tim when it is just the two of us but never anyone else. Well I allowed myself to do it. I told Tim I felt like I made a big step today and I explained that I think my problem it that I have never been at peace with my dad being gone. I always felt why him and why now and I need him and I think I truly made it about me.
Well you won't believe it and it is still new to me but I think I am finally at peace with my dad and my infertility. I think the feelings can be there but I think I am at peace with it and understand it. My dad came to me in my dreams on Saturday night after my girlfriend went home and I explained to Tim that I never had peace about my dad leaving. My dad actually came to me. This is very personal and is making me tear up about it now. But anytime I have ever had a dream about him in the last 3 years he has been gone it has been of him sick never well the way he always was a fit and healthy guy. He was the way I remembered him. He said he came down because he knew I wanted so badly to see him one last time and he didn't want me to keep that sick image of him in my head forever and to remember him the way he always was. I remember hugging him and he was only around for a few minutes maybe 3 or 4 but I was able to hug and touch him and smile at him and then he said he had to go and I begged him selfishly to please not leave me and he explained that he had to go and that he could only have this short visit and I was sad but I understood and was grateful to see him again. oh my goodness I can't stop crying. ahahahh. I remember him leaving but I still kept a smile on my face just happy that I had the opportunity to see him again.
I told my husband the next day as I was tearing up trying to tell him and he just hugged me as I explained that I think I am at peace with him being gone. I will never be over it but I am at peace with it. I felt good going into 4th of July which was one of my dad and I's favorite holiday's because we use to have a 4th of July party every year he had a bunch of people over and he did fireworks and so this 4th of July I couldn't help but look at those firework in the sky with a little tear in my eye and a smile on my face thinking of my dad. It felt good for a change. I didn't want to blog about it right away because I didn't know if it was just how I was feeling for that little while or if my sole was truly at peace so I waited a few days and I still feel the same way.
I know there are going to be sceptics about my dreams and what ever and that is fine but I always try not to put my religious beliefs or anything to change any one's beliefs but I know that my dad came to me in my dreams because it was the right time. I was searching how to feel better about it and searching for answers when everyone always says things happen for a reason I didn't understand the reason and that upset me. I don't need to know the reason it might unfold for me later in life an answer that question. Who knows I just have to be blessed with everything I do have and not what I don't.
I had to post this am I am sorry but on a sadder note they think my aunt and uncle on my mom's side have cancer. They are both going through with some more testing but my uncle has 2 masses in his lungs and my aunt has 2 masses in her throat that doctors are afraid it is cancer. They both smoke heavily and have 1 kid together who is 11 and my god son and my aunt had her daughter who is 21. I am praying that everything goes well am it is not cancer. It has been on my mind all week. I did tell my mom since her sister (my aunt) she was worried about the kids and all that I would take them in if anything were to happen. I was totally not trying to think the worse but to ease her mind that they will be taking good care of. Her concern also was if it did happen I live in Michigan and she lives in Jersey and it would be a big change. Please just keep them in your prayers. Thanks
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Rest in Piece DAD
Today has been 3 years. I just can't believe it. I couldn't sleep last night as much as I tried to clear my head. I tossed and turned all night. I wanted to say I missed you so much. I remember this day like it happened yesterday. For 2 years after you past I had issues going into the room you passed. It would take the breathe right out of me and it would be hard for me to breath or be in there. All I could think about was the bad memories in that room. I know you feel the same way because you never wanted me to see you like that and have to watch you deteriorate right in front of my eyes. I remember calling Tim to tell him I think you were passing and I went upstairs again to find mom yelling over you telling me to help even thought that was not what you wanted and I was numb. I had an outer body experience. My body was standing there but I couldn't get my body to do anything. There were no tear,no emotion, no movement no nothing I was just standing there telling myself this isn't happening as the window was opened I heard Tim's feet running across our gravel drive way and I could feel his panic through those foot steps and mom's scream for help as it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. It didn't hit me till Tim came up to your room and put his arms around me and yelled over my mom "he is gone" then the flood gates bursted open and screaming cry came from me and realizing that this was the last time I would see you for a long time.When Justin came into our lives Tim surprised me one day when I came home he had Justin's room all situated so it didn't remind me of the room when you passed. Justin doesn't of course know that was the room you passed in. Now that room is full of life and happiness. He loves cars just like you do. He really like the movie cars. The whole room is themed in cars and when I go in there I don't even think about those days in that room. It is like a totally different room. I go in and it now makes me smile. I at one point thought we were going to have to move because I had such a problem with that room I would close the door and never go in and now it is always open and I am always smiling when I pass. Justin is either sleeping or playing and it is happy. I think what I love the best is knowing you are his guardian angel I tell him. I told him you would always protect him.
Mom is doing good. She got married last month. Ricky is in school. He has an associates in computers but now wants to be a nurse. And no he hasn't grown up yet. He is now 25 and still has no job and wants to go back to school but the good thing dad is that mom married a guy that can take care of them both. He makes a decent money and seems to want to take care of them. I don't know if he knows what he is getting himself into hahahah. He cooks for them, cleans for him and works a lot. I feel like now I don't have to take care of them anymore there is someone who will and I can concentrate on my family.
I wish you could be here. I still need you selfishly. I miss you and love you. I think about you all the time and I try not to cry but last night and this morning was a little hard. It would be 3 years at 11 am this morning you passed. I am trying not to dwell on it but when the day comes it gets hard. Justin and I are planting a flower in our garden of memory of you today. We are also going out to eat to one of your favorite restaurants in memory of you. Not like we are throwing a party or anything but we are just trying not to make it a sad day and trying to do things that you liked or tell stories of you to Justin. He always asks questions about you. He found your ashes on my dresser. He picked up that pretty box I keep your ashes in and he wanted to play with it and I had to explain to him not to do that and that it was you. He wants to know what you liked and what you used to do and he loves to see pictures of you with all these cars and when you play the guitar. He told me he wants to play the guitar. I told him if he is serious when he gets older I will give him your famous red guitar that you had when I was young. You loved that thing and we have so many pictures with you with that guitar.
I will think of you today and always and miss you so very much. I love you and think of you frequently. We are always thinking of you today and always. Love your Family Susie, Timmy and Justin
Monday, June 21, 2010
Something is wrong and I am not sure what
Well I have a lot to be grateful for. I have the best husband. My dreams came true when Justin came in to my life. I have a nice home and I have a job. It is a pretty good job can find better but it is still great to have a job in this economy. I have great in laws who are the best and I consider them my family. I have a vehicle and I have my health. We all have our health. I have passed my test and have a lot to be thankful for. BUT....
For some reason that is just not enough and I don't know why. I am not sure anyone has felt this way and that is why I am putting it out there. I usually never think I am an ungrateful person but lately I am not sure if it is that for health that has caused me to feel the way I feel. I don't think I should feel this way for a 28 almost 29 year old girl.
I feel tired and fatigued all the time. I feel irritable and emotional. I have vaginal bleeding between my periods especially after exercise. Things seem to bother me to easily and then later I feel bad about it. I didn't always use to be like that. But people tell me that could be my cyst bursting. I have a hypothyroid and a cyst on my ovary and a fibroid on my breast. I only tell you this intrusive stuff because I want to give you everything I know about me to help me figure out what is going on. Every time I go to the doctor they check my thyroid with the thyroid meds they tell me I am doing good and I am normal. I am taking thyroid meds and the natural supplement KELP which is suppose to be great for your thyroid. I don't know what to think.
I have been watching this DVD a friend gave me called "The Secret" that helps you be positive and feel good about yourself. It use to work but it just doesn't work. I find myself struggling with my mind to stay happy and positive and it is becoming hard and a chore rather then just coming to me which I feel it should. I have nothing to complain about but I seem to be bothered. I get bothered just when Justin interrupts or when Tim does this slurp sound. I would normally never feel like this but I find my self telling them could you not do that or yell at them over such a silly thing. To me right now is silly but at the time it is like nails on a chalk board. I have tried everything. I write on a piece of paper what I am grateful for I listen and watch self help things to be back to a better person and it all doesn't seem to be working. The only conclusion I can come to is my thyroid with my cyst that must be bursting in between periods that causes me pain and fatigue and mixed with the thyroid that causes fatigue and sometimes irritability but why does the doctor keep telling me the labs are normal. I have gone to 3 medical doctors and they say I am on the right thyroid medication. If anyone has any input or help please tell me. I want to feel normal for me Justin and my family please. I don't know what else to do or say. Thanks for listening and letting me get all this out. :)
For some reason that is just not enough and I don't know why. I am not sure anyone has felt this way and that is why I am putting it out there. I usually never think I am an ungrateful person but lately I am not sure if it is that for health that has caused me to feel the way I feel. I don't think I should feel this way for a 28 almost 29 year old girl.
I feel tired and fatigued all the time. I feel irritable and emotional. I have vaginal bleeding between my periods especially after exercise. Things seem to bother me to easily and then later I feel bad about it. I didn't always use to be like that. But people tell me that could be my cyst bursting. I have a hypothyroid and a cyst on my ovary and a fibroid on my breast. I only tell you this intrusive stuff because I want to give you everything I know about me to help me figure out what is going on. Every time I go to the doctor they check my thyroid with the thyroid meds they tell me I am doing good and I am normal. I am taking thyroid meds and the natural supplement KELP which is suppose to be great for your thyroid. I don't know what to think.
I have been watching this DVD a friend gave me called "The Secret" that helps you be positive and feel good about yourself. It use to work but it just doesn't work. I find myself struggling with my mind to stay happy and positive and it is becoming hard and a chore rather then just coming to me which I feel it should. I have nothing to complain about but I seem to be bothered. I get bothered just when Justin interrupts or when Tim does this slurp sound. I would normally never feel like this but I find my self telling them could you not do that or yell at them over such a silly thing. To me right now is silly but at the time it is like nails on a chalk board. I have tried everything. I write on a piece of paper what I am grateful for I listen and watch self help things to be back to a better person and it all doesn't seem to be working. The only conclusion I can come to is my thyroid with my cyst that must be bursting in between periods that causes me pain and fatigue and mixed with the thyroid that causes fatigue and sometimes irritability but why does the doctor keep telling me the labs are normal. I have gone to 3 medical doctors and they say I am on the right thyroid medication. If anyone has any input or help please tell me. I want to feel normal for me Justin and my family please. I don't know what else to do or say. Thanks for listening and letting me get all this out. :)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Yeah I passed what's next
I passed that test found out today on line. I am CPC certified which is certified professional coder and I can make more money. I have almost 5 years of billing and coding experience but now I have to figure out what avenue I want to go down. Justin and I were dancing this morning when I found out. I kept singing "mom did it she did, mom didn't" and he was laughing and having a good old time. It was great and I am so happy now if I can find a job in this bad economy I can make more money with this certificate. I know there is a position for a lead biller that just opened up at my job but they told us we can't apply anyone who works there they have some people in mind and we can't ask but they will decide whether they will hire from with in or not. I e-mailed my supervisor this morning to tell her about my certification so she would think of me for the position since I do so many different jobs while a lot of other people in out department only do one job. I really do like 4 different jobs but I feel like I am a huge asset to them but because I do all those jobs who would they get to do my job not only that but if I am going to be honest with you without sounding like I full of myself but I have a feeling I know what they think of me. They know I am a hard worker and a go getter but they see me as YOUNG, CUTE, not leadership. I know I can do it but admittedly I do look young and have a young voice and I am very smiley and bubbly and I think they perceive that for naive, not experienced in life (little do they know) but we are at work and in my profession of billing you need everyone and so if someone is mad at you but they know something you don't they aren't going to be willing to help you so you need to be nice. I am not saying I am fake nice but I am very nice at work to keep the moral going and keep people on my side. I feel like that is coming back to bite me. After I e-mailed my supervisor that I passed she just said congratulations nothing else was said. I would think that if they had people in mind for the position and they announced it over a week ago those people would have been confronted. I am not sure what to do. I will have to see where this road takes me.
On another situation I keep finding these kids on line that need families and every time I find an older child they have to be the youngest which is a challenge since Justin is 5. I keep hearing about all these situations in my area in the news and all that are said about abuse to these children or a parent killing another parents and these kids need families. It is so sad I am right here and I never get a call on these kids. I want to help and feel good about changing these children's lives. I truly think that since that infant we turned down that social worker probably didn't want to give us a call because w ask to many questions which is sad when kids need a home. I only asked the questions to make sure it was a situation that we can handle but we don't seem to be called anymore so I have kind of looked on my own but I am not getting very far. Well you all know I try not to preach on my blog as to not offend anyone or any religions so please shy away from this comment I was compelled to say but God will have to show us our path. Everyone says things happen for a reason. I will just have to see what that reason is. My patients haven't always been my strong suite.
On another situation I keep finding these kids on line that need families and every time I find an older child they have to be the youngest which is a challenge since Justin is 5. I keep hearing about all these situations in my area in the news and all that are said about abuse to these children or a parent killing another parents and these kids need families. It is so sad I am right here and I never get a call on these kids. I want to help and feel good about changing these children's lives. I truly think that since that infant we turned down that social worker probably didn't want to give us a call because w ask to many questions which is sad when kids need a home. I only asked the questions to make sure it was a situation that we can handle but we don't seem to be called anymore so I have kind of looked on my own but I am not getting very far. Well you all know I try not to preach on my blog as to not offend anyone or any religions so please shy away from this comment I was compelled to say but God will have to show us our path. Everyone says things happen for a reason. I will just have to see what that reason is. My patients haven't always been my strong suite.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Yesturday as one of the top 10 bet days
I had taken my test for my certification through the AAPC for my CPC certification. That is for billing and can make my family money if I can find a job which there are some. I had a class in October that gave me an oversight of the test but nothing like the 5 and 1/2 hour exam. I stated t he class in October and after my first class when I figured I waited a long time to have a child and who know how much longer I mine as well do this like I have wanted to before a child comes again. After the first class 2 days later I got the call on Justin. That made it hard to study, work full time and have him. Just having him our whole lives changed, let alone a full time job and school.
I took the test in December and failed by one question. Then I took the test again in March and same thing failed by one question. I was so mad and depressed with myself. I knew I could do better but it was timed and I am not the fastest reader. I wish my mom pushed reading like I do with Justin and I would be a better reader today. I try to read but I don't read half as quick as my other friends. My family (mom, dad and brother) were never readers so I never knew how important it was till now. Not that I can't read or understand it is just I can't read fast and a lot of the time I lip read so taking this test was a challenge. Even though I knew the material I couldn't read fast enough to complete it. The last two times I took the test, one time I had 13 that I didn't get to so I just put in anything and the next time I had 18.
Well yesterday I haven't study much for it because I have been busy and I think I was sick of getting my self all worked up over the test only for disappointment.
Well yesterday was everything I could have wished for. I prayed to my dad to be by my side yesterday and the morning didn't starts good. I forgot one of my billing books from work I had to stop there and pick it up early in the morning , then I got to the exam and when I sat down I realized I had papers I wasn't suppose to in my book so I had to go out to my car and drop it off then I came back up and I noticed everyone had there license and I left mine in the care so I had to go back to my car and get it because you need it for them to verify for sign in for the test. I was starting to get flustered a bit but then on my last trip to my car I grabbed my rosary beads from my car that I hand in my car to keep me safe and I put it in my pocket and I don't know why but constantly thinking of my dad.
I started the exam and I was just moving. It was awesome. I can't explain it but there was an open seat besides me during the test and I swear my dad was sitting next to me at the test helping move. Not that he would know the material but just helping me know it and feel confident. I finished the test completely no questions open with 2 minutes to spare. I handed in my test and as I was walking to get out of the building I just felt my dad walking besides and and I told him thank you. I started getting choked up on the way to my car. Tears just streamed down my face and my fist was held tight in an confident feeling of yes I did it and I knew I could. I checked my phone and saw there was one e-mail from some spam I don't remember who but in the subject if read for the dad who was by your side. I called my husband first and when he heard my tearful voice he thought the worst as before but when I tried to explain the feeling of joy and happiness and that I passed he started to get chocked up. I explained to him the e-mail on my phone. I know some of you think of what a coincidence but what are the chances and that it would say that. I had goose bumps. They always say loved ones send messages some ways and I feel like that was his way.
There are people who tell me Justin looks like my dad and I see it sometimes it is weird. But Tim told me that when Justin was in the car before I started my exam Justin did this smirky grin my dad would do and Tim swears he saw my dad so when I told him what I went through he said he wasn't going to tell as to not upset me but he also believes my dad was with me.
Another weird sign was this morning my husband said congratulation you passed and I said I couldn't have done it without my dad as I was turning on the TV, the three studges were on. My dad loved the three studges . It is not like that is on very often and I don't recall ever seeing it on TV. When my dad was sick at my house we bought him this season of dvd of three studges to brighten his spirits and it was on my TV. I find that just crazy. It was my dad. I am sorry I don't usually like to preach on my blog as to not offend anyone beliefs or push my beliefs on anyone but this is hard to tell without explaining. I just know my dad was with me and was sending me cues that he was. Last night I just got a little upset telling Tim I wish I could just hug him one last time. Also his 3 years since he has passed is coming in a week and a half and I was a bit emotional.
Yesterday I have never felt that way before. I just felt so happy and so great and not like I have ever felt before. No I don't know what my score is. It goes through Lansing and I have to wait to get it back but I should know online by the end of this week. I just know I passed though. One of my top 10 best days. I have never felt like that. Amazing.
I took the test in December and failed by one question. Then I took the test again in March and same thing failed by one question. I was so mad and depressed with myself. I knew I could do better but it was timed and I am not the fastest reader. I wish my mom pushed reading like I do with Justin and I would be a better reader today. I try to read but I don't read half as quick as my other friends. My family (mom, dad and brother) were never readers so I never knew how important it was till now. Not that I can't read or understand it is just I can't read fast and a lot of the time I lip read so taking this test was a challenge. Even though I knew the material I couldn't read fast enough to complete it. The last two times I took the test, one time I had 13 that I didn't get to so I just put in anything and the next time I had 18.
Well yesterday I haven't study much for it because I have been busy and I think I was sick of getting my self all worked up over the test only for disappointment.
Well yesterday was everything I could have wished for. I prayed to my dad to be by my side yesterday and the morning didn't starts good. I forgot one of my billing books from work I had to stop there and pick it up early in the morning , then I got to the exam and when I sat down I realized I had papers I wasn't suppose to in my book so I had to go out to my car and drop it off then I came back up and I noticed everyone had there license and I left mine in the care so I had to go back to my car and get it because you need it for them to verify for sign in for the test. I was starting to get flustered a bit but then on my last trip to my car I grabbed my rosary beads from my car that I hand in my car to keep me safe and I put it in my pocket and I don't know why but constantly thinking of my dad.
I started the exam and I was just moving. It was awesome. I can't explain it but there was an open seat besides me during the test and I swear my dad was sitting next to me at the test helping move. Not that he would know the material but just helping me know it and feel confident. I finished the test completely no questions open with 2 minutes to spare. I handed in my test and as I was walking to get out of the building I just felt my dad walking besides and and I told him thank you. I started getting choked up on the way to my car. Tears just streamed down my face and my fist was held tight in an confident feeling of yes I did it and I knew I could. I checked my phone and saw there was one e-mail from some spam I don't remember who but in the subject if read for the dad who was by your side. I called my husband first and when he heard my tearful voice he thought the worst as before but when I tried to explain the feeling of joy and happiness and that I passed he started to get chocked up. I explained to him the e-mail on my phone. I know some of you think of what a coincidence but what are the chances and that it would say that. I had goose bumps. They always say loved ones send messages some ways and I feel like that was his way.
There are people who tell me Justin looks like my dad and I see it sometimes it is weird. But Tim told me that when Justin was in the car before I started my exam Justin did this smirky grin my dad would do and Tim swears he saw my dad so when I told him what I went through he said he wasn't going to tell as to not upset me but he also believes my dad was with me.
Another weird sign was this morning my husband said congratulation you passed and I said I couldn't have done it without my dad as I was turning on the TV, the three studges were on. My dad loved the three studges . It is not like that is on very often and I don't recall ever seeing it on TV. When my dad was sick at my house we bought him this season of dvd of three studges to brighten his spirits and it was on my TV. I find that just crazy. It was my dad. I am sorry I don't usually like to preach on my blog as to not offend anyone beliefs or push my beliefs on anyone but this is hard to tell without explaining. I just know my dad was with me and was sending me cues that he was. Last night I just got a little upset telling Tim I wish I could just hug him one last time. Also his 3 years since he has passed is coming in a week and a half and I was a bit emotional.
Yesterday I have never felt that way before. I just felt so happy and so great and not like I have ever felt before. No I don't know what my score is. It goes through Lansing and I have to wait to get it back but I should know online by the end of this week. I just know I passed though. One of my top 10 best days. I have never felt like that. Amazing.
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