From the Stork

Meet Riley Paige

2012-01-14T05:26:00.001-08:00

I know I know. It has been forever. I am so so sorry. I have not imagined how my life would change. Between the new position I got in August and meeting Riley in August and she came to our home in September and Justin also started school. Also Halloween, Justin's gottcha day his birthday, Christmas, new year and now we are leaving in a week for Florida it has been busy.

Well you all if you remember know that we choose the name Riley Paige. Her mom gave up her rights and dad didn't want to step forward to take a paternity test or anything so his rights were terminated in October. I meet her for the first time on my 30th birthday at her 3 month doctor appointment which is the first picture below. Then Tim meet her on a Monday the day after our 7 year wedding Anniversary. Another cool fact is she was born in May on my husbands birthday. Below you will see pictures from the first time I meet her the first time Tim meet her and so on till Christmas. When rights were terminated on dad the adoption worker came in and in December she sent our adoption paper work to Lansing and as of yesterday we got it back. Which is exciting. They consider that she is adopted by us but it is not by the court to change her name legally till March which would make it 6 months in our home. It feels like she has always been here though. We have enjoyed so much with her. I now have some time. I never got to take my family leave and now that my in laws left for Florida for 3 months I took an intermittent leave meaning I work 21 hours a week vrs 40 or more. I wanted to take it for the full time 3 month leave but I couldn't for many reasons. One being I don't get paid the full 3 months then when I would get back I wouldn't get paid for another 2-3 months just paying back the insurance. Another reason I wouldn't have enough time in my bank to take our vacation in July I take every year so I was kind of stuck in this position. But it is nice to have a little extra time with her. We started swim class last week. That was fun. It basically gets her use to the water. I know she has the bath but that is alot different then the pool. So we are having fun. She is 8 months now. Justin just adors her. Of course she doesn't get into his stuff yet. She refuses to crawl she rolls every where and likes us to hold her hand so she can walk. She doesn't have the concept yet that if she lets go of the couch or throws her self on the ground when she is sitting that mom will always catch her. She loves to eat and has a sassy ness about her. It is cute to see her personality. She is fun and cute and my little girl. I love having a boy and a girl and they just love each other she looks up to Justin and he makes he laugh like no one else can. I don't know the next time I will be on it is all when I have time and maybe she is sleeping. But I wanted to all update you because I haven't been on this in a long time and I just want to enjoy the time I have with her because they grow up fast and I don't want to miss a beat. Until then hope you all had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

This is my birthday and the first day I got to lay eyes on her she was 3 months old

This was the day after our Anniversary August 29 and Tim meet her for the first time. We are at DHS in this picture making up the plan of when she would go home with us forever.

This was our first day visit at our house with her

This is the first day she came to stay with us and the first day Justin meet his sister
She turned 4 months this day and the carrier was a life saver at the time

Justin wanting to hold his sister after she got out of a bath

Riley turned 5 months and we had to loosen the straps on her car seat

Riley just being cute and was just kind of learning to sit up

We carved pumpkins and at 5 months she was small enough to fit in one.
Riley was a pumpkin for Halloween I know fitting and Justin a Detroit baseball player Justin Verlander

Sorry this picture is out of order but Riley turned 5 months in this picture too with brother
Riley helping mommy with the laundry

Riley is 6 months here and she meet Santas for the first time when we went to the bass pro shop

This day she actually turned 6 months because we took her 6 month pictures and Christmas pictures together on this day

This day she turned 7 months sorry I didn't upload pictures this month so I don't have eight months pictures.
Riley in a diaper and socks helping mom with laundry

Christmas eve the kids were having fun. Riley as a Santa and Justin her helper.

Hope you enjoyed the pictures sorry I don't have Christmas and this months pictures but I will try next time to get those on.

exciting news to report

2011-09-16T09:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry I havn;t been on much but we got a special call from Justin's old social worker and a 3 month old baby girl back in August. She is now 4 months and we had 3 visits and I have been to her doctors visits and she came to live with us on September 8. I took a week off of work and decided to take my 3 month family leave act in January when my in laws are in Florida for 3 months so that she is not in day care every day during flu season and so I can be home with Justin all those vacations they get from school. It is hard because I am ending my week at home and I don't want to leave her. Well obviously I can't tell you her real name but her name we call her and her adopted name we chose is Riley Paige. She will be adoptable. Mom terminated her rights and wanted nothing to do with this precious baby girl and dad refuses to take a paternity test and wants nothing to do with her. Monday the petition to terminate on all unknown dads was granted and social worker came over today and said the court date of termination will be in a month or 2 and she has contacted the adoption services to start our process of adoption. The earliest it could happen is March as that is when she will be on the home for 6 months which is mandated in our state to adopt a child. Yeah we have a boy and now a girl. Everything is falling into place and life is great the only reason I can type this right now is she is taking her 20 minute nap that I think she is just getting up from. Talk to you soon.

have a question I will tall you more later

2011-08-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

Did anyone or has anyone known of someone who adopted when child is on methadone and being weaned off? If so how did it turn out? What is mom did heroin and opiates? Anything to watch for? I researched it but didn't find as many bad things as if mom did alcohol which is surprising to me because I thought drugs were worse for a baby.

Off the subject I turned 30 yesterday and it was good and bad. The good parts I will explain later but the bad was the kids had visit with dad and was told they are being taken out of the house and they were not happy and made me sad for them. It will be a crazy and emotional day tomorrow. I was packing the kids stuff today and I can tell 7 year old girl is trying to take stuff out of the bags so she can hide it so she has a way for us to connect. I explained to her that this is not good bye just see you later. After meeting dad 2 times now he seems to like us and we offered that if he ever needed us to watch the kids we would be more then happy to help him out and he actually seem to mean it when he said I might have to take you up on your offer. The social worker said he probably will call you which is fine with us. I gave 7 year old girl a journal today and I wrote on the last page to her and gave her our number in case she ever wants to contact us or if she needs us we are there for her and it seemed to put her at ease she is already planning when she is coming back but I had to explain it has to be okay with dad. So crazy month emotional birthday with ups and downs and tomorrow will be ruff.

I was just wondering about my above question and I have been trying to look into this heroin with mom and child being weaned off methadone not sure if from personal or know someone to give me heads up on this research would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much. I will keep you posted.

not a good time right now

2011-08-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

I am going to take a short break or as long as I need to post again. I have a bad taste in my mouth about DHS. They have lied to me yet again when they said they were adoptable and then she calls me less then 24 hours to tell me that they are having a visit with there dad and she is picking them up. I was told adoptable and no visits and goal terminating rights. After seeing dad with them and them with him and knowing he has a disease but he can very well get these kids back as he almost did and went through many hopes to get them back and almost had them till the day before they came. I know he is capable and talking with the social workers supervisor she was very honest with me unlike the social worker. They lied to find a home for now for them knowing I wanted to foster to adopt. Now if something fell through when going toward adoption fine but to upright lie makes me mad as can be. After dads visit they were a mess because they didn't think they needed to listen to me and felt they were going to be back with dad anyway. I am happy for them that they are probably seeing there dad again hopefully for good but this is not a situation for my family. Justin took it hard when she said she didn't want to live with us anymore and he was listening to them talk about there dad he felt like why didn't he get to visit his family. He is starting to try to mimic her behaviors and I am trying desperately to stop it. My other issue is I just don't have a connection with her and that hurts me. I felt a connection with Justin and he put us through a lot but there was just this bond and I feel it with her brother but just not with her and I think she feels the same way. I told DHS on Tuesday to have them removed after all that has been going on and now the social worker is treating me like I am just the most terrible person in the world. I told her first you lied to me then you told me that it was just going to be a visit on Aug 1 and then you called me that dad and asked me to take them and they were here in 2 hours so she didn't have to scrabble even though I really was not ready for them, she tells me the day before that she is taking the kids to visit dad when dad was to supportable have no visits, she never comes to pick them up as promised when I took part day off work and asked me to drive them last minute when we had plans that night and screwed up the whole day, the kids were in a tail spin because they were not prepared about dad or told now don't want to listen and I find out he can get them back soon and my son is getting into bad habits and upset and don't understand what is going on and he almost wants them out because the hurtful things they said about not wanting to be here and all that. It is not there fault they are in the middle and the worker lied and that I feel falls on her. I am not feeling what I think I should feel for this little girl. I truly thinks if she were to go anywhere she needs to go to a 2 parent house with no other kids and a stay at home mom that can focus all there energy on her. They are making me jump through hoops and feel bad that this is not the right situation for us. I have to think of everyone not just myself or I would take every child in. My family comes first. I need a break my heart aches from all of this and I just need time to heal. Not sure if I want to continue with DHS. Until next time. This must just not be meant to be. At least it doesn't feel like it and I guess everything happens for a reason even though I don't know what the reason is.....

craziness yesturday with my 7 year old girl

2011-08-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

Well Tim has his own business and he had to leave for work early yesterday so he had asked me if I could take off like 2 and a half hours off of work so he didn't have to get the kids up so early to go to camp and the 4 year old day care. Well I asked off and got it. I woke everyone up but 7 year old didn't want to get up. I was nice, I rubbed her shoulder, called her honey and explained she needs to get up so you have enough time to get breakfast. Well I got Justin and the 4 year old dressed and teeth brushed and they were eating there breakfast. I go back up there she had the covers over her head. I told her sternly that she needed to get up right now and I started taking out her clothes. She proceeded with she is not going. Now she loves the camp. When I pick her up she is a jumping jelly bean telling me about her day and she in traduces me to her friends and they all are nice and like her. She loves going but she asks me every night if she has to go and the answer is always yes. Well she decided to test that yesterday morning. For a half hour we went back and forth to get her out of bed. She would refuse. I took away her privileges and snacks. She could have fruit and vegetables but no sweet snacks at all. I tried everything. I pulled her out of bed and started to try to get her clothes on her but then it started to get physical with the pulling and her resisting so I just let go I was not getting it to a physical level. I warned her and told her I was giving her 5 minutes to get dressed and have to teeth brushed and her butt down stairs or she was going in her pajamas. Well needless to say she thought I was kidding even when I came back up and had to pick her up and carry her all the way down the stairs. She tried to run in the bathroom to lock the door but I got to here before that she didn't want to put on her shoes so I picked up her sandals and put them in her bag. She realized when we were in the car I was serious because then she said she will change but honestly she was so mean and got my heart pumping so hard I didn't even think to bring a change of clothes and she can change there and I told her I gave you a chance and you had 40 minutes to get dressed and you choose not to do it you choose to go in pjs and I might be late for work now so we have to leave. She was not happy cried the whole way I had to get her out of the car. I explained to the camp what had happen. I called my mother in law and she dropped off a change of clothes for me. The boys were excellent and like little soldiers then just were ready got themselves in the car. I now think I did the right thing but at the time I didn't think so. I found out I did when I picked them up and the 4 year old started to not listen and she said you better listen to mom because she will not play around. I think she won't do that again. At least I hope not because it rattled me all day. Talk to you soon until my next adventure.

update on the munchkins

2011-08-08T15:29:00.000-07:00

Yes they are still living with us. We are working things out with an instant 3 kids. It is not easy and I know 3 is more then enough for our family. Justin is adapting pretty well. He still has some issues with the little one but is doing much better. I have more issues with the 7 year old just testing me the most she can. She acts like a little premadonna and I am trying to give her a little more of real life. To be a kid but make up and perfume is not right for a 7 year old girl. She has temper tantrums like a teenager and acts like a teenage instead of a 7 year old and I have to constantly remind her she is 7. I also have to constantly explain to both her and Justin that I am the parents and I will make the rules not them telling each other or scolding each other for the rules. 7 year old she just craves attention and I try my best to give it but with 3 kids, a dog, a husband and my new position that demands me to now be at work with no days from home, you can imagine how much time I have just to shower. I don't know how people do it with more then 3 and work it is a crazy schedule but I do it for them and Justin. Justin is so happy with them. The kids already call me mom or mama. I keep reminding them to do it when they feel more comfortable but the social worker explained they never really had a mom and 7 year old and the little guy crave for that mother's love. As far as birth dad he is so far not following the plan and we find out the first of November if the kids will stay or not. Everyone is telling me it is an adoptable situation but you know I have to have a little guard up to protect myself but even though I keep reminding Justin this can be temporary I can tell he is attached.

We had the little guys birthday party yesterday and he loved it. He got Mickey, Cars, and Toy Story and loved it. He had so much fun playing with his siblings.

Today 7 year old girl told me today for the first time she loved me. I was amazed. The kids right now are swimming in the pool. The 4 year old is in his life jacket and floaty and my chair is sitting next to the pool with this on my lap because this is a minute I have that I can share my adventures. They are having a ball singing and enjoying the sun and pool and asking me mom watch me do this and this and now watch me. They are having a great time. Hope you enjoyed the post I will post more when I have more time to share.

update on the kids

2011-08-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

So I am at work on lunch so limited time but kids came over around 6. I have to admit I was so nervous and so was Justin and Tim. They came cute as can be, polite. I know honeymoon phase but the social worker told me they are great and aunt who can't adopt them because of illness prepared them this last week and a half so they were excited when they came. They told me how nice our house was and how they can't wait to live here forever. And the 7 year old girl asked me if she can call me mom and I told her to wait until she feels comfortable but she felt this desire to jump into our family and fit in as if she has always been here which was great she included Justin which was my fear but she was great with him. The little guy who turns 4 next week is also cute as a button and both very outgoing and nice kids. The workers told me 7 year old would be a pleas er because she always is with everyone. But Justin is jealous especially to the 3 year old. He needs more time obviously but Tim is getting all frazzled about how this is going to effect Justin. I told Tim "you asked for kids that didn't have to many issues and they don't. You asked for kids who want to be part of a family not like we are forcing them into the family and they are more then willing to jump in and you asked that Justin not be left out and they get along, the 7 year old always included Justin in everything, was friendly with him and got along it is just Justin was being mean and acting out from jealousy" I explained to Tim. But he doesn't want Justin to regress or anything. I explained to Tim what if I was pregnant then Justin would have to adjust to that how do you think he would feel same way.Tim is a little overwhelmed with 3 kids but like I told him not everyday is going to be like it was last night. Don't get me wrong they slept good and all but we didn't have a routine in place yet and we will work into one and it won't feel so hectic but my husband just worries about Justin and if we can do it all. I just feel this way if it was meant to be it will be. So right now we are there foster home until we decide or the courts bring this to adoption. I will keep you posted. Like my job thus far. I like my new position everything is going well except for the craziness all at once I hope things will turn around and I am sure they will. talk to you soon.

so an update

2011-08-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

Vacation is over and I started my new position or promotion today. I like it but I miss our vacation. I got a call today that said the kids need to be placed today as there care giver and relative goes for her chemo treatment is why she can't adopt them. Well I am nervous as all can be because it was just suppose to be a visit and I have a long day of work tomorrow and haven't planned accordingly and not sure what to do. My head is everywhere they are suppose to be here in 3 hours and I am not prepared at all. I know calm down take a deep breathe but my mother in law offered to help watch them but that is another face for these kids and I got this promotion how is that going to look me not going into work or giving 24 hour notice as we are suppose to and I was thinking day care for the little guy and summer camp with Justin for the older girl since she is old enough to go to it. But is that right either. The worker was suppose to fax me all there info right away so I can register them for school but she hasn't yet and it has been over an hour and the school closes in an hour and a half. I am like a chicken with my head cut off. All over the place. I guess if it was meant to be it will be.

new things to come yeah

2011-07-23T05:32:00.000-07:00

So this is very exciting. I was told a position was open at work for a job I have made my goal for at least 7 years now. I went in for an interview and it went great. I had got the call on Friday I got the promotion. I am so excited. Also we had got a call on 2 kids on Wednesday from DHS. We left for a week vacation yesturday and DHS told us that these kids are going up for adoption but we will meet them when we get back August 1. I still have my lisence with catholic Social Services and I was told to let them know if we got any calls but I have not met them yet so I haven't told them yet. I figured when I meet them August first that I would tell her if these kids seem like they fit with our family. I was on the fence whether to post this as I didn't want her finding out or being upset for not telling her but we just found out then the promotion and then we go up north for the week. I figured enjoy the vacation then figure it all out when we get back. Lots going on. From not having anything going on and nothing to say except for my freak accident with my car but now all at once everything comes. It is nerve racking and exciting at the same time. I am very excited about the promotion and meeting these kids. I wish I could have meet them before we left to get an idea about how this will go. When I mean that I mean that Justin and the kids get along for the most part all kids will argue but that it fits. You just know it fits when it does. I know we felt it with Justin. I am thinking the same thing here. These kids are important but Justin is our number one priority right now until we find out they are ours. I have good feeling though on this one. I am excited and will let you know more when I come back from vacation and I meet them and tell Catholic Social Service once all happens. Wish me luck. :)

continuation from prior post on car attack

2011-07-11T06:19:00.000-07:00

It has been a while

2011-07-11T05:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been so long. We have been so busy with summer now here. We have been going up north every weekend and just has a day summer camp her goes to. No we don't have any foster kids in the home but just waiting for that call we all know can come at any moment and gods way of telling me this was what was suppose to happen for you. I had a call about 2 month again on a 7 month old but when I called them back to say yes they already found a family which was a bummer.I only took less then 5 minutes to give them an answer and now I learned I need to give them an answer on the spot even though it changes our whole life in a secound.

Justin is doing good. He loves going up north and he loves his day summer program at the school. On Tuesday they go on field trip and Wednesday bowling and Thursday swimming at the city pool. I only take him there 3 days a week. I could take him 5 but why when I am home on Monday and and get home by 11:30 on Friday's. It is nice for him though so that he can play with kids his own age. It gets him out and get him to stop begging for a sibling to play with now that it is summer adn he is home so I thought it was a good idea. At first my husband thought it was a waste of money since My mother in law can watch Justin on Tusday and Justin could stay home with me when I work from home but that is hard to do when you work from home and Justin doesn't understand that I have to work he wants me to constanly play and I can't tell him go out side and play because he has no one to play with and I can't go an play when I work from home I have to get in 11 and 12 hours in in those 2 days. When Tim picked him up at camp he saw that Justin had a blast and it changed his tone about the camp.

Tim and I have been pretty good. I did have to go to another baby shower yesturday and as those who will not get to experience them it is not always easy to go to them. And for some really intersting story that will be hard for you to believe. We had got a call this Saturday night while up north that a pit bull was attacking my car. I know crazy right. We didn't understand the call either from an across the street neighbor. We had left to come come home 3 hours away because we wanted to know what was going on and that sounded like a crazy story. It was 1:10 in the morning by the time we got home and my car was trashed. The pitbull that we have no idea where it came from or whose it could be tore up my car. He was locked in our cage in our backyard my neighbor through a bone and food in there to lor it in and when we got home the pit bull was in there. For my car: the bumper was ripped off around the wheels where the paint was bitten and bent all up and claw marks and bit mards where all over my car. My mirrors will have to be replaced. I could not believe a pitbull whould attack a car number one and be able to do the damage it did to my vehilce. The dog barked all night we called animal control but since it was 1:30 in the morning they said they were short handed and it could take 3 hours well we were tired and jsut wanted to go to bed. We called the next morning the police could not believe what she saw she even call on other police to see my car and they couldn't. beleive it. She took pictures and wrote us a police report and as she was there the dog almost excaped our fence he had bitten a whole in the fence and moved out fence like a foot from where it was suppose to be. This was crazy we are waiting for our insurance to call us as we e-mailed in our claim. See pictures for this crazy story. Scary enough was god forbid we were home and Justin was outside like he usually is. fewwwww

What my Decision was on the procedure

2011-06-06T08:39:00.000-07:00

So up until yesterday I thought I was having the endometrial ablation done. Well I have been asking my husband to look at the pentathlete for the procedure for week and do you think he did no. No that is until yesterday he decided to pick it up and he told me no he didn't want me having it. I was shocked because number 1 that he read about it and 2 because he told me no.

He stated that we have not used protection in how many years and this procedure you need to use protection or if the off chance I were to get pregnant that it is life threatening to myself as well as a baby. I guess when we read about it more online about what it has done to others who were as young as myself they would get pregnant not know they were pregnant because a lot of the times you don't get a period with the procedure the baby dies of course in most cases because there is no lining in the uterus since burned away by procedure and people have dies from the poisoning in there blood stream and issues with the other organs. I told my husband but what are our chances of that ever happening and he says with our luck it would happen and he didn't want to take any chances because he couldn't live with himself it did happen. So I am not going through with it. Not sure what else to do about the problems like the bleeding and spotting and painful periods. Right now I am just on birth control and was planning on being on it for a few months and getting off hope it regulated it.

Okay so this weekend is the match party coming up. My mother in law keeps telling me to not consider any sibling groups because she thinks that will effect Justin as the siblings will have a strong bond to one another and Justin will feel left out and it might hurt him. Any one have any thoughts on this? I am not sure if I am thinking the right way and is she correct? Not sure and was wondering about suggestions. Thanks

This is a life changing decision

2011-06-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

Well I have been thinking about having endometrial ablation done. I have been thinking about it the last few months. I have really bad cramps and heavy bleeding with my periods and I spot for like a week or 2 sometimes before my period. This has been since I was 16 that I had been cramping so bad the pain would make me throw up. It is hard because I feel like when I know my period is coming that I won't be able to do anything. It came this memorial day weekend but luckily my friend gave me some of her nuproxen to get me through the weekend so I was not in bed with the heating pad.

My husband and I 2 weeks ago got into it a little because some personal things that he didn't tell me as he told me he didn't want to hurt my feeling because I am always bleeding and obviously that means I don't have sex. Sorry to get so personal and I didn't want to but this is another piece of the puzzle as to why I am thinking about this. I felt worse when he told me because I feel like I couldn't have a kid for him and now I can't even have sex because of this horrible spotting.

I have tried the pill and it makes it better but once I get off it goes back to the way it is a 2-3 month. I don't want to stay on the pill my whole life I feel tired on it and gain wait or can't loose any. I also don't want to increase my chance of cancer.

I went to the doctor and they said everything is normal like the infertility specialist has said and every other doctor but he noticed my endometiral lining was borderline in size meaning that my body doesn't shed like you do when you have a period like it is suppose to so my uterus keeps contracting to get it to shed when it hasn't and that is why I spot and cramp so bad. Finally I have an answer. The way you fix it is hormone therapy. Well that means the pill and that is not what I want the rest of my life.

The doctor scheduled my endometrial biopsy for Monday and he has to do that before he will do the procedure. The doctor just kept telling me you do this you will never have an opportunity to have any kids. I know that but what life is it to live like this all the time. Life on my period. I am not having any kids anyway. My husband says if that is what I want to do that is fine but that he doesn't want me to be upset with my decision. I know I will always morn the loss of not experiencing child birth but I think I am not in that stage of my life. Doctor still wants me to think about this but I have for month my husband just makes me almost doubt myself like we might have a chance and I thought we were on the same page that ship has sailed. My husband told me he would want me to be pregnant for me and to see me happy. I told him I wanted to know what he felt. He said he is perfectly happy with Justin and only want to have or adopt another one for Justin and I. My mind is now all over. I am all for it but now my mother in law heard I was thinking about this and she is upset and thinks I need to give it more time. I am over it but I don't think everyone else understands what I go through with these periods and already morning the loss of not getting pregnant. Please tell me what you think. I know you can't make the decision for me and it is my decision but I just want some input. What would you do if you were me?

What been happening

2011-05-21T05:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been a while but not to much has been happening except a health scare for a moment. I went in for my ob/gyn appointment and was told he wanted me to go in for a mammogram for the lump I have had on my breast since I was 21. I had an ultrasound done at 21 when I first found it but they said they just thought it was dense breast tissue. So I was concerned why all of a sudden now we are testing. Well I got a call the mooring of the mammogram telling me that I was to young to have a mammogram done because of my age and that breast tissue at this age is so dense it is hard to see. So they re-scheduled me for an ultrasound.

I came in for the ultrasound and the lady told me not to change and to wait to hear from the radiologist I started to be a little nervous then she came in and told me they decided to do the mammogram after all. I went in for that waited also and then she came back in to tell me she needed an additional view and then to wait for the radiologist. She came back in and told me the radiologist wanted me to go for another ultrasound so I did and at that point she had asked me if I was told to go for x-ray or anything and I was then getting really nervous. Asking myself what did they find why am I getting bounced around as I waited for the radiologist to tell them what was next my eye's started to tear up. I couldn't help it and maybe I shouldn't think the worst but when you are in the scenario you can't help it. She came in to tell me they can't see the mass even though they can feel it. It is like 1 cm. It is a dense size. She said the radiologist feels comfortable sending you home. Then I get a call from my ob/ gyn to see a surgeon and then I got all nerved up again. I went to see him he felt it looked at the films and told me not to worry it was just density and that my breast on that side is like that and that he says not to worry about it. Fewww I was relieved. Now I this process was about 3 weeks are worrying. It felt like forever to me.

On a more positive note. I am thinking about going to a match party. They are having one in Michigan for children ages 6-17 and I figured I would go. I know when I started this process I only wanted an infant then was thinking about older. Now I am thinking 0-10 but we will see what happens. Who knows we might go there and really like a 12 or 13 year old. I put it for 0-10 because I didn't want the child to out of Justin's age range so they can still play and grow up with one another and still be able to create memories. I want Justin to go as a good indicator of if this child matches with Justin if they can get along and be life long friends. I want Justin to be comfortable about this situation too because to many kids can't handle kids that are younger them in the house and Justin is our top priority. We will see what happens I will tell you after June 11 which is the day. I have never been to one of these before so I don't know what I am in for but I am eager to let my heart lead the way.

Call last night

2011-05-04T03:18:00.000-07:00

So we got a call last night from protective health service about 4 children that needed a home and a possible adoptive family. It was 8:45 at night and we just laid down in bed after putting Justin down. I know it was early it was early to go to bed for us too but we have this sinus thing that are heads feel so heavy they feel like exploding so we decided to sleep it off.

Sorry getting back we got the call my husband picked up and we had to say no. It hurts to know there are kids out there that need family's and I don't want to separate kids for my own selfishness. They should be together but 4 kids all under the age of 5. Few that would be a huge task for anyone let alone us who are only wanting 1-2 more. I had trouble going back to sleep last night just hoping they found a family for these kids. This is hard to get calls like that and know it is out of my range of what I know I can do. Foster care and the calling process is hard. You want to help and save them all and you can't. Your only own person.

I found a possible connection

2011-05-01T07:11:00.000-07:00

So this lady I have been becoming close with because Justin and her children she adopted went to school together and are now in kindergarten together. She know a lady she is friends with that has adopted 4 kids from foster care and now she wants to foster to adopt and hopefully find good homes for these kids if they need to be adopted. My friend told her I was interested and she said she has 2 now that she is finishing her adoption of and 1 other child but that she will see what she hears and as she is good friends with the people at dhs. I hate to say it but dhs in our county it about politics. I have been told by Justin's social worker when he had one and by people who use to work there. They work with the people who are willing to foster and take the kids that they call on all the time over people like myself who are interested in fostering to adopt. I have been told if they offer a child to you and you state that they are not a good match or you are not willing to take them or if you take to long in your desion to take them that they will not call you for a while. That is hard. I feel like this connection could be great. This lady is the reason my friend was able to adopt the 2 kids. This women said she will let me meet them but will have me come in as a friend of hers as to not shack up the kids or make them feel like they are being picked or anything like that. And that is not my intent at all. I just want to see how we connect. That child will be living in your house the rest of your life and if you take them in and it doesn't work then that is another loss to the child that I don't want happening. I would love to meet the child with my family and she how the interaction is. Well this is a hope at least. I feel like I at least have one person on the inside looking out for me and she will be able to tell me the truth on any issues the kids may have so that I am prepared. I know when I have been called from dhs they don't tell you everything for the hope you will just take them in because they can't find a place for them.

I feel good about this and hope it works out. I am really tring to shake this but I still think about those kids I said no about taking. I still wonder how they are and if they found a family for all 3 of the kids. I hate this guilty feeling I feel. I know we could have tried to make it work but my husband was so strong on no I knew I couldn't change his mind. I am trying my best to just pray for them and hope they found a family so that I don't keep thinking about them.

Easter Celebration.

2011-04-25T06:01:00.000-07:00

Three generations of papa, dad and justin working together to put his puzzle he got on easter together.

More gift for Justin from the family he is so loved and spoiled by so many that he has touched.

A sweet moment with grandpa after he had hide some eggs for Justin at there house.

My sister in laws dog who is practicly there child stops to pose as the easter bunny.

Before church looking for easter eggs outside

He found the basket and some eggs inside.

In the morning we did the Easter egg hunt inside then got dressed did the easter egg hunt outside. Had us all take a shower to be ready for church at 9:30 which Justin did give me a little bit of a hard time but I had to remind him how important the day was and how dad is even going as a family to celebrate Jesus. He did great at the church.

We came home to watch a DVD Justin got for easter from the easter bunny together. Then I baked some cookies and cut some vegetables to take over to Grandma and papa's house. Justin couldn't wait to go over there to show grandma what he got her for easter and her birthday and I think he knew they hide some easter eggs for him at there house. Enjoy some cute pictures of the day I tried to capture. If I was allowed to take a picture in the church I would have of Justin singing it was too cute.

Happy Easter

2011-04-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

I know it is early but if I don't do it now I will not get to it between going to church (and yeah my husband is going too and justin is so excited we are going to church as a family not just me and him) and then doing the easter egg hunt and his basket and over Tim's mom's house for easter and her birthday. Her birthday landed on Easter this year Kinda crazy but cool. Hear are some pictures I took of him in his easter attire this moring below hope you like.

Please by the way pray for those three kids that they are having a good Easter and that maybe they get to spend it together for there sake. I can't stop thinking of them and just wish them the best.
I am so lucky to have this little boy. Look how happy he is. He was such a ham when I took these pictures.

Made the desion on Monday and it still hurts

2011-04-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

So I told them no on Monday to taking all 3 kids or splitting all 3 kids which ever way you look at it and it still hurts. I think about them and wonder if they found a home for them. I thought this would be easy without ever meeting them and putting a face to these kids. I have never meet them or anything before but my heart still aches for them. I have said no before but it never felt like this. I say no and think about them the rest of the day but then try to push them out of my head so that I don't dwell like I am now about them. This time my mind just keeps going while I can tell my husband is totally different and has thought about it again since saying no. I don't know why this is and if anyone else has felt this but it is bothering me and I wanted to share.

One of the hardest decisions

2011-04-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

This was one of the more difficult decisions I had to make. It was like a double edge sword, doomed if I do and doomed if I don't. I know DHS was really counting on me taking these kids but it did kind of hurt that they lied to me in such a sneaky way. I have decided not to take the children. It was really hard. I would like to thank Savannah and Kelly for your input it really helped and put things in perspective and gave me support and something to think about. I didn't really share this with friends or family and I know they just wouldn't understand they would think I was crazy for even considering it so I wasn't going to tell them anything unless we took the kids in. I didn't want the negative comments I wanted supportive comments on pros and cons and what others would do in my situation. You all understand because you want to adopt and have a love for kids as I do. Most of the people in my world never have adopted or even considered it or even had infertility issues so they don't know what this is like. I really wanted to take these kids in but my husband was not on board for having a total of 4 children especially all at once. We have to agree together and I know it was a stretch for him to consider having 3 let alone 4. Also we wouldn't have room in either one of our vehicles to hold a family of 6. Only for a family of 5 and not room for the kids to have there own space that I think they deserve to have. I can make room for 3 kids but 4 is a stretch. I felt like if I didn't take them I would feel bad about it and let these kids down even though they didn't know about us. If I took them I would feel bad even if it works out that they would be separated because of us not willing to take the 10 year old as well. My husband kind of felt bad too and even considered taking in just the 10 year old but like I told him it is the same situation as us taking the younger two as they would need a place for all 3 and if we are not willing then we shouldn't as I don't want these kids to be separated they have been through enough and deserve each other. I pray there is a person out there that can open there heart and soul to these children and take all 3 in as I can't separate them. Thank all though for the support and hopefully another opportunity will arise and I can share with you. :)

something to think about Please tell me what you think about the info now

2011-04-16T14:08:00.000-07:00

Thank you Savannah and Kelly. I appreciate the help and kind words. This is hard. Just to give you a little bit more info just so you have an idea Justin is 6 and the girl is 6 and the boy is 4 and we were told he needs constant supervision and the 10 year old is a girl. Yes Kelly the situation you were talking about, about the 10 year old separated right now due to 1 not being able to find a home for all 3 at the time and 2 the 10 year old wasn't being a kid and was watching the younger and taking more of a parenting role. But it sounds like ultimate goal is to keep together so although they don't have a place for 3 now say in a year or so when they are adoptable then they can be taken away if we don't agree to take all 3. My husband only ever wanted 2 kids and I always wanted 3. He is pretty firm on 2 but I was able to talk him into the possibility of 3 because I told him I can have a girl like I always wanted and Justin can have a little boy to play with too and Justin ever since we did respite care for the 2 little kids in September who were 2 and 3 he wanted a brother and a sister so bad. So asking my husband to bend to take in 4 kids I don't think I can do that. Before I posted earlier today I realized that DHS really tried to pull a fast one on me that really made me mad. My social worker asked me in March which is the one I posted in March on my blog about the 3 kids but we had to say no. These are the 3 kids. I didn't realize that until 3 hours ago. My social worker e-mailed me about 3 kids last march and I said no because I wouldn't take 3 more kids in. I told her to keep an eye out on a possible adoptable situation for 1-2 kids between the ages of 0-8 years old. Well on Tuesday she had another worker call me on the 2 younger kids to adopt not telling me that these were the same ones she asked me about in March because she probably didn't want to me to tie together and wanted me to fall in love with these kids and then feel I had to take in the 10 year old in order to keep the 2 younger and that just makes me so mad. She knows what I told her. I tied it together 3 hours ago because on Friday when I was told the 10 year old name I knew I heard her name before and it is very unique and I couldn't figure out where I heard it. All of a sudden it hit me. I went to the computer and pulled up the e-mail she sent in March and guess what it was these kids same names date of birth and all. I felt totally duped. My goal is adoption not foster care. I feel she is setting me up to fail. I don't know how many people adopt all 3 but it does make me feel bad that all 3 siblings are not together. I hope this helps give you a bit more clarity of the situation to help me with some advice. I appreciate all input weather you have had the situation or not I would love to hear from all angles. This is a huge decision. I know you can't give me an answer but something to think about would help greatly. I have prayed, cried and everything else about these kids. I was ready to take them until the news yesterday that shook me up and made my husband mad and not even want to deal with DHS because the deceit and lying. I did e-mail my social worker after I realized what she did to kind of find out where her head was at when she split the kids for me. Not sure what to think but as you can see my head is spinning. Thank you so much for the input. It is so greatly appreciated.

We need your HELP situation with some kids came up and not sure what to do

2011-04-16T05:40:00.001-07:00

I got a call on Tuesday that there are 2 kids that can be very possible adopted as birth mom has not tried on bit to get the kids back and in 3 month they will determine that this should go to termination. This sounded very promising and it was a boy and a girl 6 and 4. I can't give much more information on them but I was very interested and they were at a foster home that was not through DHS but subcontracted out so I had to sign some paper work on Thursday that I would follow this subcontractors rules since they are a little more strict then DHS because they are held to a higher standard because they are a private agency. So we signed the paper work and talked a bit and we told her our intent to foster to adopt then she asked if we were willing to foster the 10 year old sibling that is at another foster home. I didn't even know that there was another sibling. I was taken back because now that changes things. I told her would would only take in 1-2 more kids because we already had Justin. She said okay because if this does become an adoptable situation then we would be looking for a family to adopt all 3 and if we find one they would be taken away from you to got to a home for them. Now I am totally agreeing that siblings should stay together especially when they have meet and know each other but I am not willing to have 4 kids with Justin. I think having 2 more kids is going to be hard enough let alone 3.This really sounds like an adoptable situation. I told them since these kids have been moved several time why don't they then look for a family that will be willing to take in all 3. She said because they don't have any. If they don't find any by the time these kids are available for adoption then we will get to adopt the 2 and do visitation with the 10 year old. I have to decide by Monday and I don't know what to do Please Help! I need to make a desion. Do I take in these 2 kids and hope that I can adopt them but then I feel horrible for the 10 year old or do I pass on this. I can't just think of Tim and I but Justin. He really wants a sibling but I don't want to keep these kids in our home for say a year and then they are adoptable and because we were not willing to take in 3 more kids that we lose them and we would be attached but I don't want that to effect Justin with people in and out of his life when he is doing really good. I am so torn. We were already to take these 2 kids in we had things planned out what we wanted to do with sleeping arrangement and how to decorate and all then come to find out DHS didn't tell us everything (big surprise) and it tosses everything in the air. Please tell me what you would do in this scenario. thanks you so much I need some help preferably by Monday so I can tell them what we decided.

Infertility why?

2011-04-04T05:17:00.000-07:00

Just to end from my last post, no we did not take in the 3 more children making it 4 children. I really wanted to but if my husband was against it we both have to be on board. Justin was bumd but hopefully another situation will come. I have to talk about infertility today because I found out one of our friends is pregnant for the second time. On the first try she got pregnant with her daughter and now she wanted another and got pregnant the same month she tried again and just announced to us on Saturday she was. I thought this time if anyone had announced they were pregnant I would be happy for them and not have those feelings I has the first time she and all my other friends announced they were pregnant. I will be 30 this year and almost all our friends have babies and are now rounding me with there seconds and while I still have my one and never was able to know what if feels like to go through a pregnancy. PLEASE PLEASE don't get me wrong at all. I LOVE just with all my heart and would not give that up for anything but that feeling still hits a nerve. She announced it and the rest of the day I had my husband asking me what was wrong. I kept telling him I am fine. My husband is awesome he tries to point out that we have Justin and that is what we always wanted why am I acting like this. I don't know what I was acting like exactly because I just felt like I was walking in a fog.It just hit a nerve when it was announced and I don't know why. I truly and honestly do not want to be pregnant I am over that. I truly am. But that feeling still came back when it was announced like a pit in my stomach that nerve we just struck and I wasn't mad at her and I was happy for her that she didn't have to struggle like I did but it still kind of hurt. To make this go full circle. I know why I couldn't get pregnant because I would never have had Justin. If I never had Justin I don't know if I would have found my way back to God and the church. I have lost him for a while. When my dad was sick I prayed and went to the church for holy water to sprinkle on my dad. After he died a peace of me went to heaven with him that I feel I never really got back and that I am not the same person as I was before he passed and I think that also has to do with I don't have any other family that is there for me but my husband and son and his family. But then again they are his family so if there is any disagreement I need to talk to them because I am upset with my husband there is no one to talk to because we all know what sides they will take and I would never let my son decide. So I felt alone like god took the only person that was on my side the only person that could save me if I needed, the only person that was my dad the one I looked up to my friend. He was all those wrapped in one and that was gone and I felt kind of empty and angry with god. My anger only grew when we tried to get pregnant now it will almost be 6 years and then the infertility was brutal and I felt like I lost some kids when I went through in vetro. It was earth shattering and I went to a very dark place. I didn't do anything bad but my thought were so bad I had to be strong enough to pull myself out of that. I did then the adoption road was some what of a long struggle and frustrating first wanting a baby and none coming to having a 4 year old unexpectedly come into our lives. I am grateful for a lot. This year we decided his adoption was finial we have all his paper work we will baptise him so I started to go to church with him and feel better and feel happy again. I started helping out at church and going to the soup kitchen and helping out there it felt good. Why do I have this nerve that gets struck if I feel I am in a good place and over being pregnant. Sorry getting back to full circle we go to church yesterday and guess who is in front of us, our friends who told us they were pregnant. As we confessed our sins I kept telling god please let this feeling go away I am sorry for having this upset feeling with them and there announcement I just want to be completely happy for them and mean it. Of course I sat with them and tried to hardest to not show nothing was wrong but it sill a little awkward. I don't know why. I wished it would go away. Then the pastor said had a casket in the middle of the church and said anyone ever have an elephant in the room like this one and know they had to say something but couldn't. I was like my goodness what am I to do. I don't want to say anything like that. It would hurt there feelings and they are excited they just started telling people. When we got up to leave I just told them both so happy I was for them and gave them a hug. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but it felt like it at the time. WHY DOES INFERTILITY HAVE TO BE SO HARD.

My heart feels torn

2011-03-16T16:58:00.000-07:00

I first wanted to start by thanking everyone for there feed back on my last post. We did decide Justin should be baptised at Lutheran. We figured what is best for him and if he has friends with the kids and the teachers and pastor there, he should go there because that is were he is most comfortable and this is about him. They do so many kids activities and get the kids involved in their spirituality at such an early age it is awesome. I do think they do a great job and are so family and child oriented it was great. Thank you so much for the support and feedback.

Now, getting back to why I am posting, I had got an e-mail from my social worker about 3 kids. Now our licence states 3 kids 0-10. Now with Justin this would make 4. These three kids at 11, 7 and 4. Then I would have Justin who is 6. My husband (Tim) is so stressed out when I feel bad and want to take in these kids he tells me I am crazy. He always says how would we do that with us both working who would ever want to baby sit for 4 kids we have enough trying to find someone to watch Justin he states. I just know these kids need a family in Michigan and I don't know where they are going or who they are going to and I know how I am and what I can offer them. It tears my heart apart because my husband and I are not on the same page and I know that is important. When we got the call about Justin at the time my husband was questioning and stating he thought Justin might have been to old for us as we at the time were thinking infant and look at what happened. But then at the same time we both work full time and how would we fit 6 in my car or Tim's truck. We would go from a family of 3 to 6 and that scares Tim. Not only that but the 2 older at female and I know that makes my husband hesitate.

I have to let my social worker know what I think tomorrow and I am just torn. My husband says no and if it was up to me I would say yes but I also am one to say yes to animals when need a home so my husband has to help keep me in line some what but when it comes to kids in the system I want to help. I never would guess I would even think about 4 but they are kind of older they are not babies. It might just be a no though because my husband doesn't seem to be giving much at all. He said he couldn't parent that many kids. He said he would take one maybe 2 max if we got a call. This is hard for me. Thank you for reading and letting me express me feelings.

contraversial topic but need opinion

2011-03-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

I know religion is controversial and I don't usually like to talk about religion on my blog as to not preach to push any of my beliefs on anyone so I am going to try to make this as light as possible.

OK this is a topic that has come up since we found out that Justin was going to be ours forever. I am Catholic and I have been Baptised, made my communion and confirmation. My Husband is Baptist not practicing. When we got married we said we would raise our kids Catholic as I was and Tim didn't practice and didn't mind what I wanted to do.

Well we also at the time thought we were going to get pregnant and have a baby then that didn't happen. We thought when we would adopt it would be an infant and that didn't happen.

God obviously had a different plan for us that was for the best even thought we couldn't see it at the time.

Well those plans were different we were able to adopt our wonderful son Justin at the age of 4 turning 5 when he came into our home. Well at the time he wasn't ready for Kindergarten and his teacher in Kindergarten told us that she thought he would do best in small 5's at Immanuel Lutheran church. Well even though it was a church that was not my religion I heard it was the best schools so I brought him there. They were awesome. He learned so much and there were very kid friendly. They taught the kids about what they would learn in kindergarten but also taught him about god and the Lutheran religion. He made a lot of friends and was very comfortable with the church. I feel he needs a religion and he like Immanuel Lutheran church and when I brought him to the Catholic church for a service he was not very good there and had trouble sitting still. They really were not as kid friendly as the Lutheran church. The Lutheran church brought him on stage with other kids incorporated the kids in the service and kind of made it funny and light hearted as they taught the kids about the religion.

My husband is not helping me in what I should do. He really never I am Catholic and this shouldn't be a big deal but I don't want Justin to feel he doesn't have the same religion as Tim and I. As we would all have a different religion. I just want to do what is best for Justin. I am not sure what that is. Do I go on my beliefs or is that close minded and selfish or do I bring him to a church he is familiar and happy with because that is best for him. I am just not sure and wanted some input. I want what is best for Justin and need some help on what you would do if you were me. I know religion is your belief and what is best for you but I is not for me it is for Justin. I am leaning toward the Lutheran church since he liked it there and made friends with many there as well as the pastor. We had went there for the 10 months he was there.

I want to have him baptized but where at. I need to make a desion for Justin on what religion now that he is officially adopted and we have all the documentation since we needed that documentation to have him baptized I need to make this happen. We say our prayers every night and he asks many questions about God and religion and heaven and a bunch of questions I sometimes don't know how to explain.

Justin has been very scared about death. Not his death but Tim and I dying. He asks many questions about my dad and why he dies young and I try to explain the best I can. I explain about heaven and that we will all see each other there but then he says why don't we just die now so we can also be with your dad. It is so hard to explain especially to him especially when it is about my dad. He really wish he meet my dad. He has told me so many time before. I try to put his mind at ease that nothing will happen to us and we will always be there for him and that he has many family members that love him and will always be there.

I am 29 years old and will admit I have lost my way with my faith since my dad but since Justin has come into my life I have wanted to change that. I also want to help with poor and underprivileged. I am trying to look for places in my area where I can donate my time and help people that are less fortunate. I am very serious about this and want to do my part. Thank you for letting me explain me situation and please be polite. I know about religion and how people get very hot and bothered about the topic and I just want input on what to do. Thank you

Peace and harmony

2011-02-22T17:28:00.000-08:00

I am sorry but I haven't had much to report except we have been doing great. I was going to post about it to see what others would do. The issue is Justin has these sudden outburst that are uncontrollable. We have been trying to make sure Justin take control of his actions and to not lie or blame others and fess up. Well 2 Sunday's ago he lied and looked me right in the eyes and Tim and just kept saying he didn't do it. The bad thing to say is he is a good lier. He can look you dead in the eye and not flinch which is kind of scary for only being 6.

Well we got him to admit he lied and we told him he had to go in the corner for his time out and he went ballistic. I mean screaming so loud at the top of his lungs in your face and his face we red as all can be and he was steaming. He has gone in time out many times and we are consistent on time out he knows he has to go if he lies, if he hits or tries to cause any harm (bite, scratch etc), if he doesn't listen when we give him a warning or if he is in the yellow or red at school. He knows this and we are always consistent on it and we stick to our guns every time as to not cause mix messages.

Well he lied and just went absolutely crazy. He was like I said screaming "your putting me in time out for not reason," "I am not going in time out I didn't do anything" after he just admitted he lied. We were trying to explain to him and we did explain when we told him that for lying to us you get 6 minutes in time out so it was clear as to why he was going there but he didn't want to hear it. We picked him up to put him in time out and I mean he was just in attack mode. We tried everything talking to him to calm him down before putting him in time out, my husband tried holding him he just wouldn't have it finally I thought of what a blog friend from "Twist and Shout" said she would put him in a cold shower until he calmed down because he was explosive. I tried and that only added to the fire he was so irate that he started getting so worked up he was screaming then hyperventilating we were giving him water to calm down we were telling him to breathe he just didn't stop shouting and fighting with us even when we tried a hug. I finally just threw my hand in the air after 2 hours of emotions and walked away and just didn't answer to the behavior because I couldn't. I didn't know what more to do and my blood pressure I could feel was rising. He then seemed to start to calm down. He gave my husband and I a hug and said he was sorry. I told him that was okay and that I love him but that he still has to go in time out for what he did and went no problem. The rest of the night he was snugly and cuddly.

Right after that happen he has been awesome ever since. Are family feels as peace and harmony. I feel like we just had a great weekend. We went up to Mount Pleasant and enjoyed the in door pool and out door Jacuzzi, and we had some fun at the arcade with Justin. He was on great behavior. Of course had warnings like any kid but just was nice to feel calm and fresh and having fun. It was a breath of fresh air.

We went to the doctor yesterday and I am proud to say Justin is caught up with him immunizations till he is 12. Yeah. I don't know if I told you but bio mom signed for Justin not to have any immunizations the first 5 years of his life so when DHS found out that right were terminated last February we started doing him immunizations. It has been a year and lots of shots and doctor visits but after a year we are finally caught up. The poor little guy. I felt so bad. He is terrified to see the doctor because of all the shots and procedures done on him. I felt bad holding him down for the shots. I knew it is for the best but he is not a baby he remembers this and has had many upon many immunizations in 1 year he had to be caught up to a 6 year old. It was a lot like 4-5 shots a time. His poor little legs and arms. But we spoiled him with any where he wanted to go out to eat and he got a $3 monster truck and he was pretty happy.

We just love him so much and couldn't imagine our lives without him in it. Even when it is the worst of times we get through it together and stand strong and work it out to make it the best of times. Our favorite thing to do is go in his room when he is sleeping and give him a kiss. He is such a hard sleeper and he moves around and it is so cute. He is growing up to fast and I know I am going to miss it and mom can't treat he like a baby he tells me so the only time I can is when he is sleeping. I just love to watch how precious he is when he sleeps and think God thank you for giving me this miracle. He has changed out lives forever and for the better and I can't thank you enough. He is our little gift from God. He has such a sense of humor, and loving way about him and he makes us laugh all the time and the things he says. We love him to death and would do absolutely anything for him. He is our whole world. I feel like we have come full circle.

Back from our Florida trip of fun

2011-02-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

We had a lot of fun in Florida. It was a well deserved vacation. I need the break from work and life in general just to enjoy our time as a family with out the interruption. We stayed at my in laws for 5 days then a Disney resort and it was awesome. I did see my mom and brother. I do have a little bit of negative to say about that. They got to my in laws house at 10 am and we had plans to go to Sea World. We they got lost so we got to Sea World around 11:15-11:30 with myself, Justin, my mom and brother. We had fun with Justin and around 2 my mom was asking if we could leave because she has to work tomorrow. She does start work at 5 in the bakery but it was 2:00 and she lives 1hours and 10 minutes away and only got to see us one day in a year. I said but Justin is having fun but she said both her and my brother had to work and that because they drove to see me and they have to drive home and they got lost asked if I could drive them home. Sure I got us to my in laws with the GPS help. We got to my in laws (who I consider more of my family they have always been there for me) and they asked my mom and brother if they wanted pizza for dinner and my mom and brother just wanted to go and my mom couldn't wait to see Curtis her husband and so they left it was like 3:30. She did mess up on something that I don't think she caught. When we had argued prior about her not seeing me she blamed it on not having vacation time and all this other stuff. Well she told me her vacation time was being used to go to New York for that wedding. Well when we (my mother in law and myself) were talking to her she slept and said she has a week vacation left because she knew her husband would be mad if she used her 1 week vacation on that wedding. Well that means she has another week vacation, you think she would even think about spending any of that time with my family who she saw for a total of 5 hours in a year when she sees and does stuff with her husband all the time. My husband always says what do you expect you know how your mom is but I would have thought after arguing with me that I wasn't going to see her and then I made it work so she would that she would think of us but no. Another thin that upset me was when we were in the car coming home Justin wanted to play and she kept complaining that she was tired and she didn't want to play and she just pretended to sleep. She sees Justin one time a year for 5 hours she couldn't just play with him in the car. If she is human she is going to regret this when he is older and wants nothing to do with her the way she is with him. I swear he was not being annoying or pushy or anything she just didn't want to play. She just wanted to have adult conversation and you can't always do that with a little one. OK we are done with that negative and thanks for letting me vent that out. Here are some pictures at Sea World.

This was Justin's favorite part. He loved the stingrays. He loved touching them and them splashing at him. He had such a blast feeding them and didn't want to leave them it was so cute.
Here's the dolphins Justin was in amazement of them I couldn't even get him to look at me for a picture because he was so amazed by them.

This is my brother, mom, Justin, myself and Tim when we got back from Sea World around 3:30 before they left we took a family picture.
This was us at the resort and Justin catching the rays and trying to get a tan. How cute is he?

This was cool the Lego store in Florida made a huge lego of Woody from Toy Story. Here Justin trying on a pair of Mickey ears.
Grandma's orange tree.
Disney castle. Family picture
We had a great time and lots of fun. Justin didn't want to come home he pretended to sleep in our suitcase. It was cute had to take his picture.

On a ruff patch

2011-01-14T15:33:00.000-08:00

He hasn't been good this week. The listening skills have been terrible and now he is doing something weird to his face that we brought him back to his eye doctor on Monday and he gave us drops thinking maybe it was an infection in his eye that he couldn't see that was causing him to make this face as if he had a stroke. It is kind of scary. If after 10 days he continues to make the face then we will have to bring him to a neurologist. I pray it isn't anything serious. We are also unfortunately getting him tested for ADHD. We think this may be a possibility of his issues. I have been told I have been denying that he has that problem but I just don't want to drug up my kid. I want him to still have spunk about him but I also want him to be able to control himself.

We will see what happens. We don't have an appointment till February. I just don't know what to do anymore so I figured lets get him tested to rule it out. I didn't like when I looked it up that he had every single thing on there. I hope I was just looking to far into it and he doesn't have it. But the sudden outbursts and him crying for no reason and not knowing why. Or just snapping on a dime at you and later can't explain why he did it. The weird part about it though is he is just so smart. He would be brilliant if he could just listen to the teacher and stop getting into trouble and that is why I am getting him tested. It is the hardest thing. I don't want him to be labeled if he is but I feel it has to be done so he can get to his full potential and so that our family can be sane. It is a rocky boat. The teacher asked me today if we were planning to adopt again and I said yes we want to. Then she asked if we have kids in our neighborhood and told her we don't have a neighborhood we live in the country on 6 acres of land with farm land around us so no kids. Then she asked if there are other kids in the family and I told her know his second cousin is the next Youngest at 17 years old so he is the only child. When I was talking to her she thought his talking with other kids was getting out of control and she thinks he gets so excited to talk to other kids because he doesn't get to. I told her I try to set up play dates but there are maybe 2 or 3 a month because I work Tim works and the parents don't want to drive all the way to see us and it is a bit of a hassle because it isn't close to our home but we do it for him. She doesn't know why he tends to have a listening problem like he can't sit still and listen he will get into mastiff. We will see what happened.

On a positive we are leaving for Florida on Jan 21 next Friday in a week and so excited for a vacation we need it. Work and issues we have been having with Justin just need to relax and have fun in the sun. I can't wait.

Also on Wednesday I got a call from a lawyers office I had not been to in two years. I went because I was interested in adopting an older child at the time in another state. Well the lawyer told me I had a retainer fee of $12,000 to him and then I would have to pay to go to this state and to pay the other adoption places fees and it was racking up the money fast so he I declined and he said he would keep our birth mom letter and if a birth mom chooses us then we can adopt that way and it would be cheaper. Well guess what, now over 2 years later we get a call. Birth mom is 9 weeks pregnant this is her 3rd adoption and she is going to be evicted from her house and we would have to pay $2,400 for her to keep her place and then $1,200 a month until the baby is 6 weeks and then we still have a $12,000 retainers we have to pay the attorney plus pay for her attorney and then we have to buy all this stuff when the baby come it was costing with all the add ons it would cost us $25,000-$30,000 . I just knew we didn't have the money. We could come up with it but we would be in the hole and I just in the economy want to be that far in debt. I knew though that if we didn't have Justin that we probably would have jumped at the chance because we were so desperate to be parents. Know that we have him it is weird how priorities have changed. I am sure if it was Catholic Social Services calling or DHS we probably would have taken them up on that child but it was just to much money and we had to think about everything but it was an exciting moment that we finally were chosen by a birth mom but it was unfortunate that it just was not right for us. We have to see what the future holds.

Hip Hip Horray

2011-01-07T13:16:00.000-08:00

Follow up on my earlier post he was in the green and in a great mood. Another great day. I am so happy and he is so happy as well. Just wanted to share my excitement with all. :)

Full steam ahead

2011-01-07T09:35:00.000-08:00

I am so happy. The holidays are over and we right now have a happy family. Not that I don't like the holiday's because I do so much but it was my dad's favorite time of the year and it makes me miss him even more near Christmas and reading "The Night Before Christmas" book to Justin on Christmas eve the same book my dad reed to be every Christmas eve choked me up as I reed it to him and Tim as I wished my dad were here to see him and how proud he would be.

Not only as you can imagine was it hard for me but it was harder on Justin. He wouldn't tell us or open up to much about to us but it has been a hectic couple of months with him since about the middle of October we have struggled with him. I know you all haven't heard from me during that time much but it is because I don't like to complain but or say anything negative about this little boy I have dreamed about but I wish people were a little more real and told you what it was really like to adopt an older child because I thought I knew and could imagine but I had no idea. I think the blog missing pieces or I think it is know called perfect pieces I can really relate to in so many ways as she is honest and raw about it and she helped me not feel so alone and I bet she has no idea that she really helped those days I wanted to blog but just didn't want to say anything negative because unless you live with this little boy and have adopted an older child you don't understand the feelings.

Don't get me wrong at all I love him to death and he is an excellent kid. It is those moods you are not ready for that come up and bit you. I know all kids have tantrums and no child is perfect but these issues are like no other. It had got to the point were I was almost scared for Tim and I as we had fought like we never had before. Before Justin I would never in my wildest dreams think anything could break us we had gone through a lot together. But when the stress mounts and you both can't agree on how to parent it becomes kind of crazy. Now I know you should both be on the same page and before Justin we knew how to parent but with the stressful issues that come up from adopting an older child through foster care that you didn't imagine would go so unplanned it tends to through your world up and sometimes you just don't know what to do anymore because you feel like you tried everything and now you both start to argue. Not good and of course never intended. So we think this all started in October before his birthday and before the adoption and Christmas and I think it was all a little to much for him. He was acting out and in a bad way. It was hard and now looking back I don't know how we got through it but we did and so happy we did.

Let me describe it this way. When he is good he is very very good and when he is bad it is horrid. I don't know how else to describe it but it is an emotional roller coaster ride. I really do understand what he has been through I could only imagine and never know but like I told my mother in law that is no way to talk to people that love and support you and he needs to understand that or if we let him get away with it what is he going to be like when he gets older. He is doing good academically in school. I honestly think he is ridiculously smart as of last year he didn't know how to write his name or how to count to 3 or even know ABC or colors or shapes. He is way beyond that now starting to read small books at 6 and teacher says he is at a 1st grade reading level which is awesome for a kindergartner. But behavior wise he was getting in a lot of trouble there and at home. One day the teacher called to tell me he was in red which is the worst and what he did was just crazy but when he got home he cheered he was in the green and had a great day. We gave him opportunity after opportunity to tell the truth but he refused even after spending almost 45 minutes in time out in the corner. He refused we told him he would stay there till he told us the truth. Then we started telling him every 5 minutes he doesn't tell the truth we take a present we were going to give him for Christmas away because we tried everything to get him to tell us. I think it upset us that we felt we came so far with him and yet he can look us straight in our face and lie. And he was convincing. If the teacher didn't call me I would have believed him. As Tim was calling Santa after we unwrapped 2 presents he wasn't getting from us he finally just started to cry and finally asked us how we knew. It was hard and felt hard for us to even believe him and that was only one of vary many issues we were dealing with. Bedtime every night became a nightmare. I hated bedtime. He would start fights just to fight. He would egg you on constantly and the talking back and not doing what he was told at all and doing the opposite are only a few of the lighter things he was doing.

Yeah all of a sudden he celebrated New Years with us and family and yes he stayed up the whole time and wanted to party longer he changed. He became the old Justin again. I mean the old Justin because he is a very loving and caring person and cares for others feeling and he does behave. He has an extreme amount of energy as the teacher describes that he is 5 kids in one but he for the most part is awesome. But like I said when he is bad it is horrible. For for 2 months which felt like 2 years of craziness he has finally calmed down and is his awesome self. Full steam ahead. This past week has been awesome and like we told him is he is in green all this week he would get 5 stars from us we would got to the monster truck show this weekend. So I hope and I think he will be in green and we would have another great day. I can't tell you what a happy that makes me. These days we enjoy his company and each other so much more. I feel like we went back to being a real family. Not like we weren't before but it is a happy one. One that it should be. It is not always going to be roses but at least if another outburst like that happens again I just how we are ready to be able to help he get through the hurdle a little fast then this time.

Happy time. Below is a picture of us at a friends house on New Year and some Christmas family pictures. Enjoy and Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas from our family to yours

2010-12-24T11:25:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to with you all a Merry Christmas and if I don't write before and a Happy New Year. I have to admit it does feel good to have a son and have a our first Christmas as a family. Yes last year we were together but this year he is really ours and it feels great. Sure it has been rocky I can't deny that but I can't wait to celebrate Christmas and watch him open Santa's presents and know he is ours and this is our family. I know adoption is the path that is less chosen and I think because of the hard time. It is an up hill battle I am not going to lie but it is so worth it in the end. You have to be strong to do it and it takes a lot out of you. And it will always be with you. I couldn't be more happy in my life. I wish you all the best as well those who have also adopted this year and those who are on there path and those who are doing what is right for them right now I wish you all the best and hope more happiness to follow or to come next year.

Merry Christmas! Love Tim, Susie and Justin

In good times and in bad adoption

2010-12-12T06:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we went to Christmas town in Frankenmuth. Since I moved to Michigan I couldn't wait to bring my child to experience it with us. We bundled up and headed out. We went to Bronners which is this big Christmas store that stays open all year and has nothing but Christmas stuff everywhere. Then we walked around the Christmas town going to to fudge shops seen below with my husband and Justin. It was cool. We got to watch horse and buggy and Justin just loved that. We ate at a little pizza place because the two big chicken places there that they are known for chicken were packed I mean packed. The wait was 2 to 2 hrs and 15 minutes long. We had so much fun and just was passed out sleeping on the way home. We asked if he had fun and he said yes but wasn't to fond of the walking. I have a ton more pictures but how many can you post.

We built a Gingerbread house yesterday morning before leaving for Frankenmuth. He loves to make these things. I thought it came out really well.
Now to what has been happening. We talked about the happy stuff now lets talk about the real stuff. I know in my last post which was a while ago I had mentioned about these 5 kids and someone responded asking me for information on them. I truthfully don't have any information. My friend told me about them on his adoption party and then I asked about them like 2 weeks ago and she said she will call her neighbor to find out. Never heard back then my friend called me on Friday to say she talked to her neighbor and her neighbor would talk to the lady who is fostering these kids and either give her my number or I will get her number. Well I was suppose to be getting a call back from my friend on Friday to tell me what happened but I didn't hear back so that is what happened with that.

Okay Justin has been going through some tuff times and it is getting hard for me. I don't know how to answer some things. He knows mostly everything but he keeps asking me questions. I don't know how much detail to go into at 6 years old. But he knows way above his age. My husband and I handle it differently. My husband is a little more selfish and tells me that Justin is going to break my heart because the first place he will go at 18 will be his birth moms home or as Justin calls her his old mom. I tell my husband that might be a wake up call for him to see and read about his profile and why he was in care and what happened and then see his birth mom. I don't know when he gets older but right now has no interest with birth dad. But I told Tim if he wanted me to go with him to see his birth mom I would. Even if it is hard because knowing what she did to him but I would do it for him and Tim totally disagrees.

Justin had made a comment after our bedtime reading when I told him do you know how much mom loves you and he said really slyly "but your not my real mom". I held it together and told him yes I am. I didn't have to give birth to you to be your real mom. I am raising you and you will be in our lives for the rest of your life. We are your parents and I am your mom. I also explained how hurtful he was and that wasn't nice. We have talked about this before and he knows. I know some of you will say well he is only 6 and he was just stating how he feels but you have to understand at the same token we have discussed this a bunch even with the counselor and he understands. He is a very bright 6 year old that is way beyond his years. He sometimes likes to get a rise or upset you almost like he is hurting so he wants to make others hurt. I can tell my the way he looked at me and said it he said it very slyly and had his smirk on after he said it. As you all know it hurt and hurt badly. I understand you shouldn't take it personally but he is my son and I have waited a very long time for this and love him more then anything and it hurts when I know he is trying to be hurtful so that is why I expressed that it was mean and hurtful to mom that you said that. I would never try to hurt him. My husband then came upstairs because I think he can hear that I was starting to cry and he came up. I can tell my husband was mad because he hates seeing me upset. He has seen me upset for way to long between my dad and the invetro and the roller coaster of adoption and we finally got what we wanted and the last thing my husband wanted was to see me cry. It was hard but my husband explained to him how this family works and stays by each other. Justin thinks he may be all alone again sometime because he thinks all adults go to jail. I tried to explain to him that would never ever happen in this family but I don't think he believed it. He think grandma and grandpa and his aunts and uncles and everyone would. We have been going to counseling but I don't know if it is working. I have mixed emotions. I don't want to go to a new counselor because he trusts them but I want him to progress and I don't feel like that is happening. He has know this counselor for over a year and change is hard for him.

I keep questioning if I want to adopt another older child. He wasn't that old Justin was 4 turning 5. I just think maybe I should put ages 0-3 on there instead of 0-7. You have to be really strong and thick skinned to be a foster adoptive parents to children over the age of 3. yes at 3 or 2 they would still have issues to deal with but they may not be as sever as a 4 or 5 year old. I know this is a sensitive subject but right now I am speaking out of emotion. I am torn do we adopt again do we make Justin an only child. I don't think I have that thick of skin. I am an emotional person who likes to love. I want to help other kids but sometimes I don't know if I can do all this again. We have come a long way but how long does this continue.

In the car on the way home from Frankenmuth he out of the blue asked if he will ever see his mom again and if she will always be in a place that she is in now for being bad. My husband said without me saying anything he said no you won't . I disagree with his response. I don't want him to think of Tim as a liar when he realizes when he gets bigger. I questioned in my head to say anything. This is all new to us and I felt like I have always been open and honest with him but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to cause a fight in the car or to have Tim feel like I under minded him in front of Justin. We got home so late last night that Tim and I haven't talked about it and now Justin is up so it will have to wait but how do you do this when you both don't agree. We agreed if we had a baby we would be open with the parents and have open communication but Tim feels in this situation he is taking it personally that after what they did to him it angers him and that he doesn't want him to ever have contact with them because how can you do that to a kid. I agree in my head I don't want him to want to contact them and I think any parent who adopts a child that is a bit older and the rights were taken away not voluntarily wouldn't want there child going back to them in fear that they might hurt there child or make them depressed which can lead to drugs and life long issues, or may make the child feel bad for them wanting there approval and which may lead to the child disappointment or the child being taken advantage of. I don't want this for him. But I feel being a good parents I have to suck it up and be there for him not his birth mom but to support him. My husband just feels there were bad things that happened because of them but Justin will find out either way that he can see them and may be mad at my husband for lying to him. I think Justin will need support but I don't want to have to pump my 6 year old that he can see his birth mom one day if he chooses to because I can see him working this against us. I know him and I think that would be like feeding a monster.

I think this discussion may have to happen with Justin in his teens. If he has question about them as he grows up I will tell him and show him but he is to young to hear all the details of his life and I don't want him to spiral out of control. I think we need to get him under control first before telling him any of this. For the most part he is doing great. This isn't happening all the time but these are the issues that have happened since I last blogged that I didn't think would get worse but get better. I can see what my husband is saying that he will break my heart because I already see it happening and I hope I can snag it in time.

I just know in the car he kept on insisting that he will always think of his old mom and never will forget or get her out of his mind. I told him that is fine. She is your birth mom and I understand that you will always have love for her and won't forget but what is not okay is thinking of bad things about them and then treating us, extended family or the teacher badly because of it. We are all here trying to help you not go against you or fight you and you need to work with us. We will talk about it with you and cry about it with you but you just can't keep taken it out on everyone and being mean and bad to everyone because then it gets you into trouble. You have to start thinking of happy things. I told him it is fine to think of her just think in a happy way not a bad way. He stated he can't and he will always think that way. It is hard for my husband and I because we are trying to raise him the right way so he is not involved with the law and drugs and that but if he continues as stubborn as he is this way I am afraid for him. These are the good time and bad. I don't know how else to address this sensitive subject without getting him upset or myself. I don't know how to bring it down to a 6 year old level and the counselor I don't think is doing it. I need to find a way.

He played the other day with a kid from his school that was also adopted to his parents at 4 years old but he never wants to see his old family as they did very bad things as well and rights were taken away and he remembers the bad things and won't except it and is very grateful to his parents. Just said mom I wish we can adopt him so I can play and talk and have fun with him. That little boy is the same age as Justin and seemed to help him. He kept asking again about a brother or sister to adopt. I don't know if it is just to play with or if it is just to have something in common with. I started thinking that after he played with that little boy. I told him he can play more with that little boy. Justin says mom you always say that and I have only played with him twice. See we live on field so there is no neighbors where the kids at his school all have neighbors so to the parents me calling is like them trying to work us in there schedule I feel like. I try to get them together but something is always going on and either we are busy or they are and it is hard to get us together. I told him I will try but there is only so much I can do. So of course Justin says just adopt. Right now I don't know what we are going to do we will see what comes to us. I did get a call on a 9 year old with 2 older sisters but we had to pass. To old and to many issues and I don't feel the 9 year old would even want to play with Justin nor are we questioning what age we would even want. We will see what good decides to give us baby or older. I guess I am just putting my heart out there. We will see what the future holds.

It is official HE IS OURS FOREVER!!! YEAH

2010-11-07T15:31:00.000-08:00

We will start out with Halloween. This is us in his class for Halloween party I helped out. He was Dracula. Unfortunately he was sick that day so we went to the doctor and they said he had a sinus infection and the start of pink eye so we got him medicine right away to be better for Halloween. That is why he doesn't look so happy.This was Halloween. He was all better and ready to have a blast. Our first house was grandma and grandpa. He got a lot of candy and we went from 5 to 9 and it was fun I have is on video.
This was his 6th birthday 2 days after Halloween. I don't want to say anything negative because this was a joyous time but I don't want to make pretend that everything was perfect either for those who may think to foster to adopt. This is not to get anyone to steer away from fostering to adopt at all because it is a wonderful thing but with the ups of course comes the down and I want to be real because sometimes when you read blogs or hear people talk they sometimes want to make it as if it is such a perfect thing all the time that I sit back and say am I the only one going through this. The reason I bring this up was because for a week and a half before his finalization on November 5th to our family Justin acted up in such a way I have never ever seen before. He has had his moments but he just went to the end and just started to make me second guess if I can be a mom. I love him with all my heart but I felt almost like he was mad or didn't love us. Now I know he was just turning 6 and I know that is young and all he had gone through but it hurt and it hurt bad. He would snap on a dime and just be so mean and I mean he wouldn't listen and he is not normally like that at all. I know things had to be on his mind even though he would tell us they weren't. I can tell it was bitter sweat for him. I think from how I was asking questions he told me he would never want to go back to his old parents and he is going to live in our house forever and have his wife live here too he said (hahahah). But he gave us hell. When I said to go in a time out he wouldn't go I had to pick him up and carry him and he would be screaming, kicking and throwing a tantrum like a 3 year old. Then I get him in time out and he is mocking me and I tell him you better not step off that couch and what does he do jump off the couch and stare me down like what are you going to do about it. Then starts throwing things and going crazy. Although you see these smiles on his face especially on his birthday below that was the worst night and day and he went to bed crying to sleep. I felt horrible but how many warnings can you give. He was mean and rude to grandma, grandpa and us and very disrespectful we tried times outs while they were hear to see if he would improve but it just made him worse when he came back so unfortunately he went to bed crying but on a positive he I did try to give him a great day we went to any restaurant he wanted and we went to chuck e cheese and he had a blast and went to a party store to get stuff for his adoption party and he got little things as different stores we went to but there were a lot of warnings.
This is the birthday cake I made him for his birthday.FINALLY it is here. November 5th 2010 Justin is officially ours and the haven't seen a tantrum since. He is acting like his normal self with a little more love then before he loves to know he has our name and says it all the time and asks for family hugs and family time. It is really cute. This was on our adoption day. We are not saying gottcha day we leave that to October 5 th when he came into our home but it was adoption day for him and it was such a proud and happy moment but I have to admit it was very fast. It took like 7 minutes and that was it. But I am happy my in laws can come and celebrate with us it meant a lot. Yeah he is ours he is Justin Timothy
The next day November 6th was his adoption party. He had the time of his life. We had 82 people at our house we had a bounce house our trampoline, a pinyata and presents and lots of love. Hope you enjoy watching him have the time of his life as he enjoyed his party. I can't tell you enough that the day was awesome. There was so much love from people and so happy for him to be part of our family it was amazing. The only thing that was missing that I have to admit hurt was my mom not coming and being on board. Everyone was asking where she was and it hurt but all in all it was the best party. People gave me adoption plaques just for Tim and I and gave Justin a gift too. Someone gave a special picture frame that stated " you don't have to be born into a family to be a big part of one". Aww sweat. I also got a stepping stone that has our adoption invite picture that is one the cake below in a stepping stone that was beautiful that said Justin November 5 2010. It was just awesome. I hope you enjoy the pictures as much as I do.

It was so awesome. I have to laugh though because during this party I had one of my best girlfriends come up to me to tell me that her neighbor saw the adoption invitation didn't know that we adopted him and that she thought we had him and said that her friend fosters there 5 kids that are siblings and need a home and that even if I can adopt 2 that would help tremendously and that we of course would have to co mite to seeing the other siblings. Of course I would love to know the others would be adopted by someone too because I hate to separate sibling but I guess no one was willing to take all 5 and now they are trying to split them up. I would love to if I knew they others were adopted and I knew by who and would love if they were like us and wanted to see them see each other every opportunity they got because I feel that is important. She said she will tell me more details. You never know what can happen. I have actually put that on the back burner for a little while while we just wanted it to be official before we jumped into something else because a lot has been going on with work and Justin and Halloween, his birthday, adoption day and the party and the issues Justin was having we have scrapped the idea for more kids till everything became official. We laughed because of course it came up the day after Justin's adoption and that night after everyone left Justin's party he had no idea that my friend brought this up but he said "mom can we adopt a brother and a sister. I had so much fun playing with all these kids I think it would be so much fun to have a brother and a sister. I explained to him that there is a possibility but that he would have to understand he has to share everything with them what is his is there's and if it was one brother and 1 sister that the brother would have to share a room but then he was excited and said that would be cool then dad will buy us bunk bed." Then I asked him why a sister he said " because I can help take care of here and help. I thought this was ironic. He actually looks forward to having other kids in the home. Then he explained he had a lot of cousins he played with when he was with his old mom. So I guess he does really mean it. Well one chapter has closed and another one is just beginning and we will see where our journey takes us now. For now we are 3 strong. And we are so happy together. We are just having a blast. So we have had our ups and downs but experiencing where we are at now I am so happy I hung on for the ride. It was a roller coaster but I am on cloud nine right now. Can't explain this feeling but typing this tears fill my eyes with happiness. Until next time our journey has just begun. Yeah he is our forever!!!

Our court date for adoption is here yeah!!!!

2010-10-16T04:30:00.000-07:00

I am sorry it has been so long. So much has been going on I have had no time even for myself. Lets start out by saying my sister in laws wedding September 18th was awesome. Justin had blast. I actually meet someone from my blog. I meet Rebekkah from "Heart Cries" and I knew she lived not that far from me but what are the chances she would be at my sister in laws wedding. Well I guess pretty good. We were in the bathroom I was fixing my hair and she was washing her hands and I looked right at her like I knew her just not sure where from then it hit me my blog. I have been following her blog ever since she went to pick up her sweet Ty. It was awesome. We talked so much. She actually is looking into fostering to adopt now and it was great. I beat some of you are thinking how was she at the wedding but her husband works with my brother in law. Any way we had an awesome time.

We were kind of down because we were hoping we would have got the answer about the appeal before the wedding so we can cut loose and just relax because you can feel everyone had a little tension. You know how things go the adoption worker and the social worker both said you will find out between 2 day to a week. Well the appeal date for them to go over the case was September 15. The wedding was the 18th. So we were squirming but I didn't let my sister or brother in law see at all. I was the made of honor so I had a job to do. I did dance the night away I tried the best I could to push the appeal to the back of my head but it was so hard watching everyone enjoy Justin and have such a good time it would have been awesome to announce that Justin is ours.

Any way 2 weeks went by with no answer. I had my mother in law asking and my sister in law in Fiji calling to see if we heard. It was kind of scaring me because you would think if you got good news it would come kind of quick but if they were going against the appeal it would be longer to know. So I was freaking my self out. We checked the court of appeals website no joke 5-7 times a day to get an answer. Finally I broker down on September 30 crying that I just want this all to be over and I am so sick of this I wish my dad was here. I started really missing my dad. I wanted his support he always had for me. My mom by the way didn't even ask any time she was on the phone about Justin or even if there was an appeal so she just didn't ask anything. So that night I prayed and prayed to my dad to please get me through this we love this little guy so much I can't imagine my life without him. I checked the computer one last time to see if anything was posted and nothing.

I woke up the next day and said today is going to be a good day. I was going to work and leaving work early to help in Justin's class room for apple day. Before I left for work that day I decided not to look on the computer as to not be upset or turn the day because I did enough of that the day before. I was at work and I got a call from the adoption worker that the appeal was denied and Justin was ours and we can now process to adopt him. She called October 1. I was so excited I was crying at work (luckily I was leaving early) and just so emotional I couldn't even work. I call Tim and he was over the moon to. I e-mail everyone at work I had a lot of work friends crying. It was just awesome. So then I went to Justin's school and I debated with Tim weather to tell him or wait till after school because I didn't know how he would react. I knew that he would have mixed feeling excited to be ours but kind of down that it is all over and he for sure would never see his parents again. He must have picked it up when I was there because he kept asking what happened mom. I kept telling him I will tell you when we get home but we will go out to dinner where ever you wanted that night. So finally I told him because he just wouldn't stop hounding me and I was excited to. He was so excited. He jumped in my arms and just kept hugging me and telling me I love you mommy. He had never called me mommy. He always just calls me mom. He didn't want to let go of me. I also didn't want to let go of him but he was at school and the parents that helped had to leave. I also had a lot of errands to run. We went out to eat that night with grandma and grandpa too. It was a memorable day one I will never forget October 1.

Then I was told by the social worker and adoption worker that we will have a court day in two weeks. Well the social worker mailed everything to the court on October 1 and we waited and waited. They told us it would either be October 22 or 29. So my mother in law and me bought all these Halloween themed stuff. The reason the date was so important to me is because we wanted to do his adoption party the Saturday after his adoption in court. I also didn't want it to be to cold outside as I was hoping to rent a bouncer for the kids and all. Well we got the call this past Thursday finally on October 14 which is 2 weeks from when we found out that the date was for November 19th (and no this isn't adoption day). So I was questioning why so long. Why do we have to wait another month or actually over a month for a court day when they have court dates open in 2 weeks. I am just rushing this because I want it to be finial. I know in my heart he is ours I just don't want some things to happen in that time so I just want it all to happen and be final. So I when I called the adoption worker she said she is already talking to them to see what was up. She told me yesterday that in the case of an appeal they can't do anything for 28 days because I didn't understand this part but I guess if birth dad wanted to appeal again for it to go higher he can. Come on. He hasn't seen his son in over a year and Justin is scared to death of him. I just want him to please just go away. So the good news is the court moved the date to NOVEMBER 5 so the party will be the 6th. I told my husband about this appeal thing and I am sorry if people disagree but they give patents way to many rights. And if I could tell you everything that happened Justin should have been out of there at birth. But the system is the system without going into detail I just can't believe he can appeal this again. SO please pray smooth sailing from here on out. November 5th can't come quick enough but yeah.

During this court date waiting time our "Gotcha Day" was October the 5th. He had him one year that day. Again he was able to pick where he wanted to go to eat and he was able to pick up any toy he wanted ( by the way he picked a $6 cowboy gun set). We had ice cream and movie night at our house with our pj's on and the blankets on the couch it was awesome that one year ago he came into our lives to change them for the better forever. I am currently making him a scrapbook I am hoping to finish before his adoption party and I had an idea on the last page to put a picture of all 3 of us on a white paper and have everyone that came to the party to sign it as all these people are rooting for you and supporting you and loving you. I thought that would be a good idea and like I told him when he is older he can keep it and remember how much we love him and support him. Because when he is a teen he will probably for get all these little times and maybe start having questions about his old parents as he is already starting to forget things about them.

Also Justin's birthday is coming the first week in November too he will be 6. Sorry this is so long but I haven't been on in a long time and had to catch you all up. I also might be getting raise and a change in positions. I took my CPC (certified professional coder) test to be certified which is a hard test and it is 5hr 30 minutes long and you have a minute and a half per question and I passed that in June. So I wanted a certified coding job. Well I have been looking at job and been on interviews and actually got 2 job offerings but turned them down for what was being offered and my big company actually told us in the meeting this week they are going to the big boss to get a coding job approved and then will hire for a certified coder. I talked to my manager who said she knew that was going to spark an interest to me and the position is extremely challenging but if I am up for it she defiantly would like me to have the position but it has to get approved first and she said she doesn't see an issue with that. So yeah. Things seem to be on an up swing now. I finally feel I am getting my life in order. The is the best feeling I have had in a long time and I just am praying the 28 days goes by with no appeals and no more stress. yeah.

Anyway I have to get going I promise the Justin's school that we would be there this morning at 9 am on a Saturday (uggh) to help clean and maintain the outside of the school. I want to show Justin you have to help out your community and if you don't do it no one will and it makes your school look nicer and it is a good thing to do and you feel good doing it at the end of the day. Until then here is some pictures I will leave you with I know he has grown so much. :)

September 15

2010-09-11T07:25:00.000-07:00

So September 15 is the appeal hearing in Lansing and I couldn't be more excited. I don't know if we will hear that day as they put the decision on the appeals website then send a letter out a week later and you know I can't wait that long for a letter. So we just have to wait.

Today is my sister in laws bachlorette party and next week is the wedding were just will get to be a ring barrier. Very exciting for him. We have been keeping busy lately and try to get on more now that Justin is at school. He seems to have been having angry outburst lately I am not sure if that is because he just start school this week or that the adoption is almost done or maybe both but we have been going through a crazy roller coaster lately.

I totally don't mean to be negative but I have to get this off my chest so I can have a good time to night and not thing about this. I wish my dad were here. My mom makes me so mad. She won't say it but I know when we decided we were going to adopt I know she really wasn't on board with the idea. She is a very close minded person which is sad. I know Tim's parents were not sure about it but like I thought when we had a child they would fall in love and that would all go away. Well that totally happened with Tim's family. They adore him and will do absolutely anything for him and see him as our child. My mom DIFFERENT STORY. She makes me mad bad because she is so ignorant. Everyone that comes in contact with Justin loves him because he is loving and very out going and a funny engaging kid. My mom thinks he is a great kid and smiles and laughed the last time she saw him which by the way was when we went to Florida in February. But she never really sees him as ours and that makes me mad. When she calls she never ever asks to talk to him or asks how he is doing. I would think as a new grandma and your only grandchild that she would want to come out and visit at least even to visit us. The last time she has been out here is July 2007 right after my dad died. She hasn't been out here since and the only time she seer's us is when we go out there every year and she makes me feel bad to visit Tim's parents when they go out there for 3 month because I don't get to see her and I should spend all my time with here and she can give a crap about me or my family which makes me mad because now as a mom I don't understand it. I still hold a grudge that she never came out here to see Justin when he first came to our home. Ok so now this is why I bring her up because I told her that the appeal is on Sept 15 (which she didn't ask I just told her) and that the adoption lady thinks that it will take 2 weeks to get a finalize with the court and then we would possibly have an adoption party for Justin in October some time. She told me that is good. I asked are you going to come. Which then was awkward silence and then with work and my new husband's work and everything I don't think so. I wouldn't count on it. Then I asked if she would even consider it that it would mean a alot to Justin and she said she promise she will send a card and a gift so he knows they are thinking of him. I wanted to scream it is not about the money. Any time she didn't come out here before Justin she would always send money in a card and stuff and what she doesn't understand as many times as you tell her is it is not about the money it is about you showing your support.

I bring this up because I really wanted her to love Justin and accept him as ours but I can't force her. I really don't know if I want her in my life any more if she can't show an effort. I make and effort every time and she doesn't' do a thing. We are two totally different people and if you have been following my blog for a while you know we don't have the best relationships and that my dad and I were close and after his passing I have felt alone when it comes to my family. Luckily I have Tim's wonderful family but I wanted to share mine with Justin. I think what makes me want to sever ties is that if she wants to crap on Tim or myself fine I will let that fly but not Justin. I won't let her treat Justin that way. He has been through enough not to have a grandma be like that. He calls my mom "mom's mom". That is how he knows her. I don't ask him even to call her grandma even though he knows she is because she has never made an effort. I am really opening this up but any thought? I am sick of her crap and what she puts the family through. She likes to call when she needs something but if your mom wants to not be there for your son who is an awesome kid and has always showed Tim and I in the past that she just doesn't care and I have wanted to sever ties for a long time but with my dad's sickness I didn't want my dad to feel the stress and then I kept her in our lives for Justin to have another grandma. She is just not there. I am at the end of my rope and he not wanting to go to his adoption party with no good excuse feels like this is the issue that broke the camels back. I am just beyond upset and mad and want some input on what you would do or what you think I should do. I feel very hurt but at the same time I am moving that to the back of my head because I am busy with the bachlorette party today the wedding next Saturday and Justin's appeal I just want to be int he moment with all these things with out her bringing me down as she has done so many times in the past. Thank you. On a positive note I have to get ready but I will talk to you all soon and have a great weekend. :)

I turn 29 today

2010-08-23T05:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah I am turning 29 today. For five birthday's I would blow out my candles and make a wish for a child to come into our lives. Finally it is here. I don't need to wish for that anymore and now thinking about tonight and what to wish for when I blow out my candles. I have all I have been hoping for. I know we would like other children but that is not a priority nor do I need to wish for that. I will wish for a happy and healthy family where ever it may lead us. I joked with Tim this morning that this will be my last birthday for a few years that I will stay 29 forever. Haaa I was just kidding. My husband is 32 and has been complaining lately how things are starting to hurt like his knee's and lower back and he keeps saying he is getting old so I had to tell him he was old and I will never be that old joking with him. I can't wait to see what this year of my life brings me.

Yesterday Justin was fitted for his tux for my sister in laws wedding. He looked so cute. Justin is the ring barrier and Tim and I are the best man and maid of honor. That will be on the 18th September and we find out hopefully about Justin's appeal in September 15 court. I am thinking maybe to have Justin's adoption part in October and make it a fall or Halloween decor maybe rent a moonwalk for the kids, bob for apples, get some pumpkins and Tim said he would get some straw for the kids to play or run up on. I am just thinking of ideas. They say after the appeal it takes about 2-3 weeks to get a court date to make it final so we will see what happens but I am a planner and it helps keep my mind off of constantly thinking about the appeal.

Today for my birthday Justin just woke up and Tim is at work. Oh by the way school doesn't start for our kids till after labor day so he is still on summer break. I think tonight Tim said we were going to dinner as a family which I love where ever I want then Tim got my favorite, ice cream cake. Yeah. Tomorrow at work they celebrate my birthday and my wonderful mother in law is making me what ever dinner I like her to make after I come home from my 12 hour day of work. Isn't that nice of her. She is awesome. So it will be a nice birthday . I think Justin and I will do some arts and crafts today. Alright Justin is hungry and want breakfast so I have to go but talk to you all soon.

Crazy weekend

2010-08-19T03:29:00.000-07:00

So I had got a voice mail last Thursday by Justin's social worker asking us to take 2 kids for a weekend and do a favor for DHS. Se left the message at 6pm and I didn't get it till 8 so when I got it all I can think about is those poor kids where are they now because I didn't get to my phone and DHS had no one to take these kids and I had to be there last resort because they know I only want to take in kids that are either terminated or they may be terminated with there birth parents because I get to attached. Well when I told my husband about it he said absolutely not unless there was a chance to adopt. I called on Friday morning to find out more and no they were not adoptable but they needed a home because they home they were in was already full and the kids shouldn't have been there but they had no where for them. It was a 3 year old and a one year old siblings.

I thought to myself well this would be a test whether Justin really wants siblings or not and it will show me if I can take on 3 kids. Usually people have one kids at a time to adjust to 3 but we were just going to go from none to one to 3.

So I did say yes and my husband didn't agree and said do what ever makes me happy. So we went up north with them since DHS said it would be ok. It was a little overwhelming at first because you don't know the kids or temperament and they are scared of you at the same time. They have moved from a total of 5 homes in the past at there young age which I think that is crazy how many chances are you going to give these kids mother. I felt bad for them.

Justin decided he doesn't want to be the youngest as he has said in the past he wants to be the oldest. He loved helping out. He would get me the diapers and whips for to change the little one. He would help the little one on the couch and play all the time with the 3 year old. He loved it.

So Monday came and the kids social worker called and said would we be willing to take the kids for 2 more weeks maybe 3 then it went to the most 4. Ok now they are playing me. I said I was willing to do a favor and I would hate to have these kids go to another home but it is not fare to me or my family. I told her you said you needed a favor I help up my end of the deal and now I have to feel guilty. I told her she made us believe it was only a weekend. She started to explain the place the kids came from she was hoping would be approved to take more kids but was denied she was at capacity. They also have a relative to the kids that was interested but she has to investigate. She then said the most 2 weeks you would keep them and she kept giving me the guilt trip. I called my husband crying and my mother in law asking for advise and like they said if there is no chance with these kids there is no use for our entire family to get attached because to tell you the truth we all were attached to those kids when they left. They were so cute and good kids. Justin kept crying begging me if we can keep them and they can be his brother and sister. I had to explain to him that I was sorry but we were only babysitting just like I said the first day.

He got sad and said but I will never see them or play with them again. I explained I knew and it was ok to be sad and cry because I was sad too. I called the social worker and told her no. It was hard I was crying and then I thought this is why I don't just foster because these kids were only with me a weekend and I was crying imagine a year or something and then giving them back. I was sad but I felt like it was the best move for our family. Everyone had to be on board. So then I got a call back that they decided to take the kids to the relatives and continue to investigate the relative and that made me feel so much better because then it is family and someone they know not just another stranger. So that was my crazy weekend. Hopefully we get a call on some kids for our family and Justin.

Speaking about Justin we found out the appeal court date is September 15 and the social worker said with her experience we should have an answer that day so pray that everything goes well and just is official terminated so we can get a court date. The social worker would like us to hold out on the adoption till adoption day in November but our family wants it as soon as possible to put all of this past us. As it is once we adopt him he would have been here a year. That to me is a long time seeing how parents were termed in January. The adoption worker says that it takes about 2 weeks to get a court date so that would be end of September beginning of October I pray that September 15 comes in a hurry.

Was on vacation

2010-08-03T09:08:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone. I know it has been a while. Things have just been hectic. Well we haven't heard about the appeal yet. Bummer I was hoping we would get news on our vacation. We went up north on vacation I am at lunch at work right now but I will try to post pictures. We had a great week. Justin has been doing better. He hasn't been hitting as much but Tim stated to him that if he talks back or is fresh he will wash his mouth out with soap and guess what this little boy does? He says well can you give me soak right now with some water so I can try it first before you give me the punishment. We meant to scare him and he wanted to try. We told him no and he kept on insisting and so my husband gave him the soap and he put it in his own mouth and then was trying to get the taste out of his mouth and he said he will make sure he will behave because he doesn't want that to happen again and he took some Listerine. I was socked. He has been good since. We were having issues for about 3 weeks and it was hard. We do have our ups and down but he has been great. We got back from vacation on Saturday and then had to tell Justin he was having his eye surgery on Monday. In the meantime on Sunday I started to come down with this sinus infection and then didn't sleep that night thinking about our little boy in surgery and had no sleep and I think it took a toll on my body because it is my first day back at work and I feel like a mack truck hit me.

The surgery went good. He did have a lot of vomiting after for like 3-4 hours but was better after he started waking up but we were there all day. We got there at 8:30 procedure was at 10:00 and we didn't leave till 3:30 and got home at 4. Tiring no eating and feeling sick and was upset and stress about Justin. I am so proud of him. He was such a trooper though. We don't know what the eye looks like yet until my mother in law takes him to the doctors at 1:30 to get bandages off so we will know more then. hope all is well and no more surgeries for him. Other then that I am a lot better besides sleep and this sinus at least that stress of surgery is gone and makes me feel so much better inside. Have to work though today for 12 hours uggghh. Oh well at least I had some time off. I will try to keep you posted. It is just hard when he is off of school to get on and type so I choose to do it at work today. Talk to you all soon and hope all is well with all of you. :)

I am done with the hitting

2010-07-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

The past week Justin has started the hitting thing. I would tell him he hurt my feelings by what he did or say or I would tell him he can't have something or the other day I actually said to him can I rewind this because I missed what hap pend and he thought I said change the program and he just comes flying up and me and swing and pinching with this really mean and angry face. This happened when he first came here and it continue till about February but I think once we earned his respect and I would say that was in March when he started calling us mom and dad that hitting went away. We still had the outbursts like the crying or throwing but the physical violence was gone. We have gone over this a number of times that we DO NOT allow any physical abuse (hitting, kicking pinching, biting, anything causing serious harm to another) in this house he knows the rules and if those rules are broken he goes up in his room for time out and we take stuff away like his golf stuff he loves to play with or something.

The usual punishment (like talking back, throwing something, not listening, saying something he knows he should not be saying or doing) he gets a time out on the couch and losses a star. We have a star system when he is good and helpful and just has a good day we give him a star and 5 stars he gets a prize on top of the fridge. If he is bad he gets them taken away and if he continues to be bad in punishment he continues to get more time added in 5 minute increments to his already time sometimes depending on how severe another star gets taken away.

Today he started hitting me and I didn't say a word like I usually do an get all upset I just grabbed his hand and walked him up the stairs and he was vishous. Grabbing the spindles of the stairs while screaming and kicking and pinching and biting. The started being disrespectful to me in a really mean way calling me stupid and I don't think and telling me he hates me and I don't know anything after I fought with all my might to keep him in my arms I threw him on the bed and as I went to walk away to close the door he jumped and lunged at me he had a handful of hair and was trying to punch my butt/lower back. I got so enraged I had to stop myself before I lost myself. I think I just got to enraged between the pain because I know he is 5 but my back hurt and my head he took a clump out and then I think the fear of him startled me so much I felt like he needed to know who was boss. What happens when he gets bigger and is stronger then me this needs to stop now.

After 10 minutes in his room and I called Tim because I needed him to calm me down because I was shacking and tearing up I finally went back up to face him and he was acting like an angel. He does this. It is like 2 different people. He was a monster then I go in there it is like it never happened. Believe me I didn't let him get away with it but we had a long talk. This has to stop. I don't know what brought it on this week but when he is good he is very very good and when he is bad he is horrible. Tim and I just talked and decided he can get his golf clubs back that I took away 2 days earlier for hitting but NO TV for a week. We told him that he must be learning this from violent shows and that he can't watch TV now. Don't get the wrong idea he doesn't watch TV a lot and we know what he is watching and some I don't approve of but he watched it in the past and it is on the N*CK channel. The Sponge B*b and I C*^ly and watches Max and R**y and Sc**by D**. These are the programs I am talking about nothing violent I just wanted you to get the idea of what I am doing and working with. We watched the R*ad R*nner when we were young and I know I wasn't violent. I just have had enough and Tim is worst then me right now he is so mad. He wants to take more away and he says I am sick of this. It gets hard I just need to vent and feel better. I am trying to be my best as a first time mother and have a 5 year old that came from another family and I have to correct or reverse stuff. It is very hard. Keep smiling I tell myself. :)

Any Idea's, Advice please help!

2010-07-15T05:12:00.000-07:00

I am sorry but I am getting very impatient about this long wait with this appeal. I feel they made the decision to terminate right with in 2 weeks of the trial and now birth dad does an appeal 2 weeks later and we are still waiting. Terminated 1/13/10 and appealed 2/8/10. We are now in July and school is coming in September. We were first told by Justin's social work a few weeks then 2-3 months then if might take is little longer but we should hear something in July. I received the permanency planning hearing information from his social worker from 6/1/10. I states parents terminated 1/13/10 but then states word for word

" the primary barrier to adoption is hat birth father on 2/8/10, filed an appeal again termination of parental right decision. The appeal process is still pending which will delay the adoption until a decision is made. The anticipated adoption date is July 2010."

Then I got an e-mail yesterday from our adoption worker stating that she had good new and not so good news. Good news was that we were approved for the adoption through the state and we have consent (what ever that means) as of 7/7/10. She says on there end they are all ready to go ahead once they hear the appeal is finalized we can get a court date. The not so good news she put was that she talked to the attorney general (I don't know who this is) but she said that it may be a few more months because of later paper work on behalf of birth dad's lawyer.

I don't understand this because I don't know how this process work. I don't understand they said if things come in late they don't take them. The extension came in late and they threw that out and wouldn't take it. I just don't want him to freak when we go to kindergarten with a different name and he has been asking "mom when am I going to be your last name and when am I going to have my adoption party". This is tuff because it is tuff for me to wait anymore but for him it is agonizing. We worked so hard to get him to this point of comfortablility and the system is failing again. It is crazy how it takes 2 weeks to make a decision to terminate but an appeal we are going on 5 1/2 months. How much longer to wait.

I told you that I would do absolutely anything for him and I did send a letter to the judge but unfortunately I got it sent back to me with a letter stating:

"The court must return your letter addressed to Judge ----- for the reason that it would be improper for the judge to read anything not presented as evidence in court. While we appreciate the fact you tried to let him know about a concern you had, the judge will not be able to consider your letter.

Please understand the limitations imposed on judge by law. The rules are meant to preserve the equality of justice, which is so important to our system of laws."

In the letter to the judge I wasn't trying to make him terminated there right just explained my concern with school and if he could look over the paper work so he can move on with his life and close this chapter.

What else can I do. Any one go through this? Anyone know how long on average appeals take? What more can I do? Can I go up higher to get this resolved or to bring attention or awareness not just for Justin but for other kids going through the same thing? Who do you go to? I want to make a difference and no child should have to feel and comfortable as he is with me that he might not stay here forever and doesn't have solid ground to stand on the longer they make a child wait. I just need some advice or ideas or what else I can do? I have sat on my hand this whole time and I feel like I have been waiting forever. I just wish this could be final already. I can't tell you how many times people ask me when is it final. It makes me mad to say I have no idea because I am sick of saying by the end of the summer. I have really tried hard to be positive which I was doing until yesterday's e-mail from the adoption worker. I even put up a sign on my fridge that appeal will be finalized with us as parent by July 31. I was trying to really believe it would come true I even opened a fortune cookies yesterday that states "everything will now come your way" I truly believed that when I opened it yesterday I was thinking see this positive thing is working then I got the e-mail and I was just so mad. I am sorry but I needed to vent and see if I can get any help of advise. Thanks

Finding myself

2010-07-07T06:49:00.000-07:00

I am sorry it has been a while but I was trying to take time for myself to find who I am again. I feel like I have lost myself about 4-5 years ago. After my family moved in my house and my dad was sick about 4-5 years ago my life turned upside down. I had to be the rock for the family and not get upset and stay strong for my mom and brother who are weaker and my dad asked me to stay strong so as hard as it was I couldn't break down in front of him or anything so giving hugs was very hard not to break down as I never knew if it was my last. After my dad past part of my heart honestly left with him and I have never got it back. I struggled to find why I felt out of sorts and not myself for so long and everyone told me it was normal at first when you dad passes but then the infertility and 2 lost in vetro's. It was hard. They give you those pictures of the embryo's and the ultrasound of them inside of you after they put them in that you are hopeful that you will see them some day. Well when it didn't happen it was devastating it was like I lost those babies after seeing them on the ultrasound and under the microscope it feels like they are already yours and losing them 2 times took such a hard toll on me. I was hard on myself and I just never felt like anyone enjoyed my company like they use to because I didn't enjoy myself.

I am just starting to realize this now. I had my girlfriend who came over on Saturday and her mom died a year and a week after my dad so she was going through that loss this weekend with us and was drinking which I swear I don't have a drinking problem it is just when we are around friends or it is around that time and either the issue of my dad, infertility or someone pregnant again! it makes it hard for me to feel happy for that person or to be myself or to be as friendly without that guard up as to not get hurt so I have a drink to relax me and loosen up so people will won't to be by me. No one wants to be the "Debbi downer" and that is what I felt like. I didn't laugh as much or enjoy others company. I just wanted to be with my husband and even when Justin came into our lives I just wanted to be with Justin and Tim and no one else. It was like my safe haven. So it seemed that I would get around others and drink as to numb that pain that I was feeling.

So I started to do some sole searching these past 2 weeks. The test was my girlfriend came over and was drinking and morning the loss of her mom and I just got over the week before morning my dad's loss and it made it easier to want to drink with her BUT I didn't. I took it in and helped her through while talking about my dad. I let myself feel it. I do that with Tim when it is just the two of us but never anyone else. Well I allowed myself to do it. I told Tim I felt like I made a big step today and I explained that I think my problem it that I have never been at peace with my dad being gone. I always felt why him and why now and I need him and I think I truly made it about me.

Well you won't believe it and it is still new to me but I think I am finally at peace with my dad and my infertility. I think the feelings can be there but I think I am at peace with it and understand it. My dad came to me in my dreams on Saturday night after my girlfriend went home and I explained to Tim that I never had peace about my dad leaving. My dad actually came to me. This is very personal and is making me tear up about it now. But anytime I have ever had a dream about him in the last 3 years he has been gone it has been of him sick never well the way he always was a fit and healthy guy. He was the way I remembered him. He said he came down because he knew I wanted so badly to see him one last time and he didn't want me to keep that sick image of him in my head forever and to remember him the way he always was. I remember hugging him and he was only around for a few minutes maybe 3 or 4 but I was able to hug and touch him and smile at him and then he said he had to go and I begged him selfishly to please not leave me and he explained that he had to go and that he could only have this short visit and I was sad but I understood and was grateful to see him again. oh my goodness I can't stop crying. ahahahh. I remember him leaving but I still kept a smile on my face just happy that I had the opportunity to see him again.

I told my husband the next day as I was tearing up trying to tell him and he just hugged me as I explained that I think I am at peace with him being gone. I will never be over it but I am at peace with it. I felt good going into 4th of July which was one of my dad and I's favorite holiday's because we use to have a 4th of July party every year he had a bunch of people over and he did fireworks and so this 4th of July I couldn't help but look at those firework in the sky with a little tear in my eye and a smile on my face thinking of my dad. It felt good for a change. I didn't want to blog about it right away because I didn't know if it was just how I was feeling for that little while or if my sole was truly at peace so I waited a few days and I still feel the same way.

I know there are going to be sceptics about my dreams and what ever and that is fine but I always try not to put my religious beliefs or anything to change any one's beliefs but I know that my dad came to me in my dreams because it was the right time. I was searching how to feel better about it and searching for answers when everyone always says things happen for a reason I didn't understand the reason and that upset me. I don't need to know the reason it might unfold for me later in life an answer that question. Who knows I just have to be blessed with everything I do have and not what I don't.

I had to post this am I am sorry but on a sadder note they think my aunt and uncle on my mom's side have cancer. They are both going through with some more testing but my uncle has 2 masses in his lungs and my aunt has 2 masses in her throat that doctors are afraid it is cancer. They both smoke heavily and have 1 kid together who is 11 and my god son and my aunt had her daughter who is 21. I am praying that everything goes well am it is not cancer. It has been on my mind all week. I did tell my mom since her sister (my aunt) she was worried about the kids and all that I would take them in if anything were to happen. I was totally not trying to think the worse but to ease her mind that they will be taking good care of. Her concern also was if it did happen I live in Michigan and she lives in Jersey and it would be a big change. Please just keep them in your prayers. Thanks

Rest in Piece DAD

2010-06-23T06:11:00.000-07:00

Today has been 3 years. I just can't believe it. I couldn't sleep last night as much as I tried to clear my head. I tossed and turned all night. I wanted to say I missed you so much. I remember this day like it happened yesterday. For 2 years after you past I had issues going into the room you passed. It would take the breathe right out of me and it would be hard for me to breath or be in there. All I could think about was the bad memories in that room. I know you feel the same way because you never wanted me to see you like that and have to watch you deteriorate right in front of my eyes. I remember calling Tim to tell him I think you were passing and I went upstairs again to find mom yelling over you telling me to help even thought that was not what you wanted and I was numb. I had an outer body experience. My body was standing there but I couldn't get my body to do anything. There were no tear,no emotion, no movement no nothing I was just standing there telling myself this isn't happening as the window was opened I heard Tim's feet running across our gravel drive way and I could feel his panic through those foot steps and mom's scream for help as it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. It didn't hit me till Tim came up to your room and put his arms around me and yelled over my mom "he is gone" then the flood gates bursted open and screaming cry came from me and realizing that this was the last time I would see you for a long time.

When Justin came into our lives Tim surprised me one day when I came home he had Justin's room all situated so it didn't remind me of the room when you passed. Justin doesn't of course know that was the room you passed in. Now that room is full of life and happiness. He loves cars just like you do. He really like the movie cars. The whole room is themed in cars and when I go in there I don't even think about those days in that room. It is like a totally different room. I go in and it now makes me smile. I at one point thought we were going to have to move because I had such a problem with that room I would close the door and never go in and now it is always open and I am always smiling when I pass. Justin is either sleeping or playing and it is happy. I think what I love the best is knowing you are his guardian angel I tell him. I told him you would always protect him.

Mom is doing good. She got married last month. Ricky is in school. He has an associates in computers but now wants to be a nurse. And no he hasn't grown up yet. He is now 25 and still has no job and wants to go back to school but the good thing dad is that mom married a guy that can take care of them both. He makes a decent money and seems to want to take care of them. I don't know if he knows what he is getting himself into hahahah. He cooks for them, cleans for him and works a lot. I feel like now I don't have to take care of them anymore there is someone who will and I can concentrate on my family.

I wish you could be here. I still need you selfishly. I miss you and love you. I think about you all the time and I try not to cry but last night and this morning was a little hard. It would be 3 years at 11 am this morning you passed. I am trying not to dwell on it but when the day comes it gets hard. Justin and I are planting a flower in our garden of memory of you today. We are also going out to eat to one of your favorite restaurants in memory of you. Not like we are throwing a party or anything but we are just trying not to make it a sad day and trying to do things that you liked or tell stories of you to Justin. He always asks questions about you. He found your ashes on my dresser. He picked up that pretty box I keep your ashes in and he wanted to play with it and I had to explain to him not to do that and that it was you. He wants to know what you liked and what you used to do and he loves to see pictures of you with all these cars and when you play the guitar. He told me he wants to play the guitar. I told him if he is serious when he gets older I will give him your famous red guitar that you had when I was young. You loved that thing and we have so many pictures with you with that guitar.

I will think of you today and always and miss you so very much. I love you and think of you frequently. We are always thinking of you today and always. Love your Family Susie, Timmy and Justin

Something is wrong and I am not sure what

2010-06-21T16:40:00.000-07:00

Well I have a lot to be grateful for. I have the best husband. My dreams came true when Justin came in to my life. I have a nice home and I have a job. It is a pretty good job can find better but it is still great to have a job in this economy. I have great in laws who are the best and I consider them my family. I have a vehicle and I have my health. We all have our health. I have passed my test and have a lot to be thankful for. BUT....

For some reason that is just not enough and I don't know why. I am not sure anyone has felt this way and that is why I am putting it out there. I usually never think I am an ungrateful person but lately I am not sure if it is that for health that has caused me to feel the way I feel. I don't think I should feel this way for a 28 almost 29 year old girl.

I feel tired and fatigued all the time. I feel irritable and emotional. I have vaginal bleeding between my periods especially after exercise. Things seem to bother me to easily and then later I feel bad about it. I didn't always use to be like that. But people tell me that could be my cyst bursting. I have a hypothyroid and a cyst on my ovary and a fibroid on my breast. I only tell you this intrusive stuff because I want to give you everything I know about me to help me figure out what is going on. Every time I go to the doctor they check my thyroid with the thyroid meds they tell me I am doing good and I am normal. I am taking thyroid meds and the natural supplement KELP which is suppose to be great for your thyroid. I don't know what to think.

I have been watching this DVD a friend gave me called "The Secret" that helps you be positive and feel good about yourself. It use to work but it just doesn't work. I find myself struggling with my mind to stay happy and positive and it is becoming hard and a chore rather then just coming to me which I feel it should. I have nothing to complain about but I seem to be bothered. I get bothered just when Justin interrupts or when Tim does this slurp sound. I would normally never feel like this but I find my self telling them could you not do that or yell at them over such a silly thing. To me right now is silly but at the time it is like nails on a chalk board. I have tried everything. I write on a piece of paper what I am grateful for I listen and watch self help things to be back to a better person and it all doesn't seem to be working. The only conclusion I can come to is my thyroid with my cyst that must be bursting in between periods that causes me pain and fatigue and mixed with the thyroid that causes fatigue and sometimes irritability but why does the doctor keep telling me the labs are normal. I have gone to 3 medical doctors and they say I am on the right thyroid medication. If anyone has any input or help please tell me. I want to feel normal for me Justin and my family please. I don't know what else to do or say. Thanks for listening and letting me get all this out. :)

Yeah I passed what's next

2010-06-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

I passed that test found out today on line. I am CPC certified which is certified professional coder and I can make more money. I have almost 5 years of billing and coding experience but now I have to figure out what avenue I want to go down. Justin and I were dancing this morning when I found out. I kept singing "mom did it she did, mom didn't" and he was laughing and having a good old time. It was great and I am so happy now if I can find a job in this bad economy I can make more money with this certificate. I know there is a position for a lead biller that just opened up at my job but they told us we can't apply anyone who works there they have some people in mind and we can't ask but they will decide whether they will hire from with in or not. I e-mailed my supervisor this morning to tell her about my certification so she would think of me for the position since I do so many different jobs while a lot of other people in out department only do one job. I really do like 4 different jobs but I feel like I am a huge asset to them but because I do all those jobs who would they get to do my job not only that but if I am going to be honest with you without sounding like I full of myself but I have a feeling I know what they think of me. They know I am a hard worker and a go getter but they see me as YOUNG, CUTE, not leadership. I know I can do it but admittedly I do look young and have a young voice and I am very smiley and bubbly and I think they perceive that for naive, not experienced in life (little do they know) but we are at work and in my profession of billing you need everyone and so if someone is mad at you but they know something you don't they aren't going to be willing to help you so you need to be nice. I am not saying I am fake nice but I am very nice at work to keep the moral going and keep people on my side. I feel like that is coming back to bite me. After I e-mailed my supervisor that I passed she just said congratulations nothing else was said. I would think that if they had people in mind for the position and they announced it over a week ago those people would have been confronted. I am not sure what to do. I will have to see where this road takes me.
On another situation I keep finding these kids on line that need families and every time I find an older child they have to be the youngest which is a challenge since Justin is 5. I keep hearing about all these situations in my area in the news and all that are said about abuse to these children or a parent killing another parents and these kids need families. It is so sad I am right here and I never get a call on these kids. I want to help and feel good about changing these children's lives. I truly think that since that infant we turned down that social worker probably didn't want to give us a call because w ask to many questions which is sad when kids need a home. I only asked the questions to make sure it was a situation that we can handle but we don't seem to be called anymore so I have kind of looked on my own but I am not getting very far. Well you all know I try not to preach on my blog as to not offend anyone or any religions so please shy away from this comment I was compelled to say but God will have to show us our path. Everyone says things happen for a reason. I will just have to see what that reason is. My patients haven't always been my strong suite.

Yesturday as one of the top 10 bet days

2010-06-13T13:44:00.000-07:00

I had taken my test for my certification through the AAPC for my CPC certification. That is for billing and can make my family money if I can find a job which there are some. I had a class in October that gave me an oversight of the test but nothing like the 5 and 1/2 hour exam. I stated t he class in October and after my first class when I figured I waited a long time to have a child and who know how much longer I mine as well do this like I have wanted to before a child comes again. After the first class 2 days later I got the call on Justin. That made it hard to study, work full time and have him. Just having him our whole lives changed, let alone a full time job and school.

I took the test in December and failed by one question. Then I took the test again in March and same thing failed by one question. I was so mad and depressed with myself. I knew I could do better but it was timed and I am not the fastest reader. I wish my mom pushed reading like I do with Justin and I would be a better reader today. I try to read but I don't read half as quick as my other friends. My family (mom, dad and brother) were never readers so I never knew how important it was till now. Not that I can't read or understand it is just I can't read fast and a lot of the time I lip read so taking this test was a challenge. Even though I knew the material I couldn't read fast enough to complete it. The last two times I took the test, one time I had 13 that I didn't get to so I just put in anything and the next time I had 18.

Well yesterday I haven't study much for it because I have been busy and I think I was sick of getting my self all worked up over the test only for disappointment.

Well yesterday was everything I could have wished for. I prayed to my dad to be by my side yesterday and the morning didn't starts good. I forgot one of my billing books from work I had to stop there and pick it up early in the morning , then I got to the exam and when I sat down I realized I had papers I wasn't suppose to in my book so I had to go out to my car and drop it off then I came back up and I noticed everyone had there license and I left mine in the care so I had to go back to my car and get it because you need it for them to verify for sign in for the test. I was starting to get flustered a bit but then on my last trip to my car I grabbed my rosary beads from my car that I hand in my car to keep me safe and I put it in my pocket and I don't know why but constantly thinking of my dad.

I started the exam and I was just moving. It was awesome. I can't explain it but there was an open seat besides me during the test and I swear my dad was sitting next to me at the test helping move. Not that he would know the material but just helping me know it and feel confident. I finished the test completely no questions open with 2 minutes to spare. I handed in my test and as I was walking to get out of the building I just felt my dad walking besides and and I told him thank you. I started getting choked up on the way to my car. Tears just streamed down my face and my fist was held tight in an confident feeling of yes I did it and I knew I could. I checked my phone and saw there was one e-mail from some spam I don't remember who but in the subject if read for the dad who was by your side. I called my husband first and when he heard my tearful voice he thought the worst as before but when I tried to explain the feeling of joy and happiness and that I passed he started to get chocked up. I explained to him the e-mail on my phone. I know some of you think of what a coincidence but what are the chances and that it would say that. I had goose bumps. They always say loved ones send messages some ways and I feel like that was his way.

There are people who tell me Justin looks like my dad and I see it sometimes it is weird. But Tim told me that when Justin was in the car before I started my exam Justin did this smirky grin my dad would do and Tim swears he saw my dad so when I told him what I went through he said he wasn't going to tell as to not upset me but he also believes my dad was with me.

Another weird sign was this morning my husband said congratulation you passed and I said I couldn't have done it without my dad as I was turning on the TV, the three studges were on. My dad loved the three studges . It is not like that is on very often and I don't recall ever seeing it on TV. When my dad was sick at my house we bought him this season of dvd of three studges to brighten his spirits and it was on my TV. I find that just crazy. It was my dad. I am sorry I don't usually like to preach on my blog as to not offend anyone beliefs or push my beliefs on anyone but this is hard to tell without explaining. I just know my dad was with me and was sending me cues that he was. Last night I just got a little upset telling Tim I wish I could just hug him one last time. Also his 3 years since he has passed is coming in a week and a half and I was a bit emotional.

Yesterday I have never felt that way before. I just felt so happy and so great and not like I have ever felt before. No I don't know what my score is. It goes through Lansing and I have to wait to get it back but I should know online by the end of this week. I just know I passed though. One of my top 10 best days. I have never felt like that. Amazing.

Kindergarten orientation meltdown

2010-06-06T05:22:00.000-07:00

So we went to kindergarten orientation this past Thursday and the first thing they asked the kids to do was find there name tags. Well at the other school he was going to I was paying for it and DHS told me he would be adopted before kindergarten so I told the school to have him practice writing our last name not his old last name as to not upset him. Well since kindergarten is at a public school they have to as they told me play by the rules and if that is his legal name they have to use it. I tried explaining the situation but you know how that goes they were only half listening.

So Justin goes to find his name and he told me he couldn't find it well as soon as I went up there I realized he didn't know because his old last name is on there. I grabbed it really quick and slapped the sticker of his name high on his chest but he is very aware of his surroundings so of course he grabbed his shirt and said " mom this isn't my last name" and was pulling off the sticker.

I thought quickly and went into my purse for a marker and scribbled out the last name and told him he has to wear it and I took the last name off. He had a meltdown. Arms crossed, didn't want to answer to talk to the teacher or the principal there. I tried explaining by like I said above they must not understand foster situations because they weren't giving. I pulled Justin aside out in the hall away from everyone and explained that I am going to do everything in my power to make this better and get this fixed before kindergarten starts.

Sorry I forgot to describe the melt down part but lets just say not pretty and many people starring. Well my husband told me I should have never promised him that I would fix by September but I wanted him not to hurt or feel that pain that I can see he was feeling and was feeling really hard when he saw that last name.

I am now trying to follow through. I talked to my sister in law yesterday who is a lawyer. I asked her if I should write a letter explaining to the judge or am I going to get on his bad side. She said I should find out who the judges clerk is, and be really nice to her and ask her about the process because she says a lot of the time you can persuade the clerk and she handles the judges stuff to get things done. It is nice to have a lawyer in the family. So we will see what happens. I feel kind of bad doing that but like I said I promised him and I am following through and doing what ever I can possible for him. Cross your fingers hope this works.

I told all of you about in my last blog these cute kids I would love to adopt but there were four and if anyone knew of anyone who would adopt 4 to let them know. I am sorry to this person, but I got an e-mail asking me for the website because they couldn't find the children and by accident I deleted your e-mail and can't find it in my deleted. So I am writing it on my blog so hopefully it gets to you. I don't think I can post there picture from the website but I will post the website and you can see there picture on it. They are adorable 2 boys, 2 girl, ages 2-6. Adorable. Like I said if I knew someone in Michigan that wanted to adopt 2 I would adopt the other two and let the kids see each other all the time but unfortunately I don't. But I am truly sorry for deleting your e-mail. Here is the website http://www.nwae.org/Profile-ID.php?case=c7795-98

Hope that helps, if not e-mail me again and I promise that won't happen.

I haven't posted pictures in a while so to catch you all up on what has been going on.

Tim's Birthday

Justin's Tiger Game with Dad
Tim Caught a ball on TV and gave to Justin and they were both on TV it was cool and here is the call to prove it. They were even on the sports highlights
Justin's Graduation Day
Memorial Day weekend his first time in a sand box, his first time miniature golfing, first time tubing and did it with mom, first fish caught and fishing time with dad
Another baseball game but this was the one that is historic almost perfect game and was robbed I have a picture of the ref when he called safe when they were out that changed the game

Good weekend

2010-06-02T04:29:00.000-07:00

We had a great weekend I will try to post pics later this week but Justin had a ball up north and his graduation from small 5's on Thursday was excellent. I am going to miss that teacher they had the most memorable graduation and so cute. I kept calling him my little grad. I was so proud of him. He had to much fun up north fishing with dad and playing on swings, baseball and basketball and swimming. He didn't want to leave. It was nice because it gave me time to actually stand back and reflect on everything. I usually dwell on stuff but I was actually reflecting. Like looking in the back of the truck on the way up north saying this time last year I was saying I can't wait till I can look back there and see a little one back there and he was there and it felt great. Lots of our family and friends went up and they were playing with Justin and I just sat back and watched and enjoyed his joy he was having and he contagious laugh kills me. I couldn't stop smiling listening to that laugh he has. I was sitting there saying I love this and this is what I have been waiting for. It was nice to finally step back and get to enjoy everything rather then have stress and go go go. Justin did all weekend though beg for a brother or sister. He was the only child up north with like 20 adults. He was playing with adults but they don't play the same way with him as another child does. My mother in law was saying don't you wish you could rent a child for the weekend I just had to laugh.
By the way I saw the cutes kids ever and wish I knew someone that lived by me that was interested in adopting. I saw these cute kids on northwest adoption exchange under Idaho and there are 4 kids ranged from 2-6. I would have taken two of them in a heart beat and I would have hoped to have found someone who wanted to adopt 2 as well so that the kids could visit each other frequently. I know I defiantly love keeping kids together and I love kids but my husband would never go for 4 kids on top of having Justin he would tell me I am insane. Our life style is go go go. In the summer we go up north every weekend to clean cottages and then sports with Justin but even if I adopted the 2 older girls and someone I knew adopted the 2 younger. I know it was a thought that I shared that crossed my mind but I don't really know anyone and I wish I did. I thought that was a great idea but again it was just a thought but if you do know anyone that would be willing to adopt 4 kids together they are cute as can be .

sorry it's been so long had to get my head on straight

2010-05-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

Well I never told you about mother's day because I had nothing good to tell. I am not upset or mad about it of course I wish it was better I guess I shouldn't have these high expectations but Justin had a ruff time even after the X he did in my carpet with the marker one day and then the colored pencils again the next day. I am pretty sure I told you in the last blog I wanted to pull my hair out but I tried not to express that to much for him because mothers day was hard for him so he was acting out. He is starting to continue to act out because he is starting to forget things about his old parents and that makes him mad. He can't remember them as vividly as he wants to anymore. It will be 8 months since he first came to join our family so I think he has grown accustomed to our ways that it makes it hard to remember day to day events with them and that is hard on him. I feel bad and wish I can take that away. No 5 year old should have to feel the loss there parents. I mean they are alive and well but to him it is like they are gone because he knows he can't see them and time is passing longer and longer. Oh and for the old fathers attempt to get Justin back the social worker said that the judge looked over the documents and has found no mistakes but didn't sign off on it and the old fathers lawyer put in for an extension but they put it in later then the date they had to have it in by so she told me now it is up to the judge to decide whether he will take the extension being it came in late to look into it. I ask how long but she said 4-6 months and I asked from now and she said when the first one came in January. I asked if this would be completed before school in September and she seemed almost positive it would. I explained he doesn't like to be called by his other name he likes to be called by our name and when he just went to the dentist he even made her change his name and she said he spelt it for her and every thing. I know I thought that was sweet. So it does effect him and bother him and I just didn't want him to go through explaining the change of names at school or anything I wanted him to have a fresh new start to the school year. He is already mourning losing his friends at school. He keeps telling me he won't remember them and he won't see them again and that would be another loss for him. I told him we have there phone numbers and we can see them in the summer plus I enrolled him in there bible week classes. They have class for a week in July and the teacher says most of the class he is with will be there so I am trying to ease that. Plus he is constantly telling me he wants a big brother. Not a small sibling or boy or girl a big brother. I talked to Tim and I don't know if we could take much older then 6 maybe 7. Justin already has this many issues and he came to us at 4 going on 5 and a child in the system for a long time comes with a lot more issues plus every time you see a child that is older it always says has to be the only child or the youngest and well that isn't happening since Justin is only 5. He is really admit though and I feel bad. He keeps asking when are they going to call us. He wants someone to play with the whole summer. He is around a lot of adults so I think he wants to play with kids. School and day care he does and he will be going to day care 1 time a week for like 4 hours. We can set up play dates and stuff but I think he wants someone in the room next to him. I feel bad I can't give him that.So finally Saturday I broke down. I had to go to my sister in laws on Saturday she is getting married in September and all the ladies standing up had to go to help with invites and shower stuff and my girlfriend if you remember from last years blog that said she is like me and she will never be pregnant and was crying on my shoulder all the time and then got pregnant with in 9 months was there and she is due in 3 weeks then there is another girl that is pregnant standing up that is 4 months along and all I had to hear is about there baby stuff all day long. Both of them going back and forth. I can handle it but for only so long until I start getting upset and thinking of myself. To give you an idea we all had to be there at 12 and we stayed till 9 at night so I mean all day and I had no one to lean on and I remember when she couldn't get pregnant she always use to say how our other girlfriend that is pregnant always felt like she was throwing it in her face and felt like that is all she talked about and she was mad about it and told me she would never do that. Well guess the tide has turned. I had to hear ohh everyone feel the baby. Oh baby is hungry and wants to eat. I had to hear how cute they looked pregnant and how cute and small there babies are going to be. On top of all that my mom was getting married the same day and all I could think about was my dad. I am mad at myself now for doing it but I started drinking. I know that is not the worst thing in the world but I feel like it is when you are using it to help you not feel anything. When Tim came later because the guys came for dinner at 7 with the girls and went outside and called his mom crying and said how I didn't know how much more I can handle. I told her I missed my dad and I am constantly reminded that I can't get pregnant and I told her I felt horrible and I like to feel in control of myself and I couldn't get control of my emotions. She was so good to me. She even brought me flowers the next day and had a tear in her eye. My mother in law is awesome and I am lucky to have both her and Tim in my life. Tim was trying to find me because it was time to eat and he found me outside crying to his mom and I just couldn't help it. He kept telling em we have the best family in the world and Justin is just so perfect in our lives and he doesn't understand why Justin isn't enough for me and he just wants me to be happy. I tried explaining that Justin make me very happy and it is not that it just was a bad day. Between my mom getting married and listening to all this baby talk all day long it just was killing me that was 2 major losses in my life and I know I have never got through and I just try to deal with it and on a usual day I can I am not talking about those two things all day but when it is all day I couldn't help it. I just wanted to go home and couldn't. Of course I came in and everyone thought I was upset because I missed Justin because he was at my in laws house and yeah I missed him but not enough to cry over it was only a few hours but I let them believe that. So I swore to Tim I will not drink again just to not feel emotions. I was mad at myself and didn't want Justin to see me weak. He needs to see my strong. I wasn't drunk but I was tipsy. I know when to stop because like I said before I like to be in control of myself and I don't like to make a fool of myself but I just wanted the edge off. Sorry it has been so long since my last post but I didn't have that much nice things to say and I didn't want to be a Debbie downer. We are going up north this week to have fun and it should be a great time. Also no distractions. No pregnant ladies I won't think of my dad. Just good fun with my family and family friends. Talk to you all soon thanks for listening. :)

Happy Early Birthday DAD we all miss you!

2010-05-06T06:47:00.000-07:00

Dad we miss you so much. I know your birthday is tomorrow but as you know we are leaving for Chicago tomorrow so we celebrated it last night and you know we will be thinking of you on Friday. I miss you so much and wish you were here to see my little guy. You would love him. He loves cars just like you. He wants a red fast car when he gets older and I showed him your picture of your red lambo and he was amazed and asked if he could have it and I explained we don't have it anymore and he said he would really have liked to have meet you. When we brought home the cake to sing happy birthday Justin said why don't we go up top heaven and bring it and I thought that was the cutest thing in the world. Every night since Monday when I told him your birthday is coming he has been saying this birthday prayer in the prayer book I got him every night and saying he says it for you and he says the I miss you prayer too. It is so sweet and so cute and thoughtful and we think about you always as you know. I wish you can be here I can really use your strength right now. You know mom and how she is and she is just so mean and Justin over heard me when I was talking int he laundry room talking my my Ricky (my brother) about how mean mom is and how she always takes every one's side but mine here own family. She is giving me the silent treatment again and I don't know how much more I can take from her dad. I try to be nice because she is my mom and because you would want me to have some sort of family even though I consider Tim's family my family as you did. She does this to me all the time. She is never there for us doesn't care about anyone but her self and doesn't care who she is hurting dad and she is really putting me in a bad place where I start to get angry. Tim was telling me yesterday how I should be able to realty to Justin more then anyone because I didn't have the best family growing up. I had you but that was all I had. You know Ricky is about money and mom is too and you know that is why she is marrying this poor man. I don't think he knows what he is getting himself into but I feel once he marry's her she is no longer my responsibility. I know I told you I would always take care of mom and Rick but now that she is getting married and Rick is being taken care of by him I don't feel like I have to be part of all that. She is being really childish over foolish stuff and she is being really hurtful and telling me I am always there for Tim's family and not for ours. But I am the one who comes out there every year if it wasn't for me going I would have never seen her again. She makes no attempts to come out here and see us. She has a grandson now for God sakes. It hurt me that she didn't go to his birthday party we threw him but I got over it and figured she would try to at least come down and see this little guy who is now a part of this family and she could care less. It is all about her and her boyfriend she doesn't act like a mom as you know she acts like a 16 year old girl. I have tried dad. I swear I didn't do anything wrong. I told her I wasn't going to Christina's wedding in NY in January dead of winter. Told mom that if it was in the summer or spring or something we would make a vacation out of it but to pay for 3 airplane tickets because Justin gets car sick and pay $110 a person for a gift for here because mom says that is how much the plates are and a hotel room for 2 nights and food and everything else I am spending a fortune on a family that can give a crap about me. Mom was more made that I wasn't going to that wedding then her own. She is having it in the backyard and I think the guy is nice but he will never be my dad nor would I consider or call him a step dad. All I can think of is you and it is too weird to be standing at your own mom's wedding to another guy I just don't feel comfortable. Not only that but she has never been here once she left after you passed. She didn't even send Justin something for Easter. I mean he is a kid grandma's are suppose to want to do that stuff for there grandsons. I don't care if she doesn't want to be a mother to be and treat me like a door mat fine but not to my little boy. Be a grandma let him know you cared. Justin asked if she sent anything for Easter because Tim's mom spoiled him death so I gave him one of the presents from us and said it came from her. That is sad and makes me more mad with her. Dad I also have to let you know I sent mom flower and a card for mothers day already I know she got them on Monday because Rick told me when I called to wish him a happy birthday and she couldn't even call and say thanks. I even sent a card to her boyfriend for his upcoming birthday. No thanks or anything. I get treated like I am a nobody and if she can't call me back or call to say thanks for what I sent not even a e-mail then I am done dad. I am sorry and I am sure you understand because you know how she is but I am done. She can't keep bringing me down and I am not going to let it effect Justin that is my son and she is not going to do that to him like she has done to me all these years. If she doesn't want to be part of our lives fine but I don't want her calling me for nothing because you know how she loves to call when she needs something. I just she could just be a grown up and just call me back I have called her three times for her to call and nothing. I mean this is childish. We haven't talked in almost a month now and Rick agrees she is being unreasonable but he says he can't say anything because she pays his bills and school and everything else so you know how that goes. I also have been thinking about what to give her for her wedding. This is awkward how much do you spend, what would she like she is having it in the backyard of her boyfriends house. I sent cookies that are designed for a wedding since she will only have a few people there they can snack on and I don't know what else if something engraved or what. I wish you could be here so I would have someone from my past that at least cares and can share in this exciting time of having Justin with me besides Tim's family. You know how Tim is very similar to you and he doesn't like fights or arguments and always wants everyone to get along but he is even saying dad that I should just be done with her because she is just bringing me down making Justin ask questions about her and she just puts a negative spin and stress to my life and he said we don't need that and if she can't join in our happiness because I think he is mad for how much we have done for her since you passed and how she is never there for us when we would like and it effects Justin. He asks why she doesn't visit or call. I don't think that is far and I don't want to lie to him and says she is busy I just tell him she is mad at mommy. It is hard. He has been through enough I don't want him to be drug into her drama she like to create. Thanks dad for listening. I have had so much to tell you. I feel funny sometimes talking by myself in some room what if someone walked in and thought I was talking to myself. I know you are around me I can sometimes feel it or you play with the music dials int he car and it makes me smile and sad because I miss you and can really use you in my life right now. Tomorrow you would have been 51 years old. I miss you more then you can imagine and I know you see Justin but I wish he could have met you. You two would have loved one another he would have been your little buddy. I show him pic's of you all the time and he calls you grandpa I have a pic of him next to your cake below. Love you and miss you so much. xxxoooo

Ruff Patch

2010-05-03T15:44:00.000-07:00

Boy have we had a ruff patch. Poor Justin with this eye patch it is a struggle to make him wear it and he fights me and is nasty every time we put it on. He finally told me he is thinking about his mom a lot and every time he thinks of her he is bad he says. Well he must be thinking about her a bunch because today he was on 2 separate occasions in time out for 30 minutes. It starts out as 5 minutes then if he continues to talk back or be mean or physical or any of the unnecessary behavior he gets an added 5 minutes then stars also get taken away. We have a star policy that if he does good things like cleans his room, or brings his laundry down for mom or uses the swifter to vacuum the tile or shares or shows nice behaviors to show he is trying to be a good person he gets a start and for so many stars he gets stuff that we bought on top of the fridge that he can see so he wants it and if he is bad and they are taken away things can be taken away. Well that was working for a while but now it is getting difficult. He is like a different kid something just snaps in his brain. We have had the talk that it is okay to miss your mom but we can't have that kind of behavior. He has been laughing even at our punishments. It had been ruff. I don't know what else to take away but tv and his 1/2 hour of play station he gets but he is being stubborn then anything I have ever seen before. AHHHH. I am ready to pull my hair out. I just want to have those fun days. I guess I thought we got through the hurdles that were tuff for the first 4to 5 months but we are back and maybe a little worse then that. We had such a good bonding family fun time for last while here and these last few weeks I don't know like 3 to 4 weeks have been ruff. Since probably sometime after Easter he started to change. I am trying my hardest to keep my cool in front of him and try to sit down and talk it out but you can't at his age. He continues to be more definite until I walk away and tell him you are in time out I will not talk to you until the time out is over and you have time to think and of course he says I don't need to think and I am not going to think and I tell him that is fine then just sit there if you choose to then the remark is I don't choose to sit here at all and I wont then that starts and I just walk away and remind him that if he gets up he will get more time. So you can imagine in 60 minutes total for the day of time out how many times he continue to test to no end. The time kept increasing and the stars kept coming down and then stuff kept being taken away until finly he tells me he will listen to later he does it all over again. Ahhh I am some what new to the whole parenting thing and he is driving me crazy. I want my sweet little boy back I miss him. I tell him that when he is in a better mood and he hugs me (awww) I know but then he can start up in a second. I am only human and I sometimes think I am a horrible parents or something when I see everyone Else's kids listening and even the child that also came out of foster care and was recently adopted comes out of the class and asks his mom if she is happy with him today as I listen to the teacher today say "Justin you need to listen stop what you are doing and look at me and she had to get up and get eye to eye with him because he continued to act up. I swear this is not like him and I am not just saying it because I am his mom but I truly can tell you he hasn't done this and it is driving me crazy and walk out of the school with my head down praying people aren't judging me as a parent for the way he is. The teacher had to pull me aside and everything with him. He hasn't gotten in trouble in school yet but she told me today for the first time he has been acting up a lot lately not listening and wanted to know if anything has changed in the home which it didn't and I just explained to her he says he has been thinking about his mom a lot lately and that is causing him to do this and I am not sure what to do. She said she will continue to work with him. I feel helpless. how do I get him to listen to the teacher at school he know he losses stars if he is bad at school. Well I am trying my best and I guess that is all I can do.

Thank you!

2010-04-30T08:23:00.001-07:00

Thank you everyone for your comments and help. They were all very helpful. Just to answer some questions that were asked and that I can tell you with out giving his personal life away is he is very attached to us. His counselor is not an attachment counselor but she says in his play she tells me we are doing a great job and in the short time we have had him she is amazed with how comfortable and affectionate he is to us. So I don't know necessarily if it is an issue with attachment but maybe in some way. He doesn't know about the appeal his dad made that we are waiting for the judge to still finalize so he thinks we are just waiting for the worker to get the paper work through but the adoption worker is finished that quick because she said since we where with catholic social services to adopt a baby we had all adoption and foster info already worked out so she just had to do an addendum to the previous report that was already done. So once the judge gives up the go ahead we will be able to get court scheduled right away since it is already done with paper work. He doesn't know that because we don't need another thing hanging over his head. He is already practicing in school are last name because it is a catholic pre school and we pay out of our pocket for it the teacher is very personable and told us she will have him practice our last name even though it is not official yet. But I would like it to be official before he starts Kindergarten in public school because then his last name will be the old one and he doesn't like when I make doctor appointments with his old name he says I am not that I am your last name. So he seems to feel secure. He gets a lot of love. Not only are we always showing him lots of love but grandma and grandpa can't get enough of him. After his eye appointment today my mother in law was so nice she kept offering to take Justin for a little while till the ball game tonight and I kept telling her no but she insisted I had a little me time because she said she can tell that I need a little break to refuel. So I made an appointment to get my hair cut in a little bit and to get some stuff done around the house and I am bringing in my car for oil change and stuff like that. I needed this just to refuel so he doesn't feel my aggravation. I try not to show it but my mother in law sees it which means he has to see it so I thought her taking him for a little was best. I was a little stressed this morning because he failed his eye exam at school in one eye and I was praying that we would have best case scenario and he would just need some glasses but no unfortunately it had to be worst case scenario. He has a cataract in his right eye so he needs surgery which we scheduled for after vacation and the soonest was August 2 which I am of course nervous as can be for him because he was scared just going to the eye doctor to look in his eye my mother in law went with me for support and boy was I happy she did because as I was scheduling for surgery she took him into the waiting room and then I started to cry. I couldn't help it. It just bothered me. I think it was just everything. He has to wear a patch for 3-4 hours a day to build strength in the eye with the cataract because it is becoming lazy which is going to be a challenge a big challenge for us and him and going into surgery you never want to see your baby scared and hurting and having to go through surgery I even am scared and fearful of surgery for me so I can only imagine what his little brain was thinking. He was so scared when the drops were in his eyes to help dilate them he kept saying he couldn't see his hand and he wants to be better I hope he is better before the game tonight. Grandma is also taking him to get his haircut which I really so have the best in laws ever that is why I call them mums and papa. They are like my parents even though I don't have really a mom at least I have them. They help tremendously and relieve the pressure. This is the first time I have had me time in I don't know how long. I am usually dropping him off at school coming back home working from home picking him up to come home and work some more from home or I go to work and go pick him up. This is so different to me not having by me or in this quiet house. hahah. I am really trying but I just want to be a better mother and that is why I asked for your help. I just needed to know what you would do if in this situation. We give him everything toys, his own room and a toy room. love experiences, fun, family. We try our best and sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. I love him to death, Tim does grandma and grandpa, 2 aunts and 3 uncles all love him more than anything and he knows it and is so spoiled by all even our friends. He seems to really fit in and to be really happy but it just seems even my mother in law said after talking about it today that he snaps. He almost has bipolar. You can never see when the out burst is going to happen then he acts like what happened I didn't do it but then later can tell you why or what happened. It is really weird and I have told the counselor but she said he is to young to be checked for any bipolar but to keep an eye on it and that it just my be his experience or we don't know what he was exposed to at birth that can set off his mind to be like a different person. I mean when he got made an lunged at me and pulled my hair and tried to punch me I was so shocked that I think that is why I screamed at him so loud almost like I was a little scared of him but needed him to wake up and be his normal self. I can't explain it but that action is not like him. I do really appreciate the help and this will be an upward battle for a while and I understand but it scares me when he acts like that or when I feel like I am losing control of him and losing control of my actions is why he stayed up in his room for the rest of the night. I didn't know what else to do or who to ask and Tim wasn't home my in laws were up north and I needed help and appreciate you all so much. I don't care if you are a mom to some kids or a dog, or a bird it doesn't matter to me if you never parented a child I just needed any ones ideas or input to help me figure out what to do because you have to remember this is my first time being a parent too. I didn't get him from birth and can feel him out and adjust to knowing his past or what he is accustomed so I am new at this too getting a 5 year old and not knowing what is normal for a boy that age and what is not but I know the carpet is just a thing and that didn't bother me as much as him telling me he just felt like it and giggling at me as he is telling me and then attacks me by pulling my hair and trying to kick and punch me. So I do appreciate every one's in put and help. Thank you all so much for being there for me in the time of weakness. Even though I have never met you in person I do feel you are all my friends because you did more for me then any of my friends I see all the time have done for me so thanks so much from the bottom of my heart. :)

Need Help!!!!!

2010-04-29T12:20:00.001-07:00

So I wanted to strangle Justin today. I don't mean it literally but he was just pushing me over the edge and I feel bad saying that because I have waited all this time but I need to ask for some help or what you think. So Yesterday I picked Justin up from school he was in a great mood and all was good. I just finished kidding around and dancing to the theme music fro one of his shows on Nick and he was laughing and loves to dance and play funny when that music comes on and after it was over he was watching it and coloring with his crayons. I told him I would be right back I just had to do a little work since I worked from home yesterday to be with him more he came running in like 5 maybe 10 minutes later all happy and jumping around and jumping on my lap and that is when I noticed the marker all over his hands. I mean all over his hand. I said Justin where did you get marker from because you know you are not allowed to play with marker in this house especially on our carpet. I told him there better not be any marker on the carpet. He went running then I knew something was wrong. I went in and he was sitting on it and acted like he didn't know what happened then gave me 50 million ways of how it could have happened but all by mistake and none matched up with what he was saying. So after he was in time out for and hour because he after I told him I was throwing away the markers because he is not to play with them in the house and I told him no TV for the rest of the day he refused to get on the couch for a time out so the time keep increasing even though it started at 5 minutes. After his hour time out I made him dinner and told him to eat and spend the rest of the night up in his room. He had that tacked on to no PlayStation and now his punishment was not TV yesterday and today and no PlayStation for the same days and he had to play in his room for the rest of last night. He said he was sorry last night then he told my husband he did it because he was thinking of his old parents and what they did (can't get into specifics of what he said) because that made him be taken from them and he didn't want to be taken. I asked him if her was unhappy here and he said no but he missed his old mom and dad. Now we have an open door policy that he can ask us or talk to us about anything and we are very open with him we also have a counselor to help to ease these issues without the big blow ups we use to have for the first 3 months but those blow ups are now starting to come back. So he did tell us sorry and that he should be without all those things for a week and I told him 2 days is good. So I was being nice I read him a story still before he went to bed and said our prayers and today I picked him up from school bought him McD's like he likes, I let him have a piece of one of the Easter candy things he likes,and I watched a program that is for me but he likes it too and is fine for his age even thought he is not to watch TV I said he just can't watch what I am watching. I was on the phone with work since it is end of the month and they had questions and I get off the phone come in the room and he took a colored pencil and colored on my carpet in the same spot. I was so mad. I asked him calmly why he did it. The first thing he said was that he was not mad at anyone. I asked why did he do it. I made up some story again. So tomorrow he is suppose to go with Tim and I to a Tigers game his first baseball game he is really excited about and I told Justin to tell me the truth or he doesn't go he just keeps going around it so I took away the rest of his candy and he lunged at me really aggressively and was trying to fight me to get the candy and he looked really mean. I told him that is not going to happen I ripped it out of his hand picked him up and carried him up the stairs and as we were going he was kicking and kicked a spindle but I didn't baby him I just kept on going and put him in his room now he is in there for the rest of the night again. I don't know what is wrong with him all of a sudden. He told me just now after an hour in his room I asked him why he did it because at the time it happened I can't tell you how my heart was pounding out of my chest and heat in my head after he tried hurting me and called me dumb which he has never ever did. I know he could have learned that from his old family but he never has ever said that he he has been really mad and blown up before and I have never heard him say that. But he told me he colored on the carpet just because he wanted to. I felt like taking one of his toys and breaking it and saying how does it feel to have something of your ruined but I didn't want to sick to a child's level. But this is the first time he is ruining our stuff. He usually always ruins his own stuff and we tell him we won't buy him anything anymore is he is not going to care about what we get him. I am so mad at him he lost TV and PlayStation again for tomorrow maybe longer depending on what Tim says because he is going to hit the roof once he finds out. My husband was questioning me last night if I think it is all the immunizations we had to give him. I know that is controversial but he had none given and now that rights are termed even though we are still waiting on birth dad's appeal and they say it should be a done deal they told me to catch him up on the the immunization he should have had so since February he has had a lot and a lot of them mixed and usually kids don't get that much at one time they get it through out life it is also a concern because of the Mercury in them and he would have had a much higher level then other kids since he has had so much in the past 3 month he has had at least 11 immunization in that time. It is questionable. I just don't know. I asked if it had anything to do with his old parents he said not this time and I asked again then why he said he just felt like it and kind of giggled. I don't know what else to do. I know we look like a little perfect family but I don't want to talk about all the bad and negative when I have been waiting for this all this time and I finally get it when other friends in the blog world are still waiting for there chance to have a family. I know when I was waiting I used to say I wished people would appreciate what they have rather then not and I felt how fair is that they get to have a baby when they complain and I am over here waiting and so it makes me feel bad to say all this but truly I love and appreciate him but I need some help or input or something. Guidance even. He is driving me crazy and I don't know how to stop this behavior that is just springing back into action. I haven't seen him like this since maybe January and now he is back to this and it is bad. It is so bad that screamed at him when I was putting him in his room because he grabbed on to my hair and pulled that my throat hurts and I feel bad for that but he was just a monster and I don't understand it. When a kid ruins your stuff has nothing to say for it but they feel like it and giggle when they can tell your mad, and they lunge at you and call you dumb and pull your hair I just felt like I was going to loose it. I need some input to help me figure this out or to be a better mom. I don't know and now I am asking for help. HELP!!!!

What if you got pregnant as planned

2010-04-29T07:02:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about this yesterday when I was trying to figure out why the infertility bothered me so much. I decided to dig deep and figure out my true feelings. Well I thought if everything went as planned and I got pregnant would I have 2 kids or 3. Tim always wanted 2 and I always wanted 3. I wondered how big or small our babies would be, what my stomach would look like pregnant? Would my children have been healthy? Who would they look like Tim or me? Would they be a girl and a boy or 2 boys or 2 girls? Would the girl or girls be daddy's little girl like I was would the boys be mommas boys? What would they look like? What would there personality be like? I know this kind of sounds silly to think about someone or something that never happened but it is a fantasy. It is something you think about before you decided to try to get pregnant out of curiosity and now that you learn you won't be pregnant those thoughts start to become real since it hits you that won't happen that fantasy you had. That is very real. I know you shouldn't dwell on the past but I figured if it bothered me this much I needed to figure out why and to understand my feelings about it because just like when my dad past and the infertility happened both were a big loss for me and I just closed up my feelings and said you have to just learn to deal with it. Then I think I am okay just like at the shower and all of a sudden those emotions came out of know where. I didn't think I would be effected like that. This happened to me the other day. I was in the store getting Birthday cards and mothers day card. May is a very busy month as mother's day card for both my mom and Tim's and my brother's birthday, Tim's birthday, my dad's was in May and my mom's boyfriend or soon to be husband is also in May and as I was being nice looking for a card for his birthday I couldn't help getting teared up in the store looking for his birthday card because all I can think is I am looking for a card for my mom's soon to be husband when I should be looking for a card for my dad even though he is not here any more it still sparked at me all of a sudden in the store and that lingered with me all day. That is when I decide to look deeper and figure out why I get that way and why I can't just express my emotions normally without feeling I am wrong in some way. I am not one to go to a psychiatrist. Not that I don't believe in them as I know a bunch of people who get help but I would rather vent and talk about it with friends and family that knew what I went through rather then tell someone who I know is going to tell me what I already know as I am not dealing with the issue which I am trying to do now. Thanks for letting me express and get this out so I can leave this here and not let it tag along with me all day in my mind. These are just some of my thoughts I was thinking about yesterday and it followed me to today and I figured when I type it out I get it out and feel better for the rest of the day. Thanks :)

infertility doesn't get any easier

2010-04-26T05:45:00.000-07:00

I really thought that once Justin came I wouldn't have that feeling because I got what I always wanted which is family. I have a family now and it makes me so happy and blessed that I have it but pieces of me keep surprising me when I get emotional thinking about my infertility. So last year if you were reading my blog I told you about my girlfriend who latched on to me because she couldn't get pregnant but of course she thought it would happen first try so she tried for 8 months and couldn't get pregnant. Now for all of us we say 8 months is nothing she didn't even have to go to a specialist or any fertility treatment what so even not even clomid. But she would cry on MY SHOULDER someone who has been trying for in May 5 years now compared to here 8 month. She would cry and cry and criticize our other friend who was pregnant because she would say she couldn't even look at her because it would get her upset and she couldn't even go to a baby shower all this drama and only tried 8 months. She hated when our friend would rub her belly all the time she thought it was throwing it in our faces now I didn't say much in front of her because I was actually being smart and thinking what if she gets pregnant. Well guess what she did in her 9 months try. After she knew and didn't tell us for three months, when she found out she was pregnant was the day after I got Justin. I didn't see her for the whole 3 months not even to see Justin. So once she announced it she tried coming around all the time. Well anyway I am rambling I will get to it she had her baby shower yesterday. I honestly didn't have a bother in the world that I was going I just felt I have done this so many times I am fine and not feeling sad or emotional at all just saying in my head ok how long is this going to be because as you know like hers was like 4 hours and you get bored after a while or after watching gift after gift for over and hour. You get a little bit tired and like come on already I don't like going to these as it is that is why my bridal shower was in my mother in laws backyard and anyone and everyone could go and it was like a picnic style thing with volleyball, horse shoes, and a bunch of other things to do so people could get up and be casual and not feel contained to a room full of women for 4 hours. Sorry rambling again I have to get that under control. Any way her baby shower was yesterday and I was fine she was doing all the things of course that she hated when my friend was doing when she was pregnant that made me chuckle. Then before she opened her gifts she made a little speech just saying how she used to be jealous of pregnant women and now she is one and how Happy she is and now she finally feels like she fits in and all is right in her life and I don't remember what she said after because the first two sentences was all I can handle but now I fit in in and she gave our girlfriend who had the baby a little gift bag for the baby and all when before she would never even hold the baby because that would be helping our friend out and she didn't think she deserved help. I think that is just ridiculous and now she holds this little baby at the shower and gives her gifts and all and oh she did mention how her our our girlfriend are now going to be closer and bonded now that there babies can play. It started to hit me after as I started gazing and wondering off in my head as she was opening the presents. It was like my husband had a six sense. My phone vibrated and he was texting me at the shower and this is word for word our text to each other Tim: "how long until you will be home we miss you" Mine"I miss you too so much too why is Justin driving you crazy or something" Tim: "no were playing baseball and were thinking of you and wanted you home". Mine Well that sounds like fun I wish I was there instead of here this doesn't get any easier to go to these baby showers" Tim" Well we both love you and we have the best family anyone could want. I just have to say how cute. Then tears started to stream down my face and I had to excuse myself. I couldn't help it I just all of a sudden found I was an emotional mess at this shower and was afraid for anyone to see me like that. It was so hard I just wanted to go home to my family. I felt like no one knew how I felt. I felt alone and trapped. I am watching my 2 friends that had there kids there one who had a young baby that I was talking about earlier and my other some what of a friend who was pregnant and rubbing her tummy like crazy and I honestly didn't feel like I fit in. All these women got to experience being pregnant and having pictures of there big belly's and having a shower and everyone being excited for you and excited to see this baby, and they all get to experience and talk about the first time they held and looked at there child and they will get to share memories of the child as a baby and get to go through the whole experience and probably do it again for another child. I just feel so happy to have Justin but I can't say I even have a picture of him any younger then when he first came to us. There was no pictures and I don't know his background. I can't tell him his nationalities and don't know what his religion was before but we are choosing one for him since we don't know, I can't tell him any family history. DHS doesn't have any of this stuff so it is hard. I can't say when he was born he weighed ---- and
he was this long ----- and he was born at ------ time. I don't know where all his scares came from I know some but not all that has happened to him in his life and all these women have no idea of what that feels like because they are all going to experience it and they all think I am fine because I have Justin when I guess I am obviously not. So no infertility never gets easier and I had learned that yesterday. It still carries into today and I don't know how to stop this and move on. It is the same thing with my dad passing I know I will never get over it but when can I just learn to deal with it. It is so hard and I don't want Justin or Tim to ever feel that from me. I have to be showing it in some way if it is bothering me this much. I don't want that to happen they mean to much to me. I just am trying to look forward. But why can't I deal with it. I will never get pregnant we did all we could do exhausted ever option and now are adopting to make our dream for a family come true but the infertility still creeps in my head and starts being this negative force. I feels like a magnet it sucks the life out of you. I make me so emotional and upset. I hate that because I know I was always stronger then that. After my dad and the infertility it is like I have become weak. Just like I said like it sucked the life out of me. Thanks for all listening this is the only place I can go and really explain myself and feel like people understand me and not judge me. I can't talk this openly with anyone because they truly don't understand these feelings at all and I felt some of you may have felt this as well. I just don't want to hear another person is pregnant or inviting me to any baby showers for a while.Thank you all again.

Poor child YOU HAVE TO READ THIS

2010-04-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

This is so sad and breaks my heart. This poor child and I can't believe this woman can possible do this. You make your own opion. This upset me.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/eu_russia_adopted_boy

Baby clothes

2010-04-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

Ever since I got that call in February for that infant from DHS I have thought about what if they call me today I will be ready. I don't think I want to do that. Before that call I was obsessed with the fact we were parents to Justin who is our dream come true. We were happy with just him for the rest of our lives until that call came in and all of a sudden my heart opened up to the idea of a baby. I don't like that I feel that way because I don't want to be greedy and I don't know if it is just the feeling because of loss that all my friends are pregnant or just had a baby that I feel lose that I can't have one or I didn't get to experience it but I know I am truly happy with Justin 100% but I have these thoughts and more so when a baby shower or a baby is born or even when I go in the extra share bedroom I think about it because I have all the baby stuff in there. I have clothes for both boy and girl clothes, burp rags, bottles, a little bear lamp and piggy bank, blankets, bibs, baby toys and even a play pen. I am honestly thinking about giving it to my mother in law and if I need a baby outfit for a friend I can just go over to her house. Everyone thinks I am crazy when I say that and I am wondering from fellow infertile blogging friends if you ever feel this way. When I say everyone says I should just store it out of site that is my family and friends even my mother in law said she will store it but she doesn't understand why I wouldn't just store it. I feel out of site out of mind and I feel like it is some kind of closer. I feel I might need that last closer. You know what everyone said after that RIGHT. You will probably get pregnant or get a call on an infant. I say out of sight out of mind and if it happens then the worst thing that can happen is I go over there and get it all back but do I truly think I will really get it all back. NO. Do I think I will ever get pregnant? NO Do I think I will ever get a call on an infant? NO. Could it happen possibly but the probability is no. I think we will adopt one more child and they will be older then an infant. I check websites for kids that are under 7 that need a home all the time but it just seems harder to adopt a child out of state. But anyway instead of changing subjects that is just how I feel and was thinking about packing it up this weekend and wanted to know what everyone thought. Am I being ridiculous? have others thought of this? what was you experience. I am thinking about packing it all up this weekend not sure yet see how much time I have. I just think this may be enough closer so I can just focus on my little boy. :)

Family Easter photo

2010-04-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

I always tell my husband Tim that we don't have a lot of family photo's all together and it was Easter and we already left my in laws house and had no one to take our pic and Tim found that we had a timer on my camera who knew. Well here are a few of our family photos to capture this memory that will last forever and there are a few takes because we have never had a timed pic before.

Easter

2010-04-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

We colored Easter eggs yesterday and he loved it he had a lot of fun. It was everything I can dream of. I have been dreaming and imagining doing this with a child of our own for many years and finally my time has come and I can't put in to words how great that felt.

Today Happy Easter! The picture below he just woke up and he saw a gift from us. No it is not a picnic table but a table for sand on one side and water on the other for boat and cars and stuff with an umbrella so he doesn't burn while he pl ayes. He was very excited amongst all the other things we bought him for Easter. I know we spoiled him everyone keeps telling me but I feel like we have missed almost 5 years of his life and I feel like just want him to enjoy it as much as we do. When he would go wow look at this I am a lucky boy, I couldn't help but get a little teary eyed because he doesn't have any idea how lucky I am to have him. We tell him every day but I don't think he truly gets it. I get butterflies and teary when he gets so excited and I see that excitement because that is everything I couldn't wait to experience and these are moments I will never get back and I want to cherish them.

After eggs and gifts inside we went and took showers and dressed up for church and we let him find the rest of his eggs outside with his nice clothes on I now what was I thinking but it was the only way to get him excited about going to church and bringing some of the candy to church. Sorry some of these are side ways but I have not been feeling good today. It started yesterday and I think it is sinus. My head is killing me and my eyes are waterier, throat sore, nose running and ears pop when swallowing. Hope you all have a good Easter.

Sorry it has been so long

2010-04-01T03:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been so long but not much to report on until now. No we haven't heard back from the judge that the petition was denied from the birth dad but we hope it is soon. We will have had Justin 6 months April 5. He came to us October 5 and I will never forget that day as long as I live as that was the day this little boy changed our lives forever. The adoption worker thinks she can finalize the adoption by May but without a finalization on the petition from the court we are kind of waiting while the agency is finalizing and tying up the loose ends so we can adopt him as soon as the petition denies. It is so wonderful listening to Justin call us mom and dad. I truly thought it would never happen because he talked so much about his birth parents but he choose to call us mom and dad. I write a journal for him of what is going on and that he started calling us mom and dad since March 1. It just is a huge step but now he is going through this thing where he has night mares about his birth parents taking him away. He keeps asking when he is ours and I tell him he is. He keeps saying I know but when is it official that my last name changes and I told him hopefully soon but every time the social worker or the adoption lady come over it just reminds him that this is not done yet. I hate that because he is trying to move forward and we are pushing him forward and telling him not to worry about anything because he is ours and will always be but he is a smart kid and tells that he understands but I know that it is in the back of his mind and I can't wait for that day in court to make it official. I know it is just a paper and to me we don't need a paper he is ours but to him it would mean the world and I think close that chapter of his life. I wish the system can see what it does to kids and how waiting all this time just gives them anxiety they shouldn't have to have. It just sometimes seems like they play a game see how much you can take. It is to me if I had him the 6 months and you recommend and tell us we are great parents for him and we have a tone of paper work and back round checks and all why can't you pick up the process for these children.
Well anyway since last Friday until now all Justin talks about is wanting a brother or sister. I think he is hearing the kids at school because every child in his class has a sibling and most of the kids in his class are the youngest. He I think hears the good stuff about how much fun they have and that and it makes him want to have a sibling. So on Monday when I went to pick him up at school one of the moms I always talk to (she also adopted and our sons are good friends) she brought he niece with her to pick up her son and he niece was probably 2 but Justin comes out of class in front of all the moms and says "where did you get that baby did you go to the hospital and pick he out and mom (to me) why can't we have a baby and think you and dad need to have a baby". My face was 5 shades of red. I know he is just a kid but I was just so embarrassed all I can do was laugh. The things that kid comes up with. He tells me on the way home from school can we go to the hospital and pick out a baby. I told him that is not the way it works. He said did those people (DHS) call you about a baby needing a home. I told him not yet. He then said well when are they going to call already. hahahah. He cracks me up and also asked me why can't I have babies. I feel bad I can't give him that. I know he wants a brother or sister so bad. He talks about how he will show the child right from wrong and tell them there alphabet, reading, and even teach them some Spanish words he learned in school. How cute. I hope they do call us. Ever since that call in February I always keep my phone now next to me so we are ready for the next child now that Justin wants a sibling it is hard. Well like everyone says everything happens for a reason. Well see where life takes me. I did have a person at work that thought there may be a potential to adopt a child but that fell through. The baby was due May 1 they decided to keep it and have mom help. We found out about in February after the first call about a baby but then we found out last we before meeting us they backed out. We were suppose to meet this Saturday but found out Tuesday they backed out. I really didn't hold my breath on that one because the girl seemed very unsure which left me with an unsure feeling. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I just try to keep the faith that one of these days I will be called and this child will be a big impact on our lives and family. I will keep you posted until then. :)

Everything happens for a reason

2010-03-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

So Justin's social worker came over today and she told my husband how we were lucky that we didn't get involved in that baby that we were called about they they said nothing was wrong with. She said the baby is on her case load and has a lot of severe issues and as you know I can't go into to much detail but pretty much had stuff wrong with the child that we had we couldn't handle on our info we gave to DHS. My husband just happened to ask the social worker about the baby and she said we were lucky we didn't get involved because it would have been really hard on us and she was not sure we would even think to adopt again if DHS placed us with this baby. She said the CPS worker who took the case came up to Justin's social worker and told her she wouldn't call us again because we asked to many questions and were being picky. Now I swear to you all we are not that picky but something didn't seem right to us and Justin's social worker even said she knew about the child but didn't want to share with us because most of them just need to find a home for the child at the time and will tell you what you want to hear to place the child and she said she felt bad saying it but that it was true that the issue lands in there lap and they are just trying to find a place at that moment. That makes me mad. Why can't these people be up front and honest with you. I mean I don't want a child to be bounced from one home to the next at all so just be honest with me so I can say yes I can handle this or no we can't. We were not being picky but what I found odd is that our license is 0-7 years old and I was shocked they would ask us to take a baby when there is a bunch of people wanting a baby. I thought they would place us with and older child as those children seem harder to place. But the lady said on the phone to me there was nothing wrong and I asked what is the catch or the issue with this child she said nothing I even asked about other know sibling issues that may tell me about the child and she said she didn't know of any which I find out was also a lie. What the heck. How am I suppose to know when they call if it is a child I can deal with or not. If I can't handle a child for specific reasons then I can't take them on. I work and so does my husband yes granted luckily my work is flexible I work from home 2 days a week and Friday have a half a day but I still have to put in 40 hours or more when needed I can't take on sever issues and this child has. I can deal with behavioral or emotional issues I deal with that with my little guy. It isn't easy but we can handle it these issues were severe she said not even mild or moderate she said severe and you know when DHS says severe is a lot harder issue meaning more one on one and more doctor appt and or hospital and special schools and the whole thing and I can't take that on in my life and work. I am sorry to ramble but I just found this out today and it angered me and made me second guess DHS and even if I should do this with them again. I am so grateful for Justin and lucky. I want to have another for him and for us but I can't dole out any more money then I already have on my other agency and all the infertility we spent I don't have the money to go to another place. I am not sure what to do because who do you trust to do the right thing. Right now we have Bethany doing Justin's adoption which DHS hired them out to do the adoption and because he is an older child it is not much money at all to adopt just a bunch of hoops but they were saying they also do fostering and adoptions but how do I know I could trust them as well. I am so sceptical. It just made me made that this worker knew the issues and didn't share it then is telling Justin's Social worker and God knows who else that we were difficult and asked to many questions and was being picky and now we might not be called because we were sceptical when we obviously had a right to be. It just upsets me and makes me mad but obviously I am venting to you and not them as to not cause any waves but is that not right and not right of her to slam us. She didn't say to the worker she won't call but the social worker said don't expect to get any calls from her anytime soon and that makes me think if she told a bunch of people who would want to work with us. GRRRR. Makes me made all these loops to get to a dream of a family. That is all I want. I don't want to cause waves. We were told through all of our training of 28 hours of PRIDE we need to ask as many questions as possible as to not have the child bounce from home to home what happened to that is that just something they are suppose to say to draw you in to help them with these children but just not follow it. I will be honest with you on the profile we filled out we said we would take mild conditions of anything like emotional, physical, mental, learning and we said we would consider talking about any moderate issues depending on the situation it was but no severe issues because it is what we can handle, but this was severe and I am being told nothing wrong. Hello anything wrong with this. I am sorry to get to mean but this is just raw emotion I am pumping on this page and tomorrow I will probably say I probably shouldn't have said it but for now I am just so frustrated at that system I can scream. Thank you for listening to me vent. I think I needed that.
On the positive because I have to at least have one I love my little boy and he makes me smile so much I just couldn't wait to come home to him today. We read a story before he went to bed and Tim said he didn't stop talking about him wanting me to read a story to him since Tim picked him up from school. How cute. He is my little cutie. :)

Updates

2010-03-04T06:17:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone. Yes DHS states that Justin is legally free but, and that is a big BUT his birth father petitioned the request of termination. I told my social worker I don't understand you said he is legally free and the birth parents only had 14 days to fight the decision. Well supposedly the petition from the birth father came just on the 14 day and they were not made a ware of it or something like that. They said not to worry that when birth parents petition it they rarely ever get reversed. The process is that the judge has to look back over all the paper work and make sure he crossed his T's and dotted his I's. They say this judge is very particular and that he wouldn't reverse this and there is nothing to worry about. I asked how did this happen if the paper work came in saying he is a ward of the state and that he was legally free when there is a petition out there. Supposedly the court date was 1/13/10 that we went to the Referee signed of on termination on 1/14/10 then it went to the judge and he made his decision but he didn't sign the papers until 2/1/10 when we found out 2/4/10 that he was going to be ours. The birth father put in his petition on 2/13/10 which is the 14 days and the social worker didn't find out until 2/23/10 and she said her boss told her not to even tell us because there is nothing to worry about but then she said she wanted to be honest with us. Well I asked if we are still going through with adoption and she said yes. Court was on 3/1/10 for permanency placement to say that he will be placed with us in the intent to adopt him. She said that went smooth. We even got assigned an adoption worker that is coming over next Monday and Friday to go over the adoption process. This is all so weird we are going through the adoption process but yet there is a petition out there. The social worker said she talked to my adoption worker at court on 3/1/10 and talk to Justin's Lawyer who said that the petition could take as long as 4 months to get an answer about the petition or can be as soon as a month. I don't get it because they gave us an answer on the termination in 3 weeks but the petition can take up to four months? Don't get that but they said we continue on the adoption process so that when the petition comes back as rights are still terminated then we can adopt right away without having to wait and go through all the adoption stuff after we can do it now which of course I prefer. That is why it took me so long to post because I was hoping I would have had an answer by now and not many people that know me knows this is what is going on because I feel stupid now because they are sending me cards congratulating me and my family has given him stuff in an attempt to say welcome to the family and this would pull at them and make them back on the fence like they were before. I just figured if DHS isn't worried about it I guess I shouldn't be. You know it bugs me though. I just want him to be mine and that is it. Oh and yes I am over the whole baby thing from the last blog. I know it just wasn't meant to be and the next time we get a call about a child we will be better prepared. So as happy and excited we are that we think he is going to be ours unfortunately we are on the emotional roller coaster ride until I guess those papers are signed that says he is ours and no one could come out of the woodwork or anything. A couple of days ago it snowed here. Like it always does in Michigan and we built snow men as a family and we went to the ice festival in town and here are some pics of our exciting time together as a family. :)He is so cute. We are having a ball with him and I can't wait till it is official. :)

Not sure if I made the wrong desion yesterday

2010-02-18T05:43:00.000-08:00

Well we are still basking in the glory of having Justin. We got this call yesterday from DHS. They has an infant boy that was born on Valentine day and the mom can't go in detail but had mental health issues and has had prior terminations. They were not sure who the dad was but that they needed a home for the baby because he was being discharged today from the Hospital. Which this was yesterday. I was at work it was like 9:10 in the morning I had a meeting at work at 11-1 where I was presenting some info on our billing issues. So she called me about the baby and of course we were interested and she didn't have much info on the baby or the other children from prior term. So I was a little concerned about it but when you get the call just like when I got the call about Justin you heart starts pumping and you feel all these feelings at once. I told her I would have to call my husband and talk to work before I made the decision and you know that when they call they want the answer then. Which all happens so quickly. I called Tim and I can tell he was hesitant and said do we really want an infant and he said he thought I didn't want an infant. I was very torn and I was about to go in for my meeting that I had to be there for I felt like I thought I didn't want an infant any more but when I got the call it all changed for me some people at work over heard me talking on the phone about the baby and started to get excited and as soon as you knew it people were coming over and hugging me and congratulating me before I even gave my final answer and for a change it felt good. It felt like I fit in. We have 4 girls who are pregnant at work who were telling me they would help me and we can all do this together and people were so nice and offering stuff to help with the baby since I don't have anything for a baby. I called my friend Tricia that had the baby the end of last year just to get the 411 on baby. I know the diaper and the burping and feeding and all the common sense stuff but like how the baby is now suppose to lay (back, side, stomach) they always change that and I wasn't sure and how to warm a bottle if there is bpa in plastic how to warm it up little things like that to catch me up and if I can really do this with Justin so new an all we never talked to him about another child yet because I would have never guessed it would happen so soon seeing how long we waited to even get Justin. So I was kind of torn about that too because I only thought it was far that I talk to Justin to make family decisions and not just make the call just me and Tim now that we are family. Trust me if we didn't have Justin we would have said yes in a heart beat, but we have Justin and we love him beyond belief and I gave the phone number to Tim and told him to talk to the social worker about what questions he had and what to do. As I was sitting there at the meeting and standing up talking all I can think about was how it would be if we say yes is Tim going to say yes am I going to be picking up this baby right after I get out of work? My mind was racing and everyone that knew can tell I wasn't myself at the meeting I couldn't keep on track. They all understood though but I had to be professional though and it was so hard to gather my thoughts and talk in front of everyone and I already get nerves when talking in front of people and there were about 100 people so I felt crazy yesterday. When I was able to sit down I started to think and I text ed Tim that "maybe this is good we say yes and lets take a leap of fate and live by the seat of our pants like we always do because that is what we are known for. Nothing ever goes as plan for us so we mine as well live it up and take it for what it is we had to get the call for a reason". After my text my husband was calling and I was in the meeting so I know he needed me so I tried to excuse myself and my husband then told me he already turned it down. I was kind of crushed. Don't get me wrong at all I am so happy with Justin and happy even if it was just him in our life and we couldn't have more kids and would be so happy. But it was my thinking and fantasizing about our life if we said yes then when he said we turned it down it hurt. I asked him what his hold back is and I know he was nervous about the baby and infancy. I think he is intimidated of a baby. He said to me which was I guess a good point that are we going to leave work pick up Justin right away and then just go to the hospital without talking to him and making sure he will be ok with our decision as well. He said we can't be selfish and think for just us because now we have another member of our family and he was right. I just always think why did they call us did we just close a door that should have been opened? I don't know and I can't change it now. Tim did call DHS back at like 3 to see if they had found a family because he talked with Justin and he was excited to be a big brother and help the baby but they had already placed the baby with a family. He said he can tell I was down about the news so he called to see what would come out of it and was hoping after hearing that Justin was on board that I would come home and we can all go up there as a family to pick up this baby but unfortunately that is not what happened. It is really hard to not think what if. That is what is driving me wild today. What was cute though was Justin asked me this morning when he woke up if we were going to pick up a baby today and I had to explain that is not how it works and that we were preparing him in case we get another call about a child and then of course he said well when are you getting the call again. I tried to explain that we never know. It is hard to explain that to him but it was nice to see that he was excited about. I don't know what do you all think and I just being selfish here? I know I should just be happy that I at least had Justin and trust me I am the thought never crossed my mind until that call and it seemed to change everything and I don't know why. It seemed to then make me think what if instead of I just want Justin. I always wanted 3 kids and Tim 2 Kids but as you all know plans don't always go the way you think they will. So we always said if we have one we will be happy with that but if we can get another child that would be great but that we wouldn't be sad if it was only one child. I don't know am I wrong for feeling this way. I don't know I just keep thinking like for example this morning while I was dropping Justin off at school that well if I had the baby I would have to get two of them ready and bring this baby in with me to get Justin set up for school then I would come home and probably be feeding the baby or putting the baby down for a nap. It just felt like I fit in for a change. I felt like there is all these people at work pregnant and excited for me and even more excited for me then when I told them about Justin and saying we can all do this together and my friend had a baby the end of last year and now my other friend is having a baby this June and I just felt like for once I fit in even for that moment. I never thought I wanted it at all until that call. I felt like we would have two kids and we would have an instant family and be complete no more of this fostering stuff once it become official. I don't know but I can't take it back now. I am just trying to think about it as if it were a dream and that it didn't happen. Maybe that is not a good way to deal with this kind of stuff but I don't know how else to do it and I don't want to keep thinking what if I want to think lets live my life to the fullest and don't look back is the attitude I want. It was just hard and a very emotional day. Don't know did I make the right decision. I guess I will never know

We can share him with the world!!! There's are exciting pics

2010-02-11T15:45:00.001-08:00

We got the call today that DHS that they got the paper work and he is legally free and we can share him with the world. Now I can share with you his name is Justin and he is 5 years old and we celebrated him turning 5 in November. His mom didn't allow him to get any immunizations so she called to tell me to start making those appointments the poor little guy. We have talked to him about his name change and if he wanted to change his first name. We said we either wanted to keep his name Justin and change middle name to Timothy or if he wanted to change his first name. I don't think he really understands. He says yeah lets change my first name and then he would say things like change it to mickey or spogbob and stuff like that. I don't know I wanted him to make that choice but I am not sure if he is still to young. We talked about just leaving it or if he did want it changed we would change it to Timothy Justin and our last name. Not sure what is going to happen yet but he has to be in our home for a minimum of 6 months which that will be April 5th. She said she sent the letter today with everything over to the adoption worker to start are case working how exciting. And here he is our cute little guy we are always gushing about Justin. Sorry for the many pics but wanted to show you what you missed while I couldn't show pics till today. I don't know about you but I am excited. :)

We first wanted to start by saying Happy Valentine's Day after his valentine party today.

This is the first day he came to our home below.
And his first vacation up north with us
Next was Halloween was so much fun to celebrate.
Justin's 5th birthday party at Chuck 'e' Cheese's it was really fun.
Then there was pictures with Santa.
Then my best and fun Christmas ever.
His first hair cut
First snow fall

Our Vacation to see my mom and brother and go to Disney

First time in a pool
This was in Disney

I hope you all enjoyed the pictures as much as I have enjoyed sharing them with all of you. You can all see our journey of happiness as he has come into our home until present went we just found out today he is legaly free and we officially start the adoption process. Today was so much fun going to his school to participate as I always dreamed at his Valentine party. He is so cute. I know all moms say that but he just lights up my life and makes us so happy. :) :) :)

Back from Vacation and BIG NEWS

2010-02-08T16:07:00.000-08:00

We just got back from Florida yesterday and we found out last Tuesday while on vacation that rights were terminated on both parents. YEAH!!! I have to admit it felt great but as soon as I got off the phone with the social worker I thought of his mom and how we are rejoicing and she is probably beside herself. It was just kind of bitter sweet. I know she loves her soon but she just can't do it not getting into detail this is what is best for my little guy but I know she has some problems and I just kind of felt bad and I told others in the family when I told them the news and they tell me that his parents did this to themselves. I know it is true but mom I know is taking it hard. But on a more positive note. HE IS OURS!!! It felt so good when he went to bed and Tim and I were looking down on him and we said to our selves he is our son. I know it is not finalized yet but social worker said that she doesn't think there will be any issues at all trust me I asked her before I spread the news and she said she thinks we have nothing to worry about. Court is March 1 to just do the official placement that he is with us and that it is in the best interest of him and that we haven't done anything wrong is pretty much what they are checking on. Like our social worker said it is not a big deal but I am still going to go even though she said I don't have to I just want to make sure we are being represented appropriately. I am excited and can't wait till we have the paper in our hand and no one has to come and it feels like pry into your life and he will be ours officially. It just feels so good and we are on such a high. When we told him it took a bit to process but then the next day he had a melt down and then he was fine we went to Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom and Bush gardens and had a great time. We spoiled him rotten of course because we were so excited. but just wanted to share the good news. We are so happy and excited. I just can't wait to share pics but I don't think I can share them until it becomes official. I am not sure what the rule is on this kind of stuff. yeahhhhhhhh!!!! I am a MOM. :)

Sad story that I needed to share

2010-01-22T10:32:00.000-08:00

This story comes from my county unfortunately where we are fostering our little guy from. This is sad but unfortunately the system failed this child and she is dead. It is sad story and hopefully children won't be in the system as long as they have in and out for year of there young lives like my little guy. It is sad because that is how I think of my little guy. I know about his bad past and I would be devastated if I hear this happened because the system failed. I have been complaining how much the system stinks especially in Michigan there are very different laws then in other states and this just broke my heart when I heard it but hopefully will help open the eyes of others to save these kids. Hopefully it will help me get my little guy as he has been through similar situation. Not that he had any siblings prior who have died but other things were very similar which makes me sad and scared for my little one. Please read to understand how hard it is to give back a child when you know bad things are happening and you can't do anything about it but hope the system works.
http://www.thetimesherald.com/article/201001190635/NEWS01/1190304

Fosting my little guy

2010-01-18T09:02:00.000-08:00

Well the social worker talked to us the other day and says court went well. We thought it was not strong for the bio dad but she said since the court is open to the public there are somethings that they can't bring up in court. Those things are what I was talking about. I guess she said there is some privacy and if arrested or police were called there were some of those things that couldn't be brought up in court but the good thing is it is documented for the judge to see and rule on. I pray that this little guy is ours.
I truly to commend the people who can foster and give the child back to parents after fostering. I must be somewhat selfish because it would kill me to give this little guy back. In my mind all we have done and cradle him when sick and kissing boo boo's and teaching him and bringing him into our family he just seems like ours and like we have known him forever. I love this little guy to death and couldn't imagine giving him back especially now knowing the situation. I commend those who can. I am sure it is hard. For those of you that don't know I offered to foster children to adopt. Meaning I put down that if rights are going for termination or are terminated that I want to adopt and foster to adopt as to not have to give kids back because I get to attached. I think my other problem is I see all these kids out there that I want to bring in my home but husband told me I love kids to much and have a big place in my heart for them. I think it is just like animals I get emotional for kids and animals because they have no say. You have to be the person that helps and saves them. I get said when St. Jude comes on or the neglected animals. I don't cry much but when those come on I am a mess. I feel like how could anyone do that to them. You just want to scoop them up and help them and keep them safe forever. At least that is how I feel. I have been looking on different places to look for a child to adopt that would hopefully be around my little guys age but my husband keeps shooting me down every child I show him. He always say about how much work our little guy is but he also says how our little guy always wants to be played with 24 hours a day which can be draining sometimes. I have so much fun but sometimes you are trying to get stuff done like laundry and dishes and all the other chores and he is looking at you asking if you will play and you feel horrible saying no because I have been waiting for this forever but I just need a few minutes and I told my husband he doesn't have anyone but us. He doesn't play with kids and that is why he needs to learn to play with kids and that hopefully another child will come in our lives and he will have a brother or sister if all goes well. I know don't rush anything but I have been thinking about this since Christmas when he said it would be nice to play with some kids with my toys. I felt like that was his way of asking. I just have a huge heart for kids and we always wanted more then one so they would always have each other and do the same things Tim and I remember doing with our siblings. I am just so grateful to have this little guy. He puts such a smile on our face and lights up our days. Of course we have are days or moments that are not the best but what is perfect. No child or even I gave birth to a child would it be like that. I am just happy that we meet him and hope he becomes our and we can share a bunch of pics that we haven't been able to show you yet of him. :)

Court

2010-01-13T16:22:00.000-08:00

Well no final decision was made today as I was told it would. The judge didn't show and the referee was there which mean he make recommendations and gives it to the judge to sign off on and said we should know in a week or 2. I have the social worker coming tomorrow so I should know more then of what she thinks. I can't go in to detail of course but the case was very strong for the mom and not so strong for the dad. They didn't do a good job on the dad. There was so many things they didn't do. I told my husband I am tempted to write the judge a letter telling him the things that child tells us and knows. I don't know if that can hurt us or if it is allowed. Can anyone tell me that. My husband wants me to ask the social worker but she hasn't done anything for us thus far. She doesn't tell us anything about our little guy or his back round. I told her about a reliable source that she should talk to so that person can go on the defence and she didn't do anything with it even though it would help. The made it as if parents are great and did everything for this little boy when it is not so. I know you shouldn't think negative but I am giving you my gut right now is telling me that rights will be term on mom but visitation will be for the dad. I don't want any of this. I just want to adopt a child and we love him more then any ting. BY THE WAY the positive is we were granted the right to go on vacation with him. But can anyone tell me what would happen if they know if I sent the judge a letter?
ahhh I am just so frustrated. My social worker didn't even come back for the 2nd part of the court. What the heck. Everyone around me is either pregnant or are matched or adopting and here I feel like we might loose what means more then the world to us. I pray to god that he is on our side on this because I know what he will be like if he goes back to them. He will follow in there foot steps and probably be in trouble with the law. ahhh. I can't bare it. Any way I will let you know more when I can. I just needed to vent. Thanks for letting me vent just got home an hour or hour and a half ago and things are still fresh. Thanks

Yeah

2010-01-07T17:51:00.000-08:00

So a little scare today. I went in for the ultrasound on the thyroid and the tech after scanning my neck for 25 minutes then called another lady in to re scan my neck like she was concerned. Now I am freaking out a bit and trying to keep calm. Then the other lady walked out and she asked if I was okay and I told her I know you can't tell me but is there something seriously wrong with me. She said why do you ask and I explained how the doctor talked to me about treatment and then how she scanned my neck for 25 minutes left the room got someone else and was asking all these questions and pointing. And she said "I am so sorry, I didn't realize I shouldn't have done that I am a student and I thought I saw something but this is my 2nd thyroid ultrasound and I am not suppose to tell you this but it doesn't look like there is any nodule" and then she went on to say that she felt bad that happened and that to check on my test results once they are read because she is not the professional but from what she learned and the teacher said didn't see anything. Yeah hipp hip horray.
I also wanted to say I am sorry if I offend anyone with my stories of what I am afraid of or what not. I understand that there are people out there that have had far worse life then I but this is my blog and I just put how I am feeling at the time. It doesn't mean that is the way I feel the next day or on for weeks but I hate needles and scared to death of surgery and invetro was a test enough for me. There are people who are far stronger then me I am by far not perfect but I use this blog to open up and tell my felling or what I may be scared of or just for help. It helps me do that because I don't talk to everyone about my feeling I usually bottle them up and I may say it to my husband in passing but I never want him to know how worried I truly am is why I may give you all more then even my family get to hear. My family in Michigan is my husbands family and my husband and little guy. My friends are mostly my husband friends from when he grew up's wives and my mom could care less about how I am because she is doing her own thing and right now thinks she is a teenager. So as you can see there are not many options for me. This I am not writing for any amount of guilt or for anyone to feel bad I am not like that. That is why I bottle my emotions from people in life other then my husband because I hate the guilt trick or when people are about poor me. But when I am scared about something and this thyroid thing might be Minuit to others it was really scary for me because I am scared of needles and surgery and the first thing that pops in my mind is my dad died at the young age of 48 what if I get cancer. That is truly my biggest fear because I watched him deteriorate right in front of my eyes and I don't want my family to have to watch that. It was painful and I still carry that around so when I found out about the thyroid that was all I can think my worse fear come to life and I finally got my dream to have a little boy that I have waited for so long and I don't want this to happen to the family we tried so hard to build. I am sorry if I offend anyone or anything but I vent and pour my emotions on how I am feeling on this blog.
On a totally separate note. Does anyone know how to put 5 year old that if difficult every night to bed. We have tried to ignore, we have taken things away. I have had numerous talks with him. I don't know what else to do. He can stay up with the best of them and when he sleeps he sleeps hard it is just getting him to bed every night. We make deals of what we will do before we got to bed and it is fine with him until we leave. If we try to sleep with him he doesn't stop talking no mater how much you tell him to be quiet or if you pretend to sleep he tries to wake you. I am out of ideas and I hate bedtime it is the worst time we read stories to wind down nothing seems to work. PLEASE HELP!!!! Thank

Thanks for all the support

2010-01-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

I appreciate all the support and well wishes. I don't think I explained once we find out about the parental rights being terminated what happens. Well my understanding from what I am told we start going through the placement process after rights are termed. Meaning that there is a 6 month placement. Yes after we already had him it is and additional 6 month placement because the court considers us having him now as DHS (Department of Human Services) having him right now because they have guardianship of him right now so they consider this period of time as if he was with DHS. Yes they acknowledge how long we had him and all but on your foster license it states who is responsible which are's says DHS. All states are different we live in Michigan and I hear this is the hardest state to adopt children they are some much more strict and give way to many chances. My little guy right now has been in care his whole life and we are now dealing with a lot of issues with him. He is getting aggressive and not listening and lying about some of the worst stuff. He actually today told my husband Tim that he choked him. I was in the same room and I told him to look me in the eye and tell me the truth and he looked me right in the eye and smirked and nodded his head yes. I explained to him that was very serious and you should never tell lies. He then tonight as I put him to bed I warned him not to get out of bed and he threw himself on the ground right in front of me so I picked him up and put him in his bed and told him that he wasn't playing with the toys in the other room tomorrow after he then told he I hit him and then started to cry. The minute my husband walked in the room he started baling that I hit him and then my husband said oh look you must have lost this and looked down on the floor to see what he would do and he dried those tears right up and leaned toward the edge of the bed and said what is it. Just to show you he was trying to play us. I told him how did I hit him and then he said I pinched him the story changed. I just was telling my husband he is trying to get us in trouble. We have been waiting for a child for 4 1/2 year and we originally wanted an infant and then I saw how many kids needed a home and I decided that was going to be the way we were going to go. Don't get me wrong I am grateful that we have him but MANN does he just push to the limit were we just want to enjoy a child and he makes it difficult when he gets in trouble all the time and is now starting to talk back badly. This all started on Christmas and it just hasn't stopped for a minute and it gets tiresome some days. I even ask him can we please just have a good day today. I just can't wait till Jan 13 comes because then we are one step closer to adopting him. Then it would be final in 6 months.
I also got a little nerved up today. I have a hypothyroid and I went into the doctor like any other time to get my refill on prescription and she tells me I have a module on my thyroid that she wants me to go in to a ultrasound. then she goes on to explain how there is an increase risk in your late 20's early 30 for thyroid cancer and starts giving me statistics. She scared the living daylights out of me she just kept talking about the chance of cancer and that I would have to then have a biopsy if it is a certain size then either surgery or radiation on my thyroid and then I asked what if it is under the size she says then you have to come back in 6 months to have another ultrasound. It is like she just wants to keep with this and scare me half to death. I had my dad dye of cancer at 48 the last thing I need her to preach about is cancer. I just came home and started crying and called my husband. So only you, the doctor and my husband and I know about this and I am not telling anyone until I get the results back. I got for the ultrasound this Thursday and I see her back on the 25. I know I don't need all this right now. I am only 28 and feel the stress which I know is not good for anyone. I am trying to just put it in the back of my head right now just another thing. Crazy I tell you.

Going to Disney Hopefully

2010-01-03T08:35:00.000-08:00

We are all excited to go to Disney. We are leaving on January 28 and returning Feb 6. It should be fun but the social worker said she didn't think it would be a problem and now she said the judge has to okay this but I am not sure what he will say since the court date to terminate is January 13. That stinks because we already paid for the plane tickets because she made it sound like it was not going to be an issue and to just book it then let her know the dates. I hope they say yes. I can't go into to much detail as I would like as privacy but they say the mom will be termed no problem (they say) and dad is the only one that has a chance but that they think they have a strong case against him and DHS is actually on my side which is kind of different because they are usually on the birth parents side but she told me personally she is praying the judge keeps him with us which is exciting. But she said worse case scenario if father doesn't get termed on that doesn't mean my little guy will just go straight back to him as they will probably tell bio dad to follow certain things before he even would get visitation. So that is why we booked because we figured he would be with us regardless of the outcome. My little guys tells us the court told him he is staying with us and he keeps saying he doesn't want to go back to his bio dads. Which would crush me if it turned up that way but this is all worse case scenario.
Tim and I go to Florida usually ever January or February at least once a year. I visit my mom and brother who I only see once a year when we go out there and they have yet to see my little guy. I know but for those of you that have been following my blog for a while I told you my mom is selfish and only thinks of one person herself. No she didn't feel the need to meet this little guy that I have been waiting for, for 4 and a half years of trying to have a baby and finally I have this great little boy. She only sees pic's of him. That gets my husband made he says he always misses my dad and wished I had more of a family like him. Which then in turn I get stuck in the middle. When we leave hopefully for Florida my mother in law wants to be selfish and she said that to me and told me that she watches my little guy and that she sees him all the time and my mom didn't even make an effort so she wants to take him to Magic Kingdom and my mom says she does. I asked my mother in law if we can all go but she said that it would be awkward with my mom and he boyfriend and how my little guy loves my in laws but never knew my family and so he would always ask to do stuff with them and not my family and all that my mothering law said. See now I am in the middle and I just want to be happy and have a good time. I tried to get my mom just to take us to Bush Gardens which she said yes but I think she wants to also go to Disney so I told my husband worse case scenario we go to Disney for two days. My husband was not happy with that because he feels my mom hasn't made any effort or hasn't done anything for us but I just tell him okay my mom sucks and doesn't know how to be a mom and I know that and I have know that since I was 12 my dad is who raised me to be me and my brother doesn't care either but they are still my mom and brother and my relationship with them is fragile and if I say what I feel about them I don't think any of us will ever talk again and then I am left with no family. But of course Tim says but we are a family and his parents are more my family then she has been. Which is true they took me in when I moved from NY when I was 19 and lived with them for 2 years before Tim and I got our own place and then married but like I try to explain to him my dad always wanted us to stay together and I guess I do it for my dad and so that my little guy can at least know who my family is better or worse. I am torn. I know this sounds horrible but I would be fine with not having to talk to my mom and brother again but my conscious would bother me. I would think about what would my dad think. I remember my dad telling me and I had to be like 16 he was sorry he choose my mom to mother me. He wish he had chosen better for me. He would say I always imagined that your mom would have been loving and caring and wanting to be there for you and he said that he just wanted to tell me that he was sorry. My mom and brother of course never knew that was said. That was something I always kept in side. Through my life my mom and I had a lot of ups and downs more downs then ups unfortunately. I am nervous to see them because they will talk about how my hair will look they usually don't like it, or my weight. They have said oh you should do this new work out it will help tone your but or get abs in my stomach. They last time didn't like the way I tweeze my eye brows and that I should do something with my hair I was told and they showed me some magi zines. I felt I needed to share that in order for you to understand why mom husband and mother in law feel the way they feel about me mom. I understand it but what do I do is how I feel. If I tell my mom no to Disney then she will be hurt and tell me that I always see his parents and why don't I want to spend more time with my own family since I don't see then which I feel isn't my fault if she doesn't come here and she hasn't come in almost 3 years. It is crazy. Oh well sorry I went on a vent but the bottom line is I am nervous to see my mom, nervous but Jan 13 court and pray to god I can keep my little guy and we can go to Florida and do something that will make us happy as a family and put the 13 behind us. Yeah to Disney :)

Merry Christmas to all and happy hoildays!

2009-12-25T03:48:00.000-08:00

It is Christmas morning at 6:45 am and I am down here typing anxiously waiting for the little guy to wake up for the moment I have waited 4 and a half years for. I am so excited. I got the video camera all charge and the camera and while I was laying in bed I kept thinking I heard him but it wasn;t so I figured while I am so excited for this moment that I would share it with all of you. I just can't believe this day is here. Yeah we don't know till January 13 if we get to keep him but that I get to share this day with an amazing little boy. This was all I asked for and hoped for and it is finally here. O my god I am tearing up typing this. Probably because I am remember being so down and sad on Christmas between my dad and family not being here and not having my own family (a child) to get me excited for them. I am so happy I am here right now and I never thought this day would ever come. But it is finally here and it feels fantastic. For those who are still waiting for there moment I am thinking of you and praying that next Christmas you can too enjoy this feeling because it is great and emotional all at the same time. I can't express how happy I feel and how whole I am. I think I will feel complete when I hear those word that rights were terminated. Till then I am just enjoying the moment I am having with him especially the one I will be having a few minutes when he gets up. heeheee I feel like a little kid waiting for Santa and I am waiting for him to have that same feeling I felt on Christmas morning. Can't wait.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I have to post to say congradulations!

2009-12-07T17:39:00.000-08:00

One of my first blogging friends and one of the nicest people have just found out they are finally chosen to adopting a baby! http://countlesstomorrows.blogspot.com/
Congratulations to Savannah and Josh. I couldn't be more happier. They are just excellent people and have been waiting so long and have been through so many ups and down that when I found out I almost fell out of my seat with excitement. I was so compelled to post a congratulations. We have talked so much before about our infertility and need for adoption and she has been so helpful to me and supportive from the very begining that I am just so happy this is happening for them. I always wanted to thank her so much for getting me through so many days that I was just down and need some support from someone who knew what I was going through and she was there and there more then most of my friends and I appreciated that greatly. They are going to be the best parents and I couldn't be more happier for this wonderful couple. :) :) :)

Please let me vent

2009-12-04T04:28:00.000-08:00

Okay I first like to say thank you so much for the love and support from everyone and all the nice things that have been said. I appreciate them all.
I do have to vent or write to feel better. So my friend that I talked about in the past that has been trying to get pregnant for less then a year and who has cried to me that she knows how I feel and all of that is pregnant. I don't know why but it has been botheringme since she told me yesterday. I have to see her today for a Christmas party and I don't know how to not be fake. I am digging deep to feel happy for her and I guess you have to know her is why it is so hard to feel happy for her. She is a nervous nelly and everything is a big deal and she can find a negative in the most positive things. Last year I blogged about when my friend Tricia got pregnant that My friends Sabrina was upset and leaning on me saying how she wants a baby so bad and it was just because everyone else had it. Well talking to her yesterday after she told me and I asked if she was happy and she just kept saying really nervous and scared and making a big deal out of the little stuff like she got that test to see if the baby has any down syndrome and she is waiting for the results and all of that. I told her this is what you wanted you should be happy.She says I know but I am just nervous about it all. I remember back when Tricia got pregnant that she said Tricia always said negative things and she should just be happy that she can have what we can't and what does she do. Like I said I don't know why this is bothering me so much and I wish it didn't. I truly truly don't want an infant at all but I guess the idea of never being able to experience it or to know that , that part of my life is taken away just bothers me. I guess knowing I can't have it like every other women makes me feel almost like a failure as a women. I know I am not but it is just like can I get ahead ever. Everyone around you sometimes makes you feel like they get what they want when they want it and I feel like my husband and I have just fought to get everything and we are still fighting to get everything. Like you all know this little boy the rights have not been termed yet and it scares me to death. So since I was so down on myself last night I said to time if this falls through with this little boy we are leaving the state to get a fresh start where people don't know you and you don't have to be fake with your emotions in front of people because they don't know your background. I wish I didn't feel this way but I am being very open and honest right now. I think I need to be to get this all out to feel better. I just don't like feeling this way and I found out about our other friend Tricia at this time too and it is like again. I truly want to feel happy and not selfish but I am just I guess mourning the loss of infertility. I just want to go tonight and give her a hug and congratulate her and it be honest feelings not just masked. So yeah it is hard and I wish I can just brush it off since I have my big exam tomorrow and I need to focus. Thanks for listening and letting me get it all out.

Thankful!

2009-11-30T05:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry but everything has been so busy. Between going to school in which I take my big 5 and 1/2 hour exam on Dec 5 (please wish me luck), and the holidays, shopping, work and all the places I have to take this little boy because DHS has things they request from you I haven't has time for anything. I try to get on but not long enough and then I hear him calling "Susie when are you going to play with me" and you know I have waited to so long for that moment that I can't pass it up and I run to have that time with him. He is doing well. Yesterday we hit a little bump in the road not such a good day. He had 3 time outs. I feel bad because I know it is because the holiday we have all our family and friends over and he did good all the other days but I think his parents were really on his brain yesterday. I felt bad putting him in time out but I know I have to stay on top of him or he will learn he can get away with stuff. I can't have him talking back and throwing things. My mother in law and father in law were over for the worst temper tantrum and they looked so uncomfortable they looked like they can run out of the room. He was thrashing and I had to hold his legs and arms and head and wait until he calmed down to start his 5 minute time out. Tim's mom didn't agree she thought I should start it right when I put him in time out but I explained to her that then he gets what he wants. He wants attention so if I am holding him down and calming him down he has my undivided attention and where is the punishment in that I start the time when I let him go and he was listening. I don't care if he is crying in time out just not trying to run away or have a temper he needs to calm down and think about why he is there. She said she doesn't believe in time out and she never did that but I think the child should know you are upset with them for there actions that hurts them more then hitting them. The hitting goes away the feeling that your parents are upset with you doesn't. At least that is what I explained to her. I try to explain that we pick our battles. She wanted to put him in time out for not listening to her when she told him to put on his socks. I told her that he takes off his socks all the time and he always runs warm and if he feels cold he can put on his socks. I personally didn't think that was something for her to fight with him with. If he is at her house that is fine but we were at my house. Some times gets frustrating when in laws want to tell you how to parent. If I asked her for advice that would be one thing but I didn't. It gets hard because we all need to be on the same page as not to confuse him.
I do what to say Thanksgiving was great and I am very thankful for this little boy. He is so special to us and I can't imagine our lives without him in it. We find out Jan 13 and I pray to god that God is on our side and that this boy doesn't go back because the judge happen to be in a bad mood that day. DHS says if it was up to them he would be ours and rights would be terminated. They say though it is up to the judge and judges are like gods and that you never know what they are going to do. I find it sad that judges never have to go to all the classes we had to, to be foster parents because then they would understand the system better and what is best for the child so they don't keep the child in the system for years and years and then the child is older and nobody wants the older child. It is sad. But I can't say enough how grateful I am to have him and share this time with him. He is just so great. I can't wait till he is ours and I can share that with all of you and show pics. He is so cute. :)

sorry it has been so long

2009-11-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

I have been really busy so I am writing to you from work at lunch. We are doing well but it is hard to know what I can and can't discuss with everyone. I will not know if parents rights are termed until January so it is hard. We have defiantly been through our ups and downs. But to tell you the truth we love him and I couldn't imagine my life without him. He is a great kid. I can't wait to share all with you. He has his days especially when his mom sent gifts for b-day. That was hard and acted out for at least a week. We felt horrible but we had to discipline so we told him every time he didn't listen or did something bad or acted out in school we will take away a car or something he likes. I think he did get that because he is acting great this week and said I am good today can I have a car back and we say wait till the end of the day and if you are good with no time out of warning then we will give you the care back. So we are doing good just anxious to find out if both parents term so we can go on vacation in Feb to Disney like we have discussed. They say it sounds as it will happen but they don't want our hope up as the decision is up to the judge but that DHS has a case. I of course can't go into detail but I think I gave you the just. I just don't know what I can share and not so it gets hard to go on this thing and share what I would love to share with all of you. I am just enjoying my time with him and excited about Christmas. Please everyone pray that this goes through and he becomes ours. I will defiantly let you know what happens when it gets closer. These last few weeks have been hectic with his schedule for school and DHS schedule for them and doc appt and dental and all that then he was sick with flu and then I had it and now I am just almost over it while I am going to school on Saturday 8 hours and Tuesday night for 3 hours. It is hard and I am sorry I didn't share but as you can imagine my life has turned upside down for the better and I just can't wait to say he is ours and then get to share photos and stories. :)

having a great time in cloud 9

2009-10-16T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am so shocked how well we all fit together. He is perfect in our family as if he has been there for years. He makes me so proud. On October 22 the court day is for some preliminary hearing to start the process of termination. He social worker is coming to visit him on the 26 so hopefully I will find out more then. Please pray for me that this little guy gets to stay with us. We love him so much and he has also told us that he loves us as well. I truly think the rights will be termed on the parents just off what I hear from him but I am worried about a family member coming out of the wood work some where. I pray this all goes well but I know I have a long process ahead. He is awesome and excellent and everyone he meets they all say he touches there heart. He is just so sweet and out going and cares so much about everyone which I think at his young age is very rare. We really got lucky with him. My friend Kim (who also adopted 3 years ago) said you will know he if he is right for your family when you meet him. She was right the first day I knew he was family. Thank you all so much for the support. Sorry it has been hard to be on here these days so busy running around and in a little I have to leave to pick the little one up from school. :)
So so so so HAPPY!!!!

loving this

2009-10-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

Sorry I don't have much time but my mother in law is watching him right now. She asked for me to bring him over to play with another family member child that is about his age. I am having such a great time. I just got back from grocery shopping and have to go to pick him up in 10 minutes we are bring pizza to our family's house were we will meet back with him. Here are some picks that I can show you that don't show his face or anything that can tie him to any child. I also have a pic of his adorable Halloween costume he picked out. I also wanted to thank everyone for the support and words of wisdom. This is my first time and it isn't like we had him from birth and molded him. So it is sometimes hard to know how to answer there questions. I used your advise and he is doing well. Of course he has his moments as to be expected but for the most part he is taking everything and stride and unfortunately a bit spoiled now. whoops.

Need Help

2009-10-05T19:01:00.000-07:00

Okay his is 4 years old and cut as can be. Let's name him a fake name and name him Austin for a fake name. His is a sweet child and really friendly. He is not legally adoptable yet but they are going to get right termed. The social worker said he has been in the system to many times that they don't see why the judge wouldn't terminate rights which sounds promising. I asked what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said a bat. Well that is going to be an interesting costume but I am sure I will find one. I do need help though. He obviously doesn't understand what is going on and he misses his mom dearly. Had to have asked about her at least 15-20 times which is understandable but what do I say back to him. How do I transition him into our home. I just told him for now when he asks when he is seeing mom, I told him that we are his mother's friends so that he doesn't see us as the bad people who took him away from his parents and I tell him that his mom asked us to watch him for a little while. Then the next question is when am I going to see her. I tell him not tonight because you are sleeping at our house but that we are going to have a bunch of fun. When he broke down the first time we ran to the store and we bought him a bunch of clothes and some toys to brighten his smile and lift his spirits. I feel so bad for this little guy he just doesn't understand. He misses his mom so much and I just don't know what else to say or how much longer I can keep saying the same thing before he thinks we are lying since he will probably never see his mom. I just need advice what to say and how long or how to transition him into this home. We are truly trying our hardest to make him feel as comfortable as possible. I was thinking maybe next weekend when he gets more comfortable we can tell him this is your room lets go decorate it with toys chest and a bunch of stuff so that he starts to feel like this is his home. I know I got a lot in front of me. I am going to enroll him in school tomorrow as DHS has told me he needs to be in school within 5 school days. I need to get him a physical with in 30 days per DHS which should be fun (sarcastic). Well I got to go off to bed . I am sure he will be waking up early and just wanted to ask for some advice on what you think or how to go about this. Thanks everyone for the support.

Craziness, happiness

2009-10-05T09:39:00.001-07:00

Well very funny story today. After I posted that blog below today about being positive and moving in a better direction I had got a call about a possibly adoption of a 4y/o boy, healthy. That is all I can say because I can say specifics but that I asked when we would need to start fostering and they said today. She practically wanted an answer right on the spot. I told her I had to call my husband first. We said yes and he should be here between 2-4. The social worker will be bringing him here. We were also told that we would probably need to go to the store to buy clothes as she may not be able to get much. So like I said I can't get into specifics since it is a law not to reveal the identity of the child but I don't think I have given anything away about who he is or the parents. I am new at this of course so I of course and scared to brake any rule or law as not to loose my fostering license. I am so excited and nervous of course since we never meet him but so excited to meet him. My in laws are having us over tonight, I mean it was planned in advance but now that they know they are supper excited as well. I am sorry but I obviously can't post any pic's until he would hopefully become legally ours but I will share anything I can even if the picture doesn't reveal his face I will try to share as i am appreciative for everyone's support and getting me through all this craziness and wild roller coaster of emotions and things. He will be here in just an hour or two and I have so many butterflies and I am just so excited right now I don't know how to explain it. I can't believe that in 20-30 minutes after that post I got a call. It is eire to think that I posted about being positive it can all happen the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know don't get my hopes up but I have to open my heart to this child, especially that he has been through that I can't hold back. I feel I either have to be all the way in or not at all. Well I decided to be all the way in so all I can think is this is going to be positive and it will be a happy situation, I can't think of the bad or the bad can happen. Wish me luck and thank you all for the support, I will keep you posted.

Sorry about last post

2009-10-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

Just want to say sorry for last posting. I was upset and frustrated. I started venting. I feel like this emotional roller coaster is really getting to me. This week end I had class went out with friends and tried not to think about the hectic and crazy stuff that has gone on around me. Thank you for letting me vent. I do TRULY feel better. I feel more positive today. I am trying to keep my life back on coarse. When you go through those emotions of happiness, to loss, to frustration, to no communication, it starts to really ware on you and your body. I told Tim this weekend that I sometimes don't even recognize myself anymore. I just want a family so bad that it is consuming my life and I can't let it. That is why today is a new day and I have to keep smiling and just praying that those children I had in my home are fine and happy as well and as long as they are safe and happy I am to. This is my only way I know how to change stuff around. I think with the holiday's coming and all the pressure and sense of depression started to leak into my life. Like when I wrote that post, I just got done crying to Tim that we won't be able to go trick or treating this year with some kids, and how thanksgiving is going to be boring without kids and Christmas is going to be sad. Instead I need to keep on track and say no, there is still a chance that it can still happen ad if it doesn't this year then defiantly next year. I am trying to turn it all around. I want to be happy and feel good for me, my family and my health. Thank you all again for understanding. :)

Still chugging along

2009-10-02T16:17:00.000-07:00

Well I am still chugging along, or at least I am trying too. This facility doesn't make it any easier. So we have been trying to keep positive with positive notes and wish full thinking to our selves. I have notes in the house to say that we will have a child or children by Thanksgiving. I know what you are thinking high expectations but you need something to try to look forward to. Not only that but in August I had put that by labor day we would have a child and that next day we had an e-mail about those possible 2 boys that then the foster mom decided to keep them but we had a chance or and opportunity at least. Then as that fell through those 2 kids landed in our lap. Even though it was only 48 hours of watching them, it gave me a taste of motherhood. Even though I was tired, and doing all this stuff to make sure they were happy. Even though I wore sweat pant and sweat shirt because because I was getting dirty between running after them and spit up and was pee ed on it was all worth it to be a mom. Now I crave for it even more then before. I figure if I set a goal and I believe it in my mind and feel it in my heart that will come true. What else does anyone have to go on but faith and hope, because at the end of the day that is all we ever have. That is kind of where I am at, at this time.
Well getting to the frustrating week, I e-mailed my social worker at DHS because I had got a letter from her last weekend about my Pride training classes that need to be done. Well I have a license because Catholic Social services gave me there training but it wasn't PRIDE so DHS said they will take my licences and that they would keep it open but that I had to have these classes. Well the classes are in November on Saturday's and I have classes on those days to get my certification and license to be a AAPC coder. Which in fancy terms mean I am certified and if certified you make more money and in some instances can work from home with the right job which would be great when we adopt so I am trying to look at the big picture. Anyway I can't do those classes in November and they said I need them completed by January now (didn't tell me that before) or I will not have a license for foster care to get to adoption with them, which means they can drop me. So now in my stricken panic I have called all these DHS agencies in all the county's in 60 mile radius and pretty much no luck. With holiday's coming and all they have told me that limits my chances and that my agency said they only do training once every 3 months so 4 times a year and only on set dates if you can't make it, it is pretty much oh well. Well I start classes tomorrow and I have all this landing on me. The best part is I called the agency director and told him that I could not attend the classes that month and he told me that the wait would just be longer for me because in order to have a child placed or fostered that I had to have this training and that is the reason no social worker would call me back. I explained to him that all already had another home study done and it was done by them and he was shocked and said that is not the way it worked. I also told him I did respite care for 2 children for 2 days and he said that was impossible. He told me that "you just have to do the training and soon or you are just not going to have any chance here. Like I explained to him that I want to do it and I would love to if they gave more opportunities to. So of course after talking to him while I was at work today I went home crying to Tim that this is never going to happen. I know This is where the notes of positivity came in. I also had an e-mail back from my social worker at DHS that said they have a possibility for a bi-racial child that was born very small and born early and wanted to know if we were interest. We had called her back that was on Monday and it is now Friday and have yet to hear back (frustrating). I don't get this mess at all with DHS and starting to question if going there was the right thing to do. I am also wondering if we should have just done international adoption and then it wouldn't be as difficult. Of course that wouldn't be the easiest thing but I bet we would have a child by now. I just feel defeated with no support from that agency at all. All this was never explained to us and we never get any contact with them. When we had the home study in August to do over again with a new agency they never explained anything and I asked repeatedly if they could send me info and let me know about this training as soon as possible and now look were I stand. My other social worker at CSM which is Catholic Services said there are no birth moms at this time and have only done 1 adoption this year. That is it and now the list is up to 19 couples so my chances there are limited. I thought by opening up our search it would help us find a child. I will be honest with all of you this is what we have put in our profile for what we wanted for a child. I know this is uncharted territory and nobody wants to hurt feelings or alienate people but this is what we can handle and it gives you an idea of our profile. We said we would take up to 2 children at a time and any gender that doesn't matter either way and age ranging from 0-6 years old and anything from 6-10 would have to depend on the situation. We said we would take Caucasian, bi-racial, Asian, Hispanic, Muslim, native American (if able to be adopted), and a couple of different ethnicity's that I can't think of off the top of my head but they were options on the paper we filled out. We said we would take children with mild special need. This is not to hurt any feelings or that I have anything against special need and I think people who adopt and take care of special needs children are really special people, but I work full time and have to with no choice because I carry the insurance. I feel kids in general need 24 hour care but a special needs child needs much more care that I will not always be around for. Therefore, we said mild spacial needs like learning disability's, cleft palate, club foot, speech problems, a bunch of little things that classify to DHS or any agency that this is a special needs child. We said it would be hard for us if child was medically fragile, or was wheelchair bound, or had spinal bifida, things that are sever special needs I don't think is for us or is something that we can handle on our own. I am sorry if this offends anyone but that was not my intention. I just wanted to show home open we tried to be. When we were with our first agency we said only any gender, but has to be an infant and only Caucasian and healthy. We were very close minded about other opportunities and this is not to say that if anyone wants those things that it is wrong but what I have come to learn is not child is perfect. Even if I was able to give birth to my own child they would not be perfect but at the same time I also want to keep some sort of boundaries and realistic goals that I know my husband and I can handle. It is very hard to say to an opportunity to have a child that is not what we know we can handle just to have a child. I know we have to be realistic and we have to meet in the middle. Tim and I don't always agree with what we want but we tried to meet in the middle. I am from NY ordinally for 19 year so having a child that is African American is not a problem for me I will love them what ever color they are but my husband on the other hand is very old fashion. He gets his old fashion ways from his family that lived in Kentucky for a while and that where we live we live were there is no African Americana's in our area or at the school, which my husband has a point that they will already know they are adopted and then if they go to a school that is all Caucasian that they will feel out of place or alienated. Which I think I can see that point. If we lived in a more rural place it shouldn't matter but we don't which is unfortunate because there are so many African American kids that do need to be adopted :(. So my husband and I agreed to meet in the middle on our decisions. If he makes a valid point then I will agree with it. Although I have in my favorites a blog that is called "dreams really do come true" that if you are interested check her blog out her baby is the cutest little thing I have ever saw and his smile is even cuter :). Well this gives you all an idea of what we are about and a little bit of ourselves. Man, I am getting really personal and letting you all right into my front door and right into our bedroom. I just let my whole heart and honesty on the line. I am sometimes scared to do that as it can bit you in the butt. I hope none are offended and understand my choices and decisions and hope that you will still continue to follow my journey through this crazy thing they call adoption and the roller coaster of emotions it takes you on. I swear sometimes I don't even know myself anymore now that we have been going through this adoption for over a year. Well I keep hope and faith in my heart and pray that my dreams will come true and that I will have a child. Also I was just thinking, my husband and I about brainstorming on adoption agencies that people have gone through or heard about that are the best. That get back to you and wants to answer your questions and that maybe you don't have to feel like you are waiting forever. Thank you all again for letting me let everything in my mind and body out. This feels almost like a diary only sometimes people blog back to you so you get answers or suggestions which is kind of better then a diary :) .

Want to be in a good place

2009-09-25T17:46:00.000-07:00

I want to be in a good place but I don't know how to get there right now. You know if you have adopted or are in the adoption waiting like myself it is a roller coaster. Well right now I am riding down the roller coaster when I want to be riding up. I am just hurting right now. I think about those kids all the time. Angry that the grandparents didn't take them back if they are supose to going back to birth mom on Monday unless they know that this may fall through again. I guess I am feeling bad about not taking them back. I feel bad that now they had to be put in 4 different home in the matter of a month. It is sad. I guess I am also angry with the system. I know I am not a social worker and I don't know how it is and I am not blaming it on them because a big part of it is the law and our system they are told to follow. I guess what make me sad is that there are people who get pregnant and kill the babies, or are on drugs and don't get help and have 5,6 or 7 kids, or they abuse the kids and take them for granted and they are not questioned or interrogated half as much and people like Tim and I who are good citizens who make a respectable living, who have never done anything bad, who are clean as a whistle besides these thoughts I am pouring out probable from heart ache and pain and we try to do good things for people and donate our time that we don't expect anything in return because we did these things for people out the kindness of our hearts and we get questioned and finger printed and pay crazy amounts of money to adopt a child but the people who actually had kids don't get questioned at all except if someone calls up on them for neglect, abuse or what ever else and how many other kids are going through it but no one stood up and was a voice for these kids and the mom and dad should have every opportunity to get there kids back if they try to clean up there act but what about these people that get chance after chance. I think back now and said I would pro able do things differently. I would have adopted over seas. I always use to say why adopt in other countries when we have kids here to adopt but now being through all this I understand why they adopt in other countries, It is so much easier then here. You go through touchier here. I know there are some good stories like the blog heart cries and some others that are on my favorites, here as well but I have heard a lot more bad then good with domestic adoption vs international. I am just sad and down today please don't take offence anyone. I hope I am not bringing anyone down with me because that is not my intent but as I said in my last blog I use this and a place to vent since I don't want to share this with everyone in my life and bring them down, I put on a happy face and that is not like me at all because I hate being 2 faced but I just don't want to be the downer or bring people down with me in my life. It just hurts and I am just hurting right now and I feel like I am just licking my wounds right now and trying to stand back up for the strong fight I have to put on to get through some more days of this long wait ahead. Thanks for letting me vent.

Share some pictures

2009-09-21T09:19:00.001-07:00

We went up north this weekend with friends and I captured some of the most beautiful pictures.

In the morning it was freezing. It was in 30 in the morning but by afternoon was 70's and gorgeous. I just thought you would all enjoy these pictures.We actually got a call this today. Those 2 kids I watched they said grandparents didn't want to take of them and they need a place to be watched for 2 weeks until going back to mom. Luckily they called Tim and not myself. Tim told them that we spoke to them and said unless they are able to be adopted that we didn't want to get attached. It broke my heart. I know Tim did the right thing because he used his mind instead of his heart. I would have answered with emotions and said yes when it wouldn't have been best for us or the kids. I just feel so bad because the kids have been moved from one grandparents house, to our house to another grandparents house and now are going some where else which is way to many homes. Tim did ask why it was the grandparents couldn't watch them for another 2 weeks and they said because they can't keep an eye on both of them. Tim thinks the 3 year old boy was acting up. He is just on the wilder side. He likes to move. He loves being outside and playing and I loved to play with him so I guess I am young enough to keep up with him. I just think he is understood. If he keeps moving how can he have respect for any adults when he is not in a stable environment. It is just said and breaks my heart and makes me feel like foster care is defiantly not for us unless we could adopt. This was hard and I still think of the all the time. I also work though so it is hard to be there for just 2 weeks. If I was adopting these kids or fostering them to adopt them I would defiantly take the time off to be with them for a few weeks but not if they are not going to be ours. Well I struggled with sharing any pic's of the kids. I did find a picture with out there faces so I figures I can post it. Sorry for those who don't know but I can give up personal info that can link who these children are. I have heard I can post a picture of them as long as you can't see there picture so here are the 2 cutes. I wish I could so you a better one but it would be with there face. A friend at work knew a neighbor that adopted through another fost adopt agency and said there were a ton of infants that rights were terminated and so they gave me the info and I figured I would call and see what it was all about. I will give more info when I know.

Hard times

2009-09-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

So I have been thinking about these kids all week. I have cried about them all weekend and sad now. I can't stop thinking about them and how they are doing and how it will be when they go back to birth mom. Well I thought about it all weekend and Tim ended up called there social worker after they sent us an e-mail on Monday saying the children may not be able to stay at grandparents would we be willing to take them back. I asked Tim to call to find out what the situation was from there social worker because we have never talked to her and she would know the most about the children and we wanted to see if there were any chance for these kids to be adopted before we said yes to watching them again. WELLLLLL this story that we heard from the other social workers when they asked us to first get them is so different from the story there social worker told me. The children's grandparents said these children have been living with them a year and the social worker that called me that day said the same, there social worker said they only had the kids for 8 weeks. Then the other social worker told me that we would be watching them 2 week, 6-8 weeks or permanent if this continues. There social worker said their kids are suppose to go back to the mother in 3 1/2 weeks if all goes as planned which she said she anticipated. The other social worker said these kids could possible be adopted and the grandparents wanted a break and see how the 2 weeks go and if all went well they may not want them back it sounded like to them. There social worker said no way not unless something drastic changes. I don't mean to be blunt but what the hell. That place I feel like needed a place to put the children and since there social worker was not there that day they just wanted the kids off there plate so they said this couple wants to adopt and if we tell them they have a chance maybe they will take the kids. They always say it is miscommunication. This happened with the 2 boys they told me was a possibility. She said to me the foster mom wants to adopt only one of the kids and not the other and they said no and then she sends me an e-mail back the same day as these kids come in the picture to say sorry there was a miscommunication between the social workers and the foster mom wanted both boys the whole time. Come on. Don't they understand what they are doing to people like me who are dying to have a family and a child. I am sorry I am just very upset with the system. Everyone keeps telling us to do foster that is the only way to adopt and I don't think it is nor do I think I am the type of person to Indore that. I want to love the kids and treat them as my own. Maybe when I have a family some day I would love to foster a child because I have my end result a family and then I feel like I can help kids and be attached but understand they are not my kids they are someone else's and I have my own. But right now all I can dream about is a family. I only had those kids for 48 hours and look how attached I got. I can't see how people can't get attached after all the stuff you do for them you are like there mom. I am really starting to loose my way I have to admit. I didn't even admit this to my husband. I was always a girl with a good head on my shoulder and had goals, ambition and always wanted to treat everyday as if it my last. Somewhere along the way I have lost that person and don't know how I will ever find her or if I will ever find her. I always like to be organized and in control. Not in control like I have to have power but in control like if I ever drink anything even when I was younger I never got drunk, I always knew my limits and didn't want to do anything stupid and would never think of drinking in front of my friends because I would want them to respect me and not think or see me in a different light. I never cried in front of people wither except my husband. I always tried to stay strong especially when my dad had the cancer I was always told by him that I was the strong one in the family and I had to keep things together and if he saw me cry I would need to leave the room. So my mom has only seen me cry I don't know I could probably count on one hand (not often). I am a go getter and always wanted to do bigger and better. Just an example I worked for a Chiropractic office like5 years ago and was never fired from a job until that job. I was only fired because we were getting audited by bcbs for the codes. He was scared he would have fraudulent charges and I didn't know billing at all to help him so he fired me and told me I can use him as a reference and tell the job anything I wanted. Well I was upset and begged him to give me a chance to figure out billing and he refused and I told him he will regret his decision. Well I went to school to be a biller to show him. I got the job at St. John billing and sent him a letter after telling him thank you for firing me it was the best decision for bother of us and thanks for a reference I wouldn't be where I was if her didn't fire me. I am now going to some classes for 2 months in October to get my license for coding so I can make more money. I am that type of person never settle for second best. So now that you have an idea who I am you can see why I feel like my world is flying out of control and I can't get a hold on it. My dad passed which was devastating and still is, my issue with infertility between gaining weight from invetro and it not working, to my mom and how she is and how are relationship is (some times I feel like I am talking to a teenager with her) and this being jerked around with the adoption the last 5 years I have not been my self. Every year I feel like I have lost a piece of me. Right now I feel like the bottom of the barrel and it seems every time I get knocked down I get up again and then back on down. I need to get out of this hole I have been in and I just don't know anymore. Now for those of you that jump to conclusions fast please don't I am nit saying I am at the bottom and going to do something stupid because if you read before I am not that type of person but at the bottom because I just can't get a hold on my life at all. I am starting (and I am sorry if this offends anyone) to question god and if there is one. I can't see how for 5 year crap just keeps being dumped on me while I watch others skate by. Now I promise you I don't want a pity party. I am just trying to express my frustration and why I feel like I can't get any control. I can't see how god can take me dad. Everything happens for a reason as I am told and have tried to hold onto but I still after 2 1/2 years can't find the reason. I know my mom can she wants to get married and is a different person. I can understand how this happened for a reason for her but I needed him and still do and can't figure out why the reason was for me or for the whole picture. I can't tell you enough how unique he was and how I promise you, you would never meet a person like him. He was real and honest, he was so loving, loved kids and animals. Always helped the homeless, would help neighbor or someone broken down on the road. He even was driving his car somewhere not far from the house and seen an old man shoveling and got out and helped him. He took the snow blower out and did 6 neighbors houses. He was just a great dad,great guy, great friend. He was someone to look up to. He would give you his para shoot to save a life. He was also a very hip dad. He was not old by any means. He had long hair when I was young and was in a band and even wore makeup for that band since it was in, in those days. He listened to classical music, jazz, to rock and roll. He was a jack of all trades. He was just an all around guy and I miss him and wish he was here for guidance. I moved to Michigan from NY and I have no family or friends here. Everyone I have is Tim's family who are great and Tim's friend and there wife's. My mom lives an Florida and you know our relationship. So this is usually my only place to vent and be honest without hurting people's feelings. I just have my head spinning now with this adoption. I can see why people do international adoption. I used to always say why would stars want to do international adoptions when there is all these kids here that need to be adopted. I now know why. Because adoption here is so much harder and a lot more heartbreaking stories. Thank you for letting me vent. It just makes me mad and upset when people just keep jerking me around with stories and putting stuff in your head. I do have to say I appreciate all the support everyone has shown me through this sensitive time. Thank you all so much. :)

Crazy week

2009-09-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry it has been so long. I will update you on our crazy roller coaster of emotions week. So this past Tuesday I had got a call at work around lunch time from a social worker at DHS. She asked me if I would be interested in doing respite care for 2 kids, one is a 3 y/o boy and the other a 1 y/o girl. Well yes you are probably thinking what I was thinking. I asked "well is that going to affect the possible adoption with these other 2 little boys I have been waiting to hear on". She said "oh Rita said she e-mailed you a little while ago and that fell through". Oh yeah way to tell me I am thinking and I didn't check my e-mail because I have been at work since 6 in the morning and it was 12 noon and I was going to check. Well I asked if there were any special needs she said no and I asked if they were healthy she said yes then I asked when did I need to get them and she said if you can today. I was dumbfounded. I was like "I am at work till 6 pm today but can I call my husband first to find out. I called my husband with the butterflies in my stomach and excitement is taking over. I asked him what he thought he said to ask about the situation. I was so excited I forgot to ask. I told him when I call to ask about the situation should I say yes or no, he said to ask if there is a possible adoption that can come out of this. I called her back all excited and anxous and asked what the situation was. She said she was not the social worker for the kids and that she was out but she would try to share as much info as she knew with me. She said that grandparents had children for a year and they didn't think they could do this and they needed a brake. I am trying not to give personal info away though because I can't say names to specifics since they are not my children, so I will tell what I can. But I asked any chance for adoptions and first I heard I would be watching them for 2 weeks then they said for 6-8 weeks or permanent. I was excited this can be a possibility but I heard mom is a hot head. I told them we would do it and picked them up on Tuesday night. I have to admit the first night I looked at Tim and said do you think we can do this. Meaning have kids. We had 2 of them 3 and 1. It was a bit overwhelming. They were adorable though. We got no sleep the first night because all we did was listen for them. We didn't know there temperament or anything so we keep checking on them. The next day was tough but I started to fall into a rhythm and started to fall in love with them and fast. Then on Thursday I was hooked. After laying down with them for naps and reading them stories and kissing there booboo's, and hugging ad kissing them it was hard not to be hooked I felt like a mom. Everything just started to fall into place and then we get the devastating call. The mom is freaking out that the kids are not with there grandparents and she wants them with family. She called I guess all of the family she knew. She got one of the children's grandparents that they only meet the kids once in there lives. I was heart broken. We had to given them back that night and I was just beside myself with emotion. I cried the whole way home and I just have to say I definitely didn't approve of the home we dropped them off to. If DHS was open I would have called them and said you have to be kidding me. I called the next day and they said they had to talk with them and see the home and they deemed it okay for the kids to go to which floors me. Just to see that 3 year old face looking up at me like what did I do wrong, crushed me. I told Tim it was not our choose and I feel so guilty and I just wanted to take them. I have had a rough last couple of days and today I am still trying to fight back tears as I write this. I just hate the system. These kids were living with grandma and grandpa for a year out of the mothers care. How long can you give a mother to get her act together. There is two of them come on. The grandparents seemed nice the one's we picked them up from but they must not work with him which is so sad. He didn't even know his name or age. I am just hurting right now. We did get an e-mail asking if it falls through with these grandparents would we be willing to foster them. I told them no not unless there is a possibility to adopt. I am not sure if that is the right decision but I just don't want to hurt like this again or hurt there children going from home to home. I told Tim to call there social worker to find out the back story and see if there is a chance to adoption. I don't know it seems like we are back to childless again. After getting a taste of motherhood it makes me sad and makes me want it even more. I miss them so much and I just want a family more then anything in the world. I just can't wait to finally be picked. I feel like we have been waiting forever. I keep seeing more and more of my blogging friends be match and I am happy as can be for them but I think when is it finally my turn to be happy and feel that excitement. I am just hurting right now and just want this time to go by fast and can stop when we are choose to be parents. Thanks for letting me share it has been long but with 2 kids it was hard to get on the computer and then I was sad and it was hard to think about or even write about without getting upset. I am trying though. :)