Rest in Piece DAD

Today has been 3 years. I just can't believe it. I couldn't sleep last night as much as I tried to clear my head. I tossed and turned all night. I wanted to say I missed you so much. I remember this day like it happened yesterday. For 2 years after you past I had issues going into the room you passed. It would take the breathe right out of me and it would be hard for me to breath or be in there. All I could think about was the bad memories in that room. I know you feel the same way because you never wanted me to see you like that and have to watch you deteriorate right in front of my eyes. I remember calling Tim to tell him I think you were passing and I went upstairs again to find mom yelling over you telling me to help even thought that was not what you wanted and I was numb. I had an outer body experience. My body was standing there but I couldn't get my body to do anything. There were no tear,no emotion, no movement no nothing I was just standing there telling myself this isn't happening as the window was opened I heard Tim's feet running across our gravel drive way and I could feel his panic through those foot steps and mom's scream for help as it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. It didn't hit me till Tim came up to your room and put his arms around me and yelled over my mom "he is gone" then the flood gates bursted open and screaming cry came from me and realizing that this was the last time I would see you for a long time.

When Justin came into our lives Tim surprised me one day when I came home he had Justin's room all situated so it didn't remind me of the room when you passed. Justin doesn't of course know that was the room you passed in. Now that room is full of life and happiness. He loves cars just like you do. He really like the movie cars. The whole room is themed in cars and when I go in there I don't even think about those days in that room. It is like a totally different room. I go in and it now makes me smile. I at one point thought we were going to have to move because I had such a problem with that room I would close the door and never go in and now it is always open and I am always smiling when I pass. Justin is either sleeping or playing and it is happy. I think what I love the best is knowing you are his guardian angel I tell him. I told him you would always protect him.

Mom is doing good. She got married last month. Ricky is in school. He has an associates in computers but now wants to be a nurse. And no he hasn't grown up yet. He is now 25 and still has no job and wants to go back to school but the good thing dad is that mom married a guy that can take care of them both. He makes a decent money and seems to want to take care of them. I don't know if he knows what he is getting himself into hahahah. He cooks for them, cleans for him and works a lot. I feel like now I don't have to take care of them anymore there is someone who will and I can concentrate on my family.

I wish you could be here. I still need you selfishly. I miss you and love you. I think about you all the time and I try not to cry but last night and this morning was a little hard. It would be 3 years at 11 am this morning you passed. I am trying not to dwell on it but when the day comes it gets hard. Justin and I are planting a flower in our garden of memory of you today. We are also going out to eat to one of your favorite restaurants in memory of you. Not like we are throwing a party or anything but we are just trying not to make it a sad day and trying to do things that you liked or tell stories of you to Justin. He always asks questions about you. He found your ashes on my dresser. He picked up that pretty box I keep your ashes in and he wanted to play with it and I had to explain to him not to do that and that it was you. He wants to know what you liked and what you used to do and he loves to see pictures of you with all these cars and when you play the guitar. He told me he wants to play the guitar. I told him if he is serious when he gets older I will give him your famous red guitar that you had when I was young. You loved that thing and we have so many pictures with you with that guitar.

I will think of you today and always and miss you so very much. I love you and think of you frequently. We are always thinking of you today and always. Love your Family Susie, Timmy and Justin

Something is wrong and I am not sure what

Well I have a lot to be grateful for. I have the best husband. My dreams came true when Justin came in to my life. I have a nice home and I have a job. It is a pretty good job can find better but it is still great to have a job in this economy. I have great in laws who are the best and I consider them my family. I have a vehicle and I have my health. We all have our health. I have passed my test and have a lot to be thankful for. BUT....

For some reason that is just not enough and I don't know why. I am not sure anyone has felt this way and that is why I am putting it out there. I usually never think I am an ungrateful person but lately I am not sure if it is that for health that has caused me to feel the way I feel. I don't think I should feel this way for a 28 almost 29 year old girl.

I feel tired and fatigued all the time. I feel irritable and emotional. I have vaginal bleeding between my periods especially after exercise. Things seem to bother me to easily and then later I feel bad about it. I didn't always use to be like that. But people tell me that could be my cyst bursting. I have a hypothyroid and a cyst on my ovary and a fibroid on my breast. I only tell you this intrusive stuff because I want to give you everything I know about me to help me figure out what is going on. Every time I go to the doctor they check my thyroid with the thyroid meds they tell me I am doing good and I am normal. I am taking thyroid meds and the natural supplement KELP which is suppose to be great for your thyroid. I don't know what to think.

I have been watching this DVD a friend gave me called "The Secret" that helps you be positive and feel good about yourself. It use to work but it just doesn't work. I find myself struggling with my mind to stay happy and positive and it is becoming hard and a chore rather then just coming to me which I feel it should. I have nothing to complain about but I seem to be bothered. I get bothered just when Justin interrupts or when Tim does this slurp sound. I would normally never feel like this but I find my self telling them could you not do that or yell at them over such a silly thing. To me right now is silly but at the time it is like nails on a chalk board. I have tried everything. I write on a piece of paper what I am grateful for I listen and watch self help things to be back to a better person and it all doesn't seem to be working. The only conclusion I can come to is my thyroid with my cyst that must be bursting in between periods that causes me pain and fatigue and mixed with the thyroid that causes fatigue and sometimes irritability but why does the doctor keep telling me the labs are normal. I have gone to 3 medical doctors and they say I am on the right thyroid medication. If anyone has any input or help please tell me. I want to feel normal for me Justin and my family please. I don't know what else to do or say. Thanks for listening and letting me get all this out. :)

Yeah I passed what's next

I passed that test found out today on line. I am CPC certified which is certified professional coder and I can make more money. I have almost 5 years of billing and coding experience but now I have to figure out what avenue I want to go down. Justin and I were dancing this morning when I found out. I kept singing "mom did it she did, mom didn't" and he was laughing and having a good old time. It was great and I am so happy now if I can find a job in this bad economy I can make more money with this certificate. I know there is a position for a lead biller that just opened up at my job but they told us we can't apply anyone who works there they have some people in mind and we can't ask but they will decide whether they will hire from with in or not. I e-mailed my supervisor this morning to tell her about my certification so she would think of me for the position since I do so many different jobs while a lot of other people in out department only do one job. I really do like 4 different jobs but I feel like I am a huge asset to them but because I do all those jobs who would they get to do my job not only that but if I am going to be honest with you without sounding like I full of myself but I have a feeling I know what they think of me. They know I am a hard worker and a go getter but they see me as YOUNG, CUTE, not leadership. I know I can do it but admittedly I do look young and have a young voice and I am very smiley and bubbly and I think they perceive that for naive, not experienced in life (little do they know) but we are at work and in my profession of billing you need everyone and so if someone is mad at you but they know something you don't they aren't going to be willing to help you so you need to be nice. I am not saying I am fake nice but I am very nice at work to keep the moral going and keep people on my side. I feel like that is coming back to bite me. After I e-mailed my supervisor that I passed she just said congratulations nothing else was said. I would think that if they had people in mind for the position and they announced it over a week ago those people would have been confronted. I am not sure what to do. I will have to see where this road takes me.
On another situation I keep finding these kids on line that need families and every time I find an older child they have to be the youngest which is a challenge since Justin is 5. I keep hearing about all these situations in my area in the news and all that are said about abuse to these children or a parent killing another parents and these kids need families. It is so sad I am right here and I never get a call on these kids. I want to help and feel good about changing these children's lives. I truly think that since that infant we turned down that social worker probably didn't want to give us a call because w ask to many questions which is sad when kids need a home. I only asked the questions to make sure it was a situation that we can handle but we don't seem to be called anymore so I have kind of looked on my own but I am not getting very far. Well you all know I try not to preach on my blog as to not offend anyone or any religions so please shy away from this comment I was compelled to say but God will have to show us our path. Everyone says things happen for a reason. I will just have to see what that reason is. My patients haven't always been my strong suite.

Yesturday as one of the top 10 bet days

I had taken my test for my certification through the AAPC for my CPC certification. That is for billing and can make my family money if I can find a job which there are some. I had a class in October that gave me an oversight of the test but nothing like the 5 and 1/2 hour exam. I stated t he class in October and after my first class when I figured I waited a long time to have a child and who know how much longer I mine as well do this like I have wanted to before a child comes again. After the first class 2 days later I got the call on Justin. That made it hard to study, work full time and have him. Just having him our whole lives changed, let alone a full time job and school.

I took the test in December and failed by one question. Then I took the test again in March and same thing failed by one question. I was so mad and depressed with myself. I knew I could do better but it was timed and I am not the fastest reader. I wish my mom pushed reading like I do with Justin and I would be a better reader today. I try to read but I don't read half as quick as my other friends. My family (mom, dad and brother) were never readers so I never knew how important it was till now. Not that I can't read or understand it is just I can't read fast and a lot of the time I lip read so taking this test was a challenge. Even though I knew the material I couldn't read fast enough to complete it. The last two times I took the test, one time I had 13 that I didn't get to so I just put in anything and the next time I had 18.

Well yesterday I haven't study much for it because I have been busy and I think I was sick of getting my self all worked up over the test only for disappointment.

Well yesterday was everything I could have wished for. I prayed to my dad to be by my side yesterday and the morning didn't starts good. I forgot one of my billing books from work I had to stop there and pick it up early in the morning , then I got to the exam and when I sat down I realized I had papers I wasn't suppose to in my book so I had to go out to my car and drop it off then I came back up and I noticed everyone had there license and I left mine in the care so I had to go back to my car and get it because you need it for them to verify for sign in for the test. I was starting to get flustered a bit but then on my last trip to my car I grabbed my rosary beads from my car that I hand in my car to keep me safe and I put it in my pocket and I don't know why but constantly thinking of my dad.

I started the exam and I was just moving. It was awesome. I can't explain it but there was an open seat besides me during the test and I swear my dad was sitting next to me at the test helping move. Not that he would know the material but just helping me know it and feel confident. I finished the test completely no questions open with 2 minutes to spare. I handed in my test and as I was walking to get out of the building I just felt my dad walking besides and and I told him thank you. I started getting choked up on the way to my car. Tears just streamed down my face and my fist was held tight in an confident feeling of yes I did it and I knew I could. I checked my phone and saw there was one e-mail from some spam I don't remember who but in the subject if read for the dad who was by your side. I called my husband first and when he heard my tearful voice he thought the worst as before but when I tried to explain the feeling of joy and happiness and that I passed he started to get chocked up. I explained to him the e-mail on my phone. I know some of you think of what a coincidence but what are the chances and that it would say that. I had goose bumps. They always say loved ones send messages some ways and I feel like that was his way.

There are people who tell me Justin looks like my dad and I see it sometimes it is weird. But Tim told me that when Justin was in the car before I started my exam Justin did this smirky grin my dad would do and Tim swears he saw my dad so when I told him what I went through he said he wasn't going to tell as to not upset me but he also believes my dad was with me.

Another weird sign was this morning my husband said congratulation you passed and I said I couldn't have done it without my dad as I was turning on the TV, the three studges were on. My dad loved the three studges . It is not like that is on very often and I don't recall ever seeing it on TV. When my dad was sick at my house we bought him this season of dvd of three studges to brighten his spirits and it was on my TV. I find that just crazy. It was my dad. I am sorry I don't usually like to preach on my blog as to not offend anyone beliefs or push my beliefs on anyone but this is hard to tell without explaining. I just know my dad was with me and was sending me cues that he was. Last night I just got a little upset telling Tim I wish I could just hug him one last time. Also his 3 years since he has passed is coming in a week and a half and I was a bit emotional.

Yesterday I have never felt that way before. I just felt so happy and so great and not like I have ever felt before. No I don't know what my score is. It goes through Lansing and I have to wait to get it back but I should know online by the end of this week. I just know I passed though. One of my top 10 best days. I have never felt like that. Amazing.

Kindergarten orientation meltdown

So we went to kindergarten orientation this past Thursday and the first thing they asked the kids to do was find there name tags. Well at the other school he was going to I was paying for it and DHS told me he would be adopted before kindergarten so I told the school to have him practice writing our last name not his old last name as to not upset him. Well since kindergarten is at a public school they have to as they told me play by the rules and if that is his legal name they have to use it. I tried explaining the situation but you know how that goes they were only half listening.

So Justin goes to find his name and he told me he couldn't find it well as soon as I went up there I realized he didn't know because his old last name is on there. I grabbed it really quick and slapped the sticker of his name high on his chest but he is very aware of his surroundings so of course he grabbed his shirt and said " mom this isn't my last name" and was pulling off the sticker.

I thought quickly and went into my purse for a marker and scribbled out the last name and told him he has to wear it and I took the last name off. He had a meltdown. Arms crossed, didn't want to answer to talk to the teacher or the principal there. I tried explaining by like I said above they must not understand foster situations because they weren't giving. I pulled Justin aside out in the hall away from everyone and explained that I am going to do everything in my power to make this better and get this fixed before kindergarten starts.

Sorry I forgot to describe the melt down part but lets just say not pretty and many people starring. Well my husband told me I should have never promised him that I would fix by September but I wanted him not to hurt or feel that pain that I can see he was feeling and was feeling really hard when he saw that last name.

I am now trying to follow through. I talked to my sister in law yesterday who is a lawyer. I asked her if I should write a letter explaining to the judge or am I going to get on his bad side. She said I should find out who the judges clerk is, and be really nice to her and ask her about the process because she says a lot of the time you can persuade the clerk and she handles the judges stuff to get things done. It is nice to have a lawyer in the family. So we will see what happens. I feel kind of bad doing that but like I said I promised him and I am following through and doing what ever I can possible for him. Cross your fingers hope this works.

I told all of you about in my last blog these cute kids I would love to adopt but there were four and if anyone knew of anyone who would adopt 4 to let them know. I am sorry to this person, but I got an e-mail asking me for the website because they couldn't find the children and by accident I deleted your e-mail and can't find it in my deleted. So I am writing it on my blog so hopefully it gets to you. I don't think I can post there picture from the website but I will post the website and you can see there picture on it. They are adorable 2 boys, 2 girl, ages 2-6. Adorable. Like I said if I knew someone in Michigan that wanted to adopt 2 I would adopt the other two and let the kids see each other all the time but unfortunately I don't. But I am truly sorry for deleting your e-mail. Here is the website http://www.nwae.org/Profile-ID.php?case=c7795-98

Hope that helps, if not e-mail me again and I promise that won't happen.

I haven't posted pictures in a while so to catch you all up on what has been going on.

Tim's Birthday

Justin's Tiger Game with Dad
Tim Caught a ball on TV and gave to Justin and they were both on TV it was cool and here is the call to prove it. They were even on the sports highlights
Justin's Graduation Day
Memorial Day weekend his first time in a sand box, his first time miniature golfing, first time tubing and did it with mom, first fish caught and fishing time with dad
Another baseball game but this was the one that is historic almost perfect game and was robbed I have a picture of the ref when he called safe when they were out that changed the game

Good weekend

We had a great weekend I will try to post pics later this week but Justin had a ball up north and his graduation from small 5's on Thursday was excellent. I am going to miss that teacher they had the most memorable graduation and so cute. I kept calling him my little grad. I was so proud of him. He had to much fun up north fishing with dad and playing on swings, baseball and basketball and swimming. He didn't want to leave. It was nice because it gave me time to actually stand back and reflect on everything. I usually dwell on stuff but I was actually reflecting. Like looking in the back of the truck on the way up north saying this time last year I was saying I can't wait till I can look back there and see a little one back there and he was there and it felt great. Lots of our family and friends went up and they were playing with Justin and I just sat back and watched and enjoyed his joy he was having and he contagious laugh kills me. I couldn't stop smiling listening to that laugh he has. I was sitting there saying I love this and this is what I have been waiting for. It was nice to finally step back and get to enjoy everything rather then have stress and go go go. Justin did all weekend though beg for a brother or sister. He was the only child up north with like 20 adults. He was playing with adults but they don't play the same way with him as another child does. My mother in law was saying don't you wish you could rent a child for the weekend I just had to laugh.
By the way I saw the cutes kids ever and wish I knew someone that lived by me that was interested in adopting. I saw these cute kids on northwest adoption exchange under Idaho and there are 4 kids ranged from 2-6. I would have taken two of them in a heart beat and I would have hoped to have found someone who wanted to adopt 2 as well so that the kids could visit each other frequently. I know I defiantly love keeping kids together and I love kids but my husband would never go for 4 kids on top of having Justin he would tell me I am insane. Our life style is go go go. In the summer we go up north every weekend to clean cottages and then sports with Justin but even if I adopted the 2 older girls and someone I knew adopted the 2 younger. I know it was a thought that I shared that crossed my mind but I don't really know anyone and I wish I did. I thought that was a great idea but again it was just a thought but if you do know anyone that would be willing to adopt 4 kids together they are cute as can be .