I found a possible connection

So this lady I have been becoming close with because Justin and her children she adopted went to school together and are now in kindergarten together. She know a lady she is friends with that has adopted 4 kids from foster care and now she wants to foster to adopt and hopefully find good homes for these kids if they need to be adopted. My friend told her I was interested and she said she has 2 now that she is finishing her adoption of and 1 other child but that she will see what she hears and as she is good friends with the people at dhs. I hate to say it but dhs in our county it about politics. I have been told by Justin's social worker when he had one and by people who use to work there. They work with the people who are willing to foster and take the kids that they call on all the time over people like myself who are interested in fostering to adopt. I have been told if they offer a child to you and you state that they are not a good match or you are not willing to take them or if you take to long in your desion to take them that they will not call you for a while. That is hard. I feel like this connection could be great. This lady is the reason my friend was able to adopt the 2 kids. This women said she will let me meet them but will have me come in as a friend of hers as to not shack up the kids or make them feel like they are being picked or anything like that. And that is not my intent at all. I just want to see how we connect. That child will be living in your house the rest of your life and if you take them in and it doesn't work then that is another loss to the child that I don't want happening. I would love to meet the child with my family and she how the interaction is. Well this is a hope at least. I feel like I at least have one person on the inside looking out for me and she will be able to tell me the truth on any issues the kids may have so that I am prepared. I know when I have been called from dhs they don't tell you everything for the hope you will just take them in because they can't find a place for them.

I feel good about this and hope it works out. I am really tring to shake this but I still think about those kids I said no about taking. I still wonder how they are and if they found a family for all 3 of the kids. I hate this guilty feeling I feel. I know we could have tried to make it work but my husband was so strong on no I knew I couldn't change his mind. I am trying my best to just pray for them and hope they found a family so that I don't keep thinking about them.

Easter Celebration.

Three generations of papa, dad and justin working together to put his puzzle he got on easter together.

More gift for Justin from the family he is so loved and spoiled by so many that he has touched.

A sweet moment with grandpa after he had hide some eggs for Justin at there house.

My sister in laws dog who is practicly there child stops to pose as the easter bunny.

Before church looking for easter eggs outside

He found the basket and some eggs inside.

In the morning we did the Easter egg hunt inside then got dressed did the easter egg hunt outside. Had us all take a shower to be ready for church at 9:30 which Justin did give me a little bit of a hard time but I had to remind him how important the day was and how dad is even going as a family to celebrate Jesus. He did great at the church.

We came home to watch a DVD Justin got for easter from the easter bunny together. Then I baked some cookies and cut some vegetables to take over to Grandma and papa's house. Justin couldn't wait to go over there to show grandma what he got her for easter and her birthday and I think he knew they hide some easter eggs for him at there house. Enjoy some cute pictures of the day I tried to capture. If I was allowed to take a picture in the church I would have of Justin singing it was too cute.

Happy Easter

I know it is early but if I don't do it now I will not get to it between going to church (and yeah my husband is going too and justin is so excited we are going to church as a family not just me and him) and then doing the easter egg hunt and his basket and over Tim's mom's house for easter and her birthday. Her birthday landed on Easter this year Kinda crazy but cool. Hear are some pictures I took of him in his easter attire this moring below hope you like.

Please by the way pray for those three kids that they are having a good Easter and that maybe they get to spend it together for there sake. I can't stop thinking of them and just wish them the best.
I am so lucky to have this little boy. Look how happy he is. He was such a ham when I took these pictures.

Made the desion on Monday and it still hurts

So I told them no on Monday to taking all 3 kids or splitting all 3 kids which ever way you look at it and it still hurts. I think about them and wonder if they found a home for them. I thought this would be easy without ever meeting them and putting a face to these kids. I have never meet them or anything before but my heart still aches for them. I have said no before but it never felt like this. I say no and think about them the rest of the day but then try to push them out of my head so that I don't dwell like I am now about them. This time my mind just keeps going while I can tell my husband is totally different and has thought about it again since saying no. I don't know why this is and if anyone else has felt this but it is bothering me and I wanted to share.

One of the hardest decisions

This was one of the more difficult decisions I had to make. It was like a double edge sword, doomed if I do and doomed if I don't. I know DHS was really counting on me taking these kids but it did kind of hurt that they lied to me in such a sneaky way. I have decided not to take the children. It was really hard. I would like to thank Savannah and Kelly for your input it really helped and put things in perspective and gave me support and something to think about. I didn't really share this with friends or family and I know they just wouldn't understand they would think I was crazy for even considering it so I wasn't going to tell them anything unless we took the kids in. I didn't want the negative comments I wanted supportive comments on pros and cons and what others would do in my situation. You all understand because you want to adopt and have a love for kids as I do. Most of the people in my world never have adopted or even considered it or even had infertility issues so they don't know what this is like. I really wanted to take these kids in but my husband was not on board for having a total of 4 children especially all at once. We have to agree together and I know it was a stretch for him to consider having 3 let alone 4. Also we wouldn't have room in either one of our vehicles to hold a family of 6. Only for a family of 5 and not room for the kids to have there own space that I think they deserve to have. I can make room for 3 kids but 4 is a stretch. I felt like if I didn't take them I would feel bad about it and let these kids down even though they didn't know about us. If I took them I would feel bad even if it works out that they would be separated because of us not willing to take the 10 year old as well. My husband kind of felt bad too and even considered taking in just the 10 year old but like I told him it is the same situation as us taking the younger two as they would need a place for all 3 and if we are not willing then we shouldn't as I don't want these kids to be separated they have been through enough and deserve each other. I pray there is a person out there that can open there heart and soul to these children and take all 3 in as I can't separate them. Thank all though for the support and hopefully another opportunity will arise and I can share with you. :)

something to think about Please tell me what you think about the info now

Thank you Savannah and Kelly. I appreciate the help and kind words. This is hard. Just to give you a little bit more info just so you have an idea Justin is 6 and the girl is 6 and the boy is 4 and we were told he needs constant supervision and the 10 year old is a girl. Yes Kelly the situation you were talking about, about the 10 year old separated right now due to 1 not being able to find a home for all 3 at the time and 2 the 10 year old wasn't being a kid and was watching the younger and taking more of a parenting role. But it sounds like ultimate goal is to keep together so although they don't have a place for 3 now say in a year or so when they are adoptable then they can be taken away if we don't agree to take all 3. My husband only ever wanted 2 kids and I always wanted 3. He is pretty firm on 2 but I was able to talk him into the possibility of 3 because I told him I can have a girl like I always wanted and Justin can have a little boy to play with too and Justin ever since we did respite care for the 2 little kids in September who were 2 and 3 he wanted a brother and a sister so bad. So asking my husband to bend to take in 4 kids I don't think I can do that. Before I posted earlier today I realized that DHS really tried to pull a fast one on me that really made me mad. My social worker asked me in March which is the one I posted in March on my blog about the 3 kids but we had to say no. These are the 3 kids. I didn't realize that until 3 hours ago. My social worker e-mailed me about 3 kids last march and I said no because I wouldn't take 3 more kids in. I told her to keep an eye out on a possible adoptable situation for 1-2 kids between the ages of 0-8 years old. Well on Tuesday she had another worker call me on the 2 younger kids to adopt not telling me that these were the same ones she asked me about in March because she probably didn't want to me to tie together and wanted me to fall in love with these kids and then feel I had to take in the 10 year old in order to keep the 2 younger and that just makes me so mad. She knows what I told her. I tied it together 3 hours ago because on Friday when I was told the 10 year old name I knew I heard her name before and it is very unique and I couldn't figure out where I heard it. All of a sudden it hit me. I went to the computer and pulled up the e-mail she sent in March and guess what it was these kids same names date of birth and all. I felt totally duped. My goal is adoption not foster care. I feel she is setting me up to fail. I don't know how many people adopt all 3 but it does make me feel bad that all 3 siblings are not together. I hope this helps give you a bit more clarity of the situation to help me with some advice. I appreciate all input weather you have had the situation or not I would love to hear from all angles. This is a huge decision. I know you can't give me an answer but something to think about would help greatly. I have prayed, cried and everything else about these kids. I was ready to take them until the news yesterday that shook me up and made my husband mad and not even want to deal with DHS because the deceit and lying. I did e-mail my social worker after I realized what she did to kind of find out where her head was at when she split the kids for me. Not sure what to think but as you can see my head is spinning. Thank you so much for the input. It is so greatly appreciated.

We need your HELP situation with some kids came up and not sure what to do

I got a call on Tuesday that there are 2 kids that can be very possible adopted as birth mom has not tried on bit to get the kids back and in 3 month they will determine that this should go to termination. This sounded very promising and it was a boy and a girl 6 and 4. I can't give much more information on them but I was very interested and they were at a foster home that was not through DHS but subcontracted out so I had to sign some paper work on Thursday that I would follow this subcontractors rules since they are a little more strict then DHS because they are held to a higher standard because they are a private agency. So we signed the paper work and talked a bit and we told her our intent to foster to adopt then she asked if we were willing to foster the 10 year old sibling that is at another foster home. I didn't even know that there was another sibling. I was taken back because now that changes things. I told her would would only take in 1-2 more kids because we already had Justin. She said okay because if this does become an adoptable situation then we would be looking for a family to adopt all 3 and if we find one they would be taken away from you to got to a home for them. Now I am totally agreeing that siblings should stay together especially when they have meet and know each other but I am not willing to have 4 kids with Justin. I think having 2 more kids is going to be hard enough let alone 3.This really sounds like an adoptable situation. I told them since these kids have been moved several time why don't they then look for a family that will be willing to take in all 3. She said because they don't have any. If they don't find any by the time these kids are available for adoption then we will get to adopt the 2 and do visitation with the 10 year old. I have to decide by Monday and I don't know what to do Please Help! I need to make a desion. Do I take in these 2 kids and hope that I can adopt them but then I feel horrible for the 10 year old or do I pass on this. I can't just think of Tim and I but Justin. He really wants a sibling but I don't want to keep these kids in our home for say a year and then they are adoptable and because we were not willing to take in 3 more kids that we lose them and we would be attached but I don't want that to effect Justin with people in and out of his life when he is doing really good. I am so torn. We were already to take these 2 kids in we had things planned out what we wanted to do with sleeping arrangement and how to decorate and all then come to find out DHS didn't tell us everything (big surprise) and it tosses everything in the air. Please tell me what you would do in this scenario. thanks you so much I need some help preferably by Monday so I can tell them what we decided.

Infertility why?

Just to end from my last post, no we did not take in the 3 more children making it 4 children. I really wanted to but if my husband was against it we both have to be on board. Justin was bumd but hopefully another situation will come. I have to talk about infertility today because I found out one of our friends is pregnant for the second time. On the first try she got pregnant with her daughter and now she wanted another and got pregnant the same month she tried again and just announced to us on Saturday she was. I thought this time if anyone had announced they were pregnant I would be happy for them and not have those feelings I has the first time she and all my other friends announced they were pregnant. I will be 30 this year and almost all our friends have babies and are now rounding me with there seconds and while I still have my one and never was able to know what if feels like to go through a pregnancy. PLEASE PLEASE don't get me wrong at all. I LOVE just with all my heart and would not give that up for anything but that feeling still hits a nerve. She announced it and the rest of the day I had my husband asking me what was wrong. I kept telling him I am fine. My husband is awesome he tries to point out that we have Justin and that is what we always wanted why am I acting like this. I don't know what I was acting like exactly because I just felt like I was walking in a fog.It just hit a nerve when it was announced and I don't know why. I truly and honestly do not want to be pregnant I am over that. I truly am. But that feeling still came back when it was announced like a pit in my stomach that nerve we just struck and I wasn't mad at her and I was happy for her that she didn't have to struggle like I did but it still kind of hurt. To make this go full circle. I know why I couldn't get pregnant because I would never have had Justin. If I never had Justin I don't know if I would have found my way back to God and the church. I have lost him for a while. When my dad was sick I prayed and went to the church for holy water to sprinkle on my dad. After he died a peace of me went to heaven with him that I feel I never really got back and that I am not the same person as I was before he passed and I think that also has to do with I don't have any other family that is there for me but my husband and son and his family. But then again they are his family so if there is any disagreement I need to talk to them because I am upset with my husband there is no one to talk to because we all know what sides they will take and I would never let my son decide. So I felt alone like god took the only person that was on my side the only person that could save me if I needed, the only person that was my dad the one I looked up to my friend. He was all those wrapped in one and that was gone and I felt kind of empty and angry with god. My anger only grew when we tried to get pregnant now it will almost be 6 years and then the infertility was brutal and I felt like I lost some kids when I went through in vetro. It was earth shattering and I went to a very dark place. I didn't do anything bad but my thought were so bad I had to be strong enough to pull myself out of that. I did then the adoption road was some what of a long struggle and frustrating first wanting a baby and none coming to having a 4 year old unexpectedly come into our lives. I am grateful for a lot. This year we decided his adoption was finial we have all his paper work we will baptise him so I started to go to church with him and feel better and feel happy again. I started helping out at church and going to the soup kitchen and helping out there it felt good. Why do I have this nerve that gets struck if I feel I am in a good place and over being pregnant. Sorry getting back to full circle we go to church yesterday and guess who is in front of us, our friends who told us they were pregnant. As we confessed our sins I kept telling god please let this feeling go away I am sorry for having this upset feeling with them and there announcement I just want to be completely happy for them and mean it. Of course I sat with them and tried to hardest to not show nothing was wrong but it sill a little awkward. I don't know why. I wished it would go away. Then the pastor said had a casket in the middle of the church and said anyone ever have an elephant in the room like this one and know they had to say something but couldn't. I was like my goodness what am I to do. I don't want to say anything like that. It would hurt there feelings and they are excited they just started telling people. When we got up to leave I just told them both so happy I was for them and gave them a hug. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but it felt like it at the time. WHY DOES INFERTILITY HAVE TO BE SO HARD.

My heart feels torn

I first wanted to start by thanking everyone for there feed back on my last post. We did decide Justin should be baptised at Lutheran. We figured what is best for him and if he has friends with the kids and the teachers and pastor there, he should go there because that is were he is most comfortable and this is about him. They do so many kids activities and get the kids involved in their spirituality at such an early age it is awesome. I do think they do a great job and are so family and child oriented it was great. Thank you so much for the support and feedback.

Now, getting back to why I am posting, I had got an e-mail from my social worker about 3 kids. Now our licence states 3 kids 0-10. Now with Justin this would make 4. These three kids at 11, 7 and 4. Then I would have Justin who is 6. My husband (Tim) is so stressed out when I feel bad and want to take in these kids he tells me I am crazy. He always says how would we do that with us both working who would ever want to baby sit for 4 kids we have enough trying to find someone to watch Justin he states. I just know these kids need a family in Michigan and I don't know where they are going or who they are going to and I know how I am and what I can offer them. It tears my heart apart because my husband and I are not on the same page and I know that is important. When we got the call about Justin at the time my husband was questioning and stating he thought Justin might have been to old for us as we at the time were thinking infant and look at what happened. But then at the same time we both work full time and how would we fit 6 in my car or Tim's truck. We would go from a family of 3 to 6 and that scares Tim. Not only that but the 2 older at female and I know that makes my husband hesitate.

I have to let my social worker know what I think tomorrow and I am just torn. My husband says no and if it was up to me I would say yes but I also am one to say yes to animals when need a home so my husband has to help keep me in line some what but when it comes to kids in the system I want to help. I never would guess I would even think about 4 but they are kind of older they are not babies. It might just be a no though because my husband doesn't seem to be giving much at all. He said he couldn't parent that many kids. He said he would take one maybe 2 max if we got a call. This is hard for me. Thank you for reading and letting me express me feelings.

contraversial topic but need opinion

I know religion is controversial and I don't usually like to talk about religion on my blog as to not preach to push any of my beliefs on anyone so I am going to try to make this as light as possible.

OK this is a topic that has come up since we found out that Justin was going to be ours forever. I am Catholic and I have been Baptised, made my communion and confirmation. My Husband is Baptist not practicing. When we got married we said we would raise our kids Catholic as I was and Tim didn't practice and didn't mind what I wanted to do.

Well we also at the time thought we were going to get pregnant and have a baby then that didn't happen. We thought when we would adopt it would be an infant and that didn't happen.

God obviously had a different plan for us that was for the best even thought we couldn't see it at the time.

Well those plans were different we were able to adopt our wonderful son Justin at the age of 4 turning 5 when he came into our home. Well at the time he wasn't ready for Kindergarten and his teacher in Kindergarten told us that she thought he would do best in small 5's at Immanuel Lutheran church. Well even though it was a church that was not my religion I heard it was the best schools so I brought him there. They were awesome. He learned so much and there were very kid friendly. They taught the kids about what they would learn in kindergarten but also taught him about god and the Lutheran religion. He made a lot of friends and was very comfortable with the church. I feel he needs a religion and he like Immanuel Lutheran church and when I brought him to the Catholic church for a service he was not very good there and had trouble sitting still. They really were not as kid friendly as the Lutheran church. The Lutheran church brought him on stage with other kids incorporated the kids in the service and kind of made it funny and light hearted as they taught the kids about the religion.

My husband is not helping me in what I should do. He really never I am Catholic and this shouldn't be a big deal but I don't want Justin to feel he doesn't have the same religion as Tim and I. As we would all have a different religion. I just want to do what is best for Justin. I am not sure what that is. Do I go on my beliefs or is that close minded and selfish or do I bring him to a church he is familiar and happy with because that is best for him. I am just not sure and wanted some input. I want what is best for Justin and need some help on what you would do if you were me. I know religion is your belief and what is best for you but I is not for me it is for Justin. I am leaning toward the Lutheran church since he liked it there and made friends with many there as well as the pastor. We had went there for the 10 months he was there.

I want to have him baptized but where at. I need to make a desion for Justin on what religion now that he is officially adopted and we have all the documentation since we needed that documentation to have him baptized I need to make this happen. We say our prayers every night and he asks many questions about God and religion and heaven and a bunch of questions I sometimes don't know how to explain.

Justin has been very scared about death. Not his death but Tim and I dying. He asks many questions about my dad and why he dies young and I try to explain the best I can. I explain about heaven and that we will all see each other there but then he says why don't we just die now so we can also be with your dad. It is so hard to explain especially to him especially when it is about my dad. He really wish he meet my dad. He has told me so many time before. I try to put his mind at ease that nothing will happen to us and we will always be there for him and that he has many family members that love him and will always be there.

I am 29 years old and will admit I have lost my way with my faith since my dad but since Justin has come into my life I have wanted to change that. I also want to help with poor and underprivileged. I am trying to look for places in my area where I can donate my time and help people that are less fortunate. I am very serious about this and want to do my part. Thank you for letting me explain me situation and please be polite. I know about religion and how people get very hot and bothered about the topic and I just want input on what to do. Thank you