What been happening

Sorry it has been a while but not to much has been happening except a health scare for a moment. I went in for my ob/gyn appointment and was told he wanted me to go in for a mammogram for the lump I have had on my breast since I was 21. I had an ultrasound done at 21 when I first found it but they said they just thought it was dense breast tissue. So I was concerned why all of a sudden now we are testing. Well I got a call the mooring of the mammogram telling me that I was to young to have a mammogram done because of my age and that breast tissue at this age is so dense it is hard to see. So they re-scheduled me for an ultrasound.

I came in for the ultrasound and the lady told me not to change and to wait to hear from the radiologist I started to be a little nervous then she came in and told me they decided to do the mammogram after all. I went in for that waited also and then she came back in to tell me she needed an additional view and then to wait for the radiologist. She came back in and told me the radiologist wanted me to go for another ultrasound so I did and at that point she had asked me if I was told to go for x-ray or anything and I was then getting really nervous. Asking myself what did they find why am I getting bounced around as I waited for the radiologist to tell them what was next my eye's started to tear up. I couldn't help it and maybe I shouldn't think the worst but when you are in the scenario you can't help it. She came in to tell me they can't see the mass even though they can feel it. It is like 1 cm. It is a dense size. She said the radiologist feels comfortable sending you home. Then I get a call from my ob/ gyn to see a surgeon and then I got all nerved up again. I went to see him he felt it looked at the films and told me not to worry it was just density and that my breast on that side is like that and that he says not to worry about it. Fewww I was relieved. Now I this process was about 3 weeks are worrying. It felt like forever to me.

On a more positive note. I am thinking about going to a match party. They are having one in Michigan for children ages 6-17 and I figured I would go. I know when I started this process I only wanted an infant then was thinking about older. Now I am thinking 0-10 but we will see what happens. Who knows we might go there and really like a 12 or 13 year old. I put it for 0-10 because I didn't want the child to out of Justin's age range so they can still play and grow up with one another and still be able to create memories. I want Justin to go as a good indicator of if this child matches with Justin if they can get along and be life long friends. I want Justin to be comfortable about this situation too because to many kids can't handle kids that are younger them in the house and Justin is our top priority. We will see what happens I will tell you after June 11 which is the day. I have never been to one of these before so I don't know what I am in for but I am eager to let my heart lead the way.

Call last night

So we got a call last night from protective health service about 4 children that needed a home and a possible adoptive family. It was 8:45 at night and we just laid down in bed after putting Justin down. I know it was early it was early to go to bed for us too but we have this sinus thing that are heads feel so heavy they feel like exploding so we decided to sleep it off.

Sorry getting back we got the call my husband picked up and we had to say no. It hurts to know there are kids out there that need family's and I don't want to separate kids for my own selfishness. They should be together but 4 kids all under the age of 5. Few that would be a huge task for anyone let alone us who are only wanting 1-2 more. I had trouble going back to sleep last night just hoping they found a family for these kids. This is hard to get calls like that and know it is out of my range of what I know I can do. Foster care and the calling process is hard. You want to help and save them all and you can't. Your only own person.

I found a possible connection

So this lady I have been becoming close with because Justin and her children she adopted went to school together and are now in kindergarten together. She know a lady she is friends with that has adopted 4 kids from foster care and now she wants to foster to adopt and hopefully find good homes for these kids if they need to be adopted. My friend told her I was interested and she said she has 2 now that she is finishing her adoption of and 1 other child but that she will see what she hears and as she is good friends with the people at dhs. I hate to say it but dhs in our county it about politics. I have been told by Justin's social worker when he had one and by people who use to work there. They work with the people who are willing to foster and take the kids that they call on all the time over people like myself who are interested in fostering to adopt. I have been told if they offer a child to you and you state that they are not a good match or you are not willing to take them or if you take to long in your desion to take them that they will not call you for a while. That is hard. I feel like this connection could be great. This lady is the reason my friend was able to adopt the 2 kids. This women said she will let me meet them but will have me come in as a friend of hers as to not shack up the kids or make them feel like they are being picked or anything like that. And that is not my intent at all. I just want to see how we connect. That child will be living in your house the rest of your life and if you take them in and it doesn't work then that is another loss to the child that I don't want happening. I would love to meet the child with my family and she how the interaction is. Well this is a hope at least. I feel like I at least have one person on the inside looking out for me and she will be able to tell me the truth on any issues the kids may have so that I am prepared. I know when I have been called from dhs they don't tell you everything for the hope you will just take them in because they can't find a place for them.

I feel good about this and hope it works out. I am really tring to shake this but I still think about those kids I said no about taking. I still wonder how they are and if they found a family for all 3 of the kids. I hate this guilty feeling I feel. I know we could have tried to make it work but my husband was so strong on no I knew I couldn't change his mind. I am trying my best to just pray for them and hope they found a family so that I don't keep thinking about them.